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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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SuperDaddy1027 posted 8/2/2017 06:00 AM

Congrats OhFor! I'm extremely excited for you and your children! My next step is just beginning. The marital house is scheduled to close in less than 3 weeks. I move next weekend. Then I need to get custody schedule signed by jusge and make divorce finalized. I'm hoping everything goes swiftly and smoothly.

Sharkman posted 8/2/2017 06:16 AM

So to all just joined BS’s, know this. There is life after infidelity. A rather good one at that. The key? Whether R or D, it is the same. Take back unwavering control over your life and your decisions. Do it assertively!

You have completely understood the exact precise reason for JFO. Everyone is very, very different. All we can do as anonymous internet friends is to do two things:

1. Get them out of the abuse cycle of infidelity
2. Re-empower them

That's why I'm so big on exposure. It's really the greatest tool out there. Not only is it strategically the best tool to end the infidelity cycle, but it's also the one (legal) action that proverbial palm onto the table that says I AM NOT GOING TO BE FUCKED WITH. Someone's willingness to expose really tells is precisely where someone is on the empowerment pat

That's why I love this thread so much. Sure it's a sad story, but this is one of those rare threads where we can point to the freshly-betrayed where you never gave up on yourself and you had the cojones to demand a base level of respect. Man....folks always (understandably) worry about breaking up a family in divorce but this is THE lesson to teach your kids. Hell, her dad may have thought her this and it may have saved her life.

Ponus18 posted 8/2/2017 13:08 PM

Good for you ohfor. Luckily for me I dumped my serial cheating xWW 3 plus years ago and have now settled down with a wonderful and very faithful, honest woman who lives with me. Because I'm not sure how I'd fare against you in the singles market!

I'll just add 2 interesting items of note to your update post:

1. One more very important thing you've brought to SI in addition to what you've cited in your post is that somehow, I think subliminally, you have raised everyone's grammar and vocabulary here at SI. The same people who would post things like "well shit man I think you better damn well get off your ass and stick it back to your cheating whore of a wife" instead post things like "my dear Ohfor, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to express my profound concern vis-a-vis your plans in respect of your heretofore trustworthy life partner." Webster's Dictionary and English teachers across America thank you.

2. Did you ever imagine in your wildest dreams that you would write something expressing sincere thanks to an individual whose words helped change your life, and his name is babypuke?

[This message edited by Ponus18 at 1:09 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

twisted posted 8/2/2017 13:34 PM

SisterMilkshake

Not saying that they would have to be desperate to be interested in you, ohforanewme. But, you are fresh meat.

Sister is wise indeed, I've lived my whole life in a small town and the word is definitely out on you. Beware of strangers, but keep the cherry pies, one of my weaknesses.


I found this today, some guy taking a selfie at his divorce meeting, thought of you. Probably inappropriate...

Congrats again.

[This message edited by twisted at 1:36 PM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

anoldlion posted 8/2/2017 21:30 PM

ohforanewme, I have a question. If your STBXW was to heal herself, get her life in order and once again become the woman you loved before, would you, sometime in the future, consider dating her again? If you were confident that she was again the woman you first fell in love with would you consider her as a future companion? Just wondering. Sometimes things become stronger after a trip through the fire. I do wish you well.

ohforanewme posted 8/3/2017 02:25 AM

SI should carry a government health warning

Do not eat while reading on SI.

Last night, for the second time now, I nearly choked to death because of an SI post.

I am taking 2PP to a game lodge for the weekend. The Jazz project is now at the point where in had to go into the shop to get some things done so we don’t have that to keep us busy this weekend.

I got 2PP fed, homework done and then packing for the trip. I then finally settled down to have my supper and, after the events of yesterday evening (details in a D/S thread) I needed my SI fix so began reading. I had a good chuckle all through Ponus’s post but when I got to the babypuke bit it became a guffaw. I think my lungs are coated with crumbed cabbage and cheese bake. Fortunately 2PP came to the rescue. Arms up. Bash on the back. A glass of water and all is well again.

