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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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Sanibelredfish posted 6/28/2017 14:04 PM

Not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling that you may be exchanging divorce papers on Friday. If so, you may want to review her proposal before you present yours. Perhaps she'd be willing to grant you more favorable terms out of guilt.

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 2:05 PM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

TimelessLoss posted 6/28/2017 14:18 PM

Not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling that you may be exchanging divorce papers on Friday
San, interesting thought. Her detachment last night certainly indicates something. She is intelligent as others have said.

The disciplinary hearing and the charge sheet (that could have been a charge sheet she would have received) sobered her up I'm sure. That may explain her detachment. I believe she senses the end has come.

Knowing that, she may have engaged an attorney.

Sanibelredfish posted 6/28/2017 14:38 PM

Yes, I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, but from the way her actions and reactions have been described I think she knows the jig is up. Of course, I could be completely off-base, but that's just what I'm getting by reading between the lines.

ohforanewme posted 6/28/2017 14:38 PM

Hi Guys, thanks for the caution about the rebound relationship, I will take it seriously and be extra cautious.

When I first read your posts I was a little taken aback, from her photo, then interacting with her I keep getting a mental image of my MIL. Quite uncanny, you will remember that I mentioned that AP2 had the face of her father. Maybe I made a mental association. Just can't see my self falling for my MIL. (We had a great relationship, loved her sense of humour and BS seems to have it as well) I know that OBS is only 2 years older than me but the MIL mental image keeps coming back.

Was also going to say that the geography would work against us but then realised that it did not stop our 2 hyenas.

Thanks for the thoughts on the settlement. I am sure that if I got tough I could save a few pennies but I am quite happy with the settlement proposal as it is. It is fair and any good attorney she goes to will advise her that is it and to accept.

That is my objective. In SA an uncontested D can be done in 4 weeks!

I can taste freedom and my (and my kids) new future

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 2:56 PM, June 28th (Wednesday)]

Sanibelredfish posted 6/28/2017 15:09 PM

Fair enough, I definitely see the advantage of having this legally wrapped up by August 1st.

Good luck with the conversation on Friday. Do you have a time set to talk to her? I hope she doesn't try to avoid the meeting.

Jduff posted 6/28/2017 17:53 PM

I also have been in contact with the OBS in my past situation, even 3yrs past both of our own D's finalizing. It has helped the OBS to move forward. We had plenty of laughs over our respective cheating ex's.

I've remarried to a much better woman now. Life for me and my kids has had much more happier days than sad ones. Life and family now feels normal again. This will happen for you as well.

My XW is still stuck in her own mind of lies and denial. If it wasn't for the fact that she is the mother of my boys I would have severed all ties with her after the D.

Look into starting new traditions with your little ones in your new beginning. It helps in normalizing their new reality when divorce is finalized. Make sure to have some OF ready for them as well.

ohforanewme posted 6/29/2017 05:33 AM

Just quickly, I have a full day of meeting but thought I would just check in.

The sheriff and I will be waiting for WW when she comes home on Friday evening. She has been coming home later (just after 7 pm) since Wednesday, but Sheriff is willing to wait for as long as needed.

Jduff, thanks for alerting me to something I had never thought of. Thinking about it this last week I wondered if I should not book a weekend away for the kids and me to a game lodge. Has always been a favourite for the family but I want to book one that we have never been to before so that there are no painful memories, (either for them or me).

I now realise that while that might be good, it will be just a band aid and I need to think of more substantial and longer term things.

Friday night suppers have always been the core fo our family time. The first Friday after we tell them has the potential to be devastating for them. I now need to find some way to keep doing it but make it different and even more special. Maybe let them invite a different friend over each Friday and turn it into a sleepover.

Anything that anyone has found to work would be appreciated.

Sanibelredfish posted 6/29/2017 08:32 AM

Regarding how to implement new traditions, I'd reach out to the folks in the New Beginnings forum. I suspect you'll get some good advice there.

midnightschild99 posted 6/29/2017 08:41 AM

I'm curious because I'm unfamiliar with the law in SA. What role will the Sheriff play?

