Thank you all and LumpinStomach, I am so glad to hear that your mum was able to move on and find some peace and happiness, that's the best Karma.
I did laugh NoMercy at the thought of the Karma bus pulling right up outside their house.
One thing I have noticed lately is that when something triggers a memory, it is almost always associated with something bad. For example, a song came on and it reminded me of our holiday in France many years ago. Rather than good memories flooding back, I though oh yes that is when I had to go find him at 3am and he was sat in the holday resort bar with a young woman. There seem to be so many bad memories and not so many good ones, other than for the first year or 2 of our relationship. So it helps that he was a complete bastard to me for so long in terms of reminiscing.
I think my problem now is that I have been down for so long and virtually became reclusive over the past year. I have no self confidence and cannot work due to my PTSD and anxiety as a result of the attack on me. I feel fat and ugly and useless, even though I know I am average weight. I guess when someone has spent years hurling insults, you start to believe them to some degree. I'm hardly a catch for any man now.
5 years ago, I had a successful career of 22 years, a lovely home we owned, lots of friends, 2 sons I adore and a husband who I thought loved me, I enjoyed life on the whole. I have lost it all apart from my gorgeous sons. Just as I thought we were rebuilding it, he leaves to be with OW.
In many ways, I have resigned myself to spending the remainder of my life alone.
Think Miss Havisham (Charles Dickens, Great Expectations), about sums me up right now
I am giving myself some time to wallow and heal a bit, then I will certainly reassess. I would like to think and hope that I can get out of this very low place in my life. I often wonder whether it is chicken or egg, am I a miserable, depressed old cow because of him and how I was treated or did he go because I am a miserable, depressed old cow? I'm not sure right now, though I suspect it may be the former and that's comforting.
There is also the element of self blame to some degree. Example, a couple of weeks before he started seeing her, he wanted to have sex, saying I dont pay him enough attention and that If I didn't he would find someone else. However the previous night he had called me the most vile names and reduced me to tears. So sometimes I think I ought to have shown him more attention, but I was so down and with his words still ringing in my ears, I didn't want to be close to him. Without doubt in recent months he started to think he could do a whole lot better than me. It coincided with his business taking off, the one I created and built with him because I thought it would secure our future and our childrens future.
Thank you for listening and helping, I am truly grateful