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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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Stevesn posted 7/21/2017 06:52 AM

Thanks for the update. Hope you have returned to some semblance of "routine" in your lives.

I missed what you said about the call from her employer. What was that about?

ohforanewme posted 7/21/2017 07:36 AM

Thanks Stevesn for pointing that out.

I must have posted that in another forum. Am realising that on some issues I need to start connecting with the good folk in Divorced. Might also have posted in General. Can't remember right now. Been a tough week. Had 3 days of business in Cape Town. A 2 hour flight each way. Did a daily commute so that I could still do the caring single dad thing.

MD from WW's employer called me earlier in the week to let me know how concerned they are about her behaviour. Drunk at work more than once.

Was hoping to get some insights into the mind of a WW and they cant post here.

As always, got some good advice from the SI community. Sorry for leaving you in the dark

Dismayed2012 posted 7/21/2017 10:32 AM

ohforanewme - "Once you have dealt with the challenge of having a wife who has repeatedly had sex with other men, everything else is a piece of cake."

Agreed.

SCARLETT94 posted 7/21/2017 21:55 PM

You are handling this remarkably well.
I admire you

ohforanewme posted 7/22/2017 09:05 AM

DD and I went for a long walk this morning. (DS is with mom). We had no objective in mind and just meandered.

We ended up here.


(I have not mastered the art of actually getting the photo to display here but I have tested and if you right click on the icon and select view image)

(All sorted for me by HardenMyHeart a few posts down )

At my lonely bench of awful hurt of a few weeks back. Seeing it again brought back no memories of pain. Seeing it just reminded me of how blessed I am. This is the beauty and wonder of the winter world that I am privileged to live in.

To have been able to live in a place quite this beautiful, for 10 years, and then to have my even more beautiful DD at my side. What more could a man actually ask for from life?

I am so blessed

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 1:50 AM, July 26th (Wednesday)]

Shockedmom posted 7/22/2017 11:10 AM

Great post. You have come a long way. Wishing you and your kids continued healing.

Stevesn posted 7/22/2017 11:41 AM

Somehow the link/icon are not working for me. Just seeing the faint outline of a small white square instead of the icon. Would love to see it.

I'm so glad that you are connecting well with your children.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:41 AM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

Skan posted 7/22/2017 11:50 AM

OFANM, if you are trying to show a photo, it needs to be uploaded to an internet photo storage site I use photo bucket. That usually gives you a direct URL to copy and past here. If it's something on the internet itself, like a photo

You get the image itself on the screen, and copy the URL.

Then paste here, highlight and chose the Quote feature in the blue box " ".

Go back to the brackets at the beginning and end, and replace the word quote with img. Be sure on the end quote to not delete the /.

And you should have an image. Sometimes it doesn't work, and you have to do it again. Hence the edits in my post!

[This message edited by Skan at 11:53 AM, July 22nd, 2017 (Saturday)]

MidnightRun posted 7/22/2017 16:20 PM

You are indeed blessed beyond measure.

So happy for you and your wonderful kids.

You've taught your children some fundamental life lessons about integrity, honesty and resiliency.

Separately, your stbxw appears to need treatment for substance abuse.

Karma is a .....

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 4:59 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 7/23/2017 01:33 AM

Here is ohforanewme's lonely bench of pain photo:

Hope you don't mind me helping out with the photo.
I have been following your posts and have been very impressed with the wisdom and compassion you have shown throughout. I'm so sorry for what you and your dear one's have gone through.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:14 AM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

ohforanewme posted 7/23/2017 01:48 AM

HardenMyHeart

Thank you so much.

Seems there is nothing that the SI community can't help one with.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 8:15 AM, July 23rd (Sunday)]

ohforanewme posted 8/1/2017 05:58 AM

We have a settlement

It is signed.

On Friday Atr called and asked if I could stop by his office that evening. He had received a response on our proposed Settlement Agreement from WW’s attorney. In her response, WW asked for only minor changes. She asked for 3 paintings. They are quite valuable but are in fact hers. I should have thought to include them in the original proposal. One I gave her for her 30th, one on the birth of DS and the other she bought at a charity auction (with my money mind you).

She also asked that it be written in that the children spend mother’s day with her regardless of whose weekend it is. She offered the same to me for father’s day.

We countered, saying that we would accept these demands on condition that we include clauses relating to substance abuse and “morality clauses”. We tried to explain quite clearly how these were not meant to be vindictive in any way but were being requested only in an attempt to protect 2PP.