Ponus, the vocabulary development is certainly not a one way street. Never in my wildest imagining did I ever believe that I would find use for a word like “Sh!t Storm” but what could be more apt to describe what we are all plunged into by this infidelity stuff. No matter what role you play in it. BS, WS or poor innocent kiddy, you are in the heart of a Sh!t Storm. Bugger! Why would anyone ever choose to do it? And yet they do. Day after day the membership grows.

Ponus, we have also had some fun developing the language further in a threat in D/S titled “On a lighter note – Family specific vernacular”

Anoldlion, you ask an interesting question. One that I have asked myself.

Quite early on in my thread, at a time when I almost lost my nerve, Jduff posted the following;

Divorce is just a legal termination of contract of marriage. It doesn't mean the nine planets align, a magical portal opens, and your STBXW is banished into some alternate dimensional prison forever. Your kids will ensure that you will have many opportunities of interaction with your STBXW in the near future. From your STBXW's position she could see this as many opportunities over time to show you remorse, her self-improvement and change for the better, to be respectable woman and a safe person once again. You can decide later if a second chance is in the works...or not. People here have sought R after D.


And for some reason I found that so comforting. I was so passionately and completely in love with WW that this gave me some hope that maybe, some day, I could have that back. The answer now though is, I don’t think so.

There are 2 reasons for this. I now know that she has never been who I thought she was. Possibly more importantly, through all of this I have changed and grown. I have managed to fit in some IC and, through that and the forced, painful but valuable, introspection thrust on someone heading to D, I realise that, to a very large extent, I was an arrogant git and WW was a trophy wife. She was (should actually say is but my view is a little clouded now) breathtakingly beautiful. I was a loner. The invisible man. She moved in the right social circles and was the most popular in that circle. I was the academic dork sitting alone at lunch. But it is important to understand the reason that I was sitting alone at lunch. It was because I did not mind it at all. I actually enjoyed it as I thought that I was above everyone else and their conversation was just boring. She was the girl every boy dreamed of dating. Everyone thought that she was way out of my league and yet she chose me. When she chose me it proved to them that I was right about how I viewed myself. I felt such a sense of achievement in marrying her. By marrying her I somehow thought that I increased my self-worth in everyone else's mind. But in truth I never felt that I actually deserved her. I have driven myself throughout my life and in everything I do, just to try and at last become worthy of this woman. And in the end, was she really that good? She chose to be a WS after all.

No, next time I will be looking for warm, caring, engaged conversation. Some shared interests. Travel has to be one of them, and then some wacky ones each for ourselves. The only requirement in the looks department would be eyes with a naughty twinkle and a mouth that breaks easily into a smile.

So no, I don’t think there is now any chance of R after D, but friendship is certainly a good possibility. And forgiveness now a certainty.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 7:18 AM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

twisted posted 8/3/2017 08:17 AM

oh,

But in truth I never felt that I actually deserved her. I have driven myself throughout my life and in everything I do, just to try and at last become worthy of this woman.

I think you have realized it's the other way around. It is her that was out her league, she didn't deserve you.

StopSpinning posted 8/3/2017 10:58 AM

ohforanewme

I have driven myself throughout my life and in everything I do, just to try and at last become worthy of this woman. And in the end, was she really that good? She chose to be a WS after all.

This statement had such a profound impact on me. Ohfor, while you thought you were driven throughout your life to become worthy of the woman, in reality, you were driven to become worthy of YOURSELF. I believe this to be true of my own situation as well. While I thought we were building our empire together, in truth, I am now fortunate to realize I was building the empire for myself

Carry on..."We know what we are, but know not what we may be." Your 2PP are the key to living your life and becoming what you have always been destined to be. Like most of us here, you just got a little sidetracked along the way.

