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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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Sharkman posted 6/19/2017 09:30 AM

I have decided that if they are not forthcoming with OBS contact details I have another way of getting them

All you are giving them is time to concoct this story about a "crazy coworker's crazy husband".

Do your research, find out their names and expose them.

I feel that you have made some great decisions to take control of your life back in your hand. Though the primary reason to expose is for ethical reasons, it's cleansing effects are indisputable. Your wife and her boyfriend took your life out of your hands without your permission.

It's like that scene in Lord of the Rings when that big balrog thing was chasing Gandalf and the Fellowship. He whacked down in staff and said YOU SHALL NOT PASS. This is you as definitively as possible saying "CUT THE SHIT, THIS IS MY LIFE".

Your wife is lying to you about not knowing how to find out OBS info. By putting the decision on her and them to expose you are opening yourself to being manipulated. YOU WILL NOT BE MANIPULATED AGAIN. Find out their information using all of the resources at your disposal.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 9:30 AM, June 19th (Monday)]

ohforanewme posted 6/19/2017 10:02 AM

Hey Sharkman

Great advice as always. Have just called my buddy at the security BU. I am at the attorneys most of tomorrow. Will get back to me by Wednesday.

Have also decided that I will be the one to call OBS. Had thought that WW should do it as the next step of her facing the reality of what she has done but I think one BS to another might be able to relate better and create a more comfortable space for openness.

Just as an aside. Not making any effort to get in touch with OBS1. If you recall, she made AP1 end it when she discovered. Only purpose of a call to her would be for me to scream at her for not making the effort to contact me. You will appreciate I have not created sufficiently high ground for myself to do that with any conviction.

Also I am sure it will just open old wounds and I know from experience that she will have gone through enough.

PS, absolutely LOVE the dramatisation of what I am feeling. (did I get the insertion of that emoticon right?) See, I have learnt to laugh again!

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 10:12 AM, June 19th (Monday)]

Sharkman posted 6/19/2017 12:42 PM

Yeah it's usually not a good idea to have the wayward do the exposure. Think about it - you're the betrayed on the other end getting a phone call from the actual person who just helped ruin your life. It's all a bit much.

This is you cleaning up this mess. Not only was your life decimated but so was the other OBSes. As a man of high moral constitution it's your drive to make the world right again. This includes the poor, innocent woman who beyond the emotional manipulation that's happening to her now should have it under HER control to decide to get things like STD screened, etc. Particularly with females, certain STDs left unchecked can literally end their lives.

meridian posted 6/19/2017 15:45 PM

It's been a marathon for you, but now it sounds like your on the home straight and ready for a sprint finish! Good luck and stay strong

harrybrown posted 6/19/2017 16:57 PM

Will she tell you what is going on in her IC?

Did she have other A's?

Will she tell the kids that the D is a result of her A's?

And her family and yours so that she does not spin some yarn about you?

Good luck to you and your kids.

Michigan posted 6/19/2017 17:53 PM

Ohforanewme, would you please edit your post? I think more people would read it if you break it up into more paragraphs and separate them more.

UglyBetty posted 6/19/2017 21:28 PM

I just wanted to add my words of support to the rest. A few things stuck out for me:

1) It was initially agreed that neither of you wanted children.
2) Your wife changed her mind.
3) When she misunderstood your response and thought it contrary to her wishes, a big fight ensued.
4) You had children (they are lovely, no doubt :D)
5) Your wife, after achieving what she claimed to want, once again became attracted by the DINK lifestyle.

Of course, I only know a small piece of the story but the above facts tell me your wife is not very mature and is selfish. Having children is a huge decision after 9 years of kid-free life. Not an unexpected one by any means but at that point one should be able to realistically evaluate what one would be giving up and whether it would be worth it. When you didn't immediately agree to this life-changing decision, she fought with you. Upon realising this wish of hers, she promptly became bored with it and tried to find her old lifestyle again. I'm not suggesting that she doesn't love your children but rather that she seems flighty and suffers from "the grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Not a good framework on which to build a reconciliation so it's likely a good thing you are not taking that route.

You're doing wonderfully well despite the hell you seem to have gone through. Good luck and keep us posted!

keptmyword posted 6/20/2017 14:02 PM

I shared my hopes, dreams and fears with her I made myself vulnerable to her and what did she do with it? She used it to deceive me and murder my marriage.

My XWW did the same thing.

That was one of the most stunning and most difficult aspects to get a grasp of after I found out.

She specifically used the 100% unquestioned trust I had in her as her main tool to deceive, betray, and ultimately destroy her marriage, her family, her integrity, her dignity, and our children's greatest desire to have their family together.

