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The 'fog'

brokendreamer posted 4/28/2018 15:15 PM

Please could someone talk me through the 'fog' I have grasped what it is, the idyllic, romantic, all is perfect period of denial that a WS enters into.

Mine is in that fog right now I believe. He is living in a bubble of can't believe his luck at finding his perfect woman. So loved up that if she bashed his head in with a hammer, he would think it was kinky sex and love her even more.

How long does this 'fog' last typically?

I can't help feeling like I want those two to get their come uppance.

I know I shouldn't and I am focusing on my self 99% of the time, but that need for Karma to do her thing creeps in. Not because I want him back, I don't think I could go there, but because I hate all forms of injustice.

If it all goes tits up between them, my door wont be open or my dog flap lol, but it would be good to get some kind of justice.

He has caused that much pain and heartbreak, I would just love him to get even a small dose back.

Please dont condemn me for feeling this way, I can't help it. I am not playing the pick me dance, nor to be honest do I think I could ever have him back after this, genuinely, I am totally NC and adhering to 180. But I do so want karma to boot their asses into next year for what they have done, if only to ease my pain. Selfish but im being honest.

I think what I am asking is for members with experience to tell me when typically this fog lifts and they start to feel remorse and a sense of guilt, if of course they are going to.


Skan posted 4/28/2018 15:43 PM

brokendreamer, it depends. Some never feel remorse. Some never come out of the fog or allow themselves to come out, because, well, that would mean that they actually have to admit that they acted like shits. Better to ride the crap-train into the mountain of poo, than hop off and admit that you need a shower.

Thing is, YOUR best friend is detaching. Indifference. Having your Give A Fuck broken and scattered. Becoming cold towards the possibility of karma, the universe, Mr Magoo stepping in and lighting them up with the Grande Poo Crash! That serves YOU best, to not give them any more head space than possible. If it all goes squish in the end, well great. We all love a good karma story. But the goal is not to focus on that, to live your life waiting for a comeuppance that may never come. The goal is to live your own precious life with as much joy and integrity as possible. Seek your own joy, and it will seek you. (((hugs)))

sisoon posted 4/28/2018 15:55 PM

Won't condemn you for feeling this way, since I can't see anything inappropriate in feeling this way....

The 'fog' is a description, not an excuse. Your H has chosen to let fantasy take over this part of his life. - there's no magic here.

I don't know how or why some people get back in touch with reality. I can understand getting fogged up - after all, I think that's like 'falling in love, and I've done that - but I certainly don't know why or how some people stay in the fog.

But there's no justice, either....

Apparently you don;t want R. In that case, the best revenge is to live well, which means detaching, and for STBXH and his schmoopie to be with each other for a short while, just long enough to find out ow effed up they are.

brokendreamer posted 4/28/2018 18:18 PM

Thanks as always, I know full well that I am being an asswipe in even wasting my time hoping for Karma.
I am just stupidly soft hearted and reading some of the heartbreaking stories her, along with my own pile of crap, makes me want so scream at the injustice.

I think I was brought up in an unrealistic environment, drummed into me that you never hurt people or be horrible or it comes back 'thricefold' That kindness and loyalty, honesty and sincerity etc is repaid. Ie treat others as you would like to be treated.

im learning that is a crock of bull and im a tad disillusioned by the whole thing.

experience has taught me that being a kind, loving, faithful person, does not always pay off. Being a gold digging whore with no morals tends to get you the man. The harder faced the better, where does that leave me and all the other lovely BS's here?

The one consolation I have noticed is that there is an overwhelming majority of cases here on SI where the WS regrets. I dont want him back, I want him to feel even part of the pain and loss that I have.

Adlham posted 4/28/2018 18:52 PM

Reality sets in soon enough.

Bills, housework, jobs, navigating the day to day minutiae of every day life is all part of being in a healthy adult relationship.

I bought my daughters books of strong women because screw Disney and their 'happily ever after' bullshit.

