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A little bit of my story

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MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 11:58 AM

I would like to make a comment on the divorce issue. I do not believe your ďabsolute convictionĒ you would divorce if your husband had cheated.

I agree. But I can only go by my feelings now. Thatís why I said,
And letís be real, I have no clue what Iíd actually do

Of course my husband would have said the same thing is me and yet he didnít. So, who knows?

harrybrown posted 2/8/2018 12:07 PM

hope Mr. Walloped has a good day.

Do something for him this week, something special.

I really felt his pain when he left for a while and purchased something for you on his trip.

He could not forget you, but he lamented how you did not even think about him, and forgot him.

I often feel like plan B or C, because she chose someone else, when she could have chosen me.

Then I started listing some of my good things and my accomplishments. I will not be her plan B or C. Until I got sick, I was planning for a D. Now I will just wait it out. She will be surprised, when the life insurance and other assets have different beneficiaries.

She will still get plenty, but not as much.

There are some consequences for chosing someone else, when I was here all the time working.

Somebody had to work so she could go shopping, along with other plans.

Do make Mr. Walloped know that he is not forgotten now, and that he is not plan b or c.

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 12:50 PM

Hi nicenomore. Iím going to try and answer your questions.

Did you do anything sexually with OM that you hadnít Done for your H? If so how did he find peace with it? And as part of R have you made to a point to show H that going forward he is the man that will have experienced the deepest level of sexual adoration and intimacy with you? That nothing that was available to the OM is off the table for your H? Thatís you now go out of your way to ensure that youíre husband feels sexually desired By you?

Yes. I had anal sex with my AP. We did it a few times because he asked for it.

I never refused my husband though, he never wanted it. Neither of us were into it, and I only did it for my AP because he begged me to and it fed into my whole power play fantasy. I offered to do that with my husband but he turned me down. I think we might have tried it once since DDay, Iím not sure. But heís just not into it. I donít think heís found peace with my having sex with my AP, being intimate with him. In fact, one of the most intimate things I think I could do sexually is oral sex and I did that with my AP too. He has a hard time with that, I know. But heís been working on Acceptance. Not condoning what I did, but accepting that I did it.

Nothing is off the table for my husband as long as it stays between us. Once he was ready to have sex with me again and after we had gotten more comfortable with it, Iíd do a whole bunch of things to let him know I love him and desire him and want him. If I wear anything to bed at all itís something enticing. I keep a robe next to my bed in case one of the kids needs me because thereís no way I can leave the bedroom dressed like that! Talk about therapy! I initiate sex nearly all the time. I donít refuse him if he brings it up first unless Iím literally at deathís door. I bring up ideas to be more adventurous. Iíve sent him romantic love notes. For his past birthday, I took a bunch of index cards and made him a booklet of coupons. Get a free massage (by me), a get out of carpool free card, have me cook your favorite meal, things like that, and a whole bunch of the cards were about sex. An anything he wants card, a mid-day BJ, a role play night. And I tell him. All the time.

As for your OM, does your husband ever have the desire to punish him? did your husband ever desire hurting your AP? Or seeking vengeance?

He hates him. Put him down a lot, called him names, things like that. I think if he could kill my AP with no legal consequences, he would. So yes, the desire is there, but heís really focused his feelings on me. Weíve talked about my AP a lot and heís said many times that my AP didnít make any vows with him, I did. The only things I know he did was send my AP some kind of restraining order letter and also he called his wife and exposed what my AP was doing.

Have you given your husband any peace of mind financially? If he were to divorce you tomorrow how would you handle henfinacial aspect? Would you expect alimony? Would you divide assets in husband favor? Have you given him a post nup? What have you done To show him he wonít be financially punished for your choices?

I offered him a post-nup. He turned me down. I know a WW should be all contrite and say that I should be penniless and on the street but part of me thinks thatís also just silly. If he divorced me tomorrow Iíd expect him to be fair. And I know he would be. Weíve been married for 25 years. I gave him 5 children. Iíve been with him and supported him emotionally and took care of him for most of my life. I helped him through graduate school. I raised our family. No matter what I did I donít think I deserve to be on the street with no means to support myself. I donít know if thatís selfish of me or me just protecting myself. All I know is that I hope and pray every day that it wonít come to that.

