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My part in this

Laughingeyes posted 9/17/2017 17:57 PM

Recently found out my H has been having an A for two years! I've even been introduced to her unknowingly! I confronted him on Labor Day explaining that we needed to figure out how to separate and how to care for a 3 year old and 5 year old as I am the stay at home mom. He didn't deny the affair but didn't admit it either. It just turned into a series of discussion about our relationship in the past. I did and do take ownership that I cheated on him quit a few times in the beginning of our relationship but never once we were married. I also admit that I haven't tried in our marriage to be a friend to him, communicate, and have basically been a miserable person for three years. After the confrontation i thought the two of us were going to work on our marriage. I snooped in his messages and found all of their sexy messages all the way up to last night. So do I confront him again? I know I had a huge part in pushing him out the door but I refuse to share. All the other reading I've done online says to not force home to end the relationship because that will back fire but I can't stand the thought that they are still communicating/seeing each other. I don't think he realizes that I know way more than he thinks. I want to save us so I want to move forward not sit and wait for him to choose me.

hesstilllying posted 9/17/2017 18:03 PM

I am so sorry this is happening. I understand everything you are saying because I have said the same exact things. You have to focus on you. You won't be able to change him. Only
Yourself. If you know you have neglected him in the marriage, you can move forward with a new attitude. But, please take it from me, he is still with her. And the need to find out more will overwhelm you. It doesn't help to know more. It just makes it all so much worse. Yes, confront him. Tell him you will not stand for it. Read about the 180 and put it in place. Take care of you and your kids.

TheGuy123 posted 9/17/2017 20:35 PM

You refuse to share yet he shared you?

He moved on with you after your betrayal, but you won't?

Since the concept of an open marriage is out of the question, then why stay?

TheGuy123 posted 9/17/2017 20:44 PM

I'm guessing her but you picked him after your betrayal....he will pick you after his betrayal.

It might be as simple as him fogiving you just like you need to fogive him, or it is as comicated as the both of you just can't find the moral compose to be in a committed relationship.

You didnt respect him before you guys married tbere is no reason to respect him now...especially now that the shoe is on the other foot.

Laughingeyes posted 9/17/2017 20:50 PM

Good points so let me be more clear I guess. My infidelity was some one night stand not a long term emotional/sexual affair. That being said I understand and forgive the two years of the affair but won't share him moving forward. Tit for tat I guess. The affairs in question should make both sides even at this point. I stated that I wanted to move forward with him. I want us both to heal. I just don't see how that is possible if he keeps her in his life. I guess I'm trying to figure out how or if I give him the ultimatum her or me and I will have to prepare myself for him choosing her because it very well may happen.

TheGuy123 posted 9/17/2017 20:54 PM

In the end... You can only save this by letting him go.
You have the confidence to walk away he just might chase you, but then again he might not.

Right now you want a lot but what you want and what he wants are just not going to pan out. So be strong and face the fact that you can't always get what you want but if you try some time you get what you need.

TheGuy123 posted 9/17/2017 21:05 PM

One thing I learend from this infidelity crap is never beg and don't cry in front of of the wayward spouse.

BTw.... I won't share my spouse either!

I bet if you nuke this affair he sticks around.

Number one rule...make the affair as as inconvenient and uncomfortable as possible.

Xpose it!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:09 PM, September 17th (Sunday)]

Giftfromgod posted 9/17/2017 21:13 PM

Sorry you are here! Is the AP married? If so, expose the affair Asap and do not let your H know. Tell your h you are getting a divorce and he'll be contacted by your lawyer. Meet with a lawyer. Understand your custody rights. Expose the affair. This is the best chance for you to save your marriage.

ChamomileTea posted 9/18/2017 05:21 AM

See an attorney to find out what your rights and his responsibilities are. If the OW is married, expose the affair to her betrayed spouse. Do not tell your WH you're doing this, and don't feel bad about it. It's not like he told you he was cheating on you.

The fact that you cheated before marriage is no excuse whatsoever for him to cheat after marriage. While I don't condone cheating in any committed relationship, he didn't have a gun to his head when he made vows of love and fidelity. He's blame-shifting. You have 50% blame for the state of the marriage, but he has 100% blame for his choice to be a disgusting human being who lies, cheats, and exposes you to venereal diseases. Get tested, btw.

Almost everyone want to try and save it when they've just found out. That's normal. But there's nothing to save while the affair is ongoing. Further, YOU are not "an option" or "a fallback plan", so don't sit around waiting for an adulterous partner to "choose". If a cheating husband is not acceptable to you, than make a choice to not tolerate one.

Get your ducks in a row so that YOU are the one with options.

