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The Fall Out - an AP/ OP Perspective

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chelsea9 posted 5/11/2018 04:37 AM

On the whole, though, I lean towards a final conversation to say the conversation is unhealthy for you (or whatever is true) and then blocking.

I'm with Sisoon on this. We don't fully know your exact motivations for ongoing contact and maybe you don't yourself. However, you have been able to provide the BW with details that spotlight that her WH is still trying to lie and limit the damage through TT. It is that rather than the details that will help her make up her mind.

Where you are now is that she has reached out and you have responded. As others have said, the details from you are not really important other than to demonstrate he is still concealing facts. She will not gain solace from what you say or from any remorse you have, because for her, gently, you are not relevant.

I would contact her to ask if she has any other important questions, making clear in a respectful but definite tone that this is a final opportunity because it is not healthy for any of you to remain in contact beyond this.

After that block channels and allow them to work out their own path while you focus on IC.

Zugzwang posted 5/11/2018 09:11 AM

I would ask yourself if by responding to her, you have other deep seating reasons for doing so. Do you feed a need for yourself? Do you do it to relieve some guilt? Do you do it for some passive aggresive form of revenge? Do you do it to feed your ego boosting like a KISA? I wouldn't focus on them or their whys. Just your own.

immokk posted 5/17/2018 08:53 AM

Hi Everyone. Just wanted to thank you all, again, for the considered replies.

Sorry for the delay. Things went... south.

This is such a long message and I thank everyone for reading further, if you do. I just need to get this out of my system.

I took it all on board and spoke to my counselor, where I reviewed all of the information I had given. I decided, as many of you said, that I had provided her with all the facts that I could and that any further revelations would either have to come from him or she would just have to find a way to deal with herself.

In respect of my own motives, there were none untoward but some of my own guilt was definitely at play. And, to be honest, hearing the things she said he lied about helped ME to get out of the fog. It really did me some favours.

On saying that, I should point out that I find it a little disappointing that society thinks that the WS is capable of remorse but not the OW. If the WS, who broke their vows, are capable of feeling a genuine sorry then why isn't the AP?

In respect of what went south. I never got chance to compose my message to her telling her that I believed I had given her as much information as I could and that I thought it was best we blocked each other. I received a threatening message from an anonymous number from him in respect of exposing some deep and person secrets I had told him to my mum.

I ignored that (no reply at all) but I then got a call from his wife saying she had tried to ask him to give her the timeline everyone talks about here and he kicked off and stormed out of the house (around 10 minutes before I got the message). I said nothing further to his wife, just hung up and I headed to my mum's and waited there, spent the night over there as I was shaken, but he did not appear.

Around 3 hours later he messaged me on Kik (I used Kik for online dating, I forgot completely that he had my details on there as we only ever used it once some years ago). I ignored that message also (and he would not have seen that I opened it either) with a message "Thanks for telling her all of the details"

Spent a couple of anxious days with no contact from anyone so thought it had settled. Out of nowhere, I get an alert on the online games Words with Friends (it is my sanctuary when insomnia takes hold and has been for years, he and I used to play occasionally but he blocked me weeks ago and disappeared from my list (meaning I did not have to worry about it) that he had started playing again (they appear on your friends list as someone returning to the game) and he had changed his profile picture to one of a character that has a VERY negative connotation to me. So, I screenshot this as I was beginning to feel harassed (he only ever played with me on Words) I blocked him there as well.

I then went to reply to a group chat with some gaming friends on Kik and noticed that xMM had changed his profile picture to one of ME and my ex-Husband. He had changed his background picture to 'I Trusted You and You Betrayed Me'. When I saw this I decided to see if I would lost the message if I deleted him from Kik, and I would with no way of retrieving the message if I had need to report and the police needed the original :(

Next day he changed it again and the next again, all things trying to reach me (some with positive memories, some negative).

