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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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LostToOM posted 7/4/2017 19:37 PM

However, just to be sure that there was no remaining wishful thinking or belief that the affair sex was more exciting or better than ours, I had sex with him on his motorcycle. I'm fairly certain there is no memory of any sexual event he will ever have that can top that.

How fast were you going when this occurred?

Tearsoflove posted 7/4/2017 19:46 PM

How fast were you going when this occurred?

LOL. It was stationary. I have limits to living dangerously.

TimelessLoss posted 7/4/2017 22:32 PM

And, you have no way of knowing anything about reconciliation as that is not your path and, in truth, never was your path because it was a dealbreaker for you.
I believe Oh was in R for 9 months. Unfair to say he knows nothing about R. No evidence in any post that he entered R hoping it would fail.
My mind said to me that if 70% of marriages survive infidelity then if I allow ours to fail I will have been a double failure. I would have allowed my marriage to fail and I would then be in the 30% and surely 30 out of a 100 is a failure, the 70% must be where the winners are. So I agreed to walk a path of R. It was disastrous.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/4/2017 22:42 PM

I understand your point, TimelessLoss. However, trying to reconcile and being reconciled are actually two different things. He was in the process, possibly, but from what I have read from his posts was that his heart really wasn't in it.

From what he has posted, this was a dealbreaker for him. He finally realized why he wasn't healing and why they weren't really reconciled is because his marriage was over. He just needed time to realize that as many do.

That is my take away from his posts, anyway.

eta: missing words

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:06 PM, July 4th (Tuesday)]

DIFM posted 7/5/2017 06:21 AM

I think his heart was in it. What seemed to make R impossible for him was that his wife's heart wasn't in it. As evidence by her inward focused reaction when hearing it was over.

You can stay with a cheater whose heart is not in it, but you can't R with a cheater whose heart is not in it.

deephurt posted 7/5/2017 09:13 AM

I am now realising that WW was never that person. I am seeing more clearly every day that she has been selfish and self-centred through our entire relationship. I was so in love that I created a thin facade of who I wanted her to be. Now that the facade is torn away I did not want to allow myself to grieve because, how do you grieve over pure fiction? But the grief is still very real. Even if it was just my self-constructed facade, I loved deeply and it is lost forever. So I will grieve, deal with it and move forward.

^^^^this is exactly how I feel. The man I married did not really exist and I am now learning to love the person he is becoming. I grieve the person I thought he was when I married him. He never existed but if feels like a death and I do mourn him.

Thank you for saying it so eloquently.

You write beautifully and describe your emotions so well.

1survivor posted 7/5/2017 09:58 AM

I agree that trying to R and being in R are 2 different things. When I started my journey to R , i fully believed it was possible, but the further along I got the more I wondered if I could. My wife was doing pretty much everything I asked of her and was all in as far as I could tell, but there was so many days I was so close to just throwing in the towel.

I am glad I stuck with it as we have a great new relationship now.

Trtroles posted 7/5/2017 17:57 PM

Dont get me wrong but your wife is still lying.
When she heard what OM2 told about her,their affair and how he feels about her she was crushed. She really belived she done nothing wrong and she was something big in his eyes. She was living double life.
Once she was served with D papers of course she will say you were the best,the only man she ever loved. She knows those are the things you want to hear right now. I dont want to hurt you but she said the same things to other men too.Why have TWO long affairs for "nothing" and risk everything,your marriage,kids,job...!!! She couldnt even be there for her mother.
You really need to distance yourself from her and her friends.
Good luck.

ohforanewme posted 7/6/2017 02:22 AM

I thought that I need to share a little about events over the past 2 days.

It is all I can think of to acknowledge and show appreciation to those of you in the community who have been so supportive.

Through all of Tuesday, and then again yesterday morning, I was sent messages, all on the theme, that in my heart I will know that we are soulmates and are meant to be together, culminating in one that said that the universe has destined us to be together and only a fool would try and work against a force so strong. I am a man with such strength, I can overcome anything that I set my mind to. She will be the wind beneath my wings throughout the journey. (Yes, one of my favourite. What I would tell her, each time I had a success in life).

I never messaged back but around lunch time I sent an email with “agenda for tonight’s discussion” in the subject line.

I opened the mail by saying, that up to this point I had reneged on my duty to take the important decisions regarding our relationship and my life. That is in the past. From now on those decisions are mine, not hers or the universe or anyone else’s.

I then laid out a short agenda requesting that we agree on location, message and who communicates the message to the children. I made it clear that if at any point she went off topic I would leave and take responsibility to tell the children on my own. I did not hear back from her.

I decided to talk over coffee in the lounge instead of over dinner. I was hoping that the discussion would be quick and I could think of nothing worse than the discussion being over but still having to finish a meal in her presence.

The discussion was cordial and we made the required decision. We had considered telling the kids in the car on the drive home from the airport but decided against this. Being all strapped in we would not be able to reach out and give them comforting hugs in the car. We have decided that I will fetch them from the airport, WW will be waiting in the dining room. On arriving home I will shepherd them in there. I will tell them that WW and I will be divorcing and she will tell them why.

I had hoped that we could tell them what their living arrangements would be as set out in the proposed settlement. I am sure that that will be one of their questions. WW said that she has been too emotional and too busy at work to have looked at it. I tried to pressure her to do it before Friday so that we could give our 2 precious ones as much certainty as possible.

At the end of the discussion, just as I was about to get up to leave, she said, “well this is it then. There is one more thing that I need to share with you”. “I understand that if I am to become whole again it will have to be off a solid base of honesty”. It sounded so text book that I have a suspicion that she is hitting the books again.

