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We are done! Just contemplating how to tell her.

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leftbroken posted 9/12/2017 12:40 PM

OH, I know its bad form to ask so I hope you will forgive me, but how is the stbxw handling the news the D is almost final?

Have you been able to get to a comfortable place for good co-parenting communication?

Is the relationship with the kids and their mother starting to get better (heal). I hate saying it, it actually sticks in my throat, but it is so important for kids to have a good healthy relationship with both of their parents. It was one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome mentally. I wanted everybody to hate my WW as much as possible but I didn't want my kids scarred in that way and damage them emotionally so it was a catch 22 for me.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 12:40 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

TimelessLoss posted 9/12/2017 12:57 PM


Is this your first trip with your "Deputy Manager" au pair at the helm? That has got to give you satisfaction that your PP are well cared for in your absence.

Absence from family is hard even in the very best of times. You are away from the comfort of home and family when I know you need it most.

Know that we understand.

ohforanewme posted 9/12/2017 14:12 PM

Hi all

I am feeling a little better.

I am so glad to see that the JFO team are still so responsive and supportive. You folk are the best!

This is not a day on which you want to be alone.

This was not something that I anticipated. Atr had given me a rough estimation of when the date might be but I have gotten so busy with work and family and new friends and new roles that I didn't notice how the weeks had passed. His message this morning took me by surprise and transported me back to a world that I had already left behind.

I suppose that the good news is this will now allow me to leave that world behind permanently. Cannot wait.

I again nearly said "you folk just cannot imagine how wonderful I have found that new world to be" Then I again realised that most of you have walked this path and no exactly what I am talking about and even told me that it would be so. I just couldn't even see it as even a possibility at the time.

So, then just for the newbies that might be here, trust the wise pioneers when they tell you. I just couldn't see how it could ever be for me.

As I said, this is not a day to be so isolated. I got in the car and have driven to the capital of the country I am in. Gotten a room in a good hotel. I now have expensive but great WiFi and am just about to spend the rest of the evening chatting to friends and family and speaking out all the emotion.

leftbroken, I am not certain how STBXWW has taken the news. For a number of reasons I have had to avoid as much contact as possible. She is nicely settled in her new place. DS has spent 2 of the 3 Saturdays since she moved in with her. From what I glean from him WW has made some pleasant friends in the place and to his eyes it is a wonderful, friendly community. He is already part of the kids gang. It is a most wonderful place for children.

I nearly got it right for DD to spend the Sunday after the movers delivered her stuff to the Townhouse with WW but WW buggered that one up and set that process back to square one. I am backing off that for now.

And TimelessLoss, yes , this is my first trip with J looking after the kids. You cannot believe the peace of mind that that gives me. After a bit of a false start with the au pair thing I certainly got that one right.

So now let me make J's job a little more difficult by calling my 2PP and distracting them when they should be getting to bed or finishing homework. Am sure she will cut me some slack when she knows why I need to speak to them.

Have already messaged MMS saying that I need an ear and to be ready for a late call.

Enlightenedwife posted 9/12/2017 14:27 PM

Ohfor. I don't have any words of advice but just wanted to reach out and let you know i was thinking about you at this difficult time. You have been a great comfort to a great many included and deserve to be happy. Also with my BC hat on i know what an honourable father you are...your children will know just how much when they are adults and truly understand the whole story. Chin up as we say here. Best wishes x

Suchasadsack posted 9/12/2017 16:32 PM

Hi Ohfor,

I understand how you are feeling. Of course there are these type of feelings, even with how far you have come. You are human.
I reread your initial post. You posted just one day before my DDay. Your post was one of the first I read on SI. Look how much you have accomplished.
I have been crying on and off for two days now. I probably will post about it. I know that the SI family, including you will help me through. You, I believe, were one of the first to respond to my original post. I thank you for that.
Most importantly, for what it is worth, I am proud of you. This damn day too, shall pass.

Sara88 posted 9/12/2017 16:37 PM

I am sorry

hisloss posted 9/12/2017 20:24 PM

Ohfor...I have been following your thread from the beginning and you have been an awesome rock for a lot of people here.

I just wanted to let you know even though I was the one who filed for my divorce, I thought I would feel jubilation when it was final. Even though I knew that it was going to be done one day, and I was looking forward to it, when I got the email from the mediator telling me that it was final, I still had a kick in the gut feeling.

That only lasted for about a day or two when I flipped into a kick ass, I can't wait to get started on my new life mood. I have been creating some great memories with the grandkids and I hope that someday when they have kids, they will tell them stories about some of the things they did with Grandma.

