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My Detaching Guide

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

Chili posted 4/13/2018 11:07 AM

Would I get to wear a warlock-ish velvety cloak or anything? If so, feel free to nominate me to the uhh...uhhh....council?

Your words are kind - JFO/General have always seemed to get a lot of attention (especially the unfolding story lines of JFO), but the struggles of people in D/S are really particular I think. That's where I did most of my healing when I was here. Definitely out of the drama - but into some really hard realities. So I try and hang out here most.

[This message edited by Chili at 7:41 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

BarbsMarbs posted 4/13/2018 12:29 PM

Thank you so much Chilli. I really needed this a long while ago but I was just thrashing round in the dark, bleak space of betrayal. The papers went to the courts today. WH and I agreed to go NC. It's a year since DDay. I've done everything wrong, gone against all the advice and still ended up getting divorced. I'm going to copy your quote and use it on my phone. I spent too long trying to diagnose and fix. I was afraid for him because our kids loved him so much...but he was far from the man we knew. Your words are true and I have laughed out loud and cried during your post. There's still time to reclaim 2018. X

minusone posted 4/15/2018 18:41 PM

Great post.... deserves a re read.

Thank you!

litost posted 4/16/2018 01:41 AM

Thank you, Chili. This post helped me on a really hard day. All the best.

ohforanewme posted 4/23/2018 05:31 AM

Bump because we have had a few "new joiners" over the past week and I found this so useful.

Chili posted 5/20/2018 11:48 AM

Bump by request.

Honestgirl posted 5/20/2018 20:47 PM

Thanks Chili and all the rest who took the time to send me a reply. Detaching actually feels really good.
Peace

de.va.sta.ted posted 5/22/2018 19:21 PM

bumping so it stays on first page, good for me to read, thank you Chili for posting.

kitty02ckb posted 5/28/2018 13:22 PM

Chili. I think I need to read THIS daily for a while!

CornflakeGirl posted 5/29/2018 10:05 AM

Chili, thanks for posting. Detaching was the most important thing I have ever done for myself and my children. I am able to parallel parent now with a level head. I never lose my cool with my ex even though he is a douche canoe.

I am happy now because I'll never let somebody project their shitty behavior onto me ever again.

Detaching also leads to choosing a good partner in the future if you are so inclined because you will love yourself and make a good choice!

CornflakeGirl posted 5/29/2018 10:05 AM

Chili, thanks for posting. Detaching was the most important thing I have ever done for myself and my children. I am able to parallel parent now with a level head. I never lose my cool with my ex even though he is a douche canoe.

I am happy now because I'll never let somebody project their shitty behavior onto me ever again.

Detaching also leads to choosing a good partner in the future if you are so inclined because you will love yourself and make a good choice!

Chili posted 7/5/2018 21:32 PM

Bump by request

Redhill posted 7/5/2018 21:52 PM

I find what I need to get through the day in unexpected ways. Logged in tonight to find it, thank you.

Dragonfly123 posted 7/8/2018 02:00 AM

Chilli read this back in in the very early stages and took so much from it. Have just reread it now and making note of different advice now. So in the last two months I'm clearly making progress in 'detaching' myself from the cheater in my life. I can now manage NC, I no longer try to diagnose him, I have amazingly supportive friends and family (including my wonderful inlaws), I'm rediscovering myself and boy can I list his faults and failings in the marriage. BUT I think the most difficult part for me and maybe the last vestiges of attachment is dwelling on what he's thinking and feeling. When I stop doing that I can truly say I'm in the nivana state of 'meh'.

Thank you again Chilli, it's posts like this that I come back too on a blue day!

Chili posted 8/21/2018 10:42 AM

Bumping by request

Lawyerman posted 8/21/2018 12:00 PM

Chili. Do you write? I would buy any book you wrote. Especially if the title was 'Assclown'.

ninon posted 8/21/2018 12:29 PM

TYSM--I needed to reread this. Chili: Can you speak to how you worked with the most difficult parts of this path? Like, the times when doubt and grief screamed at you (I am fine when I'm angry...)? I am 9 months out and last night found myself in more pain than I'd been in since early, early days.

[This message edited by ninon at 2:15 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

litost posted 8/25/2018 18:48 PM

Thank you, Chili, for all the effort you put into helping people around here. It's like flickers of lights coming back on.

Chili posted 8/25/2018 22:13 PM

Hey Ninon:

Sorry - I just saw your question from a few days ago.

The 6-9 month time period was difficult for me as well. It was like I had everything lined up logistically to move on and had taken huge steps, but other parts weren't catching up the way I wanted them to.

It was almost like the "real" reality was setting in.

I worked very hard with my IC to come up with ways to retrain my brain and how I was going to write the narrative of this trauma. The pain and grief of someone doing what they did was so...intense sometimes. What I slowly started to do included finding new mantras that focused on me and my future. I gave myself permission to be selfish. In all kinds of good ways. That was first. A bit of a fuck 'em attitude.

And then, I had to figure out what I could take from this experience and use in a positive way. I think I'm a healthier and "better" person on the other side of that mess and it was extremely important for me to learn to see that. I'm a real listener. I have even deeper empathy. I'm a better friend. I think I can help people going through infidelity in ways that most others can't. I recognize and appreciate genuine love of all kinds. And I know that whatever life decides to bat me around with the next time, I'll be even more prepared.

See - being able to take from it and become a more powerful Chili on the other side ultimately weakened any power that experience had to take me out at the knees.

And I'm really not trying to be flip when I say it takes time. I'll also say it takes practice. Lots of practice to put *it* (the affair, him, the pain, the grief), in its right place. But that's the ultimate goal of detaching and healing I think.

I'm not sure if I'm answering your question very well...but I think the stage you're going through is so very expected. Hang in there ninon.

ninon posted 8/25/2018 23:13 PM

Chili,

Thank you for your reply. It means so much that you and other survivors visit the board, and share your experiences healing and rebuilding. The narrative aspect of this is perhaps the hardest for me. SBTX exploited his knowledge of my deepest fears and vulnerabilities to not only discard me, but to declare me fundamentally disposable. I, too, am working with my therapist on this. Can I ask what your 'selfish'/'fuck you' period looked like? I am doing a lot of self-care stuff, but still feel mostly lonely and bereft when my son isn't with me.

Thanks again!

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