Well, there was another A. About midway between DD and DS being born. It was at the time that I was negotiating the sale of business number 2. I was getting home, pumped with adrenaline from the negotiation discussions, and with a sense of great accomplishment. The highlight of her day was whipping a snotty nose or kissing a scraped knee. She was missing her job.

POSOM was an American expat. A stay at home dad. A professional who had been good at his job and loved it but his wife’s career had taken off like a rocket ship, so he gave up his job to follow her around the world, wherever her job took her.

And so he became not only the only man that truly understood what WW was experiencing, he was the only human being that understood. All the other moms were just so sickeningly happy with their roles of being caring mom’s and loving wives. Now, she had found a soulmate who truly understood. Poor POSOM was married to Ice Queen who only loved her job. There had been no sex for over 2 years. So WW kindly agreed to fill that hole in his life.

It lasted just a few short weeks. He gave WW syphilis. While so many of her actions suggests that she is not always the brightest button in the jar when it comes to relationships, she was bright enough to know that it is treatable and that if the last time he had had sex was 2 years ago, he would have gotten himself treated. She broke it off and did some sleuthing. Turns out he had spun the yarn to all the playschool moms and had hooked quite a few. He also had several local prostitutes on speed dial on his phone. So rather than a 2 year dessert, it was a constant buffet, prostitute in the morning and then mommy brings over kiddies to play in the afternoon and daddy and friend’s mommy play in the bedroom.

Ok, so I guess I now also have a D Day#2. Not important at all. It might be proof of how well I am detaching from WW but I felt nothing.

I’m going to check out for a while. I will be back. Promise. I think that maybe I opened my heart just a touch too much in the epistle of Tuesday. It was unnecessary, made me vulnerable and could cause hurt to others. This is not a place you want to cause any more hurt.

wordsofwisdom posted 7/6/2017 02:50 AM

Ohfor, she told you "the truth", but I bet there might be more, and more, and more. I wish you move on and never look back at this nightmare. You are such a kind soul, and I hope you meet one day someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect your precious people.

free2016 posted 7/6/2017 03:09 AM

She has got her inflated ego crushed, therefore raging and despair.
Not only she is not a special snowflake, considering AP2 behaviour towards her but her own H whose heart and soul she believed she owes unconditionally and could play whatever way she wants, has just discarded her and appears to be happy to do so. She is not worthy of a decent man, her selfishness exposed and it is unbearable for her. The only fantasy she can cling to at the moment is AP1, desperately wishing to believe that was real. Wrong here as well, otherwise he would had left his wife or at least kept affair going on.
In the end, both APs chose their wives, not that both can have them but she was just a sex toy, distraction from real life. All she is left with are the memories of dirty sex, now mixed with reality of AP's feelings for her and a lot of shame.
She does not deserve pity though, to make an only person who sincerely loved and cared for her, consider suicide is beyond my understanding and incredibly selfish and cruel.
Detach from her as much as possible, she would need years to understand the impact on other people and be remorseful if it is possible at all.

Tearsoflove posted 7/6/2017 04:32 AM

All I can think is "OMG, what if she gave you syphillis?!" If she's just telling you this now, it means you never knew she had it.

Do you know how dangerous that can be if it goes untreated? And do you know that some people can be completely asymptomatic until it's too late? And even with treatment, if the disease has already progressed to stage 3, some damage may be irreversible?

How dare she get herself treated without telling you?! How dare she!

As a woman who caught high-risk HPV from my husband's first affair, I'm just so angry that yet another cheater decided that her spouse's health was less important than getting her kicks and covering her ass.

PAULLLY posted 7/6/2017 04:40 AM

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:13 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

free2016 posted 7/6/2017 04:50 AM

what a despicable creature you stxww is!!
please test yourself for stds asap

Sanibelredfish posted 7/6/2017 08:22 AM

Ohfor, I'm sorry there was more and suspect that there may be more still that she hasn't disclosed. Your STBXW is truly a hyena.

You also need to share this latest disclosure with your health care professionals ASAP. Syphillis can go dormant and you may be asymptomatic for years and once symptoms re-emerge treatment may not be effective. You need to address this yesterday!

If she let a syphillis infection go untreated in you for 10+ years to protect herself... well, I have no words for what she deserves.

DIFM posted 7/6/2017 08:47 AM

.....but then, don't forget that you two are soulmates - destined by the universe to be together.........so you've got that going for you.


We know from our own experiences, and the painful outpourings of the experience of others, that once a cheater cheats, the line in the sand over which they stepped no longer exists and the next time and the next time are no longer to be surprised over. When you break the wall down with the first A, there is no wall to break down for the ones that follow. With each new fling comes a wondrous opportunity to add another soulmate to your stable of soulmates.

Very sorry for your circumstance, and that of your children, but very encouraged and optimistic for you in the stand that you have taken. You have your mind right.

sudra posted 7/6/2017 08:47 AM

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself and your young ones.

TimelessLoss posted 7/6/2017 08:51 AM

Your need to stand down is understandable. Almost all of your reserves are depleted. The most important reserve will never be depleted. The inexhaustible well that is the love you have for your children. That is the wellspring that will see you through as you being to recover.

Her failure to address the separation agreement (SA) is now a problem that rolls down the children's well being. I expect she will continue to leave it undone because it ensures continued contact with her.

Each contact should be met with only one response: sign and return the SA to my solicitor or propose an alternative SA.

Peace to you and your children.

TimelessLoss posted 7/6/2017 09:03 AM

universe has destined us to be together and only a fool would try and work against a force so strong
Ohfor, I want to add my thought that this is a provocative statement that is close to being a warning of sorts.

It is entitlement on a grand scale.

PlanC posted 7/6/2017 09:23 AM

To reiterate TearsofLove's point, you might want to check on syphilis status because it can be asymptomatic while causing permant damage. What she says is important and shouldn't get lost in the many responses you are receiving.

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