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just feeling sad

nofoollikean posted 11/12/2017 21:33 PM

I am just feeling sad because i am alone, and because i have had some wine. And, if i am alone and feeling lonely, it must be even worse for so many people. I am 68. My kid and grandkids live far away and have their own busy lives. In fact, everyone i know has their own busy life. I don't. I miss having a family, a partner, a dog, a job. It's lonely.

[This message edited by nofoollikean at 9:36 PM, November 12th (Sunday)]

nofoollikean posted 11/12/2017 21:40 PM

So, i find myself going on dating sites, which is such a waste of time. I was looking at the 30 yr. old women's profiles, looking for the woman my ex took up with - half his age. I was reading the profiles and it was so sad and full of dispear. Imagine, if i can't meet someone at my age, and these women are more than half my age, and it is so pathetic for them. I mean, the men are horrible. At least, i have had my life. I just can't figure out how to be more productive. I am however releaved that i don't have the caretaking burden of children and lack of money that so many younger women have. I am glad that is behind me. Now, if i could only figure out how to reach others just like me who are alone and lonely.

TrustGone posted 11/12/2017 21:47 PM

I am sorry you are feeling lonely and sad. Have you tried to do any activities that involve other people? There are meet-up groups for all ages. Could you get a part time job or volunteer your time? Can you get a dog? I adopted one and he is the light of my life and makes me laugh everyday. I also know a guy that is in his 80's that takes college courses in things he wants to know more about. I think the last one was a cooking class and before that Art History. It's never too late to learn and he said he made lots of friends by doing this. Maybe take a road trip to a place you have always wanted to go. Join a gym. There are endless things to do. So make yourself get up and do something. Do not let infidelity control you. (((HUGS)))

Superesse posted 11/12/2017 22:13 PM

(((nofoollikean))) I hear you, loud and clear.

I am 66, separated from 2nd WS, with no children to even call up and talk to. My nieces and nephews have never been close, either geographically or any other way, so they are not a significant part of my life, either. Parents both gone. Job long gone, etc. All the friends I have out here in my retirement home, seem to be like yours, with their own busy lives...and not wanting to hobnob with a single woman of my age without family connections they can relate to. My new friends all have family that live close by, so we don't have that in common.

Even still, there is much we can be grateful for, when we turn our eyes to the good part of life, don't you agree? You have children and grandchildren, even if they're not close by; that's more than I can say.

I just can't figure out how to be more productive.
I think this is the most important need for you, right now, the same as me. TrustGone offered you several good suggestions. It's truly up to you to create a new life, scary as that sounds. But we all sit at home feeling like this, some nights (or more nights than not!). So take heart, you're not alone.

nofoollikean posted 11/13/2017 10:39 AM

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions. It was a dark, rainy, cold week-end, Veterens/remembrance day - always a sad occasion. My plans fell through, I was supposed to have coffee with a man who spends all his time working and on week-ends baby-sits his grandkids. How nice for him, but he really has no time for me, so i declined the hour window he offered me. Should have gone. I found myself missing my parents and sister, and three close friends who have died. I was trying to be friends with my ex, but hearing about his conquests or potentials doesn't make me feel good. And, I am coming to realize that friends??isn't working for me, especially FWB. He's never coming back, and even if he did it would mean nothing, he would still be poly or a cheater. I would never be special. It would never be monogomous. And, i am so angry at my closest friend, a guy because he is poly and it hurts a lot of women. The volunteer thing isn't working, yet. I am going to counselling, which is great. I just don't have a lot of social venues to meet people. So, i go on line. Which is very hit and miss - mostly potential disaster. I haven't found that i made friends in meet-up groups, nor have i found a course i like. So, i am virtually down to no friends, no social life, just internet dating and that sucks. I met a man recently, it seemed to be going well and got physical, and he disappeared. I sent an email and got no response.
I do walk and cycle, and i am writing a book, but most of my activities are solitary. And, i really don't enjoy talking to the friends who have the happy, totally full, zipitty do da life. They extend no offers to include me, just tell me about where they went with whom and what they did. They know how alone i am. - ah, friendship

smokenfire posted 11/13/2017 12:10 PM

I'm sorry, those days are the worst and difficult as well.

When I was in that spell, I looked into activities etc. Got super involved in reading/writing again. Perhaps look for things you have not tried to fill your time, like painting, etc.

The library has free seminars etc. I went to one on transgender women. I'm not trans, but it was super interesting and free.

I think we all go through that regardless of our age. I can tell you I am AWESOME now. I am thrilled with my life and have zero desire to even look for a man at this point. I'm in school full time (which helps tremendously) and I nanny my grandkids with one parent currently deployed. I don't get much adult time which kind of sucks, but I have been too isolated for a long time....

