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She's just told me

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Marz posted 4/4/2018 19:40 PM

Cheaters lie a lot. A lot !!!!

mouthkeptshut posted 4/4/2018 19:51 PM

Yes Shiloe, I think you were inadvertently agreeing with what I was trying to say. That was a rhetorical question on my part (as I wasn’t trying to make this about me and I’m long past such woe is me thinking)— It isn’t about the job situation at all. Working husbands cheat on SAHM, SAHM cheat on working husbands, DINK relationships have infidelity, etc. iIt has little to do with the work arrangement (although that can facilitate cover) and everything to do with the (lack of) character in the cheater.

shiloe posted 4/4/2018 20:14 PM

It isn’t about the job situation at all

Yeah, I was absolutely agreeing with you. I was just trying to show where different job scenarios don't really mean squat, as long as both are pulling their weight and supporting the family. It always comes down to character.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:17 PM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

MidnightRun posted 4/4/2018 21:43 PM

She should be facing consequences, and not just "warming to the idea of getting another job."

She's had it easy. What's to deter from future slimmy behavior? A threat that you'll D? Not a chance. She figures: No real consequences the first time, so none will be handed out the second time or even third.

You should make her find another job or else; make her stay with friends or family for a month or so; inform posom's girlfriend; make her take care of the kids on her vacation or days off, while you pursue other activities; make her take an std test, which usually put affairs into perspective; demand that she inform her parents; require counseling.

Do something besides merely accepting her word that it'll never happen again.

She's the mother of young kids, yet she humped a guy in the back seat of a vehicle--on a whim.

She must face consequences.

Separately, get tested for stds and get a job, even if you're left with pocket change after paying a babysitter. You're vulnerable.

PattayaCake posted 4/5/2018 01:22 AM

I think enough posters have now proven that being a stay-at-home-Dad is not a guarantee of being cheated on, because there are plenty of threads in these forums from soldiers who have been in active combat while their wives have been serial cheaters. Cheating does not happen because of the betrayed spouse; it happens because something is broken in the people who cheat.
And while we're at it, it is now public knowledge that the famous actor Colin Firth has been cheated on by his wife. He's famous, wealthy, talented, lusted after by tons of women, and he got served the same shit sandwich as the rest of us. The reason being that cheats don't give a damn about their spouses; their activities are all about them, not us.

~ This exactly ~

nme1 posted 4/5/2018 02:13 AM

I am also one of the rare cases that had their cheater confess. However, his confession was a minimised version full of omissions and lies. In my case, the bigger picture wasn't uncovered until 10 months later. It was brutal. Now, it's possible your WW has been honest, but very unlikely. There are many things in her story that don't make sense. Try letting her know that it's better to tell you everything now and prolonging the truth will only cause more damage to you, and ultimately the relationship.

Also, as others have mentioned, it would be better for her to start looking for another job, being in contact with the POS will only cause further harm.

Bigger posted 4/5/2018 05:22 AM


There are a lot of between-the-lines readers posting on your thread.
Lot of people that seem to think the best way to get out of a deep hole is to dig deeper.

We can’t tell you what the truth is or what your wife did or did not do. What we can do is tell you that our collective experience based on thousands of cases here on SI would strongly indicate your wife did or did not do.

There is a quote my instructor in investigative procedures at the Police Academy often used:
“When you hear the beating of hooves you think horses, not zebras”

His purpose with that quote was twofold: I guess in England (like here) if you hear the beating of hooves then in 99 of a hundred cases you expect to see a horse. It would make sense to start looking around for a big, brown, black or white horse clomping around the corner. But maybe – just MAYBE – a donkey, ass, mule or zebra might appear. For us cops-to-be the lesson was to use assumptions but to follow through with confirmation.
The same applies to you.

Odds and experience tell us you don’t have the total truth.
Odds and experience tell us she needs to quit her job.
Odds and experience tell us there is more build-up.

The posters reading between the lines? Chances are they are correct. But maybe it’s a zebra. You need to investigate and confirm.

If you post again I would suggest you focus on M1965 post. He’s also a Brit so he will be well into relevant social- and legal aspects and posts logical and thought-out support. He won’t be focusing on helping you dig a deeper hole, he won’t be telling you to divorce or to reconcile. He will hopefully simply be helping you get out of infidelity.

