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Ain't nothing but a heartache

DistantSky posted 10/19/2017 11:48 AM

It's been a tough week for me, feeling generally tired and overloaded.

I'm doing this divorce process on my own. So it's been overwhelming getting all of the documents I need in order to file. (Where I live, you can do it without a lawyer, which is all good since I can't afford one anyway).

I've always known that I want to be the one to file. So even though STBXH is sitting on his ass anticipating the inevitable to happen, he hasn't been doing anything to move it along. I don't want him to spring a surprise filing on me anyway, so I've been trying to keep things as low profile as possible.

He does know I am in the process of getting the paperwork sorted though, so I suppose that is why he decided to download Tinder on his phone

It's all sorts of triggers for me.

I don't want to be married to him anymore. I know it's bad for me. But it hurts that he's STILL so fucking disrespectful to what is/was our marriage!

And all this while he still wears his wedding ring.

freetogonow posted 10/19/2017 14:46 PM

Are you guys still living together?

DistantSky posted 10/19/2017 20:26 PM

Yes, weíre doing IHS till the divorce is final.

TrustGone posted 10/19/2017 20:41 PM

IHS is hell. I would let him know that the ring needs to come off, as he broke the vows and continues to do so. Try to do the 180 as much as possible during this time. It will help keep your sanity as he continues to disrespect you. I am sorry you are here. We are here for you and just know that there is life after infidelity and the D. It's just a matter of time before you are rid of him and can get on with your new beginning. (((hugs)))

freetogonow posted 10/19/2017 21:07 PM

We did ihs too and it was a living hell. You have my deepest sympathies.

Nerdynotsexy posted 10/19/2017 22:00 PM

Sending hugs your way. I am coming to the end of IHS with a WS who also did nothing to start or move the process along. I can totally sympathize with your situation.

Hang in there. Take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

DistantSky posted 10/20/2017 05:54 AM

Thank you all for your encouragement. I feel like this is becoming increasingly unfair. I never wanted to end up in divorce. I donít want to lose time that Iíll get to spend with my son just because I need to split the week with him. I am going through so much added stress while being the main breadwinner and trying to get this divorce process sorted and trying to wrap my head around everything that is happening and everything there is to come.

We need to submit a parenting plan to the court, and Iíve been asking him to have a think about it before we go in for our counseling session tomorrow, before we put pen to paper for the court submission. Somehow, I feel like heís trying to avoid going/putting in the work to make this happen? This therapist is also our IC; but STBXH has stopped going for months so this is the first time heíll see him in awhile. There is a group session planned for next week, but heís told me heís not going so I think regardless of whatís happening to our marriage, heís not going to put in the work to be a better human overall. This would not bother me if it wasnít for our son.

Some background: my STBX is incredibly unmotivated and lacks any sort of ambition. When we started the MC/IC, I found the therapist and I had to encourage him to go for sessions. Do I really need to continue to do this for my sonís sake? Is there a better way about this? Or do I just have to let it go?

TrustGone posted 10/20/2017 06:41 AM

Trying to encourage him to go to IC/MC is a waste of your time. If he wanted to go and try and save the marriage he would. Even though he needs to at least go for your DS, he won't.

The thing is that you can't fix him and you can't control what he does or doesn't do. The only thing you can start doing is detaching yourself from the marriage. I tried for 3yrs to R with XWH#2, but he just didn't care to do the work he needed to do, so I had to just let it go.

DistantSky posted 10/22/2017 23:53 PM

Trying to encourage him to go to IC/MC is a waste of your time. If he wanted to go and try and save the marriage he would. Even though he needs to at least go for your DS, he won't.

This is so true. Itís more like a joint counseling now rather than MC, just to work out this transition process as it happens.

So we went to see our therapist to discuss the parenting plan and it went ok. Heís pretty indifferent, which makes things easier for me moving forward.

But, I am still disturbed by how easily heís letting this go. And Iím also worried about ending up alone and bitter. I miss being loved and having someone to love and Iím sad my STBXH put me in this position.

Iím attending a support group for BWs tomorrow. Itíll be my first session and Iím looking forward to it.

DistantSky posted 10/25/2017 03:48 AM

Feeling down that heís so detached. How can he be so cold after all Iíve done for him?

DistantSky posted 10/29/2017 09:43 AM

Just had a confrontation with the STBXH. He was over an hour late getting back from his shift. I asked him if he was going back to prostitutes again. He said no and explained why he was back late, and it sounds believable though I'm not 100% convinced.

Background: He would often come home an hour late after work before - this was the time he used to spend going to prostitutes.

I told him that if he wants to be a part of our son's life, he will not put him at risk again. If I ever find out he is doing so, I'm gonna come down hard on him.

The joys of IHS. Sigh.

Jen posted 10/29/2017 18:06 PM

I have that song in my head now.


It's so hard to watch feel this. I remember it and it's wrenching. Not long after I joined here someone said it seems so easy for them cause they already grieved the M and we didn't know. That made sense to me. It's not to say we were at fault, the kept it from us a carried on. Maybe my Xh did actually grieve the M when it wad over, maybe he did it when I didn't know. What I do know is that then & now makes no difference.

You made a choice for you, and we support you.

CaliforniaNative posted 10/29/2017 19:17 PM

I tried to do IHS and couldnt. Too many triggers. My STBXH moved out and we are so much better now. California makes us stay married for 6 months before D is final, so we are separated until then.

He cries about the D all the time, almost 50% of the time I see him. No way do I want R

harrybrown posted 10/29/2017 19:59 PM

you can do this.

Keep pushing, but get him out of the house.

IHS is horrible.

I helped my son with his D, after his wife went on dates after they were married.

Hope the IHS ends soon.

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