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Moving far, far, far away....

SallyShrink81 posted 11/19/2017 21:46 PM

Co-parenting with a vulnerable cheating narcissist is awful. I have to see him which doesn稚 actually bother me so much anymore. Seeing him do things that aren稚 in our kids best interest bothers me. He can go away for the weekend with AP and do all sorts of fun things with her but not with our kiddos. Ironically even though I知 the parent with good boundaries who makes them eat their vegetables and read every night, I知 also the Disney parent as I took them to Disney last year and am taking them again in a few weeks.

My question comes in that I want to go back to school to get my PsyD in Psychology. There is a grad school in the area I could go to and am applying there but there are also schools in Colorado and Texas I知 very interested in. However I waiver back and forth between feeling motivated to go to get the hell away from XWH, his AP and his super dysfunctional family and being nervous about moving across the country with two young children and not being able to do it on my own. I知 worried I値l forget something major like looking for a good school district or I値l have a crisis with no friends/family around. I need to finish my applications in less than two weeks including taking the GRE.

What are others thoughts, opinions, experiences?

wildbananas posted 11/19/2017 22:29 PM

I moved to a different state (650 miles away) for a job a few years ago. Granted, my kids were older (my youngest was 11 at the time) but it's been the best thing I've ever done.

Hard? You bet. The first year was a huge challenge. I had no family here that I could fall back on. But I haven't had backup for years and years, so it really was no different for me. And ex-asshat was pretty much a ghost by then and gave permission for the move without a blink. It really made no difference in the bunch's lives at all. And I do have to say that emotionally, being that far away from ex-asshat was a bonus for me personally.

Things have a way of working out. I really believe that. Whatever you do, you'll find your way.

shakentocore posted 11/20/2017 05:30 AM

are there any geological restrictions on you or the boys? Sometimes a move triggers a change of custody.

If your decree makes moving ok for you, at least apply! Once you get in, grad programs and universities often have support groups for young families making a move (sometimes university sponsored, sometimes just a group of students or their spouses).
You may have to give up summer breaks with your kiddos. Then again, your XH may want his summers 吐ree

BrokenheartedUK posted 11/20/2017 06:35 AM

I put an ocean between me and my EX/Narcissist!! My kids are all teenagers, but I feel your angst. I'm not going to tell you that there are times that it's not completely wearying being the sole custodial parent, because it is. But I'm also going to tell you that I'm a much better parent on my own calling the shots then I ever was in my marriage and splitting the custody with my Ex.

It's an adjustment, for sure, being on your own, but you can do this because the truth is you're already doing it, it just feels like you have a safety net.

The sheer relief of not having to deal with my Ex in any kind of ongoing way and frankly just getting out from all the drama that has surrounded him has made it worth it.

You won't *forget* anything major. You know to look for a good school district and putting that at the top of your list is paramount. But building your own support network is doable. Through your academic commitments, the kids schools and friends parents, and whatever else you have regular contact with (I have made good friends at Crossfit) will help build that. My first priority once I decided to move, was getting the younger two into good high schools and then housing.

And pulling the trigger on the move will be a big moment but also hugely empowering.

undertherug posted 11/20/2017 06:57 AM

Baby steps. Take the GRE. See how well you do (I bet you nail it). Start some online research about school districts in the areas that interest you. Check out housing costs. Talk to your attorney about the ramifications of possibly moving your kids. I personally think it's exciting -- new degree, new place to live, new job opportunities. Do the research and then, with all available information in hand, you can make a decision. At the end of life (which in my 70's I am nearing) it's the things you didn't do that you will regret.

EvenKeel posted 11/20/2017 07:12 AM

My friend did this to get far, far, far away. While it did do that, her ex did take her back to court for modified visitation and got it (and them some). He gets every holiday and all the school breaks (her school goes year round).

While she does not regret it at all, it did pose new challenges. Like her ex could take her DD's cell phone so she was not allowed to text her mom (or anyone) whenever she wanted. Only at his allocated times. She said that was really tough not being able to check on her (or having her DD be able to text her if needed). He is a real control freak and that has not changed over the years. Even though the DD is now 16, he still does this. She isn't even allowed to go see her friends, etc.

I am not trying to sway you either directions, just wanted to let you know to think about how you might trade off one issue for a different issue you didn't even see coming.

SallyShrink81 posted 11/20/2017 13:29 PM

Thanks for all the replies!!

Yes I think I'm way too stuck in my head this morning. Things are going well in my little bubble right now which is triggering some self-sabotage tendencies. I need to breathe and meditate which I'm actually going to do in a minute.

As for custody it's 50/50 but I have a primary physical custody. I also have a ton of evidence against him if he tries to fight me in court, but I doubt he will. He's nearly 40 and still lives with his parents despite getting 32K from our D settlement. He works in retail so his schedule sucks. He goes on trips with AP a lot but doesn't take our kids anywhere. He's made some concerning comments about our kiddos that would definitely be used against him. I have documentation that he isn't doing everything he can to help our DD with her poor eating habits, etc. My lawyer doesn't think that taking them out of state will be a problem. I'm just getting stuck in the future details of it all.

I think (as I've been processing this ALL day) that I'm nervous about making such a big decision because there are other things that I'm worried about affecting that decision i.e. wanting a serious relationship and having another baby with said serious relationship.

I'm seeing my IC tomorrow and very very grateful for that!! I'm sure she'll tell me that my anxiety is working on overdrive and I need to learn to be more comfortable with not knowing. Ugh! Where's my star for adulting?!?!?!

shakentocore posted 11/20/2017 15:51 PM

More important than documenting about his poor parenting (which will be seen as 電ifferent unless your children are abused or denied care) is documenting EVERY time your XH misses time, returns he kids early, picks hem up late, is absent from school functions, doctors appointments, etc.

SallyShrink81 posted 11/20/2017 22:47 PM

Shakentocore yup. I have a calendar with all of that on it and more. Document document document.

My favorite is when he said our DD who was 5 looked like she had stripper glitter on. It was 吐airy dust from Disney World. 😒 and when he was talking about how stressful it is to live with his crazy NPD mother he said I need to get out of here or I知 going to kill myself, my mom, or the kids. 😳 yup it won稚 be any problem for me to get permission to take my kids out of state.

XWH wouldn稚 really kill him self or the kids he was just blowing off steam but totally not okay especially to your coparent who can barely stand you. 🙄

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