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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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MidnightRun posted 8/14/2017 13:00 PM

I was thinking about you just the other day, and I'm glad you and the kids are doing well.

Your stbxww is resorting to well-trod tactics used by waywards desperate for R. In your case, she's playing to your intellect in hopes of triggering an emotional response.

Yours--as is ours--is a tale of real-life pain and angst. Besides, no Greek character had a snog in an airport toilet.

Continue NC except for issues related to children and divorce. Eventually, she'll see the light and move on.

Again, so happy all is well. You are a hero to so many.

And, for me, hyenas and lions will forever be viewed in a different context.

All the very best.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:21 PM, August 14th (Monday)]

Odonna posted 8/14/2017 14:20 PM

O4 - thanks for tying up the loose ends and also providing a couple new chapters.

Whatever you do, avoid STBXW. Do NOT help her nest. And if you can stop even reading her thrice-daily fantastical missives. Women of great beauty learn early how to manipulate men, and right now she is in try-outs for the Olympiad. You are right not to respond and try not to even read.

Best to you and I wish you more happy hobbies and adventures with 2PP.!

ohforanewme posted 8/18/2017 09:44 AM

This post is for my friend TH after his post above

Hi TH, I am hoping that these might distract your mind from any awful thoughts you may be having while waiting for hunting season to begin. I hope that your hunting efforts are rewarded with specimens as majestic as these. We spotted these on our drive, just after coming across the hyena and just moments before we encountered the leopard. Unfortunately they are a little dark. It was late afternoon and the sun was setting just behind the hill behind them which meant that the cell phone camera struggled a little. Really hope that they show up at least well enough for you to see them.

I know that I promised to post some photos of the hyena and the leopard once I managed but they are in a thread in D/S and I am hesitant to insert here again. Don’t want to make this thread too long.

You are welcome to visit there if you would like.

Thanks again to some tireless and patient help from HardenMyHeart the pics are now displaying.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:58 AM, August 21st (Monday)]

twisted posted 8/18/2017 13:06 PM

You are doing so well Oh!

she gave a long list of all the classical love tragedies

I seem to remember Romeo and Juliet not ending well.......just keep that in mind.

She has asked if I would be willing to come over on the Sunday and help to unpack boxes and hang pictures.

Bad idea. She sounds like she's off her rocker, you don't need to open that Pandora's box again. With some people, being nice and helpful is an invitation to use and manipulate. She is one of those people. You aren't qualified to fix her, she needs professional help.

Stevesn posted 8/18/2017 13:22 PM

Ohfor

Thanks for your last update. As expected you and your DS and DD are doing quite well.

I'm waiting for pictures of the joint project speeding down the road some time down the line.

Glad the paperwork will all be complete in a few weeks. It will be great to have that behind you.

As for STBXW I'm glad she'll be in her own place soon and be able to start rebuilding her life. Also glad to hear she's started to work on her deamons.

However disturbing to hear you are getting such Outlandish texts from her. I hope she can work on that in IC. Focusing on herself should be the priority for her right now, working through her own issues.

The daily pleas are not the way back into a BHs or STBXH's heart. Sounds like she has years of therapy to go to get into a frame of mind where she can really function socially in Society. I wish her luck.

Keep up the good work my friend. You are in such a better place than 12 months ago.

Dismayed2012 posted 8/18/2017 14:08 PM

Thanks for the update 'Ohfor'.

It sounds like she, like so many wayward's, has found 'religion'. She's volunteering and talking platitudes to convince herself and you that she's a better person and in a better place now. I suspect however that when she's alone, she's still that dark person that she was before. Only time will tell if her 'conversion' is real or not. I don't want to seem like a downer but statistics are against her. She might end up being an anomaly but I wouldn't get my hopes up that she's changed.

On a brighter note, it's great that you and your kids are doing well. You've done practically everything right given your situation. You guys have a great future ahead of you. I'm really happy for you. Take care of yourself.

Used2bhappy10 posted 8/25/2017 07:22 AM

OFNM it is fabulous to read your updates.

As for your STBXWW I would recommend you start to think more long and hard on extra boundaries and walls to protect yourself and your children.

The messages that you will accept from her can have to do with finances and children, and no longer about her feelings for you, as they do not help you in your healing. Tell her you will block her cell number permanently unless he stops that.

It's NOW about YOU and what YOU need.

It's not about her anymore!

steadychevy posted 8/26/2017 18:44 PM

Way back on the 2nd page you mentioned that your are an INTP (Architect), ohfor. It doesn't matter now but was wondering if you knew which category your STBXW fit into.

