"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

CrossroadHusband posted 11/20/2017 14:04 PM

So my wife and I have been married for 8 years together for 10. We were 19 (me) and 20 (her).

Now the marriage has always been tough, her dad died when she was eight leaving her mom to raise 3 girls in relative poverty. Her mom gave her everything she could afford and refused to discipline her or provide her with much structure. The structure she did get was from family members and going to church. We are both Christians with the same beliefs and core values.

I knew she was going to have trouble adapting to being a wife. I come from a complete household with both parents still together and happy so I know what a good healthy functional marriage should look like.

in 2014 my wife and I moved a few states away with some job transfers to a new state and city. We were unhappy and had been married for 5 years at this point I thought moving her closer to her family would help to fix our relationship and make her happier. The area was rough and sort of poor with a crappy landlord. After a couple of months we moved back to where we had moved from with help from my parents. Fast forward a couple of months and I found out that she has been sexting a man twice my age that she worked with in the new city that we just moved away from.

I was devastated and it almost ended our marriage right there. After some help from our pastor in and some new boundaries we started the long road to healing.

Fast forward to 2017 and we had since bought a house with 2 acres of land, were seriously thinking about having kids and I was working in my field while finishing up the last of my college classes that I put on hold some years back. I was happy, I was content, our lives were put back together and we were on a great road.

Then I found out that she had started sexting two other men at her current job. The first one she said groped her multiple times at work and that she had since cut that relationship off. She would sext him and he would act on these sexts at work. Then she started sexting with another man after she said she "ended it" with the first man. Going by her account of everything this started at the end of July.

Her weight has always been a problem area for her, and high Cholesterol runs rampant in her family (its what killed her dad) and at 29 she had a bad cholesterol level of 400 and weighed almost 300lbs. We had fought about it ever since the beginning of the marriage (we always wanted kids and I said I thought with cholesterol that high she would die in child birth). So finally within the past year and a half she made real progress with losing weight. She dropped over 50lbs and was looking better. I told her she was looking better, that I knew she still had a road ahead of her but that I would support her through all of it.

I found out by logging into her facebook and checking her words with friends app. She had deleted the messages with these guys from her phone, but when you login on a computer the deleted messages are saved.

I moved back in with my parents and have talked to her a few times. I mentioned a polygraph test that I found and told her that I needed to know everything. She admitted to sexting the guy that felt her up.

She is extremely upset that I have moved back in with my parents she keeps begging me to come home and to work with her through marriage counseling and that she will give up her facebook, her smartphone, says I will know where she is at all times of the day ect.

I don't know what to do, I was truly happy the past two years of our marriage. Blissfully happy, she was losing weight, we were more intimate, we were more active and romantic.

I called our pastor and counseled with him, he told me that the decision is mine; however before I even consider marriage counseling with her that she needs counseling by herself to figure out why she feels the need to do these things.

I don't know if I can get over this betrayal again, but I love her, I care for her...but I don't know if she's sincere, it sounds like she is begging for counseling, telling me she'd change jobs, give up facebook.

Anyone else been in a similar situation as me? Forgive an emotional affair, and have it happen again?

GoldenR posted 11/20/2017 14:21 PM

Very sorry that this is happening to you.

Either route you choose will be rough. It appears that her interactions with these guys are all "harmless fantasy" in her mind, something that she thinks she knows she'd never act on. But it's a slippery slope, and given enough time, most ppl escalate to the physical side of things.

She's saying all the right things, offering the right things. It almost sounds like she's read up on a forum somewhere what she should be doing to help gain your trust back.

At this point, changing jobs won't do anything but give her a new pool of men to get involved with. Her behavior has to change. She desperately needs IC before she becomes anything even minutely resembling a safe partner.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:22 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

TrustGone posted 11/20/2017 14:23 PM

Welcome to SI. My first suggestion is to read in the Healing Library (Left corner, yellow box). It has a lot of information and is very helpful when starting this roller coaster ride you have been put on.

The main thing is to try and eat, stay hydrated (non-alcohol), sleep, and exercise. Also as far as Reconciliation vs Divorce I would say give yourself some time to process everything. In the meantime you can also see what she does to figure out why she thinks she needs this type validation. Just know it has nothing to do with you or anything you have done or not done. This is all her. (((HUGS))))

CrossroadHusband posted 11/20/2017 14:34 PM

Thank you for your replies.