He then changed it to a screenshot of a letter he was writing to my mum :( at that stage I called my mum who told me if anything arrived then she would give it to me, With the Kik message, the threatening text and the letter I will have enough to report to the police for harrassment

By this point I had kicked into self preservation mode and was concentrating in ensuring I was safe so when his wife called me I realised I had not actually sent the message to her about stopping contact.

She told me xMM has been acting weird and having mood swings and wanted to know if I had heard from him in anyway. I told her that I'd been blocking him but told her the truth about the odd behaviour. She asked for screenshots. I sent them.

She then asked me if some stuff on his twitter meant anything to me and read some stuff out. It all did and I just gently explained where it had all come from (facts, as you say, this relates to this date, this to this). I told her I wanted it to stop.


She told me he was a bully. He's lashing out because he can't have his own way. She just kept talking and talking about how he shouts at her and how he always made her feel dirty after sex. How he told her (after the affair was initially discovered) of all the nice things I did for him, asking her what she had ever done for him. She just wouldn't stop talking, she said he told her we had more sex in a night that he and she had in years. She told me he called her names :(

Then she just started crying about how she's got two dogs, no money, no job, lives in the middle of nowhere and can't drive due to eyesight problems.

When she finally stopped (I didn't say a word for 20 minutes but I didn't know if I should hand up) I said to her that she should get independent advice from someone, maybe a counsellor, and that his behaviour was abusive.

I didn't know what else to say.

I took your advice, on here, and told her that I was not a good source now as I told her all I could and she should see if she could get advice and help from someone qualified. I asked her to talk to her sisters and let them help.

We hung up. I was promptly sick.

Some of his weirdness seems to have stopped and as I have him blocked everywhere I can think of the only thing he can really do now is follow through on the threat and write to my mum. If he does that, I will report him.

Otherwise, I'm hoping this is the end of the whole thing.

Someone on here asked what my feelings were for xMM while we were in the affair. I loved him. Or rather, I loved him in that way that you blindly love someone you don't experience the bad of.

Now, I see it all. The fog had already mostly lifted before it ended. I saw things about him that bothered me both physically and emotionally. I started to break out of the 'he lies to his wife because he doesn't know what else to do' to 'he lies to his wife and that's wrong'

In respect of me mad at my friend. That was an initial, base response to someone I saw as interfering at the time. Those feelings are long gone and I know she was only trying to do the right thing.

Thank you to everyone.

swmnbc posted 5/17/2018 09:30 AM

Oh my goodness, that's a lot to take in. I think you've handled things well and hope things settle down from here on out.

chelsea9 posted 5/18/2018 06:12 AM

Clearly the situation took over your plan but it sounds as if you handled it appropriately and now, so long as he leaves you alone, you can move away from this.

You have filled in some facts and also you've exposed to her that he continued to lie. That's where your role ends, it's up to her what she decides from now on.

Butforthegrace posted 5/18/2018 06:39 AM

A couple of thoughts.

First, to AP's, don't share potentially damaging (to yourself) secrets with the WS you're fucking. I realize that being a WS doesn't define somebody as a "bad person" (i.e. -- "good people do bad things"). However, the one thing all WS's have in common is that they are being actively dishonest with a spouse, in direct betrayal of their wedding vows. A person with issues about honesty, and honor, that person is more likely to use those secrets against you if the opportunity/need should arise. In other words, a betrayer is not a trustworthy person.


Second, this man is a stalker. I've known of some stalker situations in my life. Men who cross that line are dangerous men. They will lie in wait and harm women. You (and his BS) need to take this seriously. Get some training in self defense. Start altering your daily routine (such as routes to/from work). Stay off the gaming and social media sites. Etc.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:22 AM, May 18th (Friday)]

WilliamM posted 5/20/2018 21:26 PM

I see you do have remorse for what you have done. You show remorse and compassion toward the OBS. But do you have the same remorse for what you've done toward your xBH? Did you ever apologize to him for what you did? Just curious?

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