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Pretend Reconciliation? Or am I just crazy?

BrokenPanda posted 11/14/2017 21:13 PM

Sorry... this will be kind of long.

I'd like to think that we're in a real reconciliation.. but I doesn't feel like I thought that it would. I thought that he'd be trying to communicate to me how he was feeling and trying to hang on to me for dear life... I thought that by now he would've have told me how much he regrets the EA because he almost lost me...

Instead.. things are back to how they were before, back to what I would've have called our normal happy relationship. He said that there is/was something wrong with our marriage... but never came to a conclusion on what and yet he seems happy with all of the rug sweeping that I'm doing. He stated that he thinks that the EA was an escape from all of our life stresses and sees the value in our relationship. Things seem better. He has talked about marriage counseling after the holidays and while I continue to go to my own IC he has stopped going to his. He states that he thinks he's good now.

I get that people make mistakes.. and we shouldn't constantly dangle them in their faces.. and I know that deep down he's sorry and that he just wants to forget what happened...or at least that what I think he's feeling..

He moved jobs. He deleted her from social media. He states that the my no longer have contact (although I have no way to confirm this).

I still feel lost. I know that I should be happy.. greatful even..that we're in this "reconciliation". That he's choosing us... but I just thought that it would be different.. feel different. I feel so uneasy.. how can it be so easy to cut someone out of your life that was apparently worth risking your marriage over? And have NO feelings about it? It seems too easy. I keep dwelling on the fact that he let her in.. on a deeper emotional level that he has ever let me in... why can't he let me in now? Why wasn't I valuable enough for this NOT to have happened. I'm terrified that he's just "settling" with me...

I can't bring it up.. and we don't talked about "it". When I try/do he automatically goes to the "oh my god *eyerolls*" and states that he knew that nothing would change if he left his job and started a new one. So here I am.. putting on a happy face so that he can heal from this.. he never asks me how I'm feeling.. or reassures me that he's happy with his decision. Things are just back to "normal". He tell me that he loves me and try's to make things better in his own compartmental kind of way... which is why I rugsweep. I'm taking this as the way that he deals with this and his own version of reconciliation.

Thanks for letting me vent... my mind is so heavy tonight and I'm thankful for SI as I feel better getting this off of my chest.

LostWillow posted 11/14/2017 21:32 PM

That's not really Reconciliation.

Because he wont build love not gain any trust.
You will never feel safe and never heal. It's a slow death of the relationship. And you will live in doubt and misery for years, it will impact on your health. And he will end up cheating and justify it by saying he tried but that you just could never get passed this.

You wont affair proof your marriage because you are not building a new marriage, not creating a strong bond, based on honestly being able to talk about the past your relationship and feelings.

He CANT roll his eyes when you want/ need to talk. He is doing what many WS do. Rugsweeping, which means: 1. He is still a cheater and will cheat again. 2: Avoiding the pain it causes him to admit and face the consequences of his actions.

BlueinStLou posted 11/14/2017 22:14 PM

I feel your pain. I've been in the same half ass R for forever.

And I decided today that I'm over it. Told WH that he hasn't bothered to do the stuff I asked. So I'm done.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/14/2017 23:14 PM

I don't think it is really R but it doesn't have to stay that way. I think it is more closely rugsweeping which is easier in the short run but devastating over time. I know.

I would suggest getting With a third party like a MC like you mentioned. He said he was willing to go so hold him to it. A few key things:

You do not want to go back normal. Normal led to
Cheating. You think he is sorry. I do not think he is truly remorseful from what you describe. Remorseful doesn't roll eyes. Remorseful doesn't throw in your face that he changed jobs because he cheated. That actually pisses me off on your behalf. There is no 'his' version of R, that is just rugsweeping. Please don't forget that you are the one giving a second chance. R is s gift from you. He is not doing his best. Ummm no. Otherwise, you would feel safer. He would more empathetic. He would put your needs first and answer your questions. Done accept less!