I hope this helps.

Trying2copeinMD posted 2/8/2018 13:00 PM

Once again, I know it's been said by many, but damn, I sincerely appreciate the honesty. You've answered some pretty tough questions that were thrown your way. I'm sure that it hurts digging into those memories.

Thank you! I hope at the end, you find this as therapeutic as it is for us

midnightschild99 posted 2/8/2018 13:01 PM

Mrs W,

I hope these questions arenít upsetting and feel free to ignore them if they are:

1. You keep mentioning how you only used sex as a form of currency. Do you really believe this to be true? Did you not enjoy the act with AP and look forward to it again?

2. Do you think one of the big reasons your BH is staying with you is to not break up the family?

3. Do you think your relationship with your daughters has been altered in someway after they found out about the A?

Sanibelredfish posted 2/8/2018 13:03 PM

Welcome, Mrs. Walloped. As youíve already seen, many people know, and have high regard for, your H (I certainly do). I imagine that might be a little intimidating, but please donít let it dissuade you. I get the sense that youíll be similarly thought of once you are around a little longer.

Anyway, I think it is a good thing you are here and thinking about the next phase of healing yourself and the M. Other than a relatively brief, but devastating, period a few years ago, it sounds to me like youíve generally made good, thoughtful decisions on important matters throughout your life (despite your momís abusive nature). I hope you can use what youíve learned and will learn to protect your H, M, and self going forward and build a new M that rivals what you had before.

Good luck.

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 13:08 PM

I know Iím answering peopleís questions, but I just wanted to say thank you to all the WSís whoíve posted with messages of support. I was so scared to write my post and then to find out people already know my husband and what Iíve done and how it impacted him and my children. Every time I see another question about something personal with information about me and my life that they know because of my husband I guess, I donít mind, really, I donít, but itís a shock and I canít help but think what everyone must think of me knowing everything about me and what I did. So your messages of support and your notes that are written with caring and kindness mean so much. Thank you.

smokenfire posted 2/8/2018 13:25 PM

FOO issues matter absolutely, but they do not always lead to immoral or selfish behavior. I've known folks who were also raised by wolves who have never cheated. My life was impacted by my FOO issues, but I did know right from wrong, period.

OP did not say this of course - but this is closely related to the whole abuse excuse thing that is such the rage :(

Execellent post, btw, great self awarenewss :D

Go girl!

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 13:54 PM

Hi LostToOM.

How much do you feel they [my miscarriages] influenced your state of mind either physically or psychologically?

I canít say for sure, but I can tell you what Iíve learned. We didnít plan on having more children. We had 5 already so this was a happy accident! And then we found out it was twins! I think Walloped had a heart attack when we got that news! And then we got used to the idea and we started looking forward to having babies in the house again. We picked out names. We figured out how to rearrange rooms and sleeping arrangements. And then I started not feeling well and started bleeding had horrible cramps and we went to the doctor and he couldnít find one of the heartbeats. and he told me that my baby was gone. And then he told us the other heartbeat was very weak. I was put on bed rest and miscarried my baby the next day and the second baby a week later.

I can tell you we didnít really grieve properly. We put on a happy face for the kids (Godís will, everything happens for a reason). But I blamed myself for it. I was over 40. I shouldnít have been so active, I should have ate differently, and not run errands or lifted groceries. I also knew my husband blamed me (he didnít but I believed he did because I blamed me).

So it just was further ammunition that i wasnít good at anything, and I lost our babies, and I must not have deserved to have them in the first place. Emotionally, I was a mess.

My therapist told me that my hormones were likely completely out of whack afterwards also.

None of that is an excuse. Itís just part of what was going on in my life at the time.

Interesting that during your shower you knew you'd have sex with OM again. I think W was under the impression that you'd resolved not to- until it happened again.

Oh, I told myself I wouldnít. I hated myself when I went home that day and I was a complete mess. Have you ever told yourself youíre not going to do something you know is bad for you but you know youíll do it anyway? I told myself I wouldnít but in my heart I knew I would, which made me hate myself even more which made me want him to tell me I was good even more. I knew Iíd see him and heíd talk to me and say all the right things and that heíd want to have sex again and I knew Iíd give it to him.
How come you didn't select the name Walloper? Sorry- probably not funny.

