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My Detaching Guide

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Chili posted 8/26/2018 12:37 PM

Well the "fuck 'em" period was about putting myself first. Focusing my energy and emotions on me. Turning inward and re-learning to be comfortable in my own skin. And most importantly learning to be comfortable alone.

It looked like:

1. Not running around taking care of everyone else all the time. Or making everything right for everyone else.
2. Learning to say no to things that didn't support my own healing.
3. Turning off the phone and taking breaks to just sit with myself and do whatever - meditate, play in the garden, read, take a bath, listen to music - whatever.
4. Taking care of all of my responsibilities, but putting my own healing first.
5. Again taking care of all my responsibilities, but giving myself permission to spend my own money on me. Travel. Massages. A new kitchen. A puppy. New clothes. Some new furniture.
5. And also at the same time - working on all those things I wrote about detaching.

Putting myself first was something I had to relearn. It didn't feel right or natural on the heels of that relationship. He had drummed into me that my shit never really counted. And then showed me that in glorious fashion with the affair mess. That's a difficult pattern to break.

So yeah, a dose of "selfish" fuck 'em was definitely in order. Just one more way to reclaim my strength.

ninon posted 8/27/2018 23:42 PM

Thank you so much, Chili--this is really helpful.

WhoTheBleep posted 8/28/2018 05:26 AM

Chili, your "fuck em" period post ^^^ is fantastic. That's what I'm working on right now. It's hard to shift your brain to do that when you've been villainized for so long. But the more we detach, and the less WS's are in our ears, the easier it is.

I used to feel self-conscious and guilty any time I even thought about doing anything for myself. Now I see that doing for ourselves is critical not only to healing, but to filling us up enough to be able to truly give to others.

My friends have really noticed the change in me. I'm feeling more ME every single day.

ohforanewme posted 10/22/2018 01:41 AM

Bump for some new friends

ninon posted 10/22/2018 23:18 PM

Thank you Ohfor! We have not "met," but I look for you here and am praying for you and your family.

Chili, if you see this, can you say more about your mantras? Sorry, I'm always returning to this thread and emerging with new questions.

Chili posted 10/23/2018 21:51 PM

Hey ninon. Haven't been able to be here for any decent blocks of time the past few weeks, but saw your mantra question this evening.

So most of my mantras were about shifting my internal loop of thoughts into things that promoted my healing and empowerment. (I'm sure I don't need to tell you about the beautiful crap that had taken up residence in my head).

One I came up with that I still use ALL the time when life hits you with things to ruminate about or be anxious over is something like:

"What can I actually do about ______ tonight while I'm trying to sleep or today while I'm trying to work. Can I fix it, solve it, have it make sense or make it all better right this second? No? Then I give myself permission to hit pause and let it go out of my mind. I won't obsessively replay this unproductive loop over and over. It's not healthy."

Some other favorites of mine:

I am the decider now.

I am enough for me.

I trust myself to take good care of myself from now on.

I get to create my own reality.

Also: see my tagline about leap of faith.

It might sound a little new agey to some, but my girlfriend sent me a box of power thought cards. I kept them by my bed and took one out every morning to give me a new little "thought goal/affirmation" of the day. I really liked having those suckers around. They were a good antidote to my mornings of waking up pissed off at everything.

How are things for you these days ninon?

Cookienomore2 posted 10/23/2018 22:26 PM

I. Needed this , Iíve got to.

ninon posted 10/24/2018 19:38 PM

Thanks so much, Chili - these are extremely helpful. I was raised in a superstitious family that was focused on not tempting fate rather than affirmations, so formulating--and believing--positive mantras is going to take some practice. I'll pm you a quick update so I don't derail the thread!

[This message edited by ninon at 8:03 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

Imok3266 posted 11/25/2018 08:13 AM

Needed this today- and possibly every day. Thank you Chili.

Istayed posted 11/25/2018 08:47 AM

Thanks! I needed this. Iím sure Iíll read it again and again in the days to come.

KarenDC posted 11/25/2018 20:51 PM

Thank you for your time to post this...really needed this tonight!

Emotionalhell posted 11/26/2018 05:57 AM

Thank you great post.

zengirl21 posted 11/26/2018 06:53 AM

Great post, thank you!

Thisfknsux posted 11/28/2018 16:42 PM

Chili, thank you for the wonderfully helpful post. I like the idea given by others so I've copied this onto my phone where i can easily access it on a regular basis.

Charlie99 posted 11/30/2018 15:33 PM

This, just This! Thank you so much.

You have no idea how much I needed this Today.

squid posted 11/30/2018 17:17 PM

Haven't been here for a minute. But I'm glad I stopped by.

Zamboni posted 12/1/2018 23:57 PM

This post is everything.

Thank you Chili for your wisdom. 💗

ImSoLost posted 12/2/2018 00:34 AM

I like the "my decisions are my own" I had thought I never really restricted myself. After reflection I find I was never told the whole truth, I was wanted at home, known where I was even then she left after an hour. She was livid if I went to a friends, because that friend saw something I didn't (How I regret not listening to her now)

Im curious what its going to feel like on my own, not having to please who I'm with. Im very scared of the future, but these steps help me.

Sadly, I work in medicine so diagnosing helped a LOT. NPD is something Ive run into a bit, it helped me understand a strong point that THIS, THIS PERSON who is in front of me, this is who they are. She was changing just enough to keep a marriage going, but who they ARE their core personality is a cheater and selfish with significant impulse control.

I know to keep her in my life is to invite this again at some point, its not a matter of if, but when.

Thank you for this guide.

Chili posted 12/2/2018 19:45 PM

Hey ImSoLost:

Just wanted to reply to your post since a few people have asked me what I mean by not diagnosing.

Certainly, in a real practical way it can be helpful. Absolutely if you're trying to have a successful relationship with this person. And also as a framework of how to protect yourself as you are ending it. All valuable stuff.

But once you've made the decision to truly be done with this marriage....As in done done no chance at all...then you have to let it go. Their three-letter or any other diagnosis is now 100% theirs to deal with, not yours. See, in my case, I was desperate to find something, anything, that would explain how *this mess* could have happened. Ah-ha! It was because he was ______. And in the end, it just didn't matter. I could have wasted months and months trying to figure out what made him tick. But why? He wasn't owning his shit. He wasn't trying to figure it out. I was the only one thinking about his damn issues. And why should I spend any more valuable time or mindspace on his shit? It was time for me to focus on me.

That's what I'm trying to get at with detaching and not diagnosing. You can spend a huge amount of time in that place and it really doesn't help you in your own healing to linger there for too long.

squid posted 12/18/2018 07:57 AM

Bumping for LivingANghtmre

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