With much respect to you -

Edit for typos

[This message edited by StopSpinning at 11:02 AM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

Jduff posted 8/3/2017 16:23 PM

ohforanewme, often times the new JFO member does not see the forest from the trees in terms of understanding who and what they are really dealing with early from their own Dday. Detachment, especially through the 180, helps the BS elevate themselves emotionally and mentally above that infidelity forest. The higher the altitude the better one can start seeing that vast picture and see the best path forward through that forest, whether it be D or R.

After your first Dday, you weren't allowed to elevate above that infidelity forest. In fact you were being "managed" by your STBXW in her attempt run a marriage recovery operation per HER guidelines, her MC, her IC for you. She used a trait of yours, low tolerance for failure, as part of her strategy, her "leverage" to get you to comply to her version of recovery after infidelity. Bottom line, you weren't allowed to heal the way you were supposed to heal. Your were delayed by her attempt to brainwash you into thinking her affairs were the best thing for your marriage. Now you know what utter garbage you were being fed by popular culture version of "affair recovery". You, sir, are a survivor. A lion. You are fully aware of this now more than ever to have weathered such a shit storm as infidelity and have come out fighting with renewed strength to begin your journey to become a better man than you were before.

Twisted is dead on target. It is YOU that is the worthy one. You've come to realize your true worth and it was gift wrapped in fidelity. Your STBXW has revealed herself as not the lioness that should be at your side instead she acted like a common house cat in heat.

I don't mean to polish your ego with all this but it is how I see your progress. Don't forget that one of the best things to come out if this is also a renewed bond with your brother. I'm certain he has a new sense of pride and respect for how you've handled this. You have a very bright future ahead of you.

[This message edited by Jduff at 4:24 PM, August 3rd (Thursday)]

Odonna posted 8/9/2017 13:58 PM

Hello O4 --

I see you are exploring the divorce forum, and doing well, but I am wondering how the rest of the threads of your story have resolved.

How is the OBS doing (if you are still in touch)?

Has STBXW stabilized her job situation? Her alcohol addiction?

Are the kids visiting with her; is she in the townhome yet?

Is the SA in place and working well?

Did you decide on an au pair for help when you are out of town?

Anything else you'd like to share?

Your story is a powerful one, and it's like missing the season finale not to know how things resolved, even though we know your course is clear and you are thriving.

Best to you!

Texashunter41 posted 8/9/2017 14:03 PM

I have driven myself throughout my life and in everything I do, just to try and at last become worthy of this woman. And in the end, was she really that good? She chose to be a WS after all.

I feel the same way..

ohforanewme posted 8/9/2017 14:16 PM

Hi Odanna

Thanks for checking in. I suppose that there is quite a bit to update on.

The au pair thing is now a priority. I am traveling for business this week and the care for 2PP presented some challenge. Resolved through a family council.

The Internet connection where I am this week is appalling and I try to use what there is to touch base with 2PP.

I will give a more comprehensive update on the items you mentioned when back home next week.

ohforanewme posted 8/11/2017 11:29 AM

Moved to one of TH's threads.

I thought it would be more appropriate there

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:07 PM, August 11th (Friday)]

ThisGuy posted 8/13/2017 17:38 PM

Just to clarify, what (or who) is TH?

HardenMyHeart posted 8/13/2017 17:52 PM

Just to clarify, what (or who) is TH?
I believe TH is referring to the thread started by Texashunter41 that is also found in the "Just Found Out" sub-forum.

RomanticInnocenc posted 8/13/2017 22:08 PM

Hey Ohfor,

Great to see your update, I have been thinking about you recently and wondering how everything is going.

Ponus wrote, much more eloquently then I could have, something I was thinking too. I laughed very loudly at how he put it!

So glad that she signed off on the agreement and was even happier to read how she not only agreed but strengthen the stipulations around her addiction. Even if she isn't the wife you deserved, she may yet become the Mother your kids can be proud of. I hope that will be the case.

I also commend your willingness to explore your own self as well. Despite it all ending in D due to no fault of your own, it is good to see you owning some of the less then flattering parts of yourself and being determined to address them. Life is a continuous journey of learning and self discovery and I truly believe that when you shut yourself off to becoming more evolved you start taking this life for granted. I hope with some healing you will one day be able to find someone truly worthy to share your incredible life with.

ohforanewme posted 8/14/2017 10:45 AM

As promised, herewith an update on some of the unresolved threads of this thread.