Itís okay. I thought of a few different names, most dealing with hope and gratitude. But when I thought of what I was hopeful about and grateful for, it was that I am still the Mrs. to his Mr. So I chose this name. If I only knew the lack of anonymity it would mean! Bastard could have warned me!

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 14:06 PM

steadychevy, Thank you for your post. I hope mine hasnít triggered you.

To be honest I'm a little jealous.

I donít know that Iím someone to be jealous of. My husband perhaps, cause heís just an awesome guy but not me. Iíve learned a lot of things about myself and many of them are not very good. Iím sorry your wife didnít give you what you needed. Iím so sorry for your pain.

I know he wonít ever forget and neither will I. I think thatís the way it should be. I donít mean that we should dwell on it, but to always remember it and learn from it. Weíre not there yet but I have hope weíre working towards that.

Thanks again for your post.

TiredSoul2017 posted 2/8/2018 14:15 PM

I didnít make my bed one morning and my mother dumped the kitchen garbage on it since if I wasnít going to be clean and make my bed then I should sleep with the garbage.


Wow this hit home. When I was in maybe 4th or 5th grade my room was a bit messy. And by messy it was just kid messy. My father took all of the trash from the entire house and dumped it on my floor. Said "You want to live like a pig then here you go... you can live amongst the trash"

I had forgotten about that. I am literally shaking thinking about it.

sorry I will go on and read the rest of your post but this just reminded me of that.

nicenomore posted 2/8/2018 14:29 PM

Mrs.Walloped-

Iíd like to say a few things... I hope you donít mind. As I mentioned before, so much of you sounds like my ex wife that I felt compelled to pose the questions to you that I have long struggled with.

Iíd like to start by saying a part of me hates all WW. I donít mean you, in particular, just generally. I feel a general sense of anger and betrayal towards any wife that would cheat, and I know it is because of what I went through. I too read your husbands posts and identified a lot with what things that made him so upset. But I also know itís not fair to project my feelings on people who have never hurt me, you included, so please donít take that to mean you. I guess I just mean that that little part of me holds the grudge for things done to me years ago.

But the majority of me, the logical knows a good person when I see it. I somehow, maybe by association, see this in you, because of the similarities, in ALOT of ways, to my EX, and how she behaved during her affair, and after dday. I am genuinely grateful for your responses to my questions, as they help me tremendously to understand the mindset of my ex that I, in my searing pain, humiliation, emasculation, and rage, refused to open up to. So thank you.

The questions I asked you were the impetus for my actions to follow what my wife did. Iím ina wierd place, because as I mentioned, after my wifeís affair, I handled things poorly. I know that now. I realize we all have to own our actions, but a part of me also recognizes that what I find so upsetting about infidelity is the dishonesty and humiliation aspect. What I did wasnít kind, or empathetic, but I was forthright about my intentions. So I guess Iíll never feel like I was just as bad as what my wife blindsided me with. That being said, Iím not excusing what I did, because it wasnít right either.

Iíd like to share some thoughts with you, as both a BS then WS if itís ok.

As a BS , the hardest thing to accept was the sexual aspect of her affair. And similarly to you, she did things with AP that we didnít do much out of lack interest, BUT still felt like should have been mine to have alone. And the emasculation is what I felt strongest. Like inferiority, respect went to a competitor of mine. Itís like National Geographic, where two rams butt heads, and the winner gets the girl. It was the feeling I swam in after dday, that I had lost an another male bred my wife. Took what was mine, and that somehow I must be inferior. Only now can I reallly see that what she did had absolutely no bearing on who she really loved (me), and that her affair wasnít about me. But at the time I couldnít see that my shortcomings had nothing to do with her cheating. I was just like your H. Loved her to a fault, never a pushover, but never doubted her love. Her betrayal altered my view of liven permanently, and I acted in kind. But it was never my, or your Hs fault. You and I know that now, but freshly betrayed me did not.
As a pretty typical territorial male, it crushed my ego that my woman would dare sleep with someone else and I lost it.