Wishing you peace as you move forward with your life.

ohforanewme posted 9/21/2017 03:35 AM

The D is done!

earthangel posted 9/21/2017 04:20 AM

A difficult but necessary step on the journey out of infidelity and towards your new life (((ohfor)))

arbuom posted 9/21/2017 04:42 AM

I'm traveling the same road you took, Ohfor.

We have all suffered enough, and this signals your freedom. You are completely out of infidelity now.

Thank you for all that you have done for SI.

twisted posted 9/21/2017 09:24 AM

Good for you Oh!
A new adventure awaits!

MidnightRun posted 9/21/2017 09:52 AM

I salute you.

Your ordeal and triumph will be an inspiration for thousands to come.

The lion surveys the savanna--and roars!

Sanibelredfish posted 9/21/2017 10:38 AM

This can serve as an official milestone for you, but in reality you've already moved on (as you should). Good luck on your next chapter!

CharliB posted 9/21/2017 11:03 AM

I have been following your journey too, from the start. I feel a little envious of you, as my D won't be done for a while. I am waiting for dust to settle from stbxh bankruptcy. He is being a real ass about it. He is also moving this coming week, so I am trying to help the kids through the trauma of moving from family home. I am struggling with this too as it is another milestone in the death of my marriage. I can't wait till it is over. I feel like I will be jubilant when D is final but in reality, I might not. This whole process has had so many ups and downs and so much of it is unpredictable.
((((OhFor)))) and Congrats on making it through this far.

LivingWithPain posted 9/21/2017 11:06 AM

Congratulations on your divorce. I have read your epic thread and you have been an inspiration to me. Good luck to you in whatever you do. I hope you find peace.

MidnightRun posted 9/21/2017 11:45 AM

You are a true role model for your kids.

Enlightenedwife posted 9/21/2017 12:00 PM

Don't quite know what's in order here... you have approached all this with a clarity and honour that i admire. I know you have done this with the needs of your children as paramount even when maybe you might have wanted to do something different. You have provided them with the stability they need even when your now XW started an earthquake under your feet. The decisions we make as parents have RESOUNDING effects on our children through their lives. You truly are a great role model here as you have not become embittered therefore allowing your children to breath and flourish. So congrats at YOUR deserve such happiness. Xx

Odonna posted 9/21/2017 13:21 PM

Hello O4!

Every now and then I scan the forums to see what you are posting about events in your life, and am always glad to see how productive, generous, and generally happy you are! I know the finality of the upcoming divorce hit you hard this past week. But really, you must embrace rather than resist those feelings. Not only do they pass, but while the cloud envelops you just remember that that is the last residue of the true love that you felt. The last exhale of your commitment.

And now it is done, which means, I hope, that the angst and sadness and (undeserved) guilt that you felt have now passed. You emerge now from the cocoon where your freedom has been incubating and stretch your wings and fly off into a bright future!

ohforanewme posted 9/21/2017 13:45 PM

Hi all

Thanks again for the incredible support.

Enlightenedwife glad to see your post. I stopped by your thread early this morning wondering how things are going for you. So looking forward to a positive post on transformation and renewal.

I am sure that all will understand that I did not feel up to posting any more from the court this morning but there is a bit more that I can share.

I was not sure whether to post this here or rather as a new thread in D/S where I have been welcomed into the community and been receiving wonderful support.  I then realised that posting here would provide a more complete picture of the journey through infidelity, almost to the end point. 

The experience of today was again an important part of my journey to a new and improving me.

Over here, in an uncontested D where there are no minor children involved, neither party has to appear.  In cases where there are minor kids, only one of the parties need appear.  I tried to get WW to let me know if she would be there.  If she was going, I did not want to go.  I don’t know what it is, I still get physically nauseous every time I see her.  All other times I feel nothing.  No hate, no anger, actually, never even give her a thought.  My life has been so happy over these past few weeks it is as if to me she never even existed.  It is as if 2PP just dropped into my life by some blessed miracle.  But when I actually she her, I come all unstuck.  An impossible to describe repulsion. 


So my plan was to get there early, find a spot where I could do the invisible man thing that I am so expert at.  If she arrived, I would slip away.  If she did not, I would go in. 


Going to court was a humbling experience.  I have been to court quite often, but always as an expert witness.  I was chauffeured to the steps, was met at the kerbside, had my laptop bag carried for me and was led down the corridor to a private witness room where some poor article clerk always hovered constantly asking if there was anything I needed, water, coffee, how many sugars.  I would walk down the corridor in my suit, with pristine starched white shirt and bold blue tie.  With confidence.  In the very centre of the corridor.  Always just half a step ahead of my attentive posse.  I consciously felt superior to the dishevelled, motley, lonely, looser lot, in little huddles on the stairs and in the corridors, there to have their cases heard. 


