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feeling like nobody

cissie posted 7/24/2017 22:07 PM

I would put this in General, but I know I will get some "you deserve it" like last time I ventured there with a question. its longer than I meant, but here goes.

We have marriage of convenience. He will go no further than that. I am the housekeeper/secretary/nurse. I think he has turned me into the mother his own mother never was.

I brought the subject up over the weekend that he was moving further away. For my part I mostly listened, but I did say that I felt we had half a marriage. Marriage is a legal and social institution, so there are roles to play and legal duties and expectations. That is the half we now have. We don't have the emotional half of marriage, the comfort, care, support and consideration.
He didn't really agree with that. So we sat there and I got a 2 1/2 hour monologue about what he was doing, how no-one who works for him can do the job right, how he has to pick up after everyone so things don't fall apart.
When we finished he said he thought we had had a very good conversation. He was not angry, but said he cannot go there and if I found someone else to love he would be happy for me to go. This is always the tack that he takes when I mention things like that. If I don't like it I can go.

I do not expect to be treated as if I had done nothing wrong, but I do feel the need to be treated like a human being with feelings. I understand he was badly hurt, but if I had known what the deal was 20 years ago when it came out I may have chosen not to stay. He still resents me and it sometimes shows in public. He will deny that, but he still brings it up. Yet when he finds out I am depressed, he tells me that I must put it on a shelf. 3 days later he is back talking about "people like me"

He has no concern for me.I went to the Dr today. I am fairly active for my age but lately I have been going downhill.

I am type 2 diabetic, I have high cholesterol and I am overweight. My BH regards being fat as a cardinal sin. I have a stiff painful shoulder. which was the main reason for the visit.

I found my diabetes has got worse, my cholesterol is still high, the stiff shoulder is arthritis and I have a newly discovered heart murmur, and swollen ankles.

I told my BH I had a Drs. appointment before I went. So far he has not asked me what happened.
I will have to go for a cardiogram in a couple of days and I also need to go to an orthopedic specialist to see if I can avoid becoming a pill junkie.

Since he has not asked, I have not said anything. If I do he will probably say that if were not fat I would not have these problems, and just buck up.
My question--would it be really passive aggressive not to tell him about the heart murmur, or any of the appointments until he asks?.

Jesusismyanchor posted 7/25/2017 00:19 AM

I'm sorry you feel this way. The part where he talks about you loving someone esle to just go....That sounds like a possible
fear based statement from a BS perspective. I would not be happy with a M of convenience either. Have you guys had MC? It sounds like there hasn't been healing. Maybe you need a third party to help. We are early on. I can tell you that lies cause a huge lack of secrurity. My H and I really need that third party perspective. I don't think we would have even made it this far.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:20 AM, July 25th (Tuesday)]

HurtingEveryone posted 7/25/2017 00:47 AM

From my perspective, it depends on your motivation. If you are withholding telling him about your doctor's appointments to try and hurt him then I think that is passive aggressive. If you think that he will use your information to hurt you, then no it isn't passive aggressive.

I wish you good luck with your health and marriage. Those are two pretty big worries to have at the same time.

onlytime posted 7/25/2017 06:22 AM

if I had known what the deal was 20 years ago when it came out I may have chosen not to stay

So why are you staying now?

Since he has not asked, I have not said anything. If I do he will probably say that if were not fat I would not have these problems, and just buck up.

It sounds like there are serious communication issues going on in your M. I see you avoiding telling him what's going on out of fear of his response. I also see that you are making assumptions (creating your own storyline in your head) about what he will say, which then keeps you from opening up.

Have you done anything in IC or MC to address the issue? Have you worked on learning assertiveness skills at all? Does he know that you are scared to open up with him, and if so, what is his response to you?

authenticnow posted 7/25/2017 06:48 AM

I would ask him if he'd be willing to go to MC.

Although a person never knows what they would do until they are in a situation, I think I would leave. I need a partner, someone who shows caring and acts lovingly towards me.

Even if you are a FWW, you deserve to be treated kindly. If he still has issues from the A, then go to MC. If he won't, decide if this is what you want your forever to look like.

cissie posted 7/25/2017 07:55 AM

Thank you all for your kind responses.

As for my forever - as I am 74 it wont be that long, and I would probably spend the rest of my life in a messy divorce.

We tried counseling once and we had a counselor who had no clue. She said it was a long time ago, why dredge it up now. She had no idea of how infidelity can make a person feel as if his entire life has been shot out from under him.
I had some IC, but she was similar and gave me the name of a divorce lawyer.

I thought, in time, he would soften, but instead he has become more self protective. He is distancing himself from the children and grandchildren, which is in part a result of a screwed up FOO. I had no clue about that.

My motivation - part of me wants to tell him and at least have someone to talk to about it, but I know from long experience that it will be fruitless to do that.

I think I will make my appointments. If he asks I will tell him. If it is nothing serious then there will be nothing to tell. Of course, if it is something that will need treatment I will have to tell him anyway.

I have to admit that the passive aggressive part of me wants to hurt him back for saying that he would be happy if I found someone else. That cuts like a knife, but I guess he is just being honest.

JulieMarie posted 10/23/2017 18:27 PM

Girl just go...that's a miserable life to live. Even being single for the rest of my life if preferable to living with somebody who acts like you're invisible. There is no difference except he kills your self-esteem everyday. Get out is MO, sorry.

JulieMarie posted 10/23/2017 18:30 PM

Oh and if gives you any hope...my step-grandmother got a new boyfriend when she was 85 and they are very, very happy.

Root posted 10/24/2017 07:02 AM

My BH’s parents had a marriage of convenience as did my parents. I wouldn’t do it if I had the money to leave, to live modestly with health insurance and retirement. My mother had money to leave my mil didn’t. Can you leave? If you have money you don’t need a divorce. Just live separate.

To answer your question no I wouldn’t tell your husband. He doesn’t care.

Btw I’m with you I won’t live long ether. Mental illness is going to kill me. It runs in my foo and the average age of death is 75. I come from a large extended family so I have a lot of data to back up my 75 number.

[This message edited by Root at 7:08 AM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

Iwantmyglasses posted 10/24/2017 10:10 AM

Is he having an affair?

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