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Spouses/Partners with Personality Disorders

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WornDown posted 2/13/2019 14:56 PM

ElZorro -

Probably one of the biggest revelations, for me, in how to deal with the ex was realizing I DIDN'T need to respond to all of her questions/attacks.

I just didn't need to respond to her at all.

Basically, NC as much as possible. (being 5h away helped)

It's a cycle: She antagonizes me to get a reaction. I react (mad, upset, whatever). She get's upset; accuses me of being the problem. I react again. Round and round we go.

Just realizing I could get off that merry-go-round by not reacting ("I'm sorry you feel that way" is the best response) was helpful. Communicating by text/email made this much, much easier, btw.

xhz700 posted 2/13/2019 15:01 PM

The Dr. is still hesitant to see us together but made an appointment for both of us next week. I am extremely anxious about it. I want very badly for it to help, but more likely it will end poorly.

I don't want to poison the well, but joint therapy with people with these disorders rarely goes well. In my case, my BPD ex just used everything said at the meeting as a bludgeon.

I hope it works better for you.

xhz700 posted 2/13/2019 15:02 PM

Probably one of the biggest revelations, for me, in how to deal with the ex was realizing I DIDN'T need to respond to all of her questions/attacks.

I just didn't need to respond to her at all.

Basically, NC as much as possible. (being 5h away helped)

It's a cycle: She antagonizes me to get a reaction. I react (mad, upset, whatever). She get's upset; accuses me of being the problem. I react again. Round and round we go.

Just realizing I could get off that merry-go-round by not reacting ("I'm sorry you feel that way" is the best response) was helpful. Communicating by text/email made this much, much easier, btw.

Worn Down pretty much has this nailed down. It's never going to be good, but it can get easier.

barcher144 posted 2/13/2019 15:29 PM

I don't want to poison the well, but joint therapy with people with these disorders rarely goes well. In my case, my BPD ex just used everything said at the meeting as a bludgeon.

This is my experience also. By the end of MC, the counselor basically fired us because I refused to accept STBXWW's claims that I was the cause of her affair.

Poppy704 posted 2/13/2019 16:26 PM

Xhz: Right now going to the Dr. alone is a good reason to berate me, so maybe I donít have anything to lose? I am at a bit of an impasse now with every healthy measure I try to take being met with a stepped up unhealthy response.

xhz700 posted 2/13/2019 16:41 PM

I am at a bit of an impasse now with every healthy measure I try to take being met with a stepped up unhealthy response.

I want you to know that I laughed at this, and I hope you aren't hurt by that. I laughed because you summed these disorders up better than I think I have ever seen anyone sum them up in a single sentence.

I don't remember your full story, but you are the WS I think? Either way, it doesn't matter, you are in a relationship with a burning building.

The only way you will get any peace is loving adoration forever. It isn't realistic. Every move that you've made or will make in a healthy direction will be met with an opposite reaction of greater magnitude. Each boundary will be met with an outcry.

The only way this gets better is him going to DBT for a long time. There is not a way to make a marriage work other than that, and even with DBT it's probably less than 50%.

WornDown posted 2/14/2019 08:21 AM

I am at a bit of an impasse now with every healthy measure I try to take being met with a stepped up unhealthy response.

I'm just going to reiterate what I said above:

Get off that merry-go-round

You can do it. You just have to choose to.

ElZorro posted 2/14/2019 08:37 AM

I have to say when I started listening to "Stop Walking On Eggshells" it said that this book was intended to be slowly digested and read in bits and not in one marathon listening session. I thought "Pft. Yeah whatever."

WOW. Just...WOW. I can barely listen to 30 minutes before I have to stop from the impact and information. It's like a ton of red flags/alarms are going off. This will definitely take some time, but it's definitely helped in easing the crazy-making.

barcher144 posted 2/14/2019 08:48 AM

It's like a ton of red flags/alarms are going off. This will definitely take some time, but it's definitely helped in easing the crazy-making.

Excellent. I started to recognize how awful my STBXW was in late October? Early November. I am still processing how bad she was for me.

