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Barely married for 3 years

LifeRollrCoaster posted 11/20/2017 14:58 PM

I'm new here and like everyone else here I never thought I would end up on a website like this (but I am grateful for this site).

Amlost two months ago my husband told me he had a one night stand with a stranger while he was out of town with one of his guy friends on a short long weekend getaway trip. Before he started planning the trip I let him know that I disagreed with him leaving and it was a bad idea, but he insisted. I learned a long time ago that you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. He needed to change his mind on his own not because of my nagging or disapproval. So he went on the trip got drunk and had a one night stand.

Our kids were 3 months old and the second almost 2 years old at the time of the incident. Before confessing this "mistake" he was cold, very mean, called me names, wouldn't attend church with me,got high all the time, and didn't want to engage in relationship building conversations or activities with me. Now he's less aggressive with me, has stopped the name calling, goes to church, etc but I'm scared and I'm not convinced that he is actually a changed person. I feel lost and confused. How can he say he loves me when he chose to leave our marriage? We've barely been married for 3 years is this what I have to look forward to?

He has made steps in the right direction (going to church,not getting high, etc) but is this just to win me back? How will I know that his mindset has changed and he's ready to be loyal? Should I just move on? Our kids are still young I can create a more stable environment for them on my own.

H3LL0 posted 11/20/2017 15:49 PM

Such hard decisions. You are going to get alot of good advice. We all have been, are and some will be where you are. We all know the pain of infidelity and how it can rip a family apart.

You are still young and can make decisions for the future of your family. The gift of reconciliation is yours to give and cannot be demanded.

I chose to stay in my situation and it was pretty bad. I happen to have very strong beliefs regarding marriage and divorce. Did I make the right decision? I think only time will tell.

One thing to realize through this is that even though you've known him for at least 3 years, the infidelity threw your trust back to as though he was a purse thief. Yet you have such a close, deep history with him it is confusing your mind. Understand that lost trust cannot be regained, it can only be rebuilt. You cannot just start from here and expect it to come back. It must be rebirthed and started fresh.

This is where people advise for WH to get GPS on his phone and to enable it for you to see anytime. Show his call and chat records to you via some sort of parental software. He should call you anywhere he goes. It is usually recommended to change phone numbers, email addresses and block the person who they had the affair with. You would not be off to demand that.

Understand this is to ensure his relationship is severed AND to do whatever it takes to help you begin rebuilding trust.

You are also 2 months into this... you are on a long road to recovery with or without him... like 2-5 years long.

Make sure you're eating, sleeping and drinking properly. Take care of your body even when you don't feel like it. Consider herbal tea or Dr approved OTC sleep aid if you need. Don't talk or think about stressful things at least an hour before going to bed including eating. Emotions are worse when your body is tired and add to that your regular monthly cycle. Concentrate on your children. Consider taking up some sort of physical exercise to get rid of excess emotion.

You will receive alot more good advise to come from others. You aren't alone and you will make it through this.

TrustGone posted 11/20/2017 17:54 PM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry you had to be here. Please read in the Healing Library, upper left corner, yellow box. It has a lot of good information for the newly betrayed. You don't have to make a decision now. Please take your time to decide on what to do. (((HUGS)))

1Faith posted 11/21/2017 11:55 AM

Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to join. Sorry that you had to find us.

There are a lot of great and caring people here that will try to help when and where they can.

Each situation is unique but scarily similar too.

I am curious why your WH chose to tell you about the ONS?

Now is the time for you to define your boundaries, what you will and won't tolerate going forward and letting him know the consequences for treating you poorly and for cheating again.

Take back some of the power. Don't let him call all the shots.

He didn't make a "mistake" --- he made a choice. There is a difference.

Is he willing to go to IC (individual counseling)? Are you? It can be of great help navigating these waters.

How will I know that his mindset has changed and he's ready to be loyal?

Through consistent action. And time. Keep your eyes wide open and verify everything.

If you haven't already I would strongly recommend getting tested for STD's. Who knows what he has exposed you to. Don't take his word that he used a condom either. Remember cheaters lie...A LOT.

Keep posting and know that you can make it through this but your uncertainty and doubt are sadly part of your new normal and will be for some time.

(((hugs and prayers)))

Flutur posted 11/21/2017 14:31 PM

[This message edited by Flutur at 7:37 AM, November 24th (Friday)]

LifeRollrCoaster posted 11/21/2017 20:33 PM

@flutur girl it's been hard. I have an older woman that has been counseling me to help me process everything. She's been married for a long time, she's known my husband and his family for years and she was completely as shocked as I was. When I tell you it's not within his character to do something like this I mean honestly, I've known him for almost 5 years, we've been married for almost 3 years and I NEVER suspected that he would have sex with another woman.

Now our family is broken and I feel like I have all the pressure to ensure it remains stable whatever that looks like (staying or leaving). Like you, I took my ring off for a month. It's back on now but in all honesty I don't consider him to be my husband or a worthy husband.

I'm 100% with you when you say this experience for you was a wake up call and saved you from wasting more time with him. I'm wondering if this should be mine too. If I should just leave now before the offense is repeated.

I need help. Thanks for sharing your story. Are you guys reunited? If not how do you feel about your decision now?

LifeRollrCoaster posted 11/21/2017 20:34 PM

Thanks to everyone for the comments and support. It really helps

annb posted 11/23/2017 06:33 AM

Hi, Life, unfortunately none of us here in JFO thought it was in their character to cheat....until it was.

My WH used to call me at work almost every single day disgusted with his boss/secretary. It was extremely obvious they were having an affair.

My WH was disgusted UNTIL he ended up in the same situation, then he justified the A in his head.

Understand it will be his consistent ACTIONS for years that will help him become a safe partner again. Words are meaningless.

Right now do what makes you happy. Focus your attention on your children as well.

Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.

BTW, one of my boundaries would be no more weekend trips with the guys, and no socializing without you.

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