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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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ohforanewme posted 7/1/2017 08:34 AM

Feeling a little melancholy and need to share.

The deed is done. WW arrived home just after 6 pm yesterday. The sheriff and I were waiting in the entrance hall. He greeted her, asked her if she could produce proof of identity, informed her that he needed to serve her with some documents, got her to sign receipt, greeted me and excused himself.

I led WW into the dining room and said there was something we needed to discuss.

She was as white as a sheet. Said she knew something was in the making but "I hoped it was not this. So hoped it was not this". We went through everything in a very business like manner, even cutting up the cards and working through the settlement proposal.

She then slumped back in her chair and said "so this is what it has come to. I thought that after our year of hell we had made it."

I then read my first SI post to her. She listened attentively.

When I was done she looked at me plaintively , and said. So you are going to sacrifice 24 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children, memories and a year of impossibly hard work, all for a snog in a toilet. (You folk here have taught masterfully and I have learnt well). I looked her straight in the eye and told her that unfortunately I had never been given the courtesy of being part of that decision. It was one that she had taken all on her own. I could see that thought slowly sink in and the horror of her decision begin to dawn.

I then played her the recording of AP2 telephone conversation with me. I explained how each and every time that she allowed him to penetrate her, as he so eloquently described, she was choosing between myself and the kids and him. Each time she chose him. The man she just heard was who she chose.

She began to cry. She cried and cried and cried. Then said, I am sorry, I am so sorry, how could I ever have done that to you? How could I ever have done that to us? How could I do that to (and she said the kids names). How could I do that to me? . At this point the crying became huge, convulsing sobs. She just kept repeating those over and over. No begging, no pleading to reconsider. She must have realised that you don't come back from that. Just cried. Head in hands and cried. Head on arm on the table and cried. Cried and cried and cried.

I went and made her some tea but she let it get cold.

I led her to Gran's place, got the shower hot for her, gave her something to help her sleep and left.

I had originally planned that she would go straight to the hotel after the discussion but I just didn't have the heart.

This morning, when I woke she was busy packing. Still a constant stream of tears. Still no begging or placing any blame on me. I called the 2 friends and asked if they would come over. They came and helped her pack. I left for the day.

Asked one of the friends if they would let me know when they were all out.

So now I am sitting alone, in a large, silent house, wandering how I am ever going to make it a home again?

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers of support last night. I felt them.

Neveragain, you are my inspiration.

Lostmyreligion, yes please kind sir, I certainly would like to take you up on your generous offer.

It is the 1st of July, mid winter but the aloes are vibrant orange, there are still some clusters of white roses in some of the parks and I noticed a few of the poppies buds just beginning to open. There is still beauty in the world, even in mid winter. Goring for a long long walk

Thanks for listening

longsadstory1952 posted 7/1/2017 09:00 AM

Truly heart rendering. So sad for you.

But, after 4 /12 years of affairs and you now with total ed, she thought you had made it? How obtuse can she be? Still living in a fantasy I guess.

betrayedagain799 posted 7/1/2017 09:05 AM

Thank you for the update. I find your post inspirational to all BS

Sanibelredfish posted 7/1/2017 09:19 AM

Your feelings are understandable, even though you are doing what you need to there is still a sense of loss. Although, "change" may be a better word than "loss".

Your WW's actions and reactions strike me as a little odd; not as odd as I had feared (completely stone faced), but odd nonetheless. A couple of things that didn't sit right with me:

For someone who had gone through extensive counseling and was supposedly remorseful her attempt to blame shift was troubling. Did she really say you were throwing everything away for a snog in the toilet? Umm, no. She was the one who threw everything away for a snog in the toilet, and on the minibar, and in the lift, and wherever else they felt like it. She still didn't fully get it.

The absence of asking you to reconsider. If you don't consider the blame shifting attempt mentioned above a request to reconsider all she did was cry. Again, this suggests to me that it is more about her and what she stands to lose than anyone else.

All in all, her reaction is further proof that you are doing the right thing. It is no doubt painful, but hopefully an important step to a happier and healthier life for you and your kids.

Wool94 posted 7/1/2017 09:33 AM

I'm praying for you.

MidnightRun posted 7/1/2017 09:35 AM

A home is anchored by real love and devotion, not by deceit.

TimelessLoss posted 7/1/2017 09:52 AM

So you are going to sacrifice 24 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children, memories and a year of impossibly hard work, all for a snog in a toilet.
No, she sacrificed 24 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children, and memories for a snog in the toilet.

She sacrificed you. She sacrificed your children. For a snog in the toilet.

A home is anchored by real love and devotion, not by deceit.

^^^^^1000x this^^^^^

ohforanewme, warm thoughts of peace for you and your family from across the Atlantic.

Stevesn posted 7/1/2017 10:19 AM

I feel for your whole family. Such a sad story.

I wish you all well in rebuilding a happy life for each of you. :

k94ever posted 7/1/2017 10:26 AM

Yes, you will. It will take time, but you will make your house your home again.

You Sir, are amazing. Remember that.


Used2bhappy10 posted 7/1/2017 10:37 AM

ohforanewme :

Per your screen name, now is the time for a new YOU! Your strength and presence are admirable.

Now is YOUR time. Heal, think of YOUR future, how to strengthen your pack, your pride.

Make lists of things YOU'D like to accomplish for yourself and your children. A new course, new hobby, new pet, new adventures, new artwork, new garden, new memories.

