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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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Curious9 posted 7/6/2017 09:46 AM

I cant imagine the pain your going through but at least you are getting a better clearer picture of who she really is. My xW played the game as long as she could. In the end I never knew the full truth nor was there ever a sincere apology and I doubt there ever will be. Some times you just have to ignore them. I have been stuck dealing with my xW for the last ten years do to our kids. Soon my youngest will be 18 and I hope to close that door in my life. I know there will be those moments but they will be far less then what they are now. Hopefully soon you will be able to detach more and move on to the healing part of your life.

Stay strong. You will get through this.


sopainfulstill posted 7/6/2017 09:49 AM

Heartbreaking to read.
I cannot imagine being in your shoes.
Thank you for sharing your emotions with us today.
Please take good care of yourself.

MidnightRun posted 7/6/2017 10:34 AM

Your stbxw was a broken woman long before marriage, but didn't know it.

How can a woman embrace high rhetoric and thoughts, yet practice the sordid?

The universe and syphilis are binary.

twisted posted 7/6/2017 11:24 AM

Ok, so I guess I now also have a D Day#2. Not important at all. It might be proof of how well I am detaching from WW but I felt nothing.

Feeling nothing is a good thing.

squid posted 7/6/2017 11:33 AM

As truly epic as this thread is, there is so much pain conveyed in the words not only of ohforanewme, but from all that have followed this story and commented on their own experience.

oh, I praise you for your courage in so openly and honestly sharing your story.

I wish you strength and peace.

MidnightRun posted 7/6/2017 12:47 PM

For WW spouse to attempt reconciliation by appealling to your ego is breathtakingly self-centered.

Does she absolutely have no shame, no boundaries?

She's applying brand management techniques to personal relationships.


[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:00 PM, July 6th (Thursday)]

RubixCubed posted 7/6/2017 13:03 PM

Does she absolutely have no shame, no boundaries?

The answer to this is painfully apparent.

Odonna posted 7/6/2017 14:50 PM


You are wise to focus just on each day and the tasks that you need to undertake to get out of infidelity. I especially admire that you are trying to exit with grace and kindness. It will be very important for her to be a good and safe mother to your kids.

So with that context, what do you think the purpose of this latest confession is? Do you think she is hoping that her confessional heroics will somehow impress you and make you reconsider divorce? Personally I think that may be part of
it, but maybe there is some sincerity in what she said about wanting to be a "whole person." Maybe the confession was to give you peace about your decision and show that while the marriage is irretrieveable she still wants to heal herself in order to better parent her kids. Knowing what you know about her is that possible? In all likelihood both motivations may be there. You will know what the balance is when you see if she starts intense IC now and really works with you on the settlement agreement and co-parenting plans. For your sake I hope she is not engaged in some Kamikaze fruitless effort to win you back, but is sincere about healing and being honest as a first step. Watching will reveal what it is. Peace to you; I do not need to wish you strength!

Tearsoflove posted 7/6/2017 15:28 PM

Please go ask a doctor to specifically test you for syphilis. Seriously, it's so uncommon anymore that doctor's don't even suspect it.

I recently had a friend who never saw the initial telltale sore. He started going to his doctor for minor symptoms. When he felt weak and tired the doctor said he was working too much. When he went back, he was given steroids and antibiotics for the rash on his hands. He didn't even become seriously alarmed until he started losing both his hearing and his vision. Even then, it didn't occur to them to test him for STDs. Because his father has some hearing loss, they assumed it was a genetic issue, particularly since the loss was identical in both ears. The vision loss was chalked up to his getting older.

By the time it gets to vision and hearing loss it is stage 3, the damage can be permanent. Even though all of his symptoms were classic for syphilis, his doctors didn't put it together. And here's the thing, he's a gay man. He gets STD testing regularly. They were not testing for syphilis because it's so uncommon. And they didn't suspect it because it's so uncommon.

Please go get tested specifically for syphilis just to be on the safe side. You can easily miss the first signs of syphilis and there are no symptoms in the latent stage (which is a period like remission). The latent stage can last for years before symptoms reappear and all the while, the person with the disease may be contagious. And once you reach the final stage of syphilis, the brain is affected.