I imagine the veneer will wear off, especially when one or the other starts thinking about how if they cheat with you, they'll likely cheat on you.

brokendreamer posted 4/28/2018 19:19 PM

I bought my daughters books of strong women because screw Disney and their 'happily ever after' bullshit.

LOL love it! Give them 'My own story' by Emmeline Pankhurst

Am I a bitch for wanting it all to go wrong, just so I can feel momentarily smug?

LumpinStomach posted 4/28/2018 19:44 PM

Iíll share some insight with my folks....

My dad did pretty much what he wanted his whole adult life....and I had no idea! My mom finally asked him to leave when I went away to college (and I thought it was from drinking). He left. And started an open air relationship with his former mistress. That went on for many years.

He was diagnosed with cancer and went through 3 years of chemo, with her as his ďnursemaidĒ. She waited until he was no longer lucid and took him to the bank to cash checks and change Accts to be in her name. And she literally sat there and waited for him to die. And now she is living on the money that she manipulated from him.

Thatís how his life ended, a woman wheeled him from bank to bank to get his money. I have to say even if he had some lucid moments in the end, he knew. And thatís how he died. With a money grubbing Whore.

Maybe not the karma you are thinking, but my mother has a great relationship with her grandkids and her children and is happy. I went 4 years without even talking to him before he was sick and then only after out of obligation because of the cancer.

Just because you canít see it right now, doesnít mean itís not working its way into their lives.

Adlham posted 4/28/2018 20:57 PM

brokendreamer, I have not heard of that one! I will definitely check it out!

I started them off with The Paper Bag Princess and moved up from there! For all of you with younger kids, there are a ton of short stories that are all about girl power!

And no, I think wanting to feel smug is fine. I enjoy feeling smug. FTG!

NoMercy posted 4/29/2018 07:03 AM

You can blame his shit behavior on some magical, mystical 'fog' all you want, but the truth is he's a grownup man, not some 16 year old teenager with no life experience and no ability to see the results of his actions. He's a grown man completely capable of making decisions and choices and also fully capable of knowing his actions have consequences.

HE owns those decisions and that behavior, not some 'fog.'

I';m sorry, but this guy is SUCH a piece of shit. Blocking his own son from being able to call him after he deserts him? I repeat. What a piece of shit.
I really hope you don't intend to take this miscreant back if he comes knocking on your door.

Look, we all go through 'limerance' when we meet someone new who makes our heart quicken and our pulses race. That's what most people go through when they meet someone new and the romance is heady and everything is wonderful. But we all don't quit our jobs or make some completely insane life choice just because of it. As adults, we manage to balance that with our real lives. You're trying to take the accountability for his SHIT behavior and SHIT choices off his shoulders and blame it on some magical fog that made him do it and he was powerless to stop it.

But you have to ask yourself, was he 'in a fog' when he first met this woman and decided he was attracted to her? Was he 'in a fog' when he CHOSE to step over the line and come on to her or flirt with her for the first time? Was he 'in a fog' every single time he CHOSE to continue pursuing her and making secret plans to meet up with her, or approach her for physical contact? When exactly did this 'fog' take over after he'd already made many choices to START this affair?

He chose to desert you, he chose to desert his son and even more, chose to block you both from being able to contact him. That man dug a crawlspace UNDER his lowest point in life when he did that and deserves every rotten thing that comes his way. Every single rotten thing.

Do know that when their fairy tale 'love' shits the bed (and eventually, it probably will like most of them do) don't be surprised when he comes crawling back telling you how he 'lost his head' and the 'fog' made him do it and all kinds of other nonsense excuses for his selfish behavior. You'll also hear lots of "I always loved you but she talked me into leaving you! I shouldn't have listened to her!" They pretty much all read from the same script. When their little Utopia blows up in their faces, they come crawling back with all these sugary words of love and promises of future loyalty and the truth is, you're just their fall-back plan.

