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Having second thoughts?

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HappyCamperDude posted 6/18/2018 17:40 PM

TBH this post is just because I have the need to tell someone and perhaps get some words of wisdom.

I started the process of collaborative divorce a couple of weeks ago, and itís something that I knew I had to do. A part of me was secretly hoping that it might Ďsnapí the WW out of it and decide that our life together might be worth it.

I have been getting documents sent to the house every other day from my attorney, but today was the collaborative agreement. Having her name there just hit me, and I broke down. When I finally came in my 15 year old daughter gave me a big hug.

My problem is Iím having second thoughts. I havenít yet paid my attorney a retainer, and Iíd much rather sheíll out money to bring us together, and not split us apart. When weíre together, itís good. Always has been. But she started going through something...I donít know. Iím ranting/venting again. I really would rather not do all of this at all. I wish I had someone in my corner that supported R, but I donít. Her family never tells her the hard truth. They just want ďeveryone to be happy.Ē But most of them are very upset with her. Anyway, Iím tired of this and just want her to come home or at least talk to me and tell me what the hell is going on.

I guess Iím wondering if any other BS had second thoughts, and what did you do?

ok4now posted 6/18/2018 17:47 PM

Yes I have second thoughts. Sending hugs of support.

Itís hard to be out there. Itís hard to let all of your dreams of the future disappear.

But I made a list of shit I know I deserve and he canít give them to me....

Just your not alone your head says one thing as your heart says another.

Know what your worth and what you deserve.

It sucks to be here but you are not alone...

Marz posted 6/18/2018 18:23 PM

She's moved out. Unless she meets you half way you've got nothing. Except and extended stay in infidelity limbo.

Marz posted 6/18/2018 18:26 PM

Anyway, Iím tired of this and just want her to come home or at least talk to me and tell me what the hell is Going on.

She's shown you what's going on. You just don't want to believe it.

josiep posted 6/18/2018 18:33 PM

Not to make you feel worse but to make you aware of the reality many of us live with, my XWH slept with his arms around me one night, was planning our dream trip to Europe the next day, discussing what we were going to have for dinner that night when I confronted him with what I'd found. He hung his head for a few minutes and when he looked up again, he was a different person. He packed some clothes and left an hour later.

He hasn't spoken to me since.

He pretends I don't exist.

It's insanity. Sheer insanity.

You absolutely must quit trying to make sense of her irrational behavior and thinking. Giving her any ego kibbles by trying to talk to her will only make things worse. Don't forget, she's been unfavorably comparing you to him for quite a long time. You've been in a "competition" of sorts and didn't even know it.

If you get divorced and later regret it, you can reconcile. If you don't divorce and later regret it, all you've gained is more pain.

Ripped62 posted 6/18/2018 19:32 PM

I am sorry. I know this pain. Dealing with infidelity is horrific as is ending the marriage. But, your wife has left you with few options. You cannot reconcile with someone who is seeking to live separately and divorce you.

What you are feeling is part of grieving for the dream you once had. Just make sure you do not create a nightmare in real life.

This simple exercise may help. You probably have done something similar and may not have written it down.

Take a sheet of paper or make a document. Make 2 columns. On one side label as "Imaginary Wife." On this side list all the qualities your wife once possessed or you wish she had. On the second side label this column as "Reality Wife" or "Wayward Wife." In this column list how your wife actually is based on her actions and what she is doing to you and your family. Next, answer these questions: Is your wife a safe spouse at this point in time? Do you think she will ever be? If so how? How can I reconcile with someone that does not want to remain in the home.

On a new sheet of paper or document make 2 columns. On one side make a heading of "Positives of Sharing My Wife." Simply list the positives of sharing your wife with other men and living the lifestyle she desires. On the other side label it "Negatives of Sharing My Wife." Denote the negatives of such a living arrangement that your wife wishes. List what life will be like living separately for an extended period of time with her still cheating?

After you have done this maybe you will have clarity.

Please keep us posted we are with you.

Minnesota posted 6/18/2018 21:58 PM


I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks. No matter how it ends up, it sucks.

I havne't been on here as much, so am not familiar with your backstory. But from the little I read in your post, I can relate to wanting to have things the "way they were." Or at least the way I thought they were.

In my situation, what I thought was true, just wasn't. The person I married had been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone I didn't really know. I still sometimes miss the person I thought I knew, but that person no longer exists. I co-parent with the person that is there in her place. And I do it well.

I don't know if your wife was also abducted by aliens, never to return, or if she will find her way back. It sounds like you have done some things to get her back (filing for the D- hoping to snap her out of it)- but if it doesn't work, it won't work. She has to want it, too, and I have no idea if she does or not.