Firstly, twisted, StopSpinning, Jduff, TH,TG, Odonna and RomanticInnocenc, ( and really, I suppose I should actually say “and all of you”) thank you for always checking in. There is a special kind of encouragement that I get from knowing that people care enough to reach out. I am sure you will know from very personal experience, we all, no matter how well it might seem we are doing, can always use a little more caring. Another reminder that, to someone, we matter. Oh, and RomanticInnocence,


Ponus wrote, much more eloquently then I could have, something I was thinking too. I laughed very loudly at how he put it!

I just hope that you were not eating at the time.

Then, yes thanks HardenMyHeart, it was Texashunter41 who I was referring to. He posted a little higher up on this page and I responded to that, but then reread my response, it dealt with some of what he was mentioning in his thread How did it make you feel?, elsewhere in JFO so I thought that I should move it there.

I suppose I should then get on with the update. I will use Odonna’s post as a guide but if I miss anything just let me know.

I am going to start with the au pair question first as it is the most current in our life right now. It is urgent, and good progress is being made. The pre-A me would have tried to do all of the recruitment and selection stuff myself. The new, improving post-A me did something that I would never previously have done. I reached out for help. I approached some of the school moms that I know have experience with au pairs and asked for advice and assistance. They have been great. They have helped with recommendation on the agency. On what to include in contracts. On how to deal with someone becoming so intimately involved with the family and its daily life, while at the same being an employee. They explained what can be expected as part of the service and when a tip should be considered. They helped with selection criteria and interview questions and the approach to take with the interviews themselves.

On Saturday afternoon, one of the moms arranged a tea with all the moms who have experience with au pairs and invited DD and I over. It was lovely. Most of the ladies are married, so I felt safe and not like “fresh meat”. The ladies advised on all of the above and more. At the same time their kids took DD into the garden and advised her on how the get the most out of the au pair situation and play her off against dad.

The ladies also advised on what elements of the recruitment and selection process to involve 2PP in and which to keep for myself. It turned out to be a truly wonderful afternoon of social engagement. I found myself not only listening but talking as well. Some even seemed to find my conversation interesting. Some even thought that I might have a sense of humour. It went on far longer that what I think any of us anticipated, with no one leaving. Eventually DD and I had to leave to be home when WW dropped off DS.

I am now working through the potential candidate list that the agency has sent me and will be selecting those that I would like to interview. I have set aside the afternoon of Wednesday next week to do the interviews and hope to make an appointment by the end of the month.

On to OBS. Yes, OBS and I are still in contact. Where, in the first weeks we were speaking daily, we now speak every Monday. We found that our A and D related workloads were just too great for us to be able to set aside time each day. We also did not need the mutual support that we needed in those first few days. Where, initially our conversations were all about the A and the D arrangements, our conversations now are far more about “us” and what is going on in our lives.

OBS is doing so well. She tells me that she is the happiest that she has ever been in her life. With POSOM she lived a lonely life. He was insanely jealous. (I wonder how many WSs are insanely jealous. They know what they are getting up to and then project that onto the poor loyal BS). He was even jealous of her interaction with her same sex friends. For the most part, her life consisted of getting home in the evenings, making the evening meal and then getting on with the household chores while he watched TV and drank too much. He then falling asleep on the couch and her going to bed alone. (Boy, did WW pick one!)

Her parents both died some time back but they left her a bit of a nest egg as well as their retirement home. Neither of which will form part of the marriage estate. She has tenants in the retirement home but they have been given notice and when they move out she will move in there. In the interim OBS has moved in with her widow friend and allowed POSOM to move back into the marital property, until it is sold. She tells me that he was living in a hovel with an alcoholic friend before she let him move back to the home. The property is up for sale and apparently they are expecting a good price for the property. As I understand it from her, the property market, especially for single family homes, where they live is cooling this year but that is only after a strong rise the past few years.