These character assessments can be quite telling, IMO. I'm an ISTJ (Inspector). However, I'm so far out as an Inspector there's no balance. I'm an I over E by 10 to 0; an S over N by 20 to 0; a T over F by 18 to 2; and a J over P by 19 to 1. My WW is an ESFP although the ESFJ is close.

I think the characteristics of the ESFP explain a lot about my WW. I know the ISTJ explain me more than is comfortable. With my WW the her characteristics coupled with physical and emotional abandonment (no parenting to speak of), eye surgery and tonsillectomy using ether, CSA, rape and lots of negative FOO contributes to her adulteries and inability to R. She would willingly rugsweep and just move on.

Just wondering if you had taken a look at your relationship from that angle.

ohforanewme posted 8/28/2017 06:59 AM


STBXWW is comfortably ensconced in the townhouse. As I understand it form DS, it is already looking like a warm and welcoming home.

The movers did their thing of Saturday and yesterday was unpacking, and those little touches that make it a home. I declined the request to help out yesterday. To me, the risk of her trying to turn it into a “young couple moving into their 1st apartment, with much fliting, eventually ending up on the rug” episode was just too great. Instead I asked my 3 best friends (all husbands of her best friends) if they would step in for me and take care of the things needing a man’s hand. They happily agreed.

DS said he would be willing to help and DD thought that she might want to, but after a small incident as we arrived, she no longer wanted to stay. Dad and DD then drove to the restaurant in the estate for a cake and coffee moment. After this DD and I went for a walk in the estate.

In a thread in “general” I had been accused of expecting WW to just roll over “and being happy with whatever scraps she was offered”. Just in case there are any others that feel that way, let me share a little about where STBXWW is living, all bond free.

The estate has a plethora of fountains and water features. Pebbled pathways. There are sculptured hedges and manicured lawns. In almost every beautiful and shady spot there is a well-positioned “antique” concrete bench. The estate is awash with flower beds, dedicated to in-bloom annuals, which are replenished well before they wilt. Currently these are filled with vibrant red and orange poppies. There are nooks and alleyways, and Romeo and Juliet balconies. 3 clubhouses, each with a pool. An upmarket Italian restaurant that also delivers to the door. A gym, a spa, a hairdresser and a beauty salon.

This is that future that she stole from me. This is where we were going to grow old together. Where, having earned the right to leave the busyness of life behind, we would be able to sleep in just a little every day. Where we could linger a little longer in bed. Just two aging, but still elegant bodies, given a little more vigour, simply by the warmth of close proximity. Where I would bring her a breakfast tray of poached eggs and potato rosti, orange juice and frothy black coffee. In a vase on the tray, a single rose, cheekily stolen from the estate garden. Where we would spend whole days on one of those benches, me reading, her writing. Where we would get to watch the grandchildren playing on the swings in the park. Where I would lie on the trampoline with DD jnr, spotting cloud shapes in the sky. Yes, Sunday morning was an all too graphic a reality of the future that was brutally wrenched from me.

Fortunately for us the day improved a little. DD was invited to go to see a movie with a friend of hers who I have been assisting on another matter. Before they left for the movies I got to introduce DD to a recently made acquaintance, with whom I then got to enjoy a lingering lunch. Let’s just call her MMS for now. MMS sees why I am such proud dad. MMS listened to my rant about my stolen future, teased me ruthlessly about my schoolboy crush and gave sound advice on other issues that she understands are challenges for single parents.

One future might have been stolen, but we will just craft another.

And for all of you who’s “rebound relationship” alarms are going off right now, I think that there is fair certainty that there is no relationship chemistry here. For now I think it is just jolly good, warm friendship.

Steadychevy, I have pondered a little on your question regarding STBXWW’s personality type. I don’t know what it would be in terms of Myers Briggs. Never seen a result but I do know that we were complimentary personalities. Her extrovert, me not. Me analytical, her, spontaneous. My first thoughts were, “whatever her profile, I am certain that there would be a million wives who share the profile and did not choose to cheat”. I then recognised that thinking it through a little more might help me get closer to a why. I am doing a little more digging on that. When I get to the point where I am able to have a conversation with her sometime, I will definitely pursue that a little more. Thanks for the thought.

Used2bhappy and Odonna, I am trying my best not to read the trice daily missives. Stumble once in a while and then hate myself for it. Getting better at it. Not yet perfect. Will get there. I now know that they are nothing more than part of a carefully crafted marketing plan. Any of you in marketing will recognise it. Using all media threads to build a picture that you want your target to believe. Setting a theme and then constantly building on it. She has never not succeeded in a campaign. I must be driving her nuts.

