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Still thinking of OW

Outfield posted 10/30/2017 08:15 AM

Iím nearly 4 months with NC with the OW. Iím doing well getting past her and the routine I had with seeing and communicating with her. I have to admit, I miss it and everything we talked about and bullshitted about on a nearly daily basis. Itís been very difficult having to go cold turkey with NC. I feel like a part of my life is just gone, which it is I guess. It just sucks and I have a hard time with it on some days.

ChangeMe1 posted 10/30/2017 08:35 AM

I'm sorry, I don't know your story, so I'm not sure what your situation is.

It sounds though like you are pining for something you miss, and that's always hard. But maybe you can turn it into a positive way to dig into some of the 'work ' that's often talked about.

What is it you are really missing? Is it them or is it something else. Is it actually just the buzz you got from talking to them? The ego kibbles as people like to call it.

Maybe if you did some into what you are really missing, you will first start to understand yourself a bit more but also maybe understand that it's not really them that you miss, just want they gave you.

Outfield posted 10/30/2017 08:57 AM

I had an affair for nearly a year, with nearly daily contact via text and 2-3x week physical contact. I know itís the ego kibbles that was part of it, I enjoyed the way I felt around her and we were, in essence, boyfriend/girlfriend. DDay was quick, unexpected, and a shock to my BS. Weíre working on R and we have our ups and downs. But I still think of my past with the OW, pretty much daily. Iím slowly learning what makes me tic, itís the ego drive, the compliments she gave me, the fact I can get a much younger woman to want me every day. The weird thing is my BS, who is much older than the OW,is drop dead gorgeous and STILL wants to be married to me. I scratch my head some days why sheís still around, or why she hasnít kicked me out of the house.

pinkpggy posted 10/30/2017 09:56 AM

I am 7 months out from total NC and I still am sad. I miss what we had or what I thought we had and I miss the friendship more than the physical part of it. I know it wasn't real, and I know he lied about a lot of things but it was very fulfilling and it made me happy. We would talk from 6am-9pm every day via email and phone and meet 2-3x a week. It's hard to adjust your brain from it and also try to pick the pieces up in your marriage and have your BS be so angry and not give you anything. Right now I try to focus on being grateful. That's what gets me through.

hikingout posted 10/30/2017 10:45 AM

I think that is normal. My counselor told me that often she tries to address the grief in the room with the WS, because something has ended. Now, many may say "it wasn't real, it had to be about something" and I think that's true. But, also, it was a relationship despite the circumstance I think in some cases you do have feelings for someone and unless you are a sociopath that doesn't go away the minute NC begins. It sounds like you are doing the right things so far, just try and change the channel when you have those thoughts and continue to stay busy and focus on reconnecting with your wife. Anything else is a slippery slope towards reconvening the relationship, and that is ultimately a decision to disregard your marriage and put it once again in jeopardy. I received a ton of advice of trying to see the person for who they really are and that will help kill the feelings. However, in my case I have to say that other than the fact they were lost as I was, there wasn't anything negative I could really focus on that wasn't true for me too. However, if there is something there for you that you can try and focus on, I would say use it.

sorrowfulmate posted 10/30/2017 11:58 AM

I would strongly suggest that you take a look at who your OW really was. Right after DDay I had this idea that she was a loving caring person, that she helped others.

Finally after really looking at the facts all of my APs were just like me. Selfish Self-centered people who didn't really give a shit about their families or what they would be doing to the family or relationships of the people they were involved with.

You are looking back on a fantasy, a dopamine soaked non-reality, that didn't involve the day to day issues that real relationships really go through. In an affair there are no diapers to change, there are no bills, there are no real responsibilities. What you and your AP did was simply mirror back to each other. Agreeing with each other about situations and things happening in the real world and handing out sympathy to each other about how the world was against both of you.

I don't know if you have read "Not Just Friends" but it was an eye opener for me. However the best way that I got over was to simply take a realistic look at who I was having an affair with. Both my physical and emotional affair partners (I had quite a few if you read my sig) and realizing that they weren't really all that deep, or all that real.

You just have to start taking the sledgehammer of reality to the whole situation.

here is an example:

fantasy: My ap was a good mother

Reality: What good mother would leave her kids and husband to go out and fuck a stranger she met on the internet? Seriously no good mother would do such a thing.

I am not doing this to demonize my AP, what I am doing is looking at the reality. I was not a good father when I was in my affairs. I was a petty, angry man who yelled at his wife and kids, spent money that should have been used on them so that I could have a fantasy. I was insulting. I ignored my kids. I was a total and complete selfish asshat.

When I started coming to terms with what I actually was then I was able to apply it to all my fantasy relationships and realize that AP was not the "Amazing" and "Wonderful" person that my fantasy soaked brain thought she was.

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