Brentwood posted 11/13/2017 16:00 PM

Yup, right there with you. Iím in this weird period of feeling lonely even though I have lots to look forward to. Iím happy to be divorced from my ex but still pissed that his outside persona still fools others, I hate that my kids and grandkids spend time with him even though I know they Ďlikeí me better, I hate that I donít have regular sex but love that when I do itís a million times better than it ever was with, so, so much better But I feel ya sister.

Iím in your age group and Iím beginning to think finding a coupla women in my same position to live with could be ideal. When it was on prime time t.v., I used to think the Golden Girls was funny but felt sorry for the ďoldĒ women...that would never be me, never. Hahahaha. Itís me. Iím old. And Iím Blanche! Although Iíve never lived with a roommate, I sometimes think it would be ideal to live with friends who all like, respect, support, and enjoy each otherís company. As for now, Iíve realized itís better for me to go with the occasional sadness and loneliness instead of fighting it. The bad emotions end quicker when I lean into it and employ this twisted trick...

...I sit on the sofa with a bag of Trader Joeís caramel cheddar popcorn and watch one of the two Hallmark channels showing nothing but beautiful people in quaint snow-covered towns with true love blomming while destinies are being fulfilled and families are reunited and rejoicing and you are being wooed by the impossibly gorgeous and rich prince/princess charming just waiting to fulfill your every fantasy. Cry your eyes out for the first dozen or so movies, then come to the amazing realization that you can sit on the sofa whenever you want, wearing, eating, and doing whatever you want without having your cheating, lying, giving you that god-awful soul sucking feeling of hopelessness, ex around. I can watch the movies and cry, laugh, yell at the stupid dialog, and do whatever suits my mood.

It still sucks sometimes as Iím getting used to my new life but itís oh so much better than living in my old life. Iím may be old but fortunately I look much younger than my age...unfortunately it attracts much younger men. What would Blanche do??

[This message edited by Brentwood at 4:04 PM, November 13th (Monday)]

nofoollikean posted 11/13/2017 16:06 PM

I think the other big issue is the FWB thing. It has been about a month, and i am not liking it even though it was my idea. I really don't want to hear about the women he would like to have sex with or the one, the child, who would love to have sex with him. It was just very hurtful to me, especially since she - who is 30 - is still in the picture. And is she insanely jealous of me. She can't understand why he would pic someone his own age like me, rather than someone half his age, her. So, i thought we could be friends - maybe even with benefits, but it isn't really working for me. I end up alone, getting together with him when he feels like it, and having to listen to who he is trying to stoup. Not the role i want to play, and no, given his past history with me and the 4-5 women before me, he's not going to change his behaviour. I have heard it said re:men - if you had all the power, why would u want to give that up. He is just realizing, he holds all the cards. He's not interested in monogomously committing himself to any woman. He did that for 30 yrs with no sex and she died, and now he can have whoever is willing. Doesn't work for me.

Superesse posted 11/13/2017 18:34 PM

Aaahh, here's the Sore Point. Ditch that Loser, you sure don't need that in your life. You'll feel MUCH better without that kind of nonsense going on, I'm sure.

nofoollikean posted 11/14/2017 09:33 AM

You are so right!!! Thanks! It certainly isn't meeting my needs. So, yesterday, there was a break in the rain so i went to the water and walked for 2 hrs. to the next coastal town. Then i shopped. Now, i am planning to make Paella - maybe just for me. Also, I have one coffee meeting and a lunch meeting in the works. I am getting out and getting busy. I would also like to fly out to Vegas, rent a car, and drive into the desert for some sunshine and to see the rock formations. I didn't want to go alone, but who knows. Back on track - thanks all who responded!

nofoollikean posted 11/14/2017 09:34 AM

[This message edited by nofoollikean at 9:35 AM, November 14th (Tuesday)]

nofoollikean posted 11/15/2017 09:34 AM

So, here's the thing, i am not 20 or 45 or 60. I am almost 70. Younger guys are like children to me. Did anyone see the movie Little Miss Sunshine. Alan Arkin gets kicked out of the old folks home for using herion. His defense was: at my age, what's left. He also said he was getting endless sex because there was maybe one guy for every 15-30 women. It's true. Not only that, but when I communicate with guys on a dating site, i always ask health questions. Most of the guys have already had prostate cancer (and now, nothing works), and/or a heart attack, plus other physical complaints like bad knees, back, etc. I am pretty healthy and physically active and mentally sharp. Plus, i still have a strong libido. The one guy, the one i keep talking about, who has met my needs, is in amazing shape. He is also a PHd and really charming and loving when he wants to be. So, at almost 70 i can hold out for Mr. Wonderful, who doesn't exist, by the way. Or, I can just be alone and often unhappy. Women, no, it is still a competition. And, they can't keep up with me, or they are tied down to grandkids and latent kids. So, do i take what i can get, or just keep marching towards death waiting for whatever catastrophic event ends my life. What i have been trying to do is have sex with him w/o getting emotionally involved. Is this possible/realistic?