OBS is suing for D on the grounds of adultery. It has no effect on the division of shared assets, but at least spares her the agony of having to be married to POSOM for another 12 months. Her experience, like mine, again shows how critical it is for a BS to consult with a lawyer as soon as absolutely possible. While the reasons that it was important for her difffer to what they were for me, both of us could have been so much worse off, even if we had acted just slightly differently. So to every BS new to SI. GO AND CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY STRAIGHT AWAY!!!!!!. Before you even cry, or scram, our throat punch him. (Please never throat punch him! Or even just slap him. I say him, as I just cannot imagine a man hitting a woman but it applies equally there as well. We now know that the trauma that our WS’s inflict on us is at the level of rape and child murder but in the legal frameworks in which most of us live, they get to just gloat and get away with it. If you so much as give them a slap that leaves nothing more than a warm, pink glow, you could face jail time. No, there is no justice or fairness for the BS in infidelity. It is my view that our only chance at any sort of justice from all of this is getting to the place where we build our new lives to be happier than the ones we had pre A. Don’t think it can’t be done. Go and read the thread “The best revenge” by DeeplyCrushed in D/S and then read “I am not a mess!” by tessthemess in General).

OBS is having the time of her life. She has joined a woman’s group, gotten more active in a choir and is planning a travel adventure that she and widow friend will embark on as soon as the D is finalised and she gets her share of the M estate. She has never been out of the country before.

For POSOM, things seem to be going even worse than for STBXWW. I am not going to go into too much detail. It is not my story to tell but the few bits that might be relevant are;

He is still unemployed. Like WW did for a while, he is fighting a battle with the bottle. The employer is proceeding with both civil and criminal fraud cases. His parents want to formally disinherit him. They apparently view his actions as contradictory all they have ever stood for. They have also instructed their legal advisors to investigate if there is any way for them to take legal action against WW on behalf of OBS. I find it slightly ironic that OBS is attempting to play mediator with them on behalf of POSOM. So far they are having none of it.

In terms of how STBXWW is doing, I don’t have a complete picture. I am staying strictly NC as much as is possible. You will understand why in a moment.

What I do know is that she seems to be doing well in terms of turning her back on alcohol. I do have a bit of a concern though. She is going to IC 3 times a week. I am told she has become very active with AA. Has apparently become passionately involved with some charity work. The way that it has been explained to me, I see that she is tackling these as possibly the addiction that she is replacing alcohol with. Another possibility is that it is another attempt of hers to stage manage some sort of R with me. I suppose it might just be an honest attempt to become a new and better her. Hope so.

Apart from the expected messages relating to finances or arrangements for DS visits, I still get the 3 messages every day. These are of some concern to me. Either, they indicate some emotional imbalance or, more likely, they indicate that she still thinks she is able to manage and manipulate me. To be honest, they do upset me.

This morning’s read “Good morning my love. I know you know that you are the only man I have ever loved. The day has dawned bright. I pray that this is a sign that today is the day that you will recognise just how much you still love me and open your heart to me once again. Let’s rebuild the magic we had”.

In the one of yesterday evening, she gave a long list of all the classical love tragedies and then wrote how she knows that with each I have felt frustrated that such intense, passionate love now goes unrequited for eternity, (that is true) ending with “now you have a real life, passionate tale of true love where you are in complete control of how the story ends. On this one, just one decision by you, and we all live happily ever after”.

The one late last night was, “I know that you know, that even in just the present, this loneliness is crushing me. The thought that it will be my future will be more than I can bear. I know you. You are the kindest, most caring man in the world. You have never been able to stand by and watch as someone hurts. Your humanity will not allow you to watch me have to endure this hurt for the rest of my life. End it now, you can.”