I'm trying not to make a decision too quickly right now. It's hard, I have to get my own separate checking account and I have to continue to act like divorce is the only option I have.

I feel like I have to live with my parents right now to try and process this. We didn't separate the last time she had an emotional affair, but we didn't pursue counseling either.

I wonder if counseling can really make that much of a difference. Can individual counseling change someone so fundamentally selfish?

If it can then I may be willing to give this a shot, but I just don't know.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/20/2017 14:42 PM

Hello Crossroads,

Sorry you are here. I agree you need to continue to at least proceed like you are headed to divorce. Please protect your finances and see a lawyer to know your rights, especially since you own a home together. You don’t have to file — just know your options as knowledge is power. It will also reinforce that you are not joking— her behavior has been unacceptable.

She must get in to IC to understand her whys. She had a tough upbringing, but so do lots of people and they don’t violate their marriage vows.

You must stop and really think about what you want. You have no kids at this time, so you want to be sure of your path forward before you do have kids.

This sucks, and I am sorry you are here. Stay strong...

badmemory posted 11/20/2017 15:24 PM

OP,

You can't take her word that she didn't have sex with any of these men. It's just as likely that she did. You may never know for sure.

But one thing is clear. Your wife is now a serial cheater, you haven't been married that long, and you don't have children. That is a combination that would point to divorce as being your best option. Better that you decide to do it now, than after she cheats again; when you've invested additional years of your life and have children to consider.

Your WW is obviously very immature and not marriage material. There's no guarantee that IC is her cure. Sometimes a cheater is just a cheater. My advice is to cut bait and move on with your life.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:39 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

Marriagesucks posted 11/20/2017 15:38 PM

her dad died when she was eight

she has been sexting a man twice my age

Just from the top of my head it appears that she has self esteem issues along with some deep seated daddy issues. Definitely a canditate for IC. Sad to say I see that she's in dire need of a father figure rather than a husband at this stage of her life. I believe she perceives you as more of a father than a husband. I am not in the mental health field...just calling them the way I see them.

What I can tell you is you'll never be happy having to police your wife all the time to keep her from self-destructing.

I think the only way you can move forward with your wife (maybe) is to have her in IC, along with some very strong boundaries and be in a just kind of wait and see mode. Think long and hard before even considering having children with her. You have enough on your table now just dealing with your WW.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 3:44 PM, November 20th (Monday)]

Curious9 posted 11/20/2017 15:38 PM

I'm in agreement with BadMemory. Short marriage. No Children. Serial cheater. I doubt seriously if you gave her another chance it would be the last time you went through this. I stayed with a serial cheater for ten years.

I wont ever make that mistake again. I personally wished someone would have pulled my aside and beat me half to death until I listened to them on leaving her sooner.

You cant help her and you cant save her from her self. She is the only one that can come to terms with her problems and she has to be the driving force on changing who she is. I have never once in my life seen a serial cheater change. So I doubt seriously it will happen anytime soon.

I am sorry you are suffering.

harrybrown posted 11/20/2017 15:42 PM

if you are going to D, do not bother with the poly.

But if you want more information, then have her write out a timeline of all her affairs, and have her take a poly after you get the timeline.

But you do not have kids.

Sounds like the best thing to do is D.

Go NC with her and file for D. She will cheat again. She does it because she wants to cheat.

CrossroadHusband posted 11/21/2017 14:22 PM

Again thank all of you for your replies.

I have been in constant contact with her, last night I read aloud to her every sext message she sent to her AP. She broke down, slumped to the floor and cried.

She begged me to stay with her said that she would improve, stop being dishonest and be the wife I knew she could be.

I went back to my parents house and mulled over everything I read and what she said. She has signed up for personal therapy and I have a few people I think I need to contact to continue thinking.

Today has been a bit easier, a test at the school today and work seem to distract me enough to not let the thoughts endlessly swirl and consume me.

I still don't know what I want to do. She has agreed to NC, but with me not living in the house right now it gives her cart blanche to do whatever she wants.

