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Joyfulone posted 9/13/2017 21:26 PM

Hi All, I'm coming up on 3 years and have never posted. I wish I had known about this site from the beginning because I read the wisdom/experience and quite frankly, could have used a lot more support than I had. It's been 3 years of hell. I recently found out My H has been online looking at sites - all of them - and has also cashed in some gold we had and opened his own bank account. Just after this discovery, he began attending a 12 step program and has gone religiously and now has a sponsor. He's been in IC the entire time, but apparently that just wasn't enough.
I've know about the bank account since June. Considering the fact that he was extorted from his last affair over a pregnancy (real or not) and closed out a retirement account and paid her what amounted to $31K in payout money and money to help her out because according to my H, "she was in a real bad place", this secret bank account is a no-can-do for me. He has yet to fix it.
Yesterday, I kindly told him that until he does fix it, we have nothing to discuss and he can come and get whatever he needs from our house while we're out. I told him to text me to make arrangements to see our 6 y/o D. He's sleeping in his car and I have moments of intense weakness. I know that sounds crazy. There's a big chunk of me that sees him as a good man making some really stupid choices. I feel as if this is the right and correct course of action, but I also feel anxious at times. I guess that's normal. The whole thing is scary and I guess ultimately, I just want to get off this horrible ride. Any thoughts are appreciated.

gonogo1 posted 9/13/2017 23:29 PM

Yes,, it is really hard and hugs to you and yes you have to draw that line in the sand or you will remain in hell !
None of this is easy but the journey back to normal is looking out for you first and don't forget that . He was not looking out for you .

Notthevictem posted 9/14/2017 06:14 AM

Welcome! More folks will be along to discuss this with you, and I'll try to add my thoughts this afternoon. I just wanted to chime in with something to let you know you've been heard first.

sisoon posted 9/14/2017 10:58 AM

Financial infidelity is infidelity.

Are you ready to D, or are there things he can do that will allow you to take him back? If so, what are they?

I'm really sorry you're here. I do not want to even think about an additional infidelity from my W because I fear it would be so painful.

(((Joyfulone)))

Bigger posted 9/14/2017 11:04 AM

Sadly then if he’s been hiding money and been in contact with the OW without your knowledge then he’s not doing 12 step work. Part of that work is total honesty and ongoing amends. He fails on both counts to a major stakeholder in his life.
Have you contacted his sponsor? I have a feeling he will tear your H a new one for what is basically wasting his time.

Joyfulone posted 9/14/2017 13:38 PM

Thank you all for your kind and compassionate posts. The 12 step program is so new (2 weeks new) and he's jumped in full throttle. He's at a meeting every day, shares every time and the sponsor is only a few days. I'm wanting to ride this new thing out to see where it goes while I also simultaneously take care of me because yes, he has not been looking out for me. I feel very supported with your input and I thank you so kindly for taking the time.

Notthevictem posted 9/14/2017 15:50 PM

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Joyfulone posted 9/14/2017 16:21 PM

Notthevictem, good question. Exercise has always been a go-to for me, but I just recently began working out with a personal trainer. I'm slowing down and taking in some of the advice for the newly traumatized on this forum - not packing too much in, even laying down and taking a nap in the middle of the day if I need to. I have my own business, so I'm able to control my schedule, hence the nap. I do find myself fatigued at times and whereas in the beginning, I was running on adrenaline, I realize now I can no longer afford to do that for my adrenals and my health. I'm also taking responsibility for my anxiety and calling it out as I see it. This not talking or seeing my husband daily brings up a lot of anxiety for me and I have a need to resolve it immediately which is ridiculous. I recognize that now. I'm reaching out to a couple people and here. My natural inclination would be to become a shut in and not speak about it which is what I did for the first 6 months after Dday. I understand now how detrimental that is for me. I believe I've been stuck in the stage of rage/anger/depression for a while now and I'm owning that as well. And, I'm hearing you sisoon, financial infidelity is infidelity and therefore, I will work on continuing to take loving steps forward in what I know is right and correct for me. I also recognize there are times of the day and week where I feel weaker. I'm wanting to fill in those holes with something to get myself through them. Any thoughts or recommendations are welcome. I dearly love my husband and as messy as it's been, I do believe my husband is a good man who made some horrible choices in his life and has used sex, etc. as coping mechanisms for stress, feelings of inadequacy, etc. I'm also real clear that the reconciliation on his part has been sloppy without both feet in and until that happens (or if it happens), I need to separate myself from living in the chaos and instability and take back my life or I will never be the "joyfulone" I know myself to be. I will be the miserable one and that is unacceptable for me and for my 6 year old daughter who so desperately needs me to align myself to my highest light and potential. Thank you for listening. I'm grateful.

Notthevictem posted 9/14/2017 18:08 PM

So for me, the motivation to choose good coping mechanisms was driven by my desire to provide a good example to my kids. A realization that hit after 2 months of trying to drown my pain. I regret that now, but life has a way of sayin "no takebacks!!!"

As far as additional coping mechanisms, a journal might be very helpful. It also has the added benefit of being a great filter for bullshit. Sometimes we take what our spouses say at face value because we WANT to believe... when reality is on a totally different wavelength.

Another option is something we call the "180" here. There's info on it in the healing library (top left corner).

As far as dealing with your spouse goes, an idea I want to float, especially because your marriage also includes financial infidelity, is the idea of a postnup. If you haven't heard of it, google is a great place to start. Some states/countries don't have or recognize them, so you'll want to do your own research (i.e. google scholar) before even floating the idea.