I fully expected WW to fight me on this, especially as I believed that her not giving me any feedback on the SA, was an attempt to still try and get me to change my mind on D. I still get daily messages telling me that I am the only man she has, and ever will, love, and how crushingly lonely she is.

Instead she instructed her attorney to strengthen the clauses to the point that, if breach occurs, she loses all visitation rights. She has included mandatory twice yearly monitoring. Apparently she is very serious about getting herself fixed, and is taking solid, corrective measures. She is seeking support and joined the appropriate support groups. Her attorney told Atr that this will be her strongest motivation to be the best person she could ever be.

Atr was given this more stringent version with all the requisite signatures required from her side, already in place. All I had to do was sign and it was done.

From here I am in Atr’s capable hands and in 4 to 5 weeks I am no longer a married man.

I don’t know how to thank you all for what you have done for me. All I can think of is trying to pay it forward. I think that I still need to fix some of me, and get a bit stronger, before I get as active in JFO as what you wonderful folk are. Also I don’t yet have the wisdom that you so clearly demonstrate. But I have realised that the time zone that I am in allows me to play a small but important roll.

You will never know what it meant to me when I saw those first responses from burcm, Trtroles babypuke and beauchateaux. The sudden realisation that insignificant, little, me, sitting in an obscure spot on this lonely, spec of a planet, drifting aimlessly in the infinity and eternity of space, had been noticed and was important to folk who did not even know me but cared enough to give me time and words of solace. So, being in the time zone where I am, I am often the first to see the posts of those pained new members, sitting alone, posting anywhere between midnight and 2 am. Reaching out in agony. Just hoping to be heard. I can reach out to them, just place a comforting hand on their shoulder. Let them know that they are not alone. That they are in the right place and that shortly, wise and caring souls will stop by and give all the care and guidance to get them to a much better place. This is how I will pay it forward for now.

And I will be able to do this with conviction, because I will be speaking from the heart.

I have been given the most wonderfully warm welcome by the lovely folk in D/S. They have helped with a few matters, that one only begins to encounter when you begin the D journey. They have been kind and gentle in their support. I am hoping that some of you will pop in on my threads there from time to time. You will see healing taking place. There has even been opportunity for humour. Also, last week, possibly the best day of my entire life, when I was given a most amazing gift, by a little girl, a friend of DD. She allowed me to be there for her, and play the part of a great dad.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

NotYetConvinced posted 8/1/2017 09:12 AM

Congratulations! I hope to not be too far behind you.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/1/2017 09:31 AM

Fantastic! Way to go 'ohforanewme'! You and your kids have a great life ahead of you. I've found that the lessons that I've learned through the pain and healing processes have caused my world to be more colorful, hopeful, and bright. I wish the same for you and your kids. Take care of yourself. :)

Jduff posted 8/1/2017 10:11 AM

I completely agree with what Dismayed2012 said up there. As terrible a pain that infidelity brings to each of our lives it is up to us as to how we went want to conclude our own stories. If we learned and healed well from these experiences we do tend to have brighter futures ahead of us.

As the saying goes,

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

And I have known no worse an emotional assault then what infidelity has brought to me. Thus, I am much stronger in the heart as well as the mind these days.

ohforanewme, we really appreciate your willingness to be that early life line to new JFO members. You will find your own healing accelerate as you assist in the healing if others.

Not only am I glad to read that you will be getting the desired result from the D but that your STBXW is making plans to, as we say around here, "own her shit in full" by making herself accountable and begin the process of fixing her broken. Hopefully in the future she can figure out the real "why" and share it with you so that you can truly close that chapter of the old marriage. Hopefully, in the future the children can have mother that they can fully respect and admire again. Hopefully she becomes better person from this experience and maybe becomes a new woman as a result.

Stevesn posted 8/1/2017 10:51 AM

OhFor

Thanks for the update. Glad things are progressing.

I was wondering, is she still in the hotel? If so is she working on getting away from the bar lifestyle? Are those the programs you are referring to?

Take care.
BTW the bench in the park is beautiful

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:52 AM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

twisted posted 8/1/2017 16:20 PM

Congrats to you Oh!
You made my day.

kaygem posted 8/1/2017 16:35 PM

ohforanewme,

I have quietly been reading your posts. Crying for you. I didn't really have much to contribute as I'm such a newly BS spouse myself so I read what the wise, more experienced ones were speaking to you.