DD still refuses to have any contact with WW at all. I am not pushing it as yet. I am hoping that as she sees me soften towards WW, she will begin the same journey. As several lf you pointed out. It is not realy my job to do. Also, I have to realise that I am now well over a year out. For her it is still stage one. As you also pointed out. Everything that I felt, loss of trust, self-blame, abandonment, etc. she will be feeling. I must give her time. I also need to let go of the outcome.

DS has spent every Saturday with her other than the previous weekend, when 2PP and I went to a game lodge for the weekend. More on that a little later.

STBXWW is not yet in the townhouse but things are a little better. She is staying with one of 2BF for 3 nights a week. I was hoping to try and help to get her in as soon as possible. I think that once she can puts roots down, she will be able to begin to build a new future for herself. I made an offer to the current tenatns that they would not have to pay any rent for August if they were able to move out earlier than the end of the month. I was hoping that that might mean she would be able to move in on say the 19th. Well they accepted the offer and will be out so that she can move in on the26th. Not quite what I had hopped for but at least it is something.

She has asked if I would be willing to come over on the Sunday and help to unpack boxes and hang pictures. I think I am going to decline. I just don’t think I am there yet. Please don’t judge me on this.

The SA is agreed and everything is in process. It will become an order of court when it comes before the Judge and the D is made final. As I understand that from Atr, we are now most probably 3 or 4 weeks from that.

There is one more thing that I am just dying to share. As mentioned, I took 2PP to a game lodge the weekend prior to the one just past. Maybe I need to share a little about our game lodge experience. STBXWW and I have been going to the lodge, every year, regularly, for over 20 years. In that time we have had 3 hyena sightings. You all know the significance that the hyena and the lion has for me. One of the previous hyena sightings was quite good, with him walking across some open ground, but the others were him hiding in the shadows, obscured by bushes. On this trip the hyena walked across the road, not more than 15 meters in front of the car. Well, on last weekend’s trip we did not get to see any lions, but we did get to enjoy the most magnificent encounter with the other big cat included in Africa’s Big 5, the leopard. In our more than 20 years of visiting the lodge we have only had 5 leopard sightings. These have usually been just a tail dangling from a tree, a flick of an ear or only seen through a pair of good binoculars. Well, on the same game drive on which we were treated to the hyena, a leopard emerged, not more than 5 meters in front of the car. He stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of the car. Looked directly at me as if to say “this is my domain. I will allow you into it as long as you show the necessary respect. Stay an appropriate distacne, and then proceeded to walk down the road for maybe one and a half kilometres, directly in front of the car. Incredible. On top of this, there were several other sightings of other species that were also the best ever. 2PP are convinced that this was nature saying to the OhFor family. “We know you have had some tough times recently, we feel for you, and are going to do something a little special, to see if we can help brighten the world for you”. I promise, I am not making any of this up. I have the photo evidence. As soon as I figure out how to get the dam things to display (I have registered a photo bucket account and followed all the instructions but still just can’t get it). I will share them.

What I do seem to be able to share wrt photos is a link to Google drive but then it seems as if only some can see them and I don't know if that is breaking SI rules. I made a mistake the other day and although I was corrected by the mods in an ever so gentle way, I felt terrible about it. Don't want to do that again. I need this place.

If any loose ends remain, just let me know. This place has been so incredibly helpful to me. If there is a way that I can repay I gladly will.

Also, I will update on any big events, such as when the D is finalised.

Edit to change "The new, improved post-A me" to "improving". An still a work in progress.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:48 AM, August 21st (Monday)]

5454real posted 8/14/2017 11:23 AM

For her it is still stage one.

Aaaaand? My friend, it is more than letting go of the outcome. You need to DETACH. The only connection that is *safe* for you to maintain is through the children.
It appears that you have already accepted a sense of *guilt* and/or responsibility for her new status.
“I know that you know, that even in just the present, this loneliness is crushing me. The thought that it will be my future will be more than I can bear. I know you. You are the kindest, most caring man in the world. You have never been able to stand by and watch as someone hurts. Your humanity will not allow you to watch me have to endure this hurt for the rest of my life. End it now, you can.”

