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Gas Lite

liegenbrewer77 posted 1/13/2018 17:58 PM

Background, I am traveling to a city for a job interview. I emailed my Spouse to let her know that I was going to be traveling through:


Today I was informed that I was selected to interview for a position at XXXX. I am one of three Candidates to get this opportunity. I will be traveling starting tomorrow because I will be driving and my interview is on Tuesday. I was reaching out to you to see if you would be willing to meet with me late Saturday afternoon or Sunday? I would like an opportunity to talk to you, but I will not overstep your boundaries (which is email only). I would appreciate if you would tell me one way or another if you would be willing to meet. I hope you are, but if not I will understand.

I love you and hope that you are willing to at least talk as I pass through on my way to XXX.




I saw this email yesterday morning. I woke up from a dream about infidelity and when I looked at my phone, this email was waiting. I have thought a lot about my response. I cannot put into words how wracked with anxiety I am. I wish that we could meet. But I cannot. I feel, truly, like I am barely functioning as it is. I am sorry for my long silence, but I am just trying to hold everything together. I wish you well on your long drive. I hope that the roads are clear. We have had a lot of bad weather lately. Yesterday, there was a two hour snow delay. I also wish you luck on your interview.

Some of the questions you have posed have centered around taxes and counseling. I am fine filing jointly, as I think it will be financially advantageous. I do not have my W-2. I will find out what I need to do to get it. I do not want to do couples counseling. I feel like I have a lot of my own stuff to work on. In April I will have the ability to seek my own therapy. Right now I can't make it to XXX for appointments and there is no one in YYY that I am interested in seeing. The knowledge that I have been lied to and gaslit for, virtually, our entire marriage is overwhelming and disorienting. I am working through it as best I can.

I have received the packages you have sent--thank you. I still have some of your mail that came here during the deployment. I will get them in the mail soon.


---------- I am really hurt and confused ---------

I lied to my wife, and everyone else in my life for my over use of pornography. I am completely shocked and I feel like my soul and heart were dropped in Acid, if she believes that I was gaslighting her. I know that she is really hurt, and I am not trying to be defensive. I acknowledge that this is her reality. I just cannot seem to understand how she would believe that I gaslit her? Can someone help me to this just a feeling that all BS feel?

[This message edited by liegenbrewer77 at 6:00 PM, January 13th (Saturday)]

ChangeMe1 posted 1/13/2018 19:05 PM

I took a look at your other posts, it seems that you have been looking to other means to fulfil you sexual desires for some time. You also talked in one of your letters about a retreat where you told her that her lack of initiating was the reason you were disconnected from her.

If she felt for a time that you being withdrawn was due to her not initiating while it was due to you focusing on getting needs/desires met elsewhere then that would be gaslighting

Without knowing more of your history it's hard to say more than that.


Take a look and a hard think at your whole marriage, because I guarantee she is. Think about the times you fought, the times you told her in any way that she was the cause of any rift, think about how she may have felt that she wasn't doing enough, or she felt you thought she wasn't.

Did you/she have the feeling you were in a healthy happy fulfilling marriage? Is it possible she felt that it was not working as it should and shouldered the responsibility for it?

For her to then discover that through all that time you were getting needs met elsewhere, you were diverting energy you could have used to work on things, fix things. That is a form of gaslighting.

[This message edited by ChangeMe1 at 7:26 PM, January 13th, 2018 (Saturday)]

smokenfire posted 1/13/2018 20:36 PM

Your viewpoint is different from hers as you were the one keeping so many secrets and telling so many lies. In your mind, you were lying to protect her feelings and likely it appears as a white lie. Porn use was discouraged in my marriage because it led to really abusive behavior towards me. He too lied and lied in the face of proof and evidence.

You need to understand that this has caused her to question EVERYTHING you have ever said, done and even who you really are. It's unsettling at the least and damaging at best.

The lies, being called over sensitive, crazy, bitch etc is more damaging then the infelity. It's done to your face on a daily basis where you can literally see the damage it's doing and you chose to do it anyway.

I think you should watch videos on gas lighting on you tube. Particularly ones on healing from it. You need to really understand her position if you and your marriage is going to survive what you've done.

EvolvingSoul posted 1/14/2018 15:40 PM

Hi there liegenbrewer77,

I would not focus too much on the definition of "gas lighting" and how she used it in her email to you. Assigning specific meaning to that phrase as somehow being worse than lying to her and everyone else in your life is speculative at best and she might not have even been using it in the way you are thinking. Does it really matter? The heart of her email to you is that she is barely holding it together and does not feel as if she has the emotional strength to interact with you face to face right now.

I understand that it might feel easier for you now to focus on whether you did or did not technically gaslight her than to face the reality that your choices have made even being in your presence is too painful for her to bear. Instead of worrying about whether your behavior technically constituted gas lighting, perhaps focus instead on the behaviors themselves and how the thinking that you used to give yourself permission to go through with them got started. That way sanity lies.

I know you are hurting. You're going through one of the great trials of the human experience but know that you can rely on the people here for support, encouragement and a reality check when you need one. Hang in there, brother. Best to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

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