Sometimes, when I read some BH's posts, I feel strangely jealous. I feel jealous that I didn't have a committed man- like you and many of the other BH's on here are. I am astounded that any woman would throw away the love of a man that was faithful to her and cared for her as you did your wife. I feel like I would have given anything for a husband like that, what kind of idiot trashes that kind of love and devotion? Well I guess that is THE question all the BS's on SI are hoping to have answered...

All the best to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

earthangel posted 8/1/2017 17:26 PM

So glad to hear such a positive update, and see that your STBXW has realised she needs stringent boundaries to keep herself in check. .. I hope they work for her.

I'm also glad to hear you're sticking around on SI.. you're a great example of the saying "you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have!" and future newbies in JFO are going to appreciate that you led by example when you feel able to reach out to them.

[This message edited by earthangel at 5:27 PM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 8/2/2017 02:52 AM

Hi NYC

Yes, we seem to have been fellow sojourners on the path out of infidelity. So glad that you are also nearly at the exit to the path. Once you leave the path, there is a great big, scary, exciting world out there, that you get to explore without the fetters of a WW holding your back, and wounding you at every turn.

I was one of the first ones to respond to your initial post. I was in a rather dark place on the day and my response reflected where my mind was at at the time but looking back, boy was it accurate.

I continued to follow your thread but did not post again because at each stage I just wanted to write in large, bold font letters, “DON’T PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THE YEAR OF FALSE R HELL THAT I DID” but then I held back, thinking, what it they have a chance at successful R and I then become the one that destroyed what could be. What I now can say with confidence is, man, I wish I had done this sooner. I won’t lie. I often catch myself, and even 2PP pinning for the fantasy of what we thought we had, but in all honesty, the reality of what we have now is actually better, and of course, it is real.

Dismayed, Jduff and earthangel, what you say is so spot on. It is as if I am feeling and experiencing everything with senses that are alive again. My enthusiasm for life is greater than it has ever been. I have managed to fit a little IC in and that, together with life’s experiences as a soon to be divorced, has shown me that an over blown ego was (and to an extent still is) an issue. Fortunately there is no better remedy for that than the experience of infidelity. I am seeing the world through more compassionate eyes, and that alone is opening my world up for so much more happiness. It is allowing me to spot more opportunities to show empathy and care and the sense of wholeness that you get from that is beyond comprehension.

Stevens, firstly, thanks for being such a tireless support to all of us new BS,’s (you and Sharkman are legend), I reads all the threads and see your wise counsel. You never loose patience with us, even the most stubborn or weak. Yes WW is still in the hotel but as we understand it from her attorney, she has transformed herself since spending the previous weekend at the home of one of 2BF. She has sought both medical care as well as the support of AA. In one of those strange twists of life, it is the same group that her dad finally joined and that helped him at least have a few happy years towards the end of his life. What is more ironic, is what brought FIL to finally seek help for his issue, and its parallel to WW’s motive.

When DD was about 2, MIL had to call us late on a Saturday night because FIL had become uncontrollable. On Sunday we had to go back to fix a few things and FIL then attempted to play with DD. WW took DD away from him and told him that unless he left the bottle he would never see DD again. That day he brought his stash form all their secret places, poured them down the drain, joined AA and never looked back. Those last years were the happiest year of his and MIL’s life. Pity he waited so long. I thing that WW did some reflection and now saw that she was close to facing the same decision that he had to make. I have confidence that her brief affair with Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels is over. So pleased. Better for us all.

Kaygem, you have hit the nail on the head. I have had those exact thoughts, just with the gender reversed of course. There are so many wonderful, honourable lovely women on here and their idiot BH’s vacillate over feelings for them or some low life slut! In most cases these women are far better people than me. They have a much greater capacity for forgiveness and grace than I have. Makes no sense. I have to admit that I still have moments of self-doubt. I know that I am a man of worth, but I cannot get away from the fact that, when I was standing on the scale of decision, with a snog in the toilet on the other dish, the woman that I gave my heart to, chose the snog in the toilet over me. No one could honestly say that that would have no effect on them. I know all the intellectual stuff. It is not a reflection on me. It is on her. But that does not speak to the heart. At least 2PP show me that I am a superhero, just like SuperDaddy’s do for him.

So to all just joined BS’s, know this. There is life after infidelity. A rather good one at that. The key? Whether R or D, it is the same. Take back unwavering control over your life and your decisions. Do it assertively!

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 2:56 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

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