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Lazarus posted 3/13/2018 18:31 PM

Is this a thing? WW and I are going to sit down and go over expectations/boundaries again later this week, kind of a contract of sorts. We did this right around dday, but I was flying by the seat of my pants at the time. Thought it was time to clarify things and make sure we're on the same page.

Anyways, I was thinking of asking her to write an apology to OBS. I was also thinking of not actually sending it because I'm not sure how it would be received or if it would cause further harm, but I thought it would be a good exercise for WW to reflect on her actions.

Anyone have thoughts or experience with this?

DoubleBetrayed9 posted 3/13/2018 18:40 PM

WH and OBS had been friends for decades. WH felt he owed him an apology and sent a letter. I am still friendly with OBS but haven't heard anything. I imagine they did not have a great night after reading as it brought up the A again.

I encouraged H to do it as did his IC. Maybe something WS can bring up in the next session? If they were not friends before the A I'd think it's inviting unwanted contact.

gtflng posted 3/13/2018 18:47 PM

How do you think it would help YOU? That's what matters.

My WH was contacted the OBH. I had messaged the AP after my WH came clean. Her BH saw I had messaged and wanted to know why (she has previously admitted to 1/1000 of the truth - I got 0/1000 until full disclosure). So then she came clean to him, and he messaged me to commiserate and shore up the stories. He then contacted my BH (he had previously called him out for the 1/1000th). In response, my BH provided a very lengthy apology on his own volition. I read it after the fact.. luckily lots of it had to do with how his focus is now on me, but would engage with him further if he needed it.

Long story short... I wouldn't do it as an exercise. The focus should be on your healing. If it came up, fly at it and see the genuine response. This "exercise" I think would be fruitless and you wouldn't be able to gauge the sincerity anyways. I understand your point of causing reflection, but I'm not sure it would be achieved. The positive for me was that it was all out there. Kinda forces an impossible (or at least easy) rekindling.

Put the focus where it should be - your healing. Unless you think it would genuinely help YOU, I don't see the point. But, it can't do harm if it's not sent.

[This message edited by gtflng at 6:48 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

oldtruck posted 3/14/2018 08:15 AM

As a BH I would not want any contact with the OM.
I believe that a OM would never be honest with me.
I have no reason to forgive the OM. I do not go
around actively hating the OM.

An apology from the OM?
What would he say?

Sorry for banging your WW.
When you can not believe an OM if you were to ask
him about the affair to corroborate your WW's story.

How can you believe his apology?

How does his apology undo what he did?

I believe that when a BS makes their WS apologize
to the OBS all they are doing is using the
exercise of the apology as an act of penance,
humiliation, revenge, payback on their WS.

Yes the OBS deserves to know the truth. That is
the job of the BS to expose the affair to the OBS.

Giving hell to the AP is the job of the OBS.

moralhighground posted 3/14/2018 09:59 AM

*shrug*

I kind of like the idea. Why shouldn’t they sit and think about who they hurt and how shitty their actions are? So what if it’s penance? If I thought there was something that would remind my WH to be a better person, I would recommend it in a heartbeat.

I agree that it’s only worth sending if they know each other or you still have regular contact with OBS. I wouldn’t reopen contact to put it through.

JpnHeartBreak posted 3/14/2018 10:24 AM

I absolutely believe that a REMORSEFUL WS should definitely apologize to the OBS, especially if they had sex in OBS house or unprotected sex with OBS WS. They helped to blow up OBS life so the least the WS can do is offer a sincere apology. It probably won’t mean shit to OBS, but it is a way for WS to show that they are now trying to be decent, good people.