She knows you quite well, doesn't she. You don't need to give her time. That would be wasted. Let her proceed down the fork in the road that she willingly, heck enthusiastically, chose in spite of knowing the damage she would cause. Where you are today is the direct result of her choices.

You sir, are doing quite well with your response to this situation outside of that. Please continue with your personal growth as well as tending to the growth of your children. As you stated, let go of the outcome. Focus on those things within your control. Maybe, at some point, there may come a time where your WW's well being is a concern to you, but that time is far, FAR into the future. She has some intense digging to do to find out just why she was able to so effortlessly abrogate her marital vows and maternal responsibility.
From the outside, she is regretting her decision. She is NOT remorseful. It appears to remain all about her. She continues to try to manipulate you. With continued contact, I am afraid she may find a way to succeed.

N/C

Strength

Texashunter41 posted 8/14/2017 11:26 AM

First let me thanks for reaching out to me. it has been helpful to me on dark days to hear from someone. but to you post:


On to OBS. Yes, OBS and I are still in contact.

Me and the OBS have also been in contact,we did almost every day for the forst 6 to 7 months but now maybe once every 1 to 2 weeks..She said he is already over it al..which I knew he would as my WW was just his toy and knew she enjoyed being a AKA Street walker for him. He still lies about it all to her and ive tried explaining it to her but I think she rather believe the lies vs the reality..but what can you do..

No, there is no justice or fairness for the BS in infidelity. It is my view that our only chance at any sort of justice from all of this is getting to the place where we build our new lives to be happier than the ones we had pre A.

I know there will be not justice.. The OBS once talked about her and I ending up hookingup for awhile and do more than they did. Spend a couple of years doing it and then quit..Rub their nose in it and laugh for a bit as they get a taste of their own medicine. As great as it would be Id rather physically harm him and be done with it all..But that's the old me that wants to come out. And that person is very dangerous I have to fight with daily. He is so much easier to deal with than just fighting..But I fight for my kids..Harder to love and hug them in prison. Some times I wish I did have an affair just to get my break from reality and then just get it out of my system and come back home and restart. but that's another fight all together.


What I do know is that she seems to be doing well in terms of turning her back on alcohol. I do have a bit of a concern though. She is going to IC 3 times a week. I am told she has become very active with AA. Has apparently become passionately involved with some charity work. The way that it has been explained to me, I see that she is tackling these as possibly the addiction that she is replacing alcohol with. Another possibility is that it is another attempt of hers to stage manage some sort of R with me. I suppose it might just be an honest attempt to become a new and better her. Hope so.

Sounds like she is really trying to turn herself around which is a good thing for her.

Apart from the expected messages relating to finances or arrangements for DS visits, I still get the 3 messages every day. These are of some concern to me. Either, they indicate some emotional imbalance or, more likely, they indicate that she still thinks she is able to manage and manipulate me. To be honest, they do upset me.

This morning’s read “Good morning my love. I know you know that you are the only man I have ever loved. The day has dawned bright. I pray that this is a sign that today is the day that you will recognise just how much you still love me and open your heart to me once again. Let’s rebuild the magic we had”.

In the one of yesterday evening, she gave a long list of all the classical love tragedies and then wrote how she knows that with each I have felt frustrated that such intense, passionate love now goes unrequited for eternity, (that is true) ending with “now you have a real life, passionate tale of true love where you are in complete control of how the story ends. On this one, just one decision by you, and we all live happily ever after”.

The one late last night was, “I know that you know, that even in just the present, this loneliness is crushing me. The thought that it will be my future will be more than I can bear. I know you. You are the kindest, most caring man in the world. You have never been able to stand by and watch as someone hurts. Your humanity will not allow you to watch me have to endure this hurt for the rest of my life. End it now, you can.”

How do you feel about this things? Do you feel that maybe one day if things become different that maybe there would be enough change that you might see some feelings come back? Like a total reboot and see this person you once feel in love with again and may entertain the idea of something?