Self care this next week is vitally important. Reach out to old friends, new friends, family. You need them and they need you now -- more than ever.

May peace be with you.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 10:38 AM, July 1st (Saturday)]

midnightschild99 posted 7/1/2017 11:09 AM

I tip my hat to you, oh. You also have a great ability to deacribe situations so lucidly inspite of all the turmoil.

StillStanding1 posted 7/1/2017 11:45 AM

My heart really goes out to you. After all the planning and execution, now you are left with that gaping hole. I'm sure you feel empty and alone. Now you start your new journey. I pray for your happiness. Do you have a friend you can call who can just "be" with you as well? You ensured support for your WW. What about you? You deserve compassion, care, support, and friendship right now even more.

As for her response. I don't find it so odd that she didn't try to talk you out of it. You are a strong man and you are convicted to this plan. I think she could sense that. She knew the gig was up. Certainly she knew, based on your lack of attraction to her, that things were not "ok". True R had not happened. You both know that. The M had been killed. It was time to bury it and move on.

I wish you healing and peace. You've handled this admirably. Truly. Better than she deserved, but that's a testament to the man you are. Stay strong and extend some kindness to yourself while you process. Sending an intercontinental hug.

ramius posted 7/1/2017 14:36 PM

Sounds like it went as well as it could have.

As other posters have noted there is a pronounced selfish streak in your wife. I know that is a bit of a "no kidding" statement given her history of cheating for 4+ years. But from what you have posted it seems like she never really considered your feelings or desires. Even before the cheating.

And when a person with that self absorbed wiring suddenly comes to terms with its consequences, it is sometimes tough to witness. Akin to watching a broken bone being set. It needs to happen, but is very painful.

I believe the recording of AP2 was key. Up to that point she has been able, in her mind, to keep him and you separate.. He was the fun ride during business trips, and you were the solid home base. But in that moment, she realized that those two separate entities had collided. Not abstractly. Not through her descriptions and interpertations. But actually person to person. She had to hear what a disgusting pig she chose. And she had to realize that YOU had heard it. That YOU now knew first hand the type of man she debased herself with.

And I believe that is what snapped her into reality. That is when she broke down and finally realized what she had done. Now as to wether she can maintain this grasp on reality for the long haul, that remains to be seen. She seems hard wired for selfishness.

But you me friend are a sterling example to all BH. Your emotional maturity, planning and execution should serve as a case study for BS everywhere.

I hope your pain lessens soon. Good things are in your future.

[This message edited by ramius at 3:04 PM, July 1st (Saturday)]

MidnightRun posted 7/1/2017 14:39 PM

It never ceases to amaze me how individuals can sabotage their entire lives--and the lives of loved ones--in the pursuit of sleaze.

Unfortunately, she's now the one who should be under suicide watch.

I'm curious: Did her wailing sound like a hyena?

To be sure, the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice.

She was immoral, and she received justice.

You, my friend, will one day be happy--happier than you ever thought possible.

Conversely, no amount of counseling can put Jill back together again--not completely.

She'll likely become supermom to compensate for her unspeakable failings.

Relax. Exercise. You've been an inspiration to me and untold others.

There is indeed much beauty in the world.


And God bless.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:12 PM, July 1st (Saturday)]

swmnbc posted 7/1/2017 15:12 PM

You said in your first post, "My marriage has failed but I am not a failure and I have a future." Yes. Absolutely and completely true. Remember that.

When I was done she looked at me plaintively , and said. So you are going to sacrifice 24 years of marriage, 2 beautiful children, memories and a year of impossibly hard work, all for a snog in a toilet.

As a BS this is hard to read. It's so incredibly astounding that she would give herself credit for a "year of impossibly hard work" and then blame you for the ending of your marriage. What a ridiculous, narrow, self-absorbed perspective. I'm glad you saw through it immediately. And then for her to cry, "How could I do that to me?"

I'm glad your path to divorce now is only a few weeks long and you can start the new chapter of your life. I suspect that after this period of grieving and adjustment is passed, it will be filled with joy and laughter and love ... because those are the things you put into your relationships, and those are the things you naturally get out of them as well.

Sharkman posted 7/1/2017 15:18 PM

You did a great job and you have my empathy.

Your kids are lucky to have you. You did the right thing the right way without ever shying away from the horrid responsibility you had unwillingly thrust upon you.

You're a great guy. You'll get through this.

twisted posted 7/1/2017 15:35 PM

Nothing much left to say but good luck, my friend. A difficult time, but you can hold your head high and carry on.

SCARLETT94 posted 7/1/2017 16:14 PM

My hat is off to you.
I'm sorry this happened to you and I am a bit surprised that she didn't beg to stay.

Shockedmom posted 7/1/2017 16:24 PM

You have been through the proverbial wringer and your grace has shown through it all. Your children are fortunate to have a father who cares enough to create a healthy coparenting relationship that will indeed benefit them. Hoping you take some time for yourself to heal and learn to believe again in a happy future with a woman of worth. Best luck to you.

NeverAgain99 posted 7/1/2017 16:35 PM

You're my hero, Ohfor. To have the fortitude and thoughtfulness to tend to the needs of your WW under these circumstances is truly a testament to what a compassionate and caring person you are. I'm so sorry this is how it goes for you, your WW and your children. I hope the healing process starts today.

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