So as a WS, I didnít concern myself with how my actions were towards my wife. I didnít set out to hurt her, I set out to re establish dominance against my competitor. As messed up as that sounds. I purposely took advantage of the chance to reciprocate the feeling of loss to her AP, by sleeping with his wife. And knowing what he did sexually with my wife, I did that and more with his. I wonít lie, it felt Amazing too, that another woman, other than my cheating whore of a wife (at the time) found me to be desirable after my wife disrespected me. So it felt like a double win. I could hurt the OM in a way nothing else would, dish him some revenge, re establish a ďwinĒ for team me, assert my dominance, and feel attractive after she emasculated me. My wife was merely an afterthought. Much like you, my wife was remorseful, and really, at her core was a good person. But at my stage in life, my maturity, my upbringing to never accept defeat, and my age at the time, I wasnít willing to overlook the bad to see the good. Didnít have assets, didnít have kids, or a long history, made it possible to disconnect easily.

I have a profound level of respect for your husband and how he has treated you, because I would have loved to be able to check my ego. It takes an incredible amount of gumption to do what he did, but I have to say reading his thread, there was no better WW candidate than you.

So the questions about sex, about revenge against the OP, and about money are all directly tied to my situation, and I am grateful for your input. I regret what I did to my wife after dday. I still do. I regret hurting her, and reacting with the consequences I did. Interestingly, I donít regret hurting the OM. Not one shred, and like your H, EVEN after taking the APs happy life and shooting it out back like old yeller, it only gave me justice, it never eliminated my pain.
And I agree, despite anger at a WW for cheating itís unreasonable for someone like you to be expected to be destitute and penniless, after raising 5 kids and supporting him for decades. Itís just a natural inclination for BS to feel doubly screwed in divorce, being cheated on then having to pay for it. And itís a reason why at the time, being young and financially relatively unintertwined, I chose to divorce because I didnít want to be in the position of having something to lose.

I have things to work on myself, as a WS, and I hope you donít mind my response to you here, bit of a ramble, but really wanted to say thank you for being as candid, and open to the questions as you are. It helps me greatly.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 2:34 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

steadychevy posted 2/8/2018 15:30 PM

I'm a little jealous of Walloped, MrsWalloped. Jealous because of your response upon discovery. I don't know if I could have R'd with my WW. Perhaps it was a deal breaker like I always thought before having to actually face it. I would have liked the opportunity to attempt R, I think. You will read on this board that what the WS does after discovery is very important. That is where my jealousy arises.

Just about everyone here has the opinion that adultery is a deal breaker until it happens. For some it absolutely is. I was one who thought it was and had told my WW so. When confronted with the reality of it I felt I wanted to attempt R. I wonder if that wouldn't be the case with you should Walloped commit adultery. I think he has proven he probably won't. Integrity, character and all of that.

Walloped has great strength and character. He has to have. As I said above, I wish both of you the best and healing. I must admit, though, my empathy lies with WSs like myself.

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 15:34 PM

LostToOM,

Your older sister apparently stood up for herself pretty forcefully against your father. You concentrated more on your mother. Was your sister's relationship with your mom akin to yours?

No way! She was the golden child. She could do no wrong. She was beautiful and smart and polite and well mannered. Itís funny, but my mother hated me and doted on her but my sister and I were always super close. My mother didnít get in between us.
You seemed to imply that the only reason you were involved in charity work was so people would think well of you. W compared you favorably to Mother Teresa. Don't you think sometimes you're a little TOO rough on yourself?

He did? Mother Teresa? No, not even close. Thatís like blasphemous!

It wasnít the only reason but itís a big part of what drives me. I get a high from helping others because it makes me feel good about myself and I need to feel good about myself because in the absence of that I donít. My default isnít neutral, itís that Iím bad. So I actively look for things to do to push those feelings aside. I was PMing with someone and he talked about me answering questions here as me taking on a role of a helper. Heís right. Part of me seeks those things out. I feel worthwhile when I do it. Like I matter. And I wrap myself up in those feelings. Theyíre my security blanket. That doesnít mean I shouldnít do it, but part of what Iíve learned is to acknowledge what I do and understand why I do it and then I evaluate if what Iím doing is a healthy thing or not. Posting here, my husband and I both think will be good for me, so I plan on doing it even though I get these artificial feelings of goodness from it.

