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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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Tearsoflove posted 7/3/2017 16:48 PM

I have been reading along and do want to point out that in that last meeting with the BF, your WW's viewpoint has shifted but it has not been a good shift. She almost sounds as if she believes she is a victim of some master manipulator. Further, if she is breaking things in the hotel and drinking excessively, her coping skills along with her inability to take responsibility do not bode well.

My husband had two affairs as well. No matter how the wayward is pursued, it still takes acceptance of the pursuit for an affair to happen. My husband is not the victim of some relentless temptresses, he is a willing participant. I guess blame shifting to some degree is somewhat normal in the immediate aftermath as processing the disaster occurs. However, at some point, your WW needs to take her focus off of the AP and place it where it belongs. If all her focus is on how she was duped and manipulated by the AP, she will not be working on herself. And while that won't be your problem as a husband if you divorce, she is still the mother of your children who still has examples to set for them. Taking responsibility for your behavior without blame shifting is an important example to set. That might be worthy of discussion at your meeting. Further, getting drunk and destruction of property are not coping skills you want passed on as appropriate.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:49 PM, July 3rd (Monday)]

william posted 7/3/2017 16:52 PM

after you talk with ww on friday id tell the 2 friends 'since ww and i are gettin a divorce, i thank you for all the help but in order to heal i need to detach and i would rather not get sucked into her drama and downward spiral. so i ask you to please respect my wishes and stop relaying information about her to me."

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 17:06 PM

I agree! I have been lurking on this site for months and this is the first post I was compelled to write. Why? Because you are very hurt and seem to be spinning out of control. What are you gaining from all of the information you are receiving?
I played the pick me dance for months and the only person I hurt was myself and my children. Once I gained back my self respect and let it go, I have been a different person. Now people see me as a strong and worthy person. I still am in contact with my ex but I refuse for him to see me as weak and spiteful.
I encourage you to proceed with your divorce. I do not encourage you to make this any worse than it already is.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 17:27 PM

I am wondering why people choose to call employers and disclose their wives or husbands indiscretions.How does this help? Part of my healing was disengaging from all people involved in my husbandś sordid events. chose not to hear any of the awful truths. I dont even know my ex husbands affair partnerś names. Knowing all the details would have destroyed me.Its as if you destroyed my life now I am going to destroy yours. What is gained?

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 17:36 PM

And why are people cheering you on instead of helping you heal? I am sorry but I am obviously troubled by all of this. I am not trying to be harsh but I can not help myself from re-reading the posts.I feel your pain... I have been there and would not want to relive one moment of this profound affect on my life. However I am not in support of people encouraging you to inflict more pain upon yourself.
Bottom line Your wife needs to be healthy to take care of your children.You need to be healthy to care for your children. Find peace.

tooanalytical posted 7/3/2017 18:25 PM

Wow. A lot there in last posts for Oh. I am BS 9 years out that also doesn't post a ton, but felt I had to offer a counter perspective.

1. Some BS's are very analytical and they NEED to know the details. They NEED to understand how they made a mistake and misjudged someone's character that they chose to devote their lives to. The opposite of needing to know everything is called rug sweeping. Analytical people are not that and we are created differently.

2.

Because you are very hurt and seem to be spinning out of control. I played the pick me dance for months and the only person I hurt was myself and my children. I still am in contact with my ex but I refuse for him to see me as weak and spiteful.

IMO, Oh is not even close to spinning out of control, definitely not playing the pick me dance, and certainly not being seen as weak by WW or the loser OM. I am not sure where that perception is coming from.

3.

And why are people cheering you on instead of helping you heal?

I really don't get this line of thought at all. From day one, his WW was not even remotely a candidate for R. This is her second LTA and his WW is still barely remorseful and blameshifting after a year of R. We are cheering him on for breaking away from such an unhealthy situation. We are trying to help him heal as quick as possible. Too many BS's in the JFO don't stand up for themselves and continue to be disrespected. Ironically setting a hard line in the sand is the only option that reveals whether the M has chance or not.

When dealing with hyenas, I'd rather be the lion than an ostrich any day.

Happy Independence Day to all!

Sanibelredfish posted 7/3/2017 18:27 PM

Sorry for the thread jack... if you don't approve of ohfor's approach and the way he's used our feedback to support his move to D there are many other posts you can comment on here at SI. Perhaps your input would be more relevant there. End of thread jack.