I want to speak on letting her in on a deeper emotional level. Do you know this or imagine it? I thought so too but In reality no. He cut her off like nothing at Dday. Not even emotional about it . My H has an intimacy issue period. He really couldn't offer her anything real because he didn't have it to give. He also 'escaped'. I suspect this may be the same for your H possibly. It took awhile to see this. Why do you think it is so painful to you? Because he doesn't give it to you. Right? Your value is not in question! His issues are.

EDarcy posted 11/15/2017 00:16 AM

BP,

Some good thoughts here already. But, just wanted to add one more.

What you describe, as your husband's behavior in the present, is a complete lack of empathy. Not only does such behavior prevent healing for you, it also a red flag. Why? Because lack of empathy is one of the components that allowed him to cheat in the first place. Lack of empathy allows one to dehumanize another.

Jesusismyanchor posted 11/15/2017 08:14 AM

Very good point Darcy. I agree and although my H was sorry and didn't want a D after Dday, this was a huge barrier for us but over the months we have pushed through it. My H was honestly so screwed up he had to open up and learn how to be empathetic and vulnerable with help. We did not start there!

I feel very strongly about this post because I was you 12 years ago. It was an EA that we rug swept. I learned to exist and push my feelings and doubts away because we had a newborn. The focus centered on that instead. However, a decade later my H had an LTA. We buried it but didn't fix it. Please don't do this. But, I think there is hope! With hard work over the last 10 months we are still struggling but healing and connecting and my H is really makingf progress. Our communication is so much better. I won't have it any other way! Stand firm in your needs. They are valid. He will push back most likely initially but you have a say.

Don't waste a decade feeling insecure and unsafe. Work on it now. Sometimes true R doesn't happen unless the BS refuses to live the same way.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:15 AM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

JulieMarie posted 11/15/2017 09:32 AM

Hello,
WW here. I'm sorry if I'm offending just giving you my side of it. I had an affair back in 2012. I did all the things your WW is doing except we never went into counseling at all. I blamed him when in reality it was my fault. After a few weeks or months of being hurt and him still bringing it up I would get fustrated. I would say things like"If you forgave me then you shouldn't bring it up" I had every intention of never cheating again but because I was convinced that I knew what it was like to be cheated on (my ex of 8 years back and forth RA's) I knew his pain. I DID NOT. I did not understand the depth of what I did to him. Cheating was a "norm" for me and once he hurt me with EA , I remember thinking in my mind "oh yea? Your gonna hurt me,I'll show you" That was my fucked up way of working on marriage problems. SI changed my life when I joined,well SI,IC and lots of books. I saw exactly what I did and all the pain I caused. What he is doing is 100 percent rugsweeping. Don't let him or he'll be like me (a repeat offender)and you'll be back here no doubt about it. Good luck to you.

moralhighground posted 11/15/2017 11:24 AM

You Are Not Crazy.

If you are crazy it's because he made you crazy by acting like something completely reasonable was crazy.

You can't make him care about your feelings. But you don't have to pretend to be okay. If I could offer any advice I would say that you need to expose him to other people who are going through what you are going through. With my WH in the beginning I just had to tell him myself. I would recount stories from SI and talk about how they made me feel. I would discuss what felt familiar to me and what felt different from me, for example, "Today I read about this person who had this and this happen, it was shocking how exactly it was like what you said to me. It has been x months and they are still together/divorcing/separated." And "Today I read about this WS who did this and this. THANK YOU for not doing that it sounds like a nightmare."

One day, he asked me a question.

And from that question grew a discussion that made me feel like maybe he actually cared how I feel in the wake of the affair! Now, in retrospect, it's amazing I put up with anything less. But fear makes you do crazy things.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't stop asking questions. If you want to know if he regrets the affair, just ask him. Make him think about it and how it has affected your lives. This isn't something you can just skip over eventually you will have to deal with these emotions somehow. Hopefully your WH wants to help you. And don't expect to feel grateful until he is doing his share to make you feel safe and appreciated and loved. You don't owe him anything for deciding he wanted you. If he wants you, he should figure out how to prove it to you.

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