Oh, and no. I donít think Iím too rough on myself.

pinkpggy,

Thank you! (((pinkpggy)))

Even right down to finding out you weren't the only affair partner. It always amazes me how many of the "special" relationships just are basically textbook affairs, nothing true, real or amazing.

Ugh. Even after my husband caught me I thought what we had was so special. I even called him to tell him that my husband knew and that it was over but heíll always be special to me. I canít believe what an idiot I was. The days when I found out that I was nothing to him but easy sex were all a blur, but I remember being so shocked. My husband was soooo angry and full of righteous rage and I believed my AP loved me and I found out he was still married and I was just another piece of ass and a notch on his belt. I felt like the biggest slut and whore (I was). I thought I was special. I needed to believe I was special and to find out that not only wasnít I special but that to him I was like gutter trash, I felt like my head was going to explode. I was so scared. I also remember being sooo angry at him, at myself, at life.

harrybrown,

Do make Mr. Walloped know that he is not forgotten now, and that he is not plan b or c.

He never was plan B or C. I never had any intention of leaving him. He even asked me about that when I took a polygraph test. But I understand your point and I try to make sure I let him know that heís my Plan A every day. I just hope that Iím his.

Hi midnightschild99.

You keep mentioning how you only used sex as a form of currency. Do you really believe this to be true? Did you not enjoy the act with AP and look forward to it again?

I didnít mean to downplay the sex. Iím sorry if it seemed that way. Yes I enjoyed it. Itís sex. It was fun and exciting. I was also playing a fantasy role of being this sexy and desirable woman who had this man begging me to do things to him and who wanted to do things to me. It was intoxicating. I donít know how graphic you want me to be but I had orgasms if that helps. Not every time, but enough. What I said about sex being a form of currency was that the sex itself wasnít my reason. It was a byproduct and a means to a different end. That doesnít mean I didnít enjoy it though or look forward to spending time with my AP and how weíd spend that time.
Do you think one of the big reasons your BH is staying with you is to not break up the family?

I think itís one of them. I wish I could say it was that he loved me so much that the thought of living without me is more than he could bear, but Iím not that naive. Iím sure finances were part of his thought process too. But heís also said that we have a very long history together. A life we made together. From an early age until now. He thought that meant something and wasnít willing to let it go without at least trying. But if we didnít have kids, I donít think weíd still be married.
Do you think your relationship with your daughters has been altered in someway after they found out about the A?

Definitely. How could it not? I was the perfect mother and wife. My having an affair completely shattered their view of me. My oldest was more understanding or accepting of me, but then again she was newly married and had her own life to live. My other two girls had a much harder time with it. They went to therapy for a pretty long while. And they hated me, especially when they thought we might get divorced. They blamed me for destroying our family (rightfully so) and I lost their respect. Iím not sure I understand the point of this question. Are you asking if doing what I did affects the people we love around us and not just ourselves and our spouses? Of course. It has repercussions that I never considered. My sister still loves me, but my BIL has been weird around us since DDay. He looks at me like heís thinking about the things I mustíve done. Itís gross. My husbandís brother has been a rock for him but has been more distant with me, like heís evaluating me and making sure Iím on track and not going to hurt his brother again. My SIL has been very kind to me and helpful, but I donít share with her. Iím not even going to talk about my parents or my MIL.

Sanibelredfish,

I imagine that might be a little intimidating,

Thatís an understatement!

And thank you.

CuckNo posted 2/8/2018 16:21 PM

Many of us who followed Walloped's story came to admire him very much. You have a great husband. I have to say that in the beginning, my feelings about you were quite different. But, as time went on and your efforts at reconciliation continued, I, and I suspect many others, came to admire you, also. Not for what you did, obviously, but for your courage and willingness to face what you did and to help your husband heal. I hope you both are blessed this day and for all days to come.

HellFire posted 2/8/2018 16:32 PM

MrsW...

While I can understand your embarrassment, I think there's something you should know.

Your husband is very well respected here. For the way he handled the aftermath of your affair. And for the advice he gives. I have seen many members reference your husband's posts as a guideline for new betrayed spouses. At the same time, I've also seen many members refer to your actions after dday, and the work you've done, plus the remorse you've shown, as the epitome of the former wayward that any betrayed spouse would be happy to have. Your husband has done such a great job of explaining everything you've done in the last few years, that you've become a positive example for all waywards here.