I guess all that to say, is that I understand 2nd thoughts. Sometimes I suspect it's like throwing up. (I"m terrified of it, by the way)- It's scary, out of control, messy, but once you're done, you move on. (disclaimer- I haven't thrown up since May 1986- I don't know if the analogy is completely accurate.) And you find out you do live through it. You clean up the mess, brush your teeth, take some time to recover and then get up and move on.

Again- I'm really sorry. Shit sandwiches are no fun. We're with you, though. And we know what it's like. You're not alone. We hear you.

Cacatlady posted 6/19/2018 01:03 AM

There are no two ways about this. It hurts and it sucks. Second thoughts are natural with any big, life altering decision. Getting hit with the fact that you donít recognize the person you are married to is shocking. Bottom line is I donít want to be with someone who clearly doesnít want to be with me. And you shouldnít either. But it is hard. I so get it. Stay strong. We hear you.

squid posted 6/19/2018 07:52 AM

Second thoughts are par for the course around here.

But the bottom line is this: you can't work on a marriage by yourself. Especially not after infidelity.

If she's already moved out of the house then she's well on her way to have moved on from the marriage.

From your first post:

Wife is having a long distance EA with a married man (that was physical once) and after going back and forth between marriage and affair she decided to move out. She finally got a job, a place, and told me she hasnít wanted the marriage for quite some time. She said she wanted to stand on her own.

My STBX went through the same thing. She's gone. Replaced by someone that no longer shares my values in almost every way. So here I am, doing the one thing I never wanted to do (divorce). And just as in the marriage, I'm the one pushing the pace, doing the work, making the decisions, while she sits back and resists like a child that doesn't want to eat her veggies.

You need to accept that yours is gone too. Hard as hell, I know. Your "second thoughts" is just your heart battling it out with your head. There's no convincing her what's right and decent. In her mind every selfish urge she satisfies is right in her own fucked up mind. Until she can recognize that and makes a choice to change, she'll never be a safe partner for you.

Stay strong, HCDude.

nothisfriend posted 6/19/2018 08:35 AM

Mine went through this also. I never got a chance to R because he never asked for it. I asked him to leave the house for a few days so I could get my balance back. When I went to where he was staying to get some money for bills I found OW there. Oh, the lies continued - we're just friends, she's helping me, she's married, I just want to be alone and figure out what I want in life, blah blah blah

I never got an apology. I did get a ranting letter about how evil I was to him. Not all his words, I could tell it took both of them to write it. I've accepted I'll never know all of the truth but I believe I know the jist of it. I think he had done it before. I think this was an exit affair because DS was soon graduating and going to college. I think he saw OW as a sugar mama with money and we always struggled with money. She did inherit, he quit his job, they got married and are starting a business.

OTOH, I own a house and am saving money like crazy. Helping DS with college. I truly didn't think my life could be this good. I thought I would always struggle.

I know you want to hear from her but if her lips are moving she's lying. Look at her actions, what do they tell you? That's the real her.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/19/2018 09:03 AM

Second thoughts are natural. I suspect almost everyone has them.

However much you want R, it seems pretty clear your WW does not. And YOU can't fix the M by yourself. The reason no one is on your side recommendation R, is it would be a waste of time as your WW is not interested.

So, as others have said, you can delay the D as long as you want. It is your choice and no one is forcing you to. But what will you gain by that? You can stay in limbo all you want and stay married, or you go move on with the rest of your life. You want your old life back but you will never have it again, it will never be the same.

Catwoman posted 6/19/2018 09:09 AM

Like any major, life-altering decision, of course you will have second thoughts. That's natural and normal.

I took my second thoughts and worked through them. It was obvious my now-ex didn't want to do any of the hard work to heal our marriage. He was still with the OW (moved in with her and her kids nearly a year before the divorce was final--and oh-so-charmingly didn't tell me for months). He was actively lying and being deceptive. He wasn't going to change.

I miss the man I thought I married, but I sure as hell don't miss the one I divorced.


Lawyerman posted 6/19/2018 12:26 PM

Yes, I have them.

It's natural and my WW is desperate for R. However, I have to counter that with her continued snooping on me and also my suspicion that I do not have the full truth and maybe never will.

Problem is, her words are good but her actions don't match them and I now see how selfish she is and also how childish. Our relationship is no longer balanced.

I could very easily step back in to where I was. Could do it today.

Makesmewannapuke posted 6/19/2018 16:31 PM

Letting second thoughts control you puts you in a miserable life of limbo. At least that's what mine have done.

As others have said, second thoughts are completely normal, natural, expected, etc. Feel them, process them, but don't let them take away your forward motion. Dude, limbo is really sucky. Don't be like me.

Also, I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering right now. Just please trust there's something better for you on the other side....