The betrayal of trust is THE greatest of all sins, wrongs, and transgressions.

If there is an after-life place called Hell, then the deepest, most hideously torturous bowels of it are reserved for those who willfully betray the trust vowed to them.

I know the torture you have been going through, although I actually endured it before D-day.

When my XWW dove into the cesspool of her affair, her demeanor towards me changed and she began a process of demonization that still stuns me four years after divorcing her.

That period of time from when she started treating me like I was thee most awful person on earth until D-day was something that is hard to wrap ones mind around.

The more she elevated her adultery guy to god-like status, the more she needed to bash me down to being the devil incarnate.

When I discovered it, by finding a "love" letter she left on our computer describing him in the most ridiculously deified worship I've ever read, three things instantly came to mind:

1- This explains EVERYTHING about how she has been acting for the last year and a half.

2- There is no going back - I AM divorcing this woman.

3- How could she do this to our young children - they absolutely loved their family.

Her "legendary" love for her adultery partner was just fantasy wrapping covering the fact that she was trading sex and blowjobs for cheap compliments from a low-as-fuck POS.

I cannot fathom the embarrassment she must fight to keep it hidden deep inside mingling with all her other psychological issues.

The most liberating feeling I think I have ever felt was the day I filed for divorce.

As far as telling her?

I didn't. 😃

I told my attorney to file the divorce petition, don't bother having her served because I don't give a shit about how she finds out, and she'll eventually find out.

When she finally found out, I then got the phone calls wanting to reconcile but reconciliation was not in my universe.

My XWW was similar to yours in that she never shed a tear about the mind-bending pain and fear she caused me, our respective families, and most of all, our children.

Nothing.

To this day she will not let go of her self-induced need to blame me, the marriage, or anything else that is not HER many deep seeded issues.

But, that's her problem - it was never mine.

I commend you for taking charge of your life and liberating yourself of this tortured existence of trying to live with your STBXWW's problems.

You'll be just fine.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 2:11 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

Chappie posted 6/20/2017 14:52 PM

How did you find out OM1 dumped your wife because his wife found out? If this info came from your wife alone it is very suspect. As a matter of fact, since it is a common wayward lie, I would expect it to be false. Even if she believes it.

ohforanewme posted 6/21/2017 00:56 AM

Good morning world
Firstly, burncm, Dismayed and keptmyword

Thank you so much for your posts. I need them. I have found such help at SI that I dearly want to now pay back and contribute to other’s threads but I am finding that I am having to hold myself back. The absolute sense of release and freeing myself from the constant pain of earlier, that I have felt since my decision, easily equates to the heady feeling that I felt that day that I drove her to a lakeside park, on the back of my motor cycle, sat her on a bench and asked her if she would be mine.

I read through all these other threads and see poor souls, both BS and WS going through such torment and torture and so many asking, “when will it end?”, and I want to post in bold, large font CAPS “when you set yourself free”. But then I think that if all of these, seemingly the vast majority, see R as of such value that they are prepared to endure this torment for 5 years or longer, is there something I am missing? Have I not seen what a wonderful thing R can be and the self-doubt begins to set in. It is through posts such as yours that I realise that perfectly rational, confident and intelligent folk, who do have the capacity for deep love, have experienced what I have and that it is not necessarily settling for the 2nd best option or accepting that you are a mean hearted bastard, just unable or unwilling to forgive.

Ok, so I won’t become a missionary for D on SI just yet but when a fellow BS makes the decision I will post with the support that they need to let them know that some good, open, honest souls, with great capacity for love have found joyous release through that decision.

Dear UglyBetty (love the name, now wish I could have come up with some sort of male equivalent for myself)

Thanks for your insights. I am beginning to see that my relationship was in reality very different to how I had experienced it. The more that is shared with me the more I begin to see my relationship for what it was and begin to understand myself a bit more. I am recognising that I have typical BS Syndrome.

I believe that when you give your heart it is given, without reservation, in its totality.
I believe when you make a promise you are supposed to keep it. For ever.
I have a strong internal locus of control and hold myself responsible for the actions I decide to take.
I have no capacity to come up with lame one liners that I use to mask my innate, naked selfishness.
I believe that because I am trustworthy, others are too.
I believe that it wrong to use the trust given by others for my own selfish cause.

I am beginning to expand the symptoms of this syndrome. Am also beginning to identify the symptoms for WS Syndrome. Quite scary how recognisable these conditions are once you have experience of them. Have been considering starting two separate threads in General to get people to help me compile a full list of symptoms for each. Would be a great contribution to medical science and very valuable to those newly in love to filter out those suitors who have the potential to cause so much pain.