I am not trying to detract from the emotional support you need but syphilis is serious. Please don't gloss over this.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:31 PM, July 6th (Thursday)]

Trtroles posted 7/6/2017 16:46 PM

Get yourself tested.
She cares only about herself and nobody else. It is hard to me to belive there is people like her.Damn.
Sorry for your pain.

nekonamida posted 7/6/2017 17:07 PM

Wow, so she could have given you syphilis years ago and never would have told you. Syphilis is fatal if it doesn't get treated. Her lie could have killed you. See a doctor right away and ask to be tested for it specifically.

RubixCubed posted 7/6/2017 18:11 PM

Real nice of her to wait until she knows there is no hope, to ease her guilt and twist the knife by dumping that on you . That can be the only explanation as if she was honestly remorseful she would have told you long ago.

Adlham posted 7/6/2017 21:14 PM

Ohfor, I'm so sorry.

Definitely get tested specifically for syphllis.

As others pointed out, it can lie dormant for years. Then tertiary syphllis hits and affects your brain. As a nurse, I have taken care of people with end-stage dementia caused by tertiary syphllis.

I cannot stress the importance enough.

And for that, I am truly sorry.

ohforanewme posted 7/10/2017 04:42 AM

Friday went badly. Clearly I am a slow learner. I seem unable to grasp that you just cannot script any part of this dreadful real life tragedy.

I fetched my 2 precious people form the airport on Friday evening. Fortunately I never had to say a word on the trip home. The whole trip was filled with their excited recollections of the activities and adventures of the week and how wonderful the unit was that Brother and co were staying in. I was glad for this, if I had joined in and pretended to be a happy participant in the conversation and then dropped the bomb on them, I might have eroded their trust in me.

As we arrived home, they wanted to go to the back of the car to unload their cases. I said that we could get that later. Guided them to the dining room where WW was sitting. She had clearly been crying. I said “mom and dad need to tell you something”. DS blurted out “you’re getting Divorced!” DD just put her hands to her face saying “please don’t, please don’t, please don’t”. WW looked up at them and said. “I have done the most awful and selfish thing. I have hurt your dad with a hurt that can never be healed”.

DD screamed at her, “I hate you!” and ran down the passage to her room. WW ran after her and tried to sit on the bed to comfort her. DD just kept kicking her violently away. I felt so powerless. The 2 women that had been the most important in my life, thrashing at each other and hurting each other. I had no clue of what to do. I led WW gently away. DS at least let her give him a hug but then said, “I think you should go now,” DS then went and lay next to DD and just hugged her.

As WW walked to her car she looked defeated. I have never felt such sorrow for another human in my entire life.

I unpacked the car, got the dirty clothes from the trip in the machine, and prepared something for supper. When I went to call them for supper I found them, lying, hugging each other, fast asleep. I covered them with a duvet and let them be, shoes and all. I thought that they might be getting some peace in sleep, why wake them to the awful reality again. WW had a rule that no matter what, no one in the house goes to bed without showering. Not under any circumstances! I thought to myself, “this is now our family, our home. Our rules.”

When I woke on Saturday morning they were in bed with me. I was sandwiched between the 2 of them. Made dad’s famous, oven frothed omelettes, gave the two piece Honda racing team overalls and we got to work.

It was a sombre morning. They shared their questions and concerns. WW has not yet given me any feedback on the proposed settlement agreement so I could not tell them how things would be, only what I hoped they would turn out to be.

They shared with me some of their fears. They have a few kids in class whose parents have joint custody and the challenges this presents for the children. The friends never know what house they will be staying at each night. When they want a particular dress, it is always at the other house. The kids often get into trouble at school for not having a school book with them because it was at the other house. I explained that I was hoping for primary residence custody and that the chance of that was very good. That settled them a bit.

DD said that she knew that a D settlement became an order of court and if the order of court said that she had to spend every 2nd weekend with her mom and she refused, would she be arrested for disobeying the court order. I gave her the assurance that nobody would make her do anything she did not want to and that I hoped that she would be able to forgive her mom allow her into her life again. She looked at me and said, but you haven’t so how can I. That cut.

Sunday evening, at the dining room table, over supper, we set up a diary with time allocated each day for us to do nothing else but begin to build a plan for our new future, and new family traditions. From this Friday we will have the Friday night sleepover. We will build from there.

My brother has been just wonderful. After I found the kids asleep on Friday evening I called him and told him everything. He was mortified, broke down. I found that I was consoling him over the phone. Our 2 families had shared so much of the very best of times together. He felt as if WW had now robbed all of those from them as well. Just after lunch on Sunday he walked through the front door.

