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Trying to Stop the Self Bullying

HappyTree posted 3/29/2018 12:23 PM

I've struggled with this for a long time, pretty much as soon as my ex said he didn't love me anymore (which was before the affair). My ex was an emotionally abusive bully, but now I find myself bullying myself. Like, maybe if I wasn't so lazy, maybe if I was a better person, maybe if I made more money. I've tried writing love letters to myself and doing things for myself, but the doubt keeps on coming back to me.

I like guys who are educated and have professional jobs. But I'm afraid no man like that will love me because I don't make much money (less then $25K). I do LOVE my job.

And I get on myself for not being a better person. When I know that I have done some truly wonderful things for the world. I volunteer, I put my family before myself, all of my jobs have made the world a better a place.

So, if I know all of that, why can I not let it go? Why do I have to doubt my future and who I am? Has anyone else had to deal with self bullying and how did you over come it?

JerseyCowgirl posted 3/29/2018 14:09 PM

I struggle with this too because if you are sensitive to what others think of you and then marry someone who constantly puts you down and verbally assaults you, its the perfect set of ingredients for us to devalue ourselves and achievements. I wish I could tell you there is a simple solution but there isn't. First though get every toxic person out of your life. Second don't listen when negative things are said about you. Get counseling and remember that some very educated people are very stupid and some of those who made very little money did some amazing things with the little they had. My thoughts are with you.

redfury posted 3/29/2018 14:27 PM

I've come to realize that my inner critic is the voice of CPTSD, started by my FOO and pushed into overdrive by my ex. I'm working on treating the original wound. Pete Walker's book is really helpful.

Simplicity posted 3/30/2018 09:49 AM

Btw, this may or may not help, but he probably told you he didn't love you anymore when he already was either looking for an affair or starting an emotional one. Looking back, I noticed my STBX was never mean to me until he started his affair. Then I realized why he had that sudden shift to saying horrible things that would like me up. Just realize hes terrible and you don't need to perpetuate his cycle on yourself.

honesttoafault posted 4/1/2018 18:28 PM

I completely understand. I have done that for a very long time because of the abuse and the emotional abuse from BPD mother.

I played the "pick me" dance to no avail.

I believed all his crap and a lot of horrible things he said to me. Kept saying to myself If I only did this, or only did that he wouldn't have cheated. For so long, he was the voice inside my head and I would always self doubt myself.

I know that the longer I had NC, it started to get better. I, too, was working a minimum wage job, but got praise from my managers who were a lot younger than me.

In the past 6 months, I've gone through 4 different jobs, getting a better one each time. Throughout this journey, I've met some very kind people who helped build up my self esteem by praising my work and when I had to quit, they didn't want me too telling me how good I was and how nice I was.

I wasn't used to it. I was so used to being put down or having my family just asking me to do things and complaining it wasn't enough.

The doubts will still seep in, but as you go longer without him, your self confidence will start to build up again. I know how difficult and tiring it can be to have to be giving yourself a pep talk to keep you going. It's emotionally exhausting, but it will get to a point that you will start to have self acceptance. You will feel better about yourself.

shiloe posted 4/1/2018 19:42 PM

I struggle with this also. Never had the problem until after the last A and D.

I find myself bullying myself. Like, maybe if I wasn't so lazy, maybe if I was a better person,

^^Yes, me too.

And I struggle with feeling I'm stupid and old and ugly.
My EXWH launched a smear campaign and history rewrite against me when I outed the A.

Wrote it down in a letter and gave it to my in-laws.

[This message edited by shiloe at 7:44 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

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