I guess I just have to continue on as I have been, opened a new checking account yesterday and talk to some more people before I can know what to do. Been looking at counseling as well as how to proceed with a divorce. It's tough because I believe that she is sorry, I watched her crumple to the floor last night and beg me not to leave.

However I don't know if she can improve, I don't know if counseling will give her the necessary tools to cope as an adult woman in a relationship.

Another day down though, maybe things will clear up for me over a thanksgiving weekend.

Dismayed2012 posted 11/21/2017 14:47 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Counseling of any type never provides a guaranteed outcome. Her transformation depends solely upon her and how much she wants to change. Employing the tips and tricks in the Healing Library on this site helps to lead a cheater to a more hopeful outcome but again, there are no guarantees.

The real question has to do with what you're willing to invest in time and patience. Knowing that she's a mentally broken individual, is she worth your time and whatever effort you might have to expend on her? Is she worth the gamble? What are you going to lose if she goes off the hook again? Is that loss worth it?

You can mitigate physical loses with separate bank accounts, post-nuptial agreements, and other such things. The emotional side is where it's not quite so cut-and-dried.

Whatever you decide, everybody on this forum supports you. We may have differing opinions but the goal is to help you in whatever way we can.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 2:47 PM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

GuyInColorado posted 11/21/2017 14:50 PM

Consider yourself lucky and this is your out. You get to end the relationship and come out of it as the good guy. Do you know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes? Your "wife" is a serial cheater and she's obese to boot. What are you losing here?

Time to focus on YOU. You get in the most amazing shape of your life. Your new addiction is working out 5x a week and eating/drinking healthy 100% of the time. Go buy that new car you've been wanting. In 6 months, you will be a new man, with great confidence. The world will be yours and think of all of the amazing sex with sexy women awaits you.

Time to change your perspective. She gave you a gift by cheating on you multiple times. You are now free from her and can start over!

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 2:51 PM, November 21st (Tuesday)]

michzz posted 11/21/2017 14:58 PM

After what I've experienced in life, I have to say that there is really nothing so great in this woman worth staying with her for.

I'm being blunt on purpose.

Stay away from her, go no contact, formally separate and get ahold of your emotions.

Then work on yourself and divorce her.

Move on and find someone not emotionally wounded.

1Faith posted 11/21/2017 15:03 PM

telling me she'd change jobs, give up facebook

Her job or FB didn't cause her to cheat. She made that choice. That conscious choice. She knew it was wrong but did it anyway.

I agree with your pastor. She needs to figure out why she allowed herself to continually go down this path. You can't fix her, she has to want to be a better, stronger person.

We are both Christians with the same beliefs and core values.

That probably isn't the case as you valued your marriage vows and she did not. She purposely lied and cheated - regardless of religion - that is not any Christian core value I am aware of.

Her actions (seeking IC, etc) will convey if she is willing to do the hard work to prove she can be a safe partner for you.

Good luck.

harrybrown posted 11/21/2017 15:23 PM

she did this because she wanted to have the A.

She did not consider you or the consequences.

I think this is your out.

File for D. See if she can change after the D.

But she can be in line with the other ladies that want to date you.

JS84 posted 11/22/2017 13:25 PM

Being sorry isn't enough. I'm sure she was sorry the first time she cheated on you and how did that turn out in the end??

I do think you should go ahead with the polygraph. And I agree, whether you decide to R or D, you don't need to let her know what you're thinking in that regards. It kind of sounds like you guys rugswept the first instance of her cheating and she didn't face many, if any, consequences. So there was no real incentive to keep her from doing it again.

Also have you thought about cutting down on the contact? NC will probably make you feel a bit better, as well as give your wife a taste of what her future might look like. One without you in it. At this point there's not much of a reason for you guys to be constantly talking, especially if you moved out. Kind of defeats the purpose.

ISurvived7734 posted 11/22/2017 13:38 PM

However I don't know if she can improve, I don't know if counseling will give her the necessary tools to cope as an adult woman in a relationship.

This is tremendously insightful on your part. The sad part is that even if she can change, it's going to take a good long while and during that time you and your marriage will be collateral damage. I'm saying she is who she is and, while I'm sure she is sorry, she's a broken woman who shouldn't be in a committed relationship at this time.