You've become Option B.

He won't admit that to you, but that's what you'd be.

I'd change the locks before letting someone this low come crawling back. I'm glad to see you feel the same way.

I have no problem with your wish for karma. Personally, I hope the karma bus pulls right up to the curb outside their love-nest.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 7:05 AM, April 29th (Sunday)]

brokendreamer posted 4/29/2018 09:43 AM

Thank you all and LumpinStomach, I am so glad to hear that your mum was able to move on and find some peace and happiness, that's the best Karma.

I did laugh NoMercy at the thought of the Karma bus pulling right up outside their house.

One thing I have noticed lately is that when something triggers a memory, it is almost always associated with something bad. For example, a song came on and it reminded me of our holiday in France many years ago. Rather than good memories flooding back, I though oh yes that is when I had to go find him at 3am and he was sat in the holday resort bar with a young woman. There seem to be so many bad memories and not so many good ones, other than for the first year or 2 of our relationship. So it helps that he was a complete bastard to me for so long in terms of reminiscing.

I think my problem now is that I have been down for so long and virtually became reclusive over the past year. I have no self confidence and cannot work due to my PTSD and anxiety as a result of the attack on me. I feel fat and ugly and useless, even though I know I am average weight. I guess when someone has spent years hurling insults, you start to believe them to some degree. I'm hardly a catch for any man now.

5 years ago, I had a successful career of 22 years, a lovely home we owned, lots of friends, 2 sons I adore and a husband who I thought loved me, I enjoyed life on the whole. I have lost it all apart from my gorgeous sons. Just as I thought we were rebuilding it, he leaves to be with OW.

In many ways, I have resigned myself to spending the remainder of my life alone.
Think Miss Havisham (Charles Dickens, Great Expectations), about sums me up right now

I am giving myself some time to wallow and heal a bit, then I will certainly reassess. I would like to think and hope that I can get out of this very low place in my life. I often wonder whether it is chicken or egg, am I a miserable, depressed old cow because of him and how I was treated or did he go because I am a miserable, depressed old cow? I'm not sure right now, though I suspect it may be the former and that's comforting.

There is also the element of self blame to some degree. Example, a couple of weeks before he started seeing her, he wanted to have sex, saying I dont pay him enough attention and that If I didn't he would find someone else. However the previous night he had called me the most vile names and reduced me to tears. So sometimes I think I ought to have shown him more attention, but I was so down and with his words still ringing in my ears, I didn't want to be close to him. Without doubt in recent months he started to think he could do a whole lot better than me. It coincided with his business taking off, the one I created and built with him because I thought it would secure our future and our childrens future.

Thank you for listening and helping, I am truly grateful

Cephastion posted 4/29/2018 20:27 PM

I think there's a lot of misunderstanding about "the fog".

I think it's a lot like being drunk for the umpteenth time in one's life. If you are drunk, your perception is gonna be waaaayyy off from what reality and empirical data will prove to be TRUE. On the one hand, people can say that the drunkard can't do this or understand THAT because he's "drunk"...He's impaired in some way. But unlike a typical disabled person, the drunkard doesn't get amazing new parking privileges in handicapped spaces now, just because he's inebriated and voluntarily, temporarily, self-induced into a kind of disability. Quite the contrary. He'll be jailed and fined and his car towed and impounded and possibly have his drivers license taken away if he drives under THAT influence, because it's a choice he makes to indulge in and towards.

But to say that there is no alteration of perception for the drunkard who's plastered himself silly would NOT be an accurate assertion.

In fact, it's typically this alteration of perception that actually IS what the sober drinker is trying to ACHIEVE. And achieve it they DO. Does the fact that they manage to achieve a state of false reality and perception somehow absolve them and make them innocent when an innocent bystander gets killed by the reckless driving of a drunkard? No. The drunkard CHOSE to put himself into that state of mind and body while sober and knowing better than to cross those lines and then take those kinds of risks to get home after the drinking's inevitably done.

