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New guy is a fwh

Daisy312 posted 11/21/2017 14:35 PM

So Iíve been seeing this guy for awhile and we are getting serious. He was very honest from the beginning that he had an a on his ex w. She never found out. He stayed in the marriage for a few years after ending the a An is now divorced. We never really discussed it until recently and he was very emotional. Said he regrets it more than anything in his life. She used to work in the same company as us, an he says she is not in his life now an wasnít for awhile before he met me. The thing is I have more questions and I donít know if I should press for the answers. I didnít ask because he had really opened up an said how awful it makes him feel when he thinks about it but now Iím curious. Should i ask or let it go? Iím a bit ocd with thoughts an idk if i will really be able to not ask but I also know that sometimes more details make it harder on me. As a fbs i am so afraid of being cheated on again an I think i need to know that he has cured his unhealthy way of dealing with life when times are tough, I also donít want him to regret sharing with me bc honestly if he hadnít told me, I never would have known!

Cheatee posted 11/21/2017 14:40 PM

I think your need for complete reassurance is warranted and understandable. Many XBSs would consider it a deal breaker, but I think a person who had really worked through their underlying issues behind their destructive behavior might be a good risk.

But again, I would advise you spend some time soul searching for what would constitute true healing from this man.

Good luck!

lieshurt posted 11/21/2017 14:53 PM

You absolutely should ask. If he hasn't done the work, then that's a huge problem.

Snapdragon posted 11/21/2017 15:03 PM

Geez, I'm sooOOOooo cynical these days! My first thought was that this statement from him was total manipulation to get you to shut up about the topic:

I didnít ask because he had really opened up an said how awful it makes him feel when he thinks about it but now Iím curious.

I really think you need to get your questions answered or they will continue to burn in you. They would certainly burn in me.

shakentocore posted 11/21/2017 15:13 PM

Unless HE has done the work to heal from what caused the A he is not a safe partner. Not everyone needs therapy, but self-reflection, reading about infidelity, etc.

I would ask him questions. If he is truly remorseful he should understand why you need to know he is safe and would answer your questions even if they made him uncomfortable. You do not want to rug sweep or be with a partner who does.

He should be able to articulate how he was broken and how that would not happen again. For example ďmy wife and I had drifted apart and I told myself this justified my having an A. I now realize that if a relationship is not working, it is my job to articulate my needs, put effort into the relationship to fix it, and if I am still not happy (or if my partner does not make any effort) to end things. But an A is not an option.Ē

SonyaR posted 11/21/2017 15:49 PM

I give him props for telling you. The easier thing to do would have been to lie and say he has never cheated before. I've had that happen and found out it's a lie. So good on him for fessing up...HOWEVER... I'm also a bit with Snapdragon. I'd be very careful he's not just trying to manipulate you into not bringing it up further because it makes HIM sad. If he's truly genuine and really likes you when you ask for further info he will understand.

I also agree with others that if he hasn't done the work he's not a partner you want to have. I'd want proof! lol.... I hope he has and I truly do hope he is a changed man. Good luck!

Daisy312 posted 11/21/2017 18:43 PM

Thank you everyone! I agree and will be asking more questions. It so scary being in a new relationship!!!

rosie437 posted 11/21/2017 20:47 PM

I agree with the others - ask for details!

Admittedly I am a cynic b/c my ex voluntarily tells women that he's an ex WH...uses it to make women feel sorry for him, plays himself as the victim. It's basically a pickup line for him now. ('It was such an awful mistake, my wife was so unforgiving, I am so remorseful, I learned so much, blah blah blah'). Spoiler alert- he cheated on the gf after me who fell for this line. Yeah...he learned how to use this to make women feel sorry for him.

So please ask questions, dig deep. I really don't want to believe most are as evil as my exWH but they're out there. Be careful.

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