Also, while you may he embarrassed, it's really unnecessary. There's a lot of TMI, sexual details, etc,etc discussed here.

I think it's great that you're answering everyone's questions. It's obvious you're still doing the work. I wish you and your husband the very best.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:34 PM, February 8th (Thursday)]

Sharkman posted 2/8/2018 18:24 PM

OK Iíll be the blunt one, but done with respect.

I donít believe that you compartmentalized as you have said you did. Compartmentalizations leads to certain behaviors and one of those behaviors is not walking hand in hand in public.

I was not a member during the Walloped story but did lurk. I commented elsewhere this was traditional love affair where, when exposed, forces the betrayed to either fight or play it safe. I think that you decided to play it safe and am now lying about the level of compartmentalization that existed.

Again, I present this in the spirit of frank discourse to unearth underlying truth. I truly welcome being wrong

Fenderguy posted 2/8/2018 18:28 PM

Most people here don't seem to care too much about TMI, so share away at your heart's desire. If somebody is offended, too bad, they chose to read it. We're all adults, we all like sex to some degree, what's the big deal?

I don't have a whole lot to add, except to say that you fill me with a lot of hope for my own WW. If she turns out to do half as well as you have, I'll consider that a victory! Great thread, keep doing what you're doing!

I don't really want my wife to infiltrate/know about my SI world, but I do wish she could read your thread. Especially what you wrote about your current sex life with your H. To say I'm jealous is an understatement!

MrsWalloped posted 2/8/2018 20:22 PM

Hi Sharkman,

I commented elsewhere this was traditional love affair where, when exposed, forces the betrayed to either fight or play it safe. I think that you decided to play it safe and am now lying about the level of compartmentalization that existed.

I donít think I played it safe when my husband caught me. I didnít know what I was doing or what to do. I know I was in full fledged panic mode and I was scared out of my mind. I thought my husband was going to divorce me and that Iíd lose my kids. The only man I truly loved hated me and I had nowhere to turn. I know I tried to save myself and my marriage. I know I lied to my husband. I know I broke his No Contact rules more than once. But he asked me so many questions over and over again and I told the truth (except for about not calling my AP, but that was it).

A lot of what I said here are things Iíve learned about myself over 2 years worth of therapy. Am I lying? I donít know what purpose that would serve. But I donít think I am.

I donít want to make it sound like compartmentalizing meant that I never thought about my husband. I did. But not often. Thoughts of my family would interfere with what I was doing. Guilt maybe? I donít know, but I became very good at not thinking about him or them. And I held hands with my AP more than that time my BIL caught us. I held his hands in coffee shops and kissed him there too. I held onto his arm as we walked down the street many times. We were physical for three months. We once made out at a museum. I never thought twice about it. I just did it. when I was home I did not pine for my AP. I did look forward to seeing him though. We texted here and there but nothing explicit. I didnít compare my husband to him when we had sex and same with comparing him to my husband. I never saw him in the evenings or weekends or holidays. Only when I was ďvolunteeringĒ so I never had to make plans to meet up with him. I kept everything separate.

I donít know if that helps or just confirms that you think Iím lying. Either way, I guess.

I have a question for you, you said you posted elsewhere about me and my husband. Do you mean not on SI? Then where? Why would there be discussions about my husband and I somewhere else?

ThisGuy posted 2/8/2018 22:31 PM

Disclaimer: Hope this question is okay, apologies if you get triggered and please ignore it if it's too difficult to answer

I think it's admirable that you are taking the steps to examine your FOO issues and see how they had a bearing on your affair. Self-enlightenment is a positive, irrespective of whether you are a BS or WS.

But if we flip the script, your husband also had his share of issues growing up. Specifically his mother cheated on his father, which MrWalloped blames for his father's early death in his 40's. Given that (in MrWalloped's case), history has repeated itself with your affair, how do you reconcile this with the ongoing drive to continue the marriage?

Purely from a 3rd party perspective with no other context beyond his and your forum posts, it seems the best outcome for your husband would be to get a divorce.

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