Hopefully the next update will be when the D is final. Getting so much great support from the good folk in D/S.

RomanticInnocenc posted 8/28/2017 20:18 PM

Ohfor,

I hope you are giving yourself the opportunity to grieve that lost future if and when you need to. It was obviously one of your future dreams and a beautiful one at that. To have it taken away by the person you most wanted to share that with is truly horrible, no matter your strength to put yourself and kids before her selfishness.

As for her daily missives, even if they are what she feels to be genuine feelings and thoughts, they are still incredibly selfish. They are all about her, the gall of trying to guilt you about not wanting to see her in pain and that she knows you still love her. Talk about sickening. Healthy people don't talk like that.

kbella posted 8/29/2017 00:14 AM

wow. normally don't come to the JFO forum because I end up crying and feeling so sorrowful for everything we as BS go through. that being said, ohforanewme's extensive comments and responses caught my eye and I read this entire thread. fascinating. ohforanewme, what a strong spirit you have! proud of you and very happy for you and your dear children. was wondering what part of south Africa you are in. my sister, her husband and their children live in Lilongwe. proud of you and the very classy, thoughtful manner in which you have handled all of this nightmare!

ohforanewme posted 8/29/2017 02:50 AM

Hi Kbella

Thank you for your kind words.

I have several friends with IRL names very similar to your screen name, just with an a after the K and ending in an "o" instead of the a. As I understand it, it has a beautiful meaning. (If I got the origin of the name wrong and instead it has Portuguese or other Latin roots, then it is just as beautiful).

Lilongwe is about 1800kM north of home. It is also a special place, just a stone's throw from one of Africa's true gems, Lake Malawi.

I live on the very northern most tip of one of Africa's largest metropoles. Africa's wealthiest city. South of home the leafy suburbs stretch for miles, then becoming high rise apartments and commercial centres. To the north are farm lands and rolling hills. The city is beginning to encroach but I suppose that is progress.

Yes, truly blessed.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 6:27 AM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 8/29/2017 02:50 AM

Oops, double post. Fallen prey to the hazards of hurriedly posting form a cell phone again.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 4:06 AM, August 29th (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 9/12/2017 05:22 AM


The D will be done next week. Just received a message from Atr.

Thought I would feel only jubilation. None of that.

Just sadness and guilt.

I am traveling for business again this week and feeling incredibly lonely having dinner and breakfast alone. Done it a thousand times before and never felt this way.

Maybe it is because I now actually have friends and miss them almost as much as 2PP. Together with crappy, madly expensive WiFi in the particular corner of the globe where I find myself.

Maybe when back home with 2PP it will be better.

Bujinkhal posted 9/12/2017 05:38 AM

And for all of you who’s “rebound relationship” alarms are going off right now, I think that there is fair certainty that there is no relationship chemistry here. For now I think it is just jolly good, warm friendship.

I thought much the same, I'm now married to her. She was an amazing support during my dark days (never posted about it, just read and learned)

My advice on that is, if it feels right don't let proprieties stand in the way. If I had, I wouldn't find myself in the amazing relationship I'm in now.

Stevesn posted 9/12/2017 05:53 AM

Hang in there friend. You've bravely done the right thing here to ensure happiness for you and your children. Maybe even some day for STBXW too.

Take care of yourself.

TimelessLoss posted 9/12/2017 08:55 AM

Just sadness and guilt.
It is easy and true to say you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, you are feeling it. Understand that the feeling is part of the cycle of grief. You are still grieving. And will continue to do so for some time. The thoughts and feelings are a good barometer of your healing. Don't stuff them down. Recognize them for what they represent. They are a good barometer of your healing

MidnightRun posted 9/12/2017 09:59 AM

I'm in marketing, and know your stbxw"s tactics well. Emotional responses is key. Glad you're aware of the tactics.

Happy you're gaining traction in your new life.

The lion roars!

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 5:16 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/12/2017 10:11 AM

I am right behind you. I know the feeling of sadness of what should have been. I am convinced though I will still be having a great life going forward. Just a different one than I had thought.

twisted posted 9/12/2017 10:14 AM

The D will be done next week. Just received a message from Atr.
Thought I would feel only jubilation. None of that.

That is a sign you are normal. Of course there will be some sadness, but it's actually more relief. You are closing a chapter in your life, and not a particular happy one. The good news, and there is good news, is that you are about to start a new adventure. This is not a time to look back, but forward to better times, a lot better!

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