Very few if any waywards are merely minding their own married business and then suddenly get virtually and unexpectedly raped from behind by a virtual stranger. That description might somewhat fit what happens to the unknowing BS in the equation, but NOT the WS.

They know the person, the situation, and the lines they are crossing just like running red lights and stop signs on the way to robbing the frikking bank.

But to deny that they do in fact get caught up in the adrenaline rush and the euphoria of all that moolah and "love" and excitement and intrigue and attention and accolades and sexual tension and ecstasy...I think we're not being entirely honest with ourselves or the situation when we deny the appeal of the forbidden fruit to those who have a taste and yearning for the forbidden and taboo.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:54 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

Cephastion posted 4/29/2018 20:33 PM

ALL of that being said about a little of what the fog is and is not, I think the simplest answer from me is that it's very much like a real fog or a drunk driver.

They come out of it or sober up when they hit a telephone pole or a very strong and unyielding TREE or brick WALL or crash down into a low, filthy DITCH, or else they or their AP burn out and/or leave them and the situation entirely.

Sometimes reality simply hits one or both of them right where it counts and they snap out of it and sober up/fog clears.

JANX posted 4/29/2018 22:12 PM

The Law of Cause & Effect is the most powerful Law in existence. This means your spouse WILL get back all the heartache ( emotional Murder ) they have caused you. Guaranteed. FYI - My wife is still in the "fog" - I estimate it will be 1-2 years before she wakes up. By then I will have completed my grieving & healing process & very likely will refuse to have anything to do with her.

allspent posted 4/30/2018 07:12 AM

Wow, please don't feel bad about feeling that way; I'm in almost the exact same place. We're around 3 months in, and my WS is so deep in the fog she can't even sniff reality.

What galls me even more is that in one of our talks after I found out, she told me she wanted to do what was "best for everyone" (graciously including both me and her cheating partner!), but that she was confident that no matter what happens, we could be friends and that I would find someone even better for me.

So now my future success and happiness is tied to reinforcing her fantasy reality! Gee, thanks.

I wish I was a believer in cosmic karma, because I'm desperate for there to be some justice and consequences for what they've done. But I'm getting better at focusing on myself instead.

PeriodicZen posted 4/30/2018 08:30 AM

BS are all in trauma, and part of that is the desire of some karma devolving on the WS. Thatís perfectly normal.

And feeling like shit because a long list of things that we listened to turned out to be said by a liar, thatís normal as well.

Some asshats pay for it. Some others donít. That happens. So, you know to stop waiting for it, but you feel that you have to see it to achieve some sort of validation. Your feelings will fade, though, and instead of Ms Havisham you can channel some other character?

Perhaps Olga of Kiev?

WilliamM posted 4/30/2018 08:45 AM

To me the fog is a mindset that a wayward has created within their mind to make it alright for them to cheat. They have to believe that their affair was special and that the person they cheated with was special. They also have to believe that their affair was damaged and their needs were not being met, or their spouse did not love them or care. Once the affair is ended, by being caught or by admission, these two believes mindset still lingers, thus you have "the fog".

Cephastion posted 4/30/2018 09:24 AM

I prayed to God like crazy for her to be "arrested" in her little free-for-all wild ride my then-wayward and full-of-herself wife was red-lining her "little red corvette/Mustang/T-bird" with, and it DID in fact work--both times in fact.

And the empathy and deep deep loathing of her own sins and treachery really came home to her almost 3 years ago after I prayed AGAIN for some justice-empathy upon her dull, non feeling heart once again, even though we'd been infidelity free for over 20 years at that time (Oct. 2015).

Each time it worked to a very large extent, but as helpful as it was and IS to our ability to connect and reconcile more deeply and understand one another better, it's not the same as healing itself.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 9:27 AM, April 30th (Monday)]

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