Chappie

You veterans must get so frustrated with us “Newbies” and our stupid, blind naiveté. I read the posts of all the new members and I see them given good advice by the wizened elders and then they make every effort to come up with reasons why their situation is so different. How although he or she has proven themselves to be nothing but deceitful lying *****s (insert whatever expletive works for you), over extended periods, now that we have looked them in the eye and they have told us something, now they are telling the truth. I think that the thread of Bretrayedbks99, about 4 or 5 pages in on the Just Found Out forum, should be mandatory reading for all newbies. It shows the torturous journey of a BS, who loved so purely that they could just not believe that this was not reciprocated, until everything is played out and the wisdom shared by the caring SI elders, in the very first responses, that the BS took offense to and felt attacked by, “my wife is not what you all think she is, she is merely and angel who made a small, innocuous mistake, after being attacked by a wily demon” were all so spot on.

So yes, my only basis for believing the OBS discovered the A is what I was told by a proven lying liar who lies. Starting to do the homework to get OBS1 contact details right away!

And now, I am going to do a separate post on something that has lifted my spirits high again. Going to keep it separate so that it does not lose its impact. Hope that wet your appetite.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:33 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

ohforanewme posted 6/21/2017 01:05 AM

So dear BS community,

I think we have some good news. Don’t want to be overly confident but, I think it is in fact, bloody good news.

Spent all of yesterday, till late into the evening at Attorney’s office. We worked through compiling comprehensive evidence packs, dealing with all financial aspects, drafting the settlement proposal that, together with the filling papers, will be presented to her at the meeting where I inform her of my decision to D.

Firstly the best news!

It is an almost certainty that I will get principal custody. As you know, there are no guarantees in law but my attorney (I keep wanting to refer to him by name so from here on out will just call him Atr) says that if he ever needed to give a guarantee it would be on this one. Over an extended number of years, for multiple weeks a year I have shown myself to be a “competent and caring” parent, capable of caring for the children on my own. WW has no evidence of any ability in this regard. There is in fact, hard evidence of her repeatedly placing the interests of the family second to her own selfish wants and those of the AP.

Then, the fact that she moved out when we separated soon after D Day indicates that she acknowledged that the family home is my primary residence and that she accepted that if separation were to take place I would be entitled to stay on in the family home and she would need to seek alternative accommodation. (This is just further confirmation of the absolute need for a BS to make seeing an attorney straight after D Day a priority, to get advice on how to move forward, even if the objective is R. If I had been the one to move out, it would have worked against me).

It will be in the children’s best interests to be allowed to stay on in the primary family residence as it would allow their lives to continue with the least disruption. (Access to school, participation in extra mural activities and maintenance of social circle).

I am well placed to ensure long term financial stability. WW has a good job but I make 5 times more than she does.

Atr believes that my case is so strong that I would have a good chance of securing sole custody with only supervised visits if I wanted to but I don’t want that. It would increase the risk. Her attorney would almost certainly advise contesting the settlement. Also I think that it would not be in the best interests of the children.

The courts now also place a heavy reliance on the wishes of the children, but given the above, I believe I have a good idea of what their wishes will be.

Then to the almost as good news.

About two thirds of my wealth is housed in a trust. I cannot give any details but, the structure of the trust and composition of the trustees has allowed us to take action yesterday to secure these assets for myself and my children. They cannot be factored into the joint estate, so all that can be discussed in terms of settlement are the remaining assets.

There are some ironies here. After FIL died, I had to look after MIL’s estate and dealt with all of her financial matters. They were not well off and did not have a lot but it was still a nightmare dealing with the issues. Everything had been registered in FIL’s name and only he had a bank account. MIL had no access to any money, could not establish a credit record and for nearly 18 months depended solely on us.

I never wanted my beloved to be in such a vulnerable position in the event of my death so we immediately began accumulating assets in WW’s name. We created a healthy stock portfolio for her, supplemented her retirement fund through additional top up funding, opened a sizeable money trader fund in her name and over the past 3 years have bought 2 lovely Townhouse Condos in beautify garden estates, registered in her name. Last year February we bought and registered a large SUV in her name. (It was a particular challenge to get FIL’s vehicle ownership transferred into MIL’s name).

The value of the Townhouses together equate to about 75% of the value of the principal family home. One is only a few kilometres from our home and would allow WW to move there without any form of hardship. Grans place is fully stocked with furniture, relatively new appliances, linen, crockery etc. These would allow the Townhouse to be comfortably equipped.