Before they moved to the UK they lived in our neighbourhood. He still had some close friends here. One of his close friends is a chap whose wife left him for a foreign Diplomat and left him with the kids when she went with Diplomat to his next posting. It never even crossed my mind but Brother realised that the kids still have a week and a half before schools reopen and that we needed to keep them busy so as to keep their minds off things. Other dad is on leave for the duration of the holiday and is happy for my kids to tag along with their family for the week. Hope it gives them a picture that life can be fun in a single parent dad family.

After the kids left with Other Dad and family brother just held me. It was the first physical contact that I had had with someone close and trusted since D Day. He just held my head to his chest and let me cry it all out. Brother will be staying for 3 days.

MessyT posted 7/10/2017 06:36 AM

I am so glad you were able to tell your brother and how wonderful that he came when you needed him. Enjoy this time together.

They don't call this a roller coaster for nothing. You have done a wonderful job with the children and I send you strength to get through all this together. It's truly awful what supposedly loving spouses can inflict on a M. But we just have to keep walking through this minefield until hopefully we emerge stronger on the other side.

I admire your courage and the way you have handled all this in such a dignified manner.

Ponus18 posted 7/10/2017 06:56 AM

I'm sorry you had to go through that. And of course I'm sorry for the children.

It all sounds very normal to me. Kids react in various ways I'm sure at the telling and their reactions really aren't surprising, are they.

I also think that the telling is the absolute worst part. People, and especially kids, can adapt to anything. It never ceases to amaze me.

They have a great dad and everything is going to be fine. Hang in there.

UglyBetty posted 7/10/2017 07:19 AM


The raw emotion in your posts is humbling and touches a chord in all of us. Thank you for your trust of complete strangers. I think so many are avidly following your story because despite your obvious pain, you're in a really good place and you're doing the right things even though your heart breaks a little more with progressive one. I also have to compliment you on your most excellent and grammatically wonderful English + diverse vocabulary...your posts are a pleasure to read. In a world where few seem to be able to tell the difference between "there", "their" and "they're", this is a refreshing and welcome change. I jest, but only partially

I'm truly sorry for the trauma to your children but it seems that their trust in you is not shaken. They clearly see you as the safe parent but don't seem to be lashing out at you while processing their pain. From what I've read, this sometimes happens to the "safe" parent because the kids know that he/she isn't going anywhere. As well, in response to your daughter's comment about you not forgiving her mother, I think it's important to remind her that hurts that deep take time to heal but you will eventually forgive her. As for your daughter, that is her mother for better or for worse and no matter what happens she loves her children.

Re: sleeper cars, I've never actually had one and doubt I will in the future but I LOVE the though of them. It was my dream to take my old Jetta and make it a speed demon. Of course, I have no car skills so I would have to have had it done and that takes away the pleasure somewhat. There are so many jackasses on the road that it's a pleasure to see a douche in fast car try to rip what he thinks is a slow car only to find out that he bit off more than he could chew. SO satisfying. I'm glad you're doing this project with your children. May they remember it with much satisfaction when they're older...

Also, on behalf of all Canadians, please don't write us off because of one incredibly bad (rotten) apple

Stevesn posted 7/10/2017 07:45 AM

Your children are incredibly close and supportive of each other. I'm so glad they have each other to lean on during this difficult time.

Same for you and your brother.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:11 AM, July 10th (Monday)]

TimelessLoss posted 7/10/2017 07:58 AM

Friday went badly. Clearly I am a slow learner. I seem unable to grasp that you just cannot script any part of this dreadful real life tragedy.
Honestly, I can't image it going "better". How could it have gone well? What would that have looked like? We never want to see our children hurt. We never want to be part of hurting them. We always want to protect them from hurt and pain. In their way, at that time, in those attendant circumstances, they processed the hurt in an altogether understandable way.

Ohfor, I see so much of you in your children based on what you wrote. Dads provide, protect, and are present. You are remarkable in those ways. You have already started to build a "new normal" family life for them. That will give them the sense of safety and security they need. Your DS actions toward his sister is a most touching display of love. I believe he is a reflection of you.

I wish for peace for you and your children.

harrybrown posted 7/10/2017 09:29 AM

Glad that you are there for your kids.

Stay strong.

Hope you and your kids get some fun times and some healing.

Counselors may be needed for your kids.

Hope for better days for you.

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