[This message edited by nofoollikean at 9:36 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Superesse posted 11/15/2017 10:37 AM

Good morning, nofoollikean! I read your post just now and thought ďthere I am next year if/when I am divorced,Ē but the only difference would be, Iíve had zero libido since D-day 1, 15 years ago, and I sure wouldnít want it back after a divorce! I donít ever want that back, call me strange. But I ask ďis sex worth all the anguish it has caused me over the last 50 years? Answer: Hell no!

Now what makes life nice for me is getting a massage. When I start drawing SSI, (Iím almost 67), I will have to budget for lots of trips to my chiropractor whose sister is a massage theapist. Yessss.

But I hear you, even if I have no answer on your FWB question; I think there is no upside to that, since it isnít likely to be bonding for him if he is into other partners, but it may well be for you. Then youíd be right back where you were: in some poly relationship. And you know, there is no such thing as being too old for an STD. What else makes life worth living for you, that you can throw your energy into?

Chrysalis123 posted 11/15/2017 12:41 PM

I understand, and am going through the same thing but am just 58. I moved to SW Florida 1.5 years ago, and I am too young for the people I meet here and also am single. I am a threat because of that and because I am in excellent health and look very young for my age.

I also work full-time, but I am very lonely and isolated. It's so hard. I hate OLD. Church around here is for married women or young women. I am freaking invisible there. No thanks.

I'm like you trying to figure it out. I try volunteering but so far end up working alone. Then I quit and feel sort of guilty because quitting because I'm not meeting people is selfish on my part. But there is only so much time in my day!

I gave up on men. I'm hoping for a few good women friends too. I recently met an 80 year old widow and she told me she's the happiest she has ever been, after adjusting to the loss of her husband.

She said she refused to be miserable and lonely. She is constantly busy with her lady friends. She is my role model.

nofoollikean posted 11/16/2017 16:07 PM

Thanks for all the responses. Good to know i am not alone. And, of course, i have a lot to be grateful for. Also, while i can be very social, i was a teacher, i always have travelled and done thing on my own. Today, i went for my wonderful counselling appt. and then treated myself to all yu can can sushi while waiting to have work on my car done. Now, i realize i am sick with a cold that may now be flue - and i did get the shot. Spent my restaurant time on my laptop lookiing up flights and car rentals in Vegas for a trip to the desert. i could go alone, and might, first i have to get well. Also, i don't think of myself as a senior, but i am. And i do look younger because i die my hair and try and keep in shape, but i do resent being treated like an old person.I imagine i didn't get much feed-back because most peole on this site are younger. And, i really think we need to rethink the rules. I just can't apply the same rules and codes of conduct to my life now that i had at 20 or 30 or 40 or 50. Chances are good i will be alone - so be it. I will fill up my time. And , i also have the inspiration of older widows, many of whom are now having a ball now that there husbands are not still around controlling them. I don't know even one who ever considered remarrying, and some were widowed before 50. And, they are living fun productve lives of traavel and tai chi. They are my inspiration. Onwaard and upward!!!

nofoollikean posted 11/18/2017 11:46 AM

OK - well now i feel stupid all over again. FWB isn't working because it isn't really sex that i want it's companionship, a partner. Now, I get to hear who this guy is interested in. Turns out one of the women he has been seeing is an old aquaintance of mine. I don't won't to hear about her. I still have no one to do things with because he and i are not having a relationship. He is out on the prowl. It's not working for me. I need to readjust my thinking again. Comments?

[This message edited by nofoollikean at 11:29 PM, November 19th (Sunday)]

Brentwood posted 11/18/2017 13:47 PM

FWB didnít work for me either. I really wanted it to because the benefits were the best I ever had plus he was spontaneous and in, we wound up at the airport at 4 a.m. after a night out and flew to Austin for three days of fun.

But at the end of the day, I was alone. I may have been beaming and glowing from the benefits, but he didnít want anything more than a casual relationship so I had to decide if the pleasure was worth the pain...and depending on the day and mood, my answer changed. I did decide though that I needed to stop seeing him because I wasnít living in reality and it was hurting me. I miss him terribly but have to accept what is. Heís actually harder to get over than my marriage

Being an older woman really sucks. I found Iím either invisible or looked at like Iím a dinosaur. Accepting that reality is the hardest of all. I really hope I meet the man of my dreams but Iím realizing the chances arenít good. Iíve always been an independent sort (military wife left alone for months) so I know what itís like to be alone and do things by myself but it doesnít mean I like it. Iím soooo glad I donít regularly have a manís pee on my toilet seat anymore, but I do get very lonely at times and wish I had a male partnerís shoulder to lay my head on. But since I donít see a genieís lamp in my future, wishing isnít gonna help...maybe a girlís trip to Vegas might though!

nofoollikean posted 11/18/2017 16:12 PM

Thanks so much for your feedback - it is so helpful. Has anyone else, young or older experience FWB? How did it work for you, or didn't it? thanks

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