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Married after 10 years into relationship. 6 months post marriage

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AffairofPast posted 3/5/2018 09:00 AM

She's manipulating you big time. Your M is supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. This A was ongoing while you were getting married.

Check her phone records, was she texting him during your honeymoon?

You can't have a M without trust. Even during this trial period, she needs to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH. Have her do a detailed time line. Listing all sex acts (from kissing to PIV), who knew or supported the A, when&where the PA activity occurred.

Tell her she has one chance at this. When she completes this, arrange a poly. Don't bluff, don't tell her ahead of time.

High chance she'll remember more in the parking lot, continue with the poly. Anyway.

Tell the OBS, it's the moral thing to do.

Don't have sex with her without a condom, highly likely she will trick you into getting her pregnant; not joking.

TimSC posted 3/5/2018 14:52 PM

My exwife and I were each other's first sexual partners.

When I found out that she had slept with another man (guy at her gym), I was destroyed. I lost weight, I got deeply depressed, I did not feel like getting out of bed. I lost my drive to succeed in life. My love for her began to fade.

She begged not to divorce, but that was the only thing that could make me feel better. Completely cut all responsibilities. Dated her after the divorce but never remarried.

No kids, and very young, you should get out. She has clearly shown you who she is and what she is capable of. Don't let the image of the woman you thought she was and wish her to be cloud the reality of the woman she is as shown by her actions.

Western posted 3/5/2018 18:23 PM

listen to the great Spaceghost. He handled his situation like 'the man'. You need to as well bro

paboy posted 3/16/2018 05:21 AM

um87. How are you and your wife progressing? Any updates?

paboy posted 4/30/2018 14:11 PM

((((um87)))

Encase you need a hug.

changeneeded posted 5/1/2018 12:21 PM

Yeah, could somebody bring Spaceghost thread up? I don't know how. I could sure use an inspiring kick in the butt today.

Michigan posted 5/1/2018 19:11 PM

Here you go:

Spaceghost

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

otter posted 5/1/2018 23:58 PM

Consult a lawyer am deathly make sure staying in marriage until jun/jul doesn't change anything in terms of settlement. She is working the situation hard, do all you can to figure out why. Think about what circumstances would of driven you to cheat and compare those to what motivated her. Then consider whether you are compatible or you need to find someone more like you. No kids, first relationship, not living together full time for very long is easier to leave than having children and 10 years under the same roof. Also use protection you can control because she may be motivated to get pregnant soon to get out from under this.

otter posted 5/2/2018 00:00 AM

I hate typing on tiny phone, 'am deathly' was meant to be 'and definitely'

SI Staff posted 11/21/2018 05:47 AM

Bump

Robert22205https posted 11/21/2018 07:42 AM

Move her to another apartment. Everything you do now should be for your benefit...and delay is not to your benefit.

Under the circumstances (her behavior & lies both current & past - and no kids) D is your best option ... Plus you don't want this person to be the mother of your children.

She's delaying in order to spin a story that you're having marital problems ... and she will totally deny her LT affair.

Serve her with D and start the clock. Maybe have lunch once a week with her if you think it's warranted.

um87 posted 11/30/2018 00:32 AM

Hello,
Firstly, I want to thank you all for your support and guidance. I would also like to thank from the bottom of my heart to the moderators and the owners for having such a wonderful support system running.

I have not been very active on the posting front but have been reading a lot. A lot of you had been asking about our religion. Let me clear that religion has got nothing to do. Religions involved are Hinduism/Jainism.

I was very upset and depressed in the initial 8-10 months. I lost interest in everything. I was also thinking a times of committing suicide. I suffered some financial losses also during the tenure due to not concentrating in my work making some stupid decisions. It was like, i wanted to myself- destroy myself.

It is close to an year now and feel much stable and stronger. My D day was in December 2017. We have been living together till date.

The thought that she was cheating/two timing on me from last 2 years at-least and continued even after marriage makes me repel her and wonder how can a person be so so bad inside and how can i be such a fool to have taken so long to discover the infidelity.

So now i feel completely detached to her and least bothered about her. I have no interest in her conversations, her day, talking to her or any intimacy. I don't like having any physical contact with her and no way i am having a baby with her, even if i am compelled to spend all my life with her.

She tries to initiate things and pretends that the worst is over and we are back to normal. According to her it was just one mistake that she made and i should forgive her, as everyone makes mistake and i am inhuman/harsh for not forgiving her and treating her since then like roommate/flatmate and not like a wife. The way i see it is- any mistake would have been fine but breaking the trust(sleeping with someone else) is unacceptable to me. And no matter how hard i try, i am not able to overlook it.

Nine- ten months after the D day i was sure i don't want to continue with her and want a divorce and get her out of my life. I talked to her regarding the same but she says she is ready for anything but she won't divorce (due to the bad name/society/parents etc - partly true) Single divorced woman after having a love(70 percent marriages are arranged in our country) marriage and going against the parents would be really hard for her. So she would contest if i file for divorce and it won't be a mutual divorce. And she might even commit suicide if i put more pressure on her, as she won't be able to live with the shame/embarrassment of the affair if her parents,friends and family find it out.