SorrowfulMoon posted 4/5/2018 06:50 AM

Yes cheaters lie, I think there is about a 1% chance she has told you the full story.

If she did tell you the full story and her confession was not forced by circumstances then you are in a very rare position on this site as a BS. All that advantage will be lost if you rug sweep this.

You are lucky to have Bigger and M1965 in your corner, they will guide you well.

BBBD posted 4/5/2018 07:59 AM

So she had a few problems with you (the noises). Did they all of a sudden disappear?
Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

Michigan posted 4/5/2018 08:13 AM

Your wife needs to at least suffer a few consequences to “make it real.” She needs to go to the doctor and get every STD test there is. You need to see that actual report because she now has a record of not telling you the truth.

You also need to know who the OM is. You should tell his GF. She has the right to know. But even if you don’t want to tell her you still need to know who the OM is to “make it real” for your wife.

Your actions make a statement. Let’s say that you do something bad and then say “sorry.” Then it all goes away. You will naturally assume that what you did wasn’t that bad after all. You might even do it again.
You could tell her family, etc.

MidnightRun posted 4/5/2018 13:03 PM

I agree.

Consequences make it real.

Bigger posted 4/5/2018 13:10 PM

Consequences are not about suffering. If you think WW should go get STD tested to suffer, then maybe we could reach a compromise? Maybe – instead of a STD test then she does 500 push-ups or starves for 48 hours or maybe even watch all series of Friends in one sitting? That’s suffering…

No – she does STD tests because a consequence of opening to sex with someone else is that a previously monogamous relationship could now be threatened by a STD. That’s why, not the suffering.

Exposure isn’t done for the pain-factor. Its done because all stakeholders need to know. It gives the BS the best option of having choices. The pain… it’s simply a consequence.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/5/2018 13:20 PM

T/J @GoldenR, I want to apologize to you for saying your advice about the job was "stupid". I am sorry. That was unkind of me. It would have been better for me to say "impractical" advice, if you meant that Arn's WW should just up and quit without another job. I agree that they need to decide if Arn is going to feel safe and comfortable with his WW still working at her same job. I would agree that if his WW could find another job ASAP that would probably be a better situation for them both. end T/J

GoldenR posted 4/5/2018 13:33 PM

Thanks, Sister!

And no worries, I never take anything personal here. I like your passion, so if you think I've given bad advice, let 'er rip and say so! :-)

SisterMilkshake posted 4/5/2018 13:36 PM

Thank you for accepting my apology. You are very gracious!

MidnightRun posted 4/5/2018 13:59 PM

I think the overarching concern is that she be held accountable for her behavior.

Giving her essentially a pass is something he'll likely regret down the line.

Michigan posted 4/5/2018 14:13 PM

Consequences are not about suffering. If you think WW should go get STD tested to suffer, then maybe we could reach a compromise? Maybe – instead of a STD test then she does 500 push-ups or starves for 48 hours or maybe even watch all series of Friends in one sitting? That’s suffering…


Something can have more than one purpose or benefit.

No – she does STD tests because a consequence of opening to sex with someone else is that a previously monogamous relationship could now be threatened by a STD. That’s why, not the suffering.


I’m trying to understand. There is a practical logical reason to being tested for STDs. It can also help the WS to realize the magnitude of what they have done. So if getting an STD test is to traumatic for the WS then they should not get one?

So the BS must be absolutely pure in their motivation for what their WS needs to do for R? Why is the BS held to such high standards? Why is the BS expected to be such an exceptional human being?

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:50 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]

J0ck posted 4/5/2018 15:05 PM

watch all series of Friends in one sitting


Bigger posted 4/5/2018 15:28 PM

No Michigan. The BS doesn’t have to be any more pure than he/she wants to. But the goal of STD testing isn’t to humble or disgrace the WS. After all – if the BS has had sex with the WS recently the BS too needs the whole battery of STD tests.

If the goal is to cause suffering or punishment there are more efficient and cheaper ways than STD tests.

catchthemusic posted 4/10/2018 22:52 PM

It sounds like your wife still cares for you - since she told you about the affair. She feels guilty so she has a sense of right and wrong. Those are good things. I would find a qualified counselor or church pastor to help you through this. You need some counseling for you and your wife to work on reconciliation and also setting some healthy boundaries. Your wife should move departments or quit her job - in order to get away from this person she cheated with. Prayers that everything can work out!

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