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She's just told me

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seadoug105 posted 4/24/2018 08:03 AM

Whelp.... I should have read Michigan's post before I posted...

Letís review:

She had her coil taken out 6 months ago and we were passively trying for a 3rd.

Knowing this your wife lies to you to meet a guy she finds sexually attractive and has sex with him.
She also knew this:

We are both against abortion and always have been so please don't suggest that.

So she just rolls the dice and expects you to raise another manís child as your own.
She still backed into her old "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it and deal with it myself" ways.

Then she refuses to talk about it.

Do you think your wife considers your feelings at all? Does she even think of you as a person?

Because it gave me another Sha-Hitty thought....

Knowing everything Michigan pointed out... it is more than possible that she wanted to get knocked up.... have you DNA tested your kids yet?

PlanNine posted 4/24/2018 08:17 AM

I also talked about how I think she needs counseling and therapy and explained why it would help her mental health. She still backed into her old "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it and deal with it myself" ways. But it's the most we've ever discussed it. I really want her to get help because I know she struggles inside daily. I now just need to find the strength to say get help or be divorced.
Gently, you can neither help her, nor really compel her to get help. She can only do that herself. The most you can do is what's best for you and your children. Tell her what you need and expect, and inform her in no uncertain terms that the consequences of failure are divorce...and then actually follow through when she fails. And she will fail, because she's shown that your words mean nothing to her. When words fail, all that's left are actions. You need to take action. That's what "standing up to her" looks like.
So it is dawning on me there's a real possibility OM has got her pregnant. Ffs. Even though it's not confirmed she's pregnant yet, I already feel really really crappy. What if a fertile man has come along and done what I, the potentially inferior specimen, couldn't do.
If you don't consider her a safe partner (and from what you've said, there's no reason you should) then sex with her needs to stop, as in yesterday. Be clear that intimacy will not resume until you've both been tested and cleared for STD's and she takes the necessary steps to become a safe partner. This is not only for your own safety, but another consequence of her actions and inactions. And please, please don't reply with "what if lack of intimacy pushes her closer to OM?" That kind of thinking just encourages blameshifting...hell, it does most of the work for her.

Also, please don't say or think that someone else impregnating your wife makes you an "inferior specimen.' I could theoretically impregnate any one of the dozen or so women within 20 yards of me right now. Would that make me superior to anyone? No, since I'm a married man and most of my female coworkers are married or partnered, that would just make me a stupid asshole.

And if she is pregnant, then you need a paternity test as soon as is medically practical.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 8:22 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

MadOldBat posted 4/24/2018 13:32 PM

Welcome to SI Arn.
I'm not sure if anyone has actually welcomed you into this fabulous resource yet - but I am SO GLAD that you found us.
You've been bombarded with opinions, advice, thoughts, sympathy and various levels of empathy.

As a fellow Brit, I'd like to offer some practical support.

Please google
Search for your local office, and give them a ring.
(You nor your WW will get mental health support on the NHS unless either of you are about to kill yourself, or murder someone else.)
Explain your situation.
Explain your WW's mental health situation and resistance.
Ask (beg) for counselling help from them. (for you - and your WW)
They are a charity. They will be able to provide you with support, information, resources, therapy (group / individual). They will charge you on a sliding scale / voluntary contribution basis ( I paid £30 per hour session).
They will be able to put you in contact with support systems already set up in your local area.

Also contact Relate.
Again, they are contactable via phone or online.
They have great (often free or low cost) resources, and are able to direct you towards support in your local area.

Look at the Gingerbread website. - Fantastic information there for parents experiencing turmoil in their relationship - needing support and advice in the ongoing care of their children.

Also google wikivorce - there are some great forums there for practical advice on what the end scenario could look like for you and your children.

Please - don't be afraid to start standing up for yourself.
YOU are a person - YOU are important.

There were two great pieces of advice I was given when I first washed up on the SI shores.

1) Keep reading, and please keep posting.

D - Don't
E - Even
T - Try
A - And
C - Change
H - Her (Him)

Your Wayward, cheating, defensive, not-open-to-professional-help-for-her-mental-troubles/PTSD, arrogant, WTF attitude Wife.........?

You can't change her SI-friend.
You can't "fix" her.
She will only be open to working on changing herself and fixing her self-entitled lack of boundaries and respect - when SHE is ready to.

You can't make her.

YOU can only control YOU.
Your reaction.
Setting YOUR boundaries :- of what you will and will nottolerate / be subjected to / treated like.

Deep breaths.
Contact MIND
Get yourself into some counselling.

Keep posting.
Keep reading.

We're walking with you.

Sending you strength and determination and peace as you process.

ETA auto-correct does my head in sometimes.

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 1:34 PM, April 24th, 2018 (Tuesday)]

Sharkman posted 4/24/2018 20:59 PM


If you are having trouble committing then simply commit to posting here once a day. It could be just to say hi, but through joirnaling and socializing your issues you will have an incredible tool by which to find a measure of empowerment.

Western posted 4/24/2018 22:23 PM

forget about the period. Stand up for yourself.

Only you have the capacity to know if you are willing to live with this cheater for this many years. If you are, you are on the wrong forum. You should be somewhere else.

If they are not willing to be loyal, they aren't willing or even deserving of forgiveness.

Where do you stnd on this ???

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