I am in Asia and due to the way things are here and due to social/society pressure it is not possible for us to live separately.

Also i talked to a lawyer and a contested divorce here takes normally 5 years minimum as laws here are very biased/protective towards women.

So you see i am stuck so am looking for guidance and your thoughts on the matter.

Thanks for reading it out. Regards.

[This message edited by um87 at 12:51 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

Butforthegrace posted 11/30/2018 05:26 AM

Wow, that is super complicated.

I personally think you ought to inform the BOW of the other man. If he is married, he was similarly two-timing on her. Since I'm not familiar with your culture, I don't know what kind of impact that might have, but in general I think it's the decent, human thing to do. If the roles were reversed and she informed you, I think you'd be grateful for a stranger giving you this truth.

If you really feel that, because of the structure of your nation's laws and your culture's unspoken cultural rules, you are stuck with her for life as a W, you are in a pickle. I understand why you cannot love her and do not want children with her. It reminds me of the "old days" in heavily Catholic nations where people married for life because divorce was illegal.

At the very least, I think you should be transparent with her about your feelings. If she was your first and only, but you were not her only because of this other man, I can understand your resentment.

Robert22205https posted 11/30/2018 07:49 AM

Inform her that she can either not contest D ...or you will inform her family that she committed adultery.

Save your evidence of her adultery.

Start the 5 year clock ticking asap.

Investigate whether you can fly to another jurisdiction and get a D quicker?


Tron posted 11/30/2018 14:08 PM

Inform her that she can either not contest D ...or you will inform her family that she committed adultery.

Save your evidence of her adultery.

Start the 5 year clock ticking asap.

Investigate whether you can fly to another jurisdiction and get a D quicker?

This!

Don't feel compelled to stay with her. Tell her the divorce will be happening either way.

Nine- ten months after the D day i was sure i don't want to continue with her and want a divorce and get her out of my life. I talked to her regarding the same but she says she is ready for anything but she won't divorce (due to the bad name/society/parents etc - partly true) Single divorced woman after having a love(70 percent marriages are arranged in our country) marriage and going against the parents would be really hard for her. So she would contest if i file for divorce and it won't be a mutual divorce. And she might even commit suicide if i put more pressure on her, as she won't be able to live with the shame/embarrassment of the affair if her parents,friends and family find it out.

As far as her shame and embarrassment, perhaps she shouldn't have cheated on you. She brought this upon herself. You had nothing to do with it.

[This message edited by Tron at 4:56 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

Buster123 posted 11/30/2018 16:37 PM

but she won't divorce (due to the bad name/society/parents etc - partly true) Single divorced woman after having a love(70 percent marriages are arranged in our country) marriage and going against the parents would be really hard for her. So she would contest if i file for divorce and it won't be a mutual divorce. And she might even commit suicide if i put more pressure on her, as she won't be able to live with the shame/embarrassment of the affair if her parents,friends and family find it out.

She didn't feel that worry about any of that when she was having sex with OM, so don't take that crap and file, if you file now in 5 years you'll be free or D in another country to make it faster.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:37 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

mighost posted 11/30/2018 17:38 PM

Hi bro, fellow Indian here...I know contest divorce sucks in country..On top of that the court announced adultery is not a crime anymore..You are in your 30s..As you said earlier having kid with her is terrible idea.. Inter religion marriage, getting parents permission, convincing them..etc..I know how hard it is..I lived through with this shit.
My advice is start documenting her affair details by asking her a written timeline or recorded confession..Make her confess her deeds to the person's you want to know..Frankly tell her about your feelings..I guess you haven't shared anything with your friends or parents because of the humiliation..I think this is where you are doing things wrong..Confide with closest friends who has your back..There will be a time to tell your parents..Don't be ashamed about any of it..Because none of it is your fault. She had been cheating well before your marriage. You are just 31.Dont set up a miserable life situation for your thirties..Find a way to make it happy..There are millions of faithful women out there.

um87 posted 12/2/2018 07:16 AM

Thank you for your replies.

The law is same through out(does not differ by state here) the country.

Seems moving to another country is the only option to resolve it quickly. Will research on options.

[This message edited by um87 at 7:17 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

RubixCubed posted 12/2/2018 08:04 AM

Um87,

Don't believe the "it was just one mistake" line from her. What she did was NOT a mistake. It was thousands of calculated decisions where she chose her entitlement over you. Every time she texted him, called him, decided to go on a date, decided to hang out, decided to sleep with him, etc. was done through her decision making. It was no mistake.

The threat of suicide is more manipulation to control you to her advantage. She's been manipulating you for a long time, it won't stop.

You're young, do yourself a favor and start the divorce proceedings while you still have the rest of your life ahead of you. There is absolutely NO reason worth making the rest of your life loveless and miserable.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 8:06 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 12/2/2018 15:29 PM

Look into getting a 'quickie' divorce in another country. Check out Guam and the Dominican Republic.

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