I made it very clear to Atr that I want to get this done asap. He advised that my best approach then is to offer a blatantly fair and reasonable settlement.

The settlement proposal is then that she gets to keep the properties registered in her name. Keeps her car, which is the most valuable and newest in the family. Gets all of the furnishings, etc, from Gran’s place and can keep all investments currently in her name. I will then top up the value of the investments in her name to the point that they equate to a value of 75% of the investment in the joint estate that are in my name. While this does not equate to the 50% split contemplated in the ANC, since the advent of democracy the courts have been allowed, and have taken, a far more interpretive approach to the law, with the guiding principal being fairness. The court will recognise that the only way to arrive at an exact 50/50 split would be to effectively liquidate all assets and covert them all into cash. The value destruction of such a process would easily result in a 25% reduction in value of the assets so that WW would be no better off that with the proposed settlement, only I would be worse off. The fact that her positon would not be altered by such an action means that a deviation from the proposed settlement would not be fairer to her. It would also represent massive value destruction of the children potential future inheritance and the children’s interests are now considered as most important by the divorce courts.

Also, I will not ask for any contribution for the living expenses for the children and that alone substantially closes the gap.

The lease for the nicest Townhouse, which is also the one closest to home, expires at the end of August and so WW can move in, with everything needed from Gran’s place, as soon as those tenants move out. Another irony, we bought that Townhouse as our long term retirement plan. It is lovely, would demand less upkeep but allow us to maintain our standard of living. So now we don’t get to grow old together in it. She is just going to grow lonely in it.

As I said, everything is drafted for me to present to her during the D discussion.

Atr has given me the contact details of the 3 other best divorce attorneys in town and said that I should give them to her. I must encourage her to get references for them from anyone she wants. They will come highly recommended by anyone she asks. Might seem like a strange approach but Atr says that they have so much experience in these matters that they will instantly recognise the settlement as fair, and unlikely to be changed by a court. They have busy practices and would far rather take on cases that have a better chance of success. They will advise her to accept.

As an aside, I will not have to take on any role as her meal ticket. She has a well-paying job and has just demonstrated how easy it is for her to find another if she were ever to lose the current job.

So, it all seems sorted then. Here’s to hoping

Sharkman posted 6/21/2017 06:57 AM

You seem to be doing great!

DECISIVENESS IS KEY!!!

Sharkman posted 6/21/2017 06:58 AM

PS: have you exposed yet? Re-reading our account imagine how different life will have been had you heard from the OBS of AP1 when she found out?

Mrhealed posted 6/21/2017 07:22 AM

Ohforanewme,

Your last post is great news!!!!

IMHO, your situation is way better than must people at SI.

What got me thinking is one thing that you mentioned regarding your other Townhouse “She is going to grow lonely in it”. I am sorry but your WW has proved that she is more than capable to get herself into a relationship in a blink of an eye, in fact she has proven that her Affairs were not because she fell for an OM, when OM dumped her she found another OM. She was looking forward to have someone in the side without giving a shit about the Moral quality of this persons or the destruction they may create, in a nut shell, she has proven to have a really bad taste in partners.

In one hand the one that cares and gives everything for her and her family (you) were 100% disposable for her, in the other hand, the Married OM that didn’t give a fuck about destroying her family and theirs, were prioritized over her husband (you) and her kids.

IMO you should include in the D agreement rules on how to introduce new partners to your kids.

Another thing, you should also be very careful on how you tell your wife… IMO you really don’t know her so you don’t know how she is going to react to the D news. Also, putting your kid’s best interest, you need to have a healthy parenting relation with her, at least civil. IMO the best way is just be business like, not vindictive or angry, also not looking relive or excited about the D as she may get angry. Maybe is a good idea to get her some support when you tell her about D as she may need it. Maybe some friend or relative that know about the whole thing. Last thing you need is her getting suicidal and everybody judging you (this is not about what others think but what others may tell your kids)

Good luck

ohforanewme posted 6/21/2017 07:34 AM

The day just keeps getting better.

WW has just received a response from previous employer wrt her confession and accusation email.

The company has pointed out to her that her action was a very serious, and conscious, breach of the well documented and clearly articulated company code of conduct. It is covered extensively in induction training and reinforced at annual performance appraisal sessions. They have documentary proof of her acknowledging that she was aware of and understood this aspect of the code of conduct.

One of the company’s core brand messages is family values and she, in her positions, should have known better. Her action had the potential to directly damage the company brand.