Given all that has transpired in the last year for ohfor I think he is treating his WW exceptionally well. He's just not giving her another chance to screw him over. No one is obligated to be treated poorly by their spouse.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 18:41 PM

But he didnt make a mistake. I truly do not want to sound unsympathetic but why listen to all of her friendś and others BS. How does this help? Analytical or not I can not imagine how this can possibly help someone in pain. Why call and report indiscretions... What did this accomplish?
Please help me understand.
I am not clueless and yes I could have overlooked this post however I am on here for a reason too.
I still have demons but Iĺl be damned if I am going to cheer someone on for something I wished I would haave done. This whole thing is not healthy and if you think it is I disagree with you.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 18:45 PM

Sanibe..Dont try and bully me or make me feel bad for something I think is wrong. We have all been hurt or else we wouldnt be here but there are many people who have advised Oh to end the war. Not just me.

longsadstory1952 posted 7/3/2017 19:03 PM

Everyone is cheering oh on because we wish we had done something like this and that our WS reacted like oh's spouse did. But it doesn't usually go that way, as you know.

Seeing something like this or spaceghost's thread can actually be therapeutic In any event, there is a lot of venting because there is so much relating.

So don't beat up on the poor guy. His wife spent 25 % of the M screwing other men. Then apparently though everything was hunky dory, even though oh had total ed. I mean for craps sake. Did she even ask?

My gut is screaming that she is so histrionic at least in part because she is losing a wallet with legs.

Soon, very soon, oh will come to Earth and quit the pain shopping. He will be ok. He's just feeling somewhat vindicated right now. Grant him a little schaedenfruede or however it is the Germans spell it. This will even out and soon.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 7:04 PM, July 3rd (Monday)]

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:11 PM

I am not beating him up. I am just trying to understand how this is helping him. There is a difference between venting and seeking help. I dont agree with what his wife did. It is awful. But gathering up all this painful information can not be theraputic analytical or not.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:13 PM

I dont think anyone can be vindicated when all trust is lost. What do you gain...you were cheated on nothing will ever ease the hurt. Vindication means you ultimately win. Who is winning at this moment?

HellFire posted 7/3/2017 19:17 PM

Just because exposure doesn't help you,or you didn't need all the details, doesn't mean what oh feels he needs is wrong,what each BS needs may be different from what you need. It doesn't mean they're wrong,and you're right,or vice versa.


Oh.... you said you read her your first Post here. Does that mean she knows about this site?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:18 PM, July 3rd (Monday)]

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:18 PM

One more thing. I did not feel vindicated when people congratulated me on divorcing my husband. I appreciated when people told me enough is enough. I did not need people in my life validating what I already knew.

harrybrown posted 7/3/2017 19:21 PM

there are no winners in any of this mess.

the kids are hurt.

He is hurt, very badly.

It is good that he is getting her out of his life, before she cheats again, and gives him stds.

With two affairs that he knows about, could be more, and she could do it in the future.

I hope for her kids sake, that she fixes herself for the future.

Just too much pain and hurt.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:31 PM

I dont understand what that has to do with anything. I have read numerous post but this is the first post I have replied to. I dont care if people judge me. I am coming from a place of understanding and hope there is healing. Re-read this topic. I find it destructive yet theraputic for Oh. Why encourage someone to fight something that can not be won. I was deeply hurt but I didnt find any vindication when my husband wanted me back. I needed to set a good example for everyone around me.
What good would it have done if my ex husbands friends shared information about how my husband was suffering?
What good would it have done if I reported his indiscretion to his employer? Who won that battle?
Why do people need to gather information? If you think your spouse is having an affair isnt that enough?

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:32 PM

This post is in response to hell.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 19:37 PM

And choosing not to hear information of my husbandś affair isnt rug sweeping it is self protection and helped me make a clear decision when filing for a divorce.

sassylee posted 7/3/2017 20:08 PM

Deb - I needed to know EVERYTHING. I needed to learn the truth about MY life. Once I felt I knew what I was dealing with, I could move forward.

Deb346 posted 7/3/2017 20:22 PM

I agree hearing the information from your spouse to make a clear decision. Once I found out I rented a great place moved out and started healing. I did with the help from friends who listened but did not pressure me. I did not need to hear anymore information from anyone because it wouldnt help me make a decision. The decision was made once I found about the affair.I still do not wish to know what I already know. Cheating is cheating I didnt need to be convinced by tracking down information. It didnt matter who he slept with cheating is cheating. No grey area. I am not passing judgement but I refused to be a parole officer subjecting to polygraphs and tracking him down. I have too much self respect and I feel this is humiliating. How could anyone live with someone they had to check their spouses phones and vars. You obviously dont trust them and you wind up driving yourself crazy.
What would my kids think? All of my energy went to making sure my family was strong and healthy.

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