NoMercy posted 9/18/2017 06:07 AM

He sounds completely and utterly emotionally detached from you.

And quite honestly, it sounds like the marriage from Hell the way you describe your behavior these last few years - not trying at all, not being a friend to your husband, and being a miserable person to live with.

Your husband took the coward's way out. Rather than leave a miserable situation, he chose to cheat on you instead. Because the alternative - telling you he wants out, paying for a divorce and losing half his assets, having to pay you alimony for the next few yeas, having to pay child support for many years into the future, having to support and maintain his own private residence, and becoming an every-other-weekend dad were not pleasant alternatives for him.

At all.

So he stays in limbo and cheats instead.

It sounds like the two of you have just done so much damage at this point. Even if you DO chase off his OW, he's not going to magically love you again. I honestly think that ship sailed a long time ago.

And let's be honest here. For the last 3 years you didn't give a shit about this guy. You invested exactly ZERO into him and made his life miserable. Now that you've found out he's been in a long-term affair, you suddenly want to 'work' on your marriage and just expect him to be happy about that and be all excited about it.

I think you've done way too much damage and I think even if his OW fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, he still wouldn't magically love you again. I think that ship sailed a long time ago and you need to accept it.

He's likely staying out of a sense of responsibility for the kids and for all the financial reasons I wrote about above, but that's about it, LaughingEyes.

I think it was very wise to talk to him about separating on Labor Day, and it still sounds like that's your best choice.

Good luck to you.

feelingthenoose posted 9/18/2017 08:32 AM

Reconciliation is going to be really complicated because of your history, but I don't think it's impossible.

The hardest part might be accepting your own actions as something as serious as what he's doing to you now. If you start playing the "bad guy" game, you're both going to lose. You've both made bad decisions. NEITHER of you are better than the other. NEITHER of you forced the other to cheat either.

Both of you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to heal the other party. One caveat - it can't be something that further hurts your marriage. Allowing him a girlfriend is not going to fortify your commitment to one another. Allowing him access to your phone and email and forgoing nights out with friends he considers a bad influence? Those things help rebuild trust. Sending no contact letters, switching jobs to be away from the affair person, or cutting off friends who helped hide the affair might also help.

For now, I would gather evidence. Don't reveal your sources. Go to a lawyer, have a divorce agreement written up that is stacked in your favor and confront your husband by handing him the paperwork. You can give him a list of demands at the same time ... no contact letter, personal counseling for both of you followed by marital counseling once you're ready to tackle your other issues, answering questions about the affair, whatever. Tell him to choose one and have it back to you by the end of the night.

There is a board here called "I Can Relate" with a thread for Madhatters - people who've both strayed and been betrayed in their relationship (here: You might get more support posting there. Good luck.

sisoon posted 9/18/2017 12:05 PM

Your cheating

Did your cheating violate any commitment you made to your H2b? IMO, no commitment, no foul.

If you did violate a commitment, what did you do to change into someone who won't violate a commitment again?

Also, he probably had a lot of feelings when he found out and may have a lot of unresolved feelings now. It's up to him to resolve them. A good IC can help.

Your M

Your past M isn't all that relevant now, although one or both of you may decide not to R on the basis of it.

Can/will you share why you became the partner your described?

His cheating

He did not cheat because of a lousy M. He cheated because of his own issues. Discussing his grievances is a waste of time, unless it's a path to his taking responsibility for his actions and himself.

To be a candidate for R, he needs to acknowledge to himself and to you what he's done/doing, he's got to see that he's terribly flawed as a partner, and he's got to commit himself to changing from cheater to good partner.

You report he's not doing those things. He's not yet a candidate for R.

Your healing

You've got to process the feelings that are getting dumped on you by his continuing to stay in contact with his ap. That usually takes a long time, because usually there's a lot of emotion.

You also need to figure out what you want, even if you think it's unattainable. If you want R, you need to own that, even though it looks like a long-shot. If you want D, you need to own that, even if you stay together for, say, financial reasons.

Above all, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to think straight and talk straight. If anyone on any forum or if any self-styled expert tells you to act in a certain way, because that will manipulate your H into acting the way you want him to, ignore ignore ignore.

People are not machines. Even if your H 'always' does this when you do that, he may surprise you; besides the rules have changed. Ask for what you want - any attempt to manipulate will backfire eventually.

And the idea that anyone who doesn't know your H knows how he'll respond is totally ridiculous - some predictions will come true, of course, but that's coincidence.

IOW, no one knows how your H will respond if you force a choice between her and you.

I recommend not forcing a choice until/unless you're ready for him to choose her (and if he does, he's not worth your time anyway).

I also recommend reading the Healing Library; a link is in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

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