Further, even though she resigned and confessed voluntarily, there are sanctions that the company had the right to apply retrospectively. Given her taking action to self-discipline and the voluntary confession the company has decided to show leniency, will not take any further action and has given her a letter of formal indemnification from any further action.

In return for this action on the part of the company they have requested that WW take part in a Video conference disciplinary procedure mid-afternoon on next Monday and appear as a witness in the disciplinary case against AP2. (Mid-afternoon SA time, early afternoon UK time and mid-morning in the part of Canada where AP2s office is)

WW has agreed to participate as a witness. She is not sure if the company would allow me to sit in but has asked if I would like to come along if allowed. She took me a bit by surprise with this offer and can’t decide right now.

Just imagine if the slime ball is dismissed with immediate effect. I am playing a video, on constant repeat in my head, of him being marched to his desk by security with a little cardboard box, packing in all his little things, including the framed photo of his wife and kids, the little kitsch hockey puck paper weight, and the chipped coffee mug. All activity in the office then grinding to a halt as every eye is on him as he is marched from his desk in the far corner of the open plan office, through the maze of spaces between the desks, to the door.

Why am I enjoying this video so much? I am not supposed to be that guy! I was not looking for revenge. BUT oh this feels so GOOOOOD!

ohforanewme posted 6/21/2017 07:40 AM

Hi Sharkman

The security BU head is coming to see me late this afternoon with the contact info I have asked them to try and get for me.

Given the ex-employers disciplinary process now underway the urgency for this has increased.

MrHealed

Thanks for the suggestion about a including something about how she introduces new partners to the kids. Had never thought of it. Would never want a teenage DD to be in the house overnight with the caliber of man she seems to go for.

I have arranged with the psychiatrist that cared for me to fit her in at short notice if needed.

Am also considering setting it up that her 2 closest friends will be available to be with her all of the day after our "discussion". Not sure about the logistics of that yet but I am certain that I will come up with something.

twisted posted 6/21/2017 08:26 AM

Congradulations, ohforamewme!
It sounds like karma, ( and hard work) has shown you a new path to sun light.
I hope it all goes in your and the kids favor.

Sharkman posted 6/21/2017 08:28 AM

I wish that I could take a blood transfusion from you and sit down any new betrayeds who come here looking for help, and jam them full of a full vial of this decisive blood of yours.

Trtroles posted 6/21/2017 08:48 AM

What a nice update. I am really happy for you. First thing I did today was to log in and check for any updates from you.
Dont be at the video conference. Some things your wife is going to say could hurt you and she wants you there for support not because she is remorseful and sorry.
Dont be surprised when your "ex" wife jump to another relationship once she gets served. She had no problem finding another men while being married and keep it for a long,long time.
Best wishes to you.

otter posted 6/21/2017 09:48 AM

You are managing this as well as possible.
I command you on looking at the long-term and not trying to punish your WW via the settlement. It not only gets you to where you want faster, but it will also help your kids in the long-term by minimizing the toxicity that can be created between you and your soon to be ex. Lastly, your kids will see that despite your WW betraying you, you understand that this person is their mother and that person being o.k. is important to them.

As for considering R, I decided on that route (and it was incredibly hard, torturous, and exhausting). But I did that because of two things. The first was from the minute my long-term partner began cheating he also distanced himself emotionally and physically. So it became more of a situation where he didn't want to address issues, found a replacement, then didn't have the guts to tell me. I knew something was wrong, very wrong. If he had been able to maintain what looked like an ordinary healthy relationship for any period of time (much less months or even years), I could of never considered R.

The second was that in reflection I could also see that I had been selfish in the relationship, very selfish (its not an excuse for cheating, but I have to acknowledge it). I came to the realization that I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who treated me and the relationship as I did with him. He played no role in my coming to this conclusion (no one did), and it was after a full month of only seeing myself as the victim.

Your case is entirely different, you are a caring, physically present parent who generously provides for your family (and inlays). Your wife was the selfish one who not only abandoned you for the AP, but also sacrificed time with her children for the AP. In addition she was content in maintaining both relationships and seems to have established a pattern of wanting the occasional outside, exciting option in addition to having the ideal family life. I don't think there is no rationalizing or explaining away this behavior.

Four years out we are doing well. I still have occasional worries and frequently run through a health check of our relationship. But the entire nature of our relationship has changed and I think we have both grown. I'm glad to be where I am, but if you asked me would I do it all over again, the best I can say is that I think I would. The first 2 years were exhausting, so I am not entirely sure. There is no easy path away from this situation. Keep focusing on minimizing the emotional tolls on you and your children. Things will likely get much more bumpy before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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