SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

Deejay523 posted 11/3/2017 19:01 PM

I use to feel better coming here when I was having a hard time. ...

sickofsurviving posted 11/3/2017 19:17 PM

I just thought it was me. I figured my situation was just very um...uncomfortable. I read every day, but very rarely post.

demolishedinside posted 11/3/2017 19:23 PM

It means people are busy. The board is slow. People are thinking how to respond....so many different things. I will look for your thread.

lostthatlovingfeeling posted 11/3/2017 19:35 PM

I know how you feel but I usually think it's because every time I post, I sound crazy when I am venting!

tiredofcrying59 posted 11/3/2017 19:43 PM

Sometimes for me, I don't have any advice, or don't think I can help. I should probably pop on and tell that person that they have been heard, but I don't have an answer.

Sometimes some people post a long post with no punctuation and I can't make heads or tails out of what they are saying, so I kind of stay away from those.

Some days, I just am still so hurt I can't engage. Like I pretty much stay out of JFO as a general rule. Those kill me. I relive the whole damned thing.

wokewife posted 11/3/2017 20:45 PM

It has all been said but for me--I am still on a roller coaster and don't know where to begin to give advice.

I do know that it is incredibly comforting to know that you are all out there; I am not alone in Crazyville. I had no idea that I could feel this much pain, mood swings, and murderous rage. My WH thought I was extreme so it was very important to know that other people (even men) felt so intensely after an affair.

After a year it is starting to get better and I don't lose control of my emotions as easily or intensely but I am still taking it one day at a time.

I am sorry that you had the experience of having no one respond; that would have hurt me. I am so vulnerable now but I do care. I guess sometimes we are just frozen in our prison of pain that we can't reach out.

Deejay523 posted 11/3/2017 21:04 PM

Thank you all for responding! !
I will read all and respond back Sunday.

Cephastion posted 11/3/2017 21:18 PM

Another respondent here. Indeed life is busy. I think that this year in particular seems a lot more economically prosperous than many previous years.

I think that this has a LOT of people really hopping when they might be browsing and posting otherwise.

And as the country song goes: "God is great; beer is good; and people are CRAZY."

I must be, too.

Notthevictem posted 11/3/2017 21:44 PM

For me... Some posts are much harder to answer than others.

Thissucks5678 posted 11/3/2017 22:01 PM

Sometimes I have a really long response typed out and then I reread it and decide not to post. That happens a lot actually. I’m not sure why, maybe I lack the confidence to post? I’m sorry if you feel you are not being heard. Hugs (((Deejay)))

annanew posted 11/3/2017 23:28 PM

It’s a “rich get richer” phenomenon, which is partly due to the way this site sorts posts. Posts that get a few responses show up at the top of the page more often and on the forum list page more often, thus getting even more views and even more responses. Sometimes it has little to do with the nature of the post, and is not personal at all.

That said, posts about problems with obvious SI-approved solutions, or describing extreme WS behavior, often get more responses. And long, complex posts with no clear answer get fewer.

Having a clear question can help. And sticking to a single issue.

Salty16 posted 11/4/2017 02:32 AM

Deejay, I have felt that way with some of my posts. Felt like I was standing in a room saying "hello???" With no response... or hearing crickets. I really thought that my situation was just so odd that nobody had an answer, or really knew what to say. Its hard not to take it personally when dealing with such an emotional topic. When we are newer members or put our story out there, we are raw and seeking help. For some, like me, there is no MC or IC... this is our place for help. There have been a few members to be supportive or have some advice. Those have been great and I am thankful.
As far as my responses to other posts, maybe it's just that I don't have experience with that situation and feel I shouldn't reply. At times I find myself triggering and getting more upset or angry, which would impact the tone of my response.
I hope you are able to find some support and answers. You truly are not alone.

shellbean posted 11/4/2017 07:23 AM

Agree with the others comments. I get on SI 4 - 5 times a week. Sometimes daily. In the beginning, I didn't feel I was "qualified"? to say anything. When I see a post that speaks to me, I generally respond. Sometimes, if it is too familiar, it hurts and I can't comment. One year later, I feel like I am back at square one and shouldn't offer any advice to anyone. But, Deejay you are heard. I'm sorry for not taking time to say anything to you. Peace!

Notthevictem posted 11/4/2017 07:52 AM

One year later, I feel like I am back at square one and shouldn't offer any advice to anyone.