DD still refuses to have any contact with WW at all. I am not pushing it as yet. I am hoping that as she sees me soften towards WW, she will begin the same journey. As several lf you pointed out. It is not realy my job to do. Also, I have to realise that I am now well over a year out. For her it is still stage one. As you also pointed out. Everything that I felt, loss of trust, self-blame, abandonment, etc. she will be feeling. I must give her time. I also need to let go of the outcome.

Cant blame her, my oldest tries to treat my WW the same but we have talks about things about once a week about things and he still resents her and hates her for what she has done to us and our family..poor guy had his life stolen from him because of her ducked up needs..brings tears to my eyes when I listen to him talk.

STBXWW is not yet in the townhouse but things are a little better. She is staying with one of 2BF for 3 nights a week. I was hoping to try and help to get her in as soon as possible. I think that once she can puts roots down, she will be able to begin to build a new future for herself. I made an offer to the current tenatns that they would not have to pay any rent for August if they were able to move out earlier than the end of the month. I was hoping that that might mean she would be able to move in on say the 19th. Well they accepted the offer and will be out so that she can move in on the26th. Not quite what I had hopped for but at least it is something

You are a better man than me, should I walk away I would do nothing for her..not one thing.

She has asked if I would be willing to come over on the Sunday and help to unpack boxes and hang pictures. I think I am going to decline. I just don’t think I am there yet. Please don’t judge me on this.

I would never judge you that for sure..We all have a certain amount of grounds we plant ourself onto. I think for me I would be courious of what it would be like. To do it and see what she would be like..Fake or real..Id do it knowing I could walk out at any time. but that's me..

There is one more thing that I am just dying to share. As mentioned, I took 2PP to a game lodge the weekend prior to the one just past. Maybe I need to share a little about our game lodge experience. STBXWW and I have been going to the lodge, every year, regularly, for over 20 years. In that time we have had 3 hyena sightings. You all know the significance that the hyena and the lion has for me. One of the previous hyena sightings was quite good, with him walking across some open ground, but the others were him hiding in the shadows, obscured by bushes. On this trip the hyena walked across the road, not more than 15 meters in front of the car. Well, on last weekend’s trip we did not get to see any lions, but we did get to enjoy the most magnificent encounter with the other big cat included in Africa’s Big 5, the leopard. In our more than 20 years of visiting the lodge we have only had 5 leopard sightings. These have usually been just a tail dangling from a tree, a flick of an ear or only seen through a pair of good binoculars. Well, on the same game drive on which we were treated to the hyena, a leopard emerged, not more than 5 meters in front of the car. He stopped in the middle of the road, right in front of the car. Looked directly at me as if to say “this is my domain. I will allow you into it as long as you show the necessary respect. Stay an appropriate distacne, and then proceeded to walk down the road for maybe one and a half kilometres, directly in front of the car. Incredible. On top of this, there were several other sightings of other species that were also the best ever. 2PP are convinced that this was nature saying to the OhFor family. “We know you have had some tough times recently, we feel for you, and are going to do something a little special, to see if we can help brighten the world for you”. I promise, I am not making any of this up. I have the photo evidence. As soon as I figure out how to get the dam things to display (I have registered a photo bucket account and followed all the instructions but still just can’t get it). I will share them.

Sounds amazing, as I get ready for hunting season here I look forward to seeing the animals. I hunt for food only and select what I harvest. The rest of the time I enjoy watching the animals and see them doing their thing. Wild turkeys, wild hogs, bobcats, rabbits, deer etc.. Just to observe them living their everyday life. Gives me time to reflect. My Zen moments..Yes I do take some for food but its done with the most respect and I appreciate them.


Also, I will update on any big events, such as when the D is finalised.

I'm glad to hear your in a better place. I can only hope one day my mind will open up and I can get there as well. Best wishes to you

josiep posted 8/14/2017 12:54 PM

So glad to hear your update, Oh. Lots of good things in store for you and your kids and I'm very, very happy for all of you!

Let's stay in touch.

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