In the courtroom I sat eye to eye with the Judge.  I acknowledged his standing in society and he mine.  The defendant and the plaintiff sat well below us, anxious and always slightly subservient.  It was right that way.  We were the power class, their fate was in our hands. 


Man I am beginning to hate the who I was.  Such an arrogant twat!  No wonder I had no friends. 


Today I was motley, loser lot.  I found it to be a much more human and approachable slice of society.  One I now would rather be part of. 


I carefully searched for, and identified, the best possible spot for me to do my invisible man thing.  Being the bland, generic “one of the crowd” that I was today, I blended in perfectly with the grubby beige wall of the corridor.  No one would notice, and if WW arrived, I could slip out undetected.  Unfortunately, the stench of lonely loser seems to be irresistible to some and soon a little group had gathered around me.  The chap next to me tried to start up a conversation.  I suppose to try and help us bide the time.  I just did not have the energy for it.  My half turn away and raising of the shoulder, gave the very clear signal that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.  Thankfully he turned his attention to the chap on his other side. 


It seemed like an eternity that I stood there.  My mind was totally blank.  The place began to fill.  First, more of the motley crew, then the ever efficient clerks, then the learned legal men with their black, wheeled, leather, document boxes and finally those in flowing robes.   


WW arrived.  As always, resplendent, radiant, in her beauty.  Talkative fellow next to me said to his new found friend, “what idiot would be divorcing that”.  If I had not been worried about breaking cover, I might have said to him, “if you want, you can have her, and if it is only a screw that you want you might not even need to marry her.  A dinner at a good restaurant and a room at a top hotel is all that will be required”. 


She always knew how to spot me, even when no one else would.  She came straight across to me.  Drew me to her, curled one leg around me and tried to give me an open mouth kiss.  I had an instant flash of her arriving at Heathrow and doing just that to AP2 when she found him waiting for her in the arrivals hall.  I threw up in the men’s room. 


It had one positive spin off.  One of the clerks witnessed my distress and got us first on the roll for reasons of health. 


This meant that we were done much earlier than I had expected.  I had most of the day before me.  I did not want to go home.  I was still too nauseous to want to eat.  I did not want company of any sort.  I just got in the car and headed in the opposite direction to home.  I found a spot in the most secluded part of the massive parking lot of a huge warehouse type store.  I just sat in the car.  Mind blank.  I was disturbed by a knock on the car window.  A security guard had noticed me and wanted to know if I was alright.  I suppose I must have looked distraught and he certainly did not want to have to deal, on his shift, with the body of some fool who offed himself.  I then drove to the most southern tip of the city.  An industrial zone that I had not been to since before we were married.  It has changed unrecognisably.  While studying I had done some of my compulsory engineering vacation work at a factory there.  There has been so much change I could not find where it had been.  I stopped at a massive, abandoned site that had once been a proud and productive factory.  It was now just concrete slabs and weeds and derelict conveyers and steel skeletons with peeling corrugated cladding.  It was desolate.  No birds, no stray cats.  Not even rats.  It was so completely absent of life that not even the slight breeze could get one of the pieces of peeling corrugated cladding to clang against a pillar.  Absolute silence.  I just walked around the site.  No thoughts.  Eyes looking but not seeing anything.   No emotion whatsoever.  It was as if I needed to just be there until my humanity returned.  I don’t know how long I was there or what finally made me decide to leave but by the time I started my journey home I could have kicked myself.  The afternoon rush hour was in full swing.  When I finally looked at my phone, which had been switched off for the court appearance, there must have been over 20 frantic voice messages from 2PP and friends.  I called DD and apologised.  She was furious and relieved at the same time.  Wanted to both scold and comfort me simultaneously.  I told her I was okay.  Really okay.  That meant that she no longer needed to comfort so let rip with the scold stuff.  DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN!


My trip south was unplanned.  Had no purpose other than just to allow me to be alone and totally blank, but on the drive home it struck me what a powerful metaphor of my marriage that factory site could be if ever I wanted to be poetic or philosophical about it.  Not going to do that.  You folk can if you want.  Toy with it in your mind for a while.  Might just describe yours as well. 


I am home.  I am fine.  I am happy.  Deep in my soul happy.  I am human again, and I am now able to look forward to my Freedom Day celebration, without any distraction. 


Thanks for being there with me for every step along the way of this journey

Stevesn posted 9/21/2017 14:19 PM

You have held your head up high, even when it was weighted down with the most dreadful of emotions, from the start of this journey until this turning point.

The people who matter in your life are proud of you and that's quite an achievement when coming thru such an ordeal.


Beyond the overly physical greeting did your now xW try to engage you at all, or was it all business from that point on?

Thanks for following your thread through to the end. It's a testament to those struggling to get themselves out of infidelity.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:20 PM, September 21st (Thursday)]

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