Take your time... there is no hurry to understand all of this.

edited to add: I like to draw the analogy that understanding your spouse has a personality disorder is a lot like "seeing" the matrix in the movie The Matrix. Here are some quotes to ponder:

What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

The matrix is a system Neo, that system is our enemy.

I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

Nobody can be told what the matrix is, you have to see it for yourself.

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

And finally...
Welcome...To the real world.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:55 AM, February 14th (Thursday)]

WornDown posted 2/14/2019 12:29 PM

Wow. I never equated living with my ex to The Matrix, but...damn. Spot on.

I have said it was like living in this alternate universe that only I didn't know was alternate. Then, yes, one day (after moving 5h and not having the crazy in my life for a couple of weeks), I realized how much crazy/crisis was my life - all because of my ex.

I guess I finally took the red pill.

(And no - not the "hate all women" red pill. Just referencing the movie)

barcher144 posted 2/14/2019 14:04 PM

I guess I finally took the red pill.

(And no - not the "hate all women" red pill. Just referencing the movie)

Yes, I have the same thoughts... even to the point where I intentionally left out comments about the red pill because of the same sexist BS.

Speaking of which, according to one study that I read, men are twice as likely as women to have a personality disorder... so... yeah... not sexist.

Poppy704 posted 2/18/2019 15:10 PM

H wonít go to counselor tonight.

WornDown posted 2/19/2019 07:57 AM

So, Poppy -

What are YOU doing/going to do?

ElZorro posted 2/19/2019 08:27 AM

Thanks to the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" I can see my STBX is going in a 2-3 week pattern. Unfortunately her downward, depressive, anger filled spiral is coincides with the full moon.

Wish me luck as we go to do our taxes today.

barcher144 posted 2/19/2019 09:19 AM

Wish me luck as we go to do our taxes today.

Sorry to vent on your experience but that was a fun experience for me. I did them all by myself (like previous years) except that she initially refused to give me her W2 form. Then, she refused to give me her driver's license information because... I don't know why.

This weekend, she threw a temper tantrum because she needed to pay her credit cards and there wasn't enough money in the checking account. Apparently, I am supposed to leave enough money in the checking account at all times in case she feels like paying her bills of unknown amounts. I asked her a month ago to communicate to me when and how much her bills would be so that we could coordinate payment. She interpreted that to mean 24 hours of notice was sufficient, I guess. She has literally accused me of being selfish by paying all of "my bills" (they're all joint still bills, actually).

I hate my life sometimes. All I want is for her to divorce me and leave me alone.

Poppy704 posted 2/19/2019 09:19 AM

WornDown: I rescheduled for a solo appt. Dr. wasnít surprised. To some degree itís a relief. Hís behavior used to get very bad after seeing counselors. It also gets really really bad before I go to see my family. This week we would have had the counselor followed by me going to see my brand new niece. Now heíll only have one ďreasonĒ to rage.

barcher144 posted 2/19/2019 09:26 AM

Hís behavior used to get very bad after seeing counselors.

I would recommend that you avoid seeing a counselor with H. The two most common outcomes are H manipulates the counselor to take his side... or H gets mad because the counselor doesn't take his side.

Poppy704 posted 2/19/2019 09:50 AM

Barcher: Oh he will still punish me when I go to my regular solo appointments too. The hope was the joint session could be used to move him seeking solo treatment as well.

Literally every mental health pro he has ever met has keyed in on the NPD traits very quickly. Our first MC was quite concerned about what H would do to him personally when we stopped seeing him. So I donít worry very much about manipulation.

WornDown posted 2/19/2019 12:05 PM

Poppy -

Why are you still enduring this abuse (and it is abuse)?

Have you filed for divorce? If not, why not?

barcher144 posted 2/20/2019 09:21 AM

Why are you still enduring this abuse (and it is abuse)?

Have you filed for divorce? If not, why not?

Barcher: Oh he will still punish me when I go to my regular solo appointments too.

I agree with WornDown here. RUN. GET AWAY. WHATEVER IT TAKES!

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