Curious9 posted 6/29/2017 08:45 AM

What I found when I kicked my wife out is it didn't matter what we did as long as we were together. I'm sure you could just go on a road trip and the kids would be thrilled to spend the quality time with you. I had no clue just how seriously they had been negatively affected by my choosing to stay with there mother as long as I did. Once she was out there whole lives changed and while I was seriously concerned it would have been for the negative I was wrong once again. There grades improved. Just spend as much time as you can with them and that will help them the most through this.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and your children.

The regret that haunts me the most these days is that I didn't divorce her sooner.


realitybites posted 6/29/2017 09:16 AM

She handed him the email pack and immediately got back the defence that he had warned her that evidence would be fabricated against him. She calmly asked “how would it be possible for anyone to know your term of endearment for DD?” (remember the email address) She could see the cogs in his head begin to whirl to fabricate a plausible explanation. She tells me that she didn’t give him a chance. Led him to his laptop and said, “Our marriage is again in your hands. Your next action determines if we try and work on it or D. Send the employer an email asking them to send me a copy of your disciplinary confession”. Apparently he sat for a moment’s stunned silence and then went and began packing.

So to go back to a few posts ago, the OBS asked her WS to finally be upfront and honest (yeah we all know that does not seem to happen with a WS) and finally tell her the truth and open up his computer and show the disciplinary action against him? And instead of doing this he got up and packed his clothes and left?

And I may be too jaded at this point so forgive me, but NOW your wife came home and has decided that she needs to move to grandmas house? Me thinks the 2 love birds might be thinking they can be together now, not that it matters to either of you, but the coincidence of her "moment of clarity" seems to be in question. I very well could be wrong. Still very foggy, the OWS all of a sudden moves out....don't know but I would sit back and give a heads up to the other BS and let the chips fall now.

Anyway, I hope your talk goes as well as it possibly can go with your WW on Friday. Very hard to do, it is never easy and even though you are doing the right thing you will still have moments of feeling like crap that this whole thing has happened. Take care of you.

Jduff posted 6/29/2017 09:32 AM

I like your Friday night dinner with a friend of theirs and sleep over idea. I started doing "guys movie night" with just my boys and I. We ordered takeout and we took turns picking a movie that week. It was great bonding time for us as it allowed them to relax and ask questions about the D and what the future would look like for them. This continued on when I met my current wife and we included her son with our movie night traditions when I had my boys on my custody schedule. Now, its a tradition for our new family.

Also, I meant to say to prepare some IC for your kids as well post D. It can also help if they can talk to a therapist about their feelings regarding their new reality.

ohforanewme posted 6/29/2017 09:48 AM

Wrt the sheriff, the law over here requires that the summons of divorce be delivered by a sheriff.

Had our "Truth, tears tea and laughter" call a little while ago. Didn't think that we would get to the laughter bit today. OBS had a bit of an emotional wobble last night and this morning. Best Friend is being wonderfully supportive. OBS has also asked DD if she could get home sooner. Could possibly be home this evening. OBS wanted to know more about WW. I said that I would tell her everything that she would want to know but shared my experience of seeing the photo of AP2 and how it had affected me. I said that for now all she needed to know about WW was that she is a Hyena. (See, I've come to acceptance of who she really is ) Then shared the little bit of my post on the lion and the hyena.

I then read bits to her from the post on "They always affair down" as well as the stupidest things a WS says. And finally we got to the laugh bit of the call.

Have agreed to start compiling our own contribution.

OBS has agreed to send me a copy of AP2 call with me.

I have agreed to let her have my post on the conversation.

We both felt stronger after the chat

Used2bhappy10 posted 6/29/2017 12:08 PM

ohforanewme WOW, just WOW.

I've written a few pages of notes from this incredible thread...the OW in my WH A was also a co-worker, and they too abused their mutual company expense accounts on hotels, very expensive dinners, lots of over priced wines, extended stays. She has 2 young children and also made/makes many poor choices as a parent of an A over time with them, would SEXT nightly from lying in her childrens' beds. Well being for the children? Never stops making my skin crawl with disgust.

Agreed that our marriages ARE raped and murdered by these despicable affairs. The innocence and magic stolen from us by betrayed spouses. Indifference is the strength to get us through the many days after discovery.

There is no logic to their illogical acts, only selfishness and pure stupidity. Astounding that they did not know how broad, deep, and horrific the tragedy affects so so very many. They slither through their A with blinders to the possible fall outs for themselves and all whom they love(d), destroying lives, relationships and bits of humanity along the way.

I only wished the OWH of my WH A were as kind and sharing as your OMW. I'd love to share and discuss in much more details of my collection of the full 6000+ text/sext conversations, thousands of phone calls, emails, meals, dates, times, trips. I often wonder how they are handling the dirty A, how their young children are doing.

You are an incredibly strong man, kudos to you for your strength. May God bless you and your children.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 3:22 PM, June 29th (Thursday)]

ohforanewme posted 6/29/2017 14:32 PM


You cannot know how perfect the timing of your post was.

Just helped my 2 precious people with packing their bags for the trip to the airport tomorrow morning.

The excitement of getting to spend the week with cousins is palpable.

After tucking them in and kissing them good night I walked through our beautiful home.

Next month will be 10 years since we moved in. WW an I planned every square metre of it. Carefully thought through every feature.

Most of the planning was on restaurant serviettes. We just had to capture a flash of inspiration that came to us in a moment of joy, sharing a meal together.

Oh the dream of it was so different to this awful reality.

I am feeling so lonely but your post and the close parallels of our experiences let me realise that although I felt lonely, I am not alone.

MickeyBill2016 posted 6/29/2017 15:37 PM

I am feeling so lonely but your post and the close parallels of our experiences let me realise that although I felt lonely, I am not alone.

Hang in there, you seem to handling a shitty situation well.
You not only hold most of the cards you also are on the moral high ground - the way you are protecting and caring for the kids is admirable. They and your family know that.

You aren't alone - there are a ton of people here who know what you are going through and are with you.

Used2bhappy10 posted 6/29/2017 15:41 PM

Be strong. Be thankful for the good and great things in your life and in your heart. While they are difficult to identify, you have much to be grateful for, including your newly found clarity as to how to end your marriage. Jot down three grateful moments of joy you can find each day. It can be a simple as seeing that joy in your childrens eyes, or your strength of seeing through on the filing those papers tonight.

You certainly did not deserve her abuses, lies, cheating. Welcome to the worst club in the world, a membership none of us betrayed have chosen.

Love your children with all your heart, End the sadness, cut out the rotten scraps in your life so you can be the LION. Let her be the scrappy hyena, as she truly lacks the character and morality to be anything more.

Reach out to close friends and family for their much needed support. Make your pack strong, for they will have your back when you need it most.

I wish you peace and strength.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 3:46 PM, June 29th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 6/29/2017 16:01 PM

It is hard to walk through your home you built together. I also had land way before with XWH#1 and we built our house on it and combined the loans into one (my bad mistake). I had lived on the farm with two different WH's and knew I could never get rid of all the memories there. I couldn't erase OW spending time in my home and in my bed. At least XWH#1 never did that.

Anyway, I don't know what your plans are for your home. With kids it is harder because they don't associate the home to the D like you do. I kept my farm after XWH#1 because I wanted my kids to have some stability. In hind site, I should have moved after my D from XWH#1. It was very isolating for them because our neighbors didn't have kids their age. I should have seen that kids are resilient when I comes to moving and such at an early age. So, it might be something you want to consider selling after the D if it brings back too many painful memories. I love my new house and it has no memories of WH's.

beauchateaux posted 6/29/2017 16:37 PM

Kids are resilient, as TrustGone says - more so than most people give them credit for, and you sound like a wonderful father. Love them, hold them through the tough times that lay ahead, and you will all come out of this together. A family.

The tragedy isn't yours, ultimately - it's hers. She had her family, her home, her integrity and she threw it away. She excised herself from this life you both cherished so much for something cheap, and that's on her and her alone. On some level, I'm sure she'll regret it for as long as she lives. But c'est la vie - you gotta pay the piper.

otter posted 6/29/2017 22:13 PM

Please make an effort to encourage your wife to consult with the appropriate counseling if she is feeling despondent. Her decisions and the impact of them on her family are hitting home. To call one's self filthy certain indicates a feeling of low self estimate and self worth. Try to reassure her that she can learn and move forward from this and be a better partner for her next partner. That her past actions do not prevent her from becoming a person she would like to be.

My brother's wife attempted suicide when her affair was exposed. You can think you know your wife and that isn't possible, and maybe it isn't, but there isn't anything wrong with making the effort to counter any such feelings. Its not your job to be her support system. But she is the mother of your children and your looking out for her safety is looking out for their best interests.

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