What you say matters. One of the beautiful things about this place is that there are so many people from so many places with different experiences and perspectives. If you read through the responses, it's actually pretty rare that all responses say the same thing. Course, when they do all match up, that should be a giant blinking neon sign.

Lord knows I've been wrong in my life mire times than I've been right. Here, even if I'm wrong, it I'm still showing that I care and I'm listening. The first year after dday half my posts about my circumstances was asking for advice, and the other half were just me pretending to ask but really going 'AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH'. There are no magical words that stop the pain.

I've gotten slapped on the wrists by mods for being too... forceful in responses and for saying things that others found inappropriate (surprise). I'm no longer allowed on the wayward side because I was venting my anger there. But... as long as I'm willing to stay within the guidelines, those slaps were important learning devices... gotta follow the guidelines. This is a place of healing, after all.

What I'm getting at is that you don't have to be an expert. You don't have to have the perfect answer. You could have made all the right choices for your situation and still have the wrong answers to others and all the wrong choices and stilll have all the right answers. Don't think that your input shouldn't be shared.

And that goes for everyone... in my opinion anyways. But who am I? Just some stranger on the Internet.

sisoon posted 11/4/2017 09:33 AM

I think it helps if you say specifically what you're doing in posting - venting (no response needed), asking for support, asking for advice, asking for shared experiences, etc..

You can use a post for multiple purposes.

Also, as a general rule, shorter paragraphs are easier to respond to than a wall of text.

StillAngry222 posted 11/4/2017 12:41 PM

I do same thing Thissucks5678 said. I’ll write what turns out to be a long response and most times end up deleting it. Not sure why.

Cephastion posted 11/4/2017 13:30 PM

Oh...another reason I think people are often slow or fearful of responding is that they're afraid of saying the "wrong" thing.

Not only is this a site chock FULL of broken or at least once-broken souls...it's set in a world full of harmful people and varying belief-sets. One man/woman's virtue is another man/woman's vice.

If you know you're going to a ladies' only book reading club, you can bring some kind of celery sticks with fat-free ranch dip for a snack and act all smart and current with your literacy.

But if you play that crap with a guys' poker night in a man-cave on a game night...let's just say you'll likely get a VERY different response.

Here on the world wide web with broken people and promises and lies and misconstrued words and actions being excuses for affairs and revenge affairs and all manner of evil being done by one person to another...well...maybe ya'll end up getting stuck with more than a few responders like myself who are just too dumb to be concerned with the repercussions or else those who are smart enough to navigate it all without putting anything but a smile on everyone's faces or else those of us who are so hurt or desensitized that we just don't care what other's think (where negativity is concerned at least.)

In any case, it's world of "if you can't say anything 'nice', don't say anything at ALL" with political correctness being the greatest commandment instead of loving one another and being honest with each other. And what's "nice" to one guy is "hate-ful" to another, so it can be a real conundrum to know what and who and how we want to come across to such a 'tough crowd' sometimes.

Deejay523 posted 11/5/2017 12:31 PM

Once again Thank you all!!
Imo,and for my sanity and peace as for many of you I am sure, I find it so important especially in a moment of pain to hear any response other than crickets even if it's a not a really knowing what to say response, this is where I go to for support of some sort, as I am sure this is where a lot of you go for the same, when needed...just knowing your not alone I find strength again in that alone. knowing you all share this unfortunate craziness, knowing we all are sharing and searching for advice or just to talk it out and to just listen just be there for eachother for so many reasons ...to help us all find the better in us so we can all get through this someway to get to a good place and hopefully someday be able to stay in that good place, I wish this for us all! !

Cephastion posted 11/5/2017 13:49 PM

I think there's a way to sort of hit the big red "nurse" button for help on here, too. I think starting a "Mod please" thread or clicking on one of their usernames at the top of the forums menu and personally messaging them might be a kind of "help!" signal that brings more attention or light to your need.

Am I right there, (veteran) guys? Or am I speaking out of turn on that note?

There are moderators and "guides" and stuff, and they really do seem to be cery genuine and care, but of course they have lives like the rest of us, so I don't mean to make any grand guarantees on their behalf...

CWBS83 posted 11/5/2017 16:12 PM

A lot of times I write out a response then think "no one will care what I have to say because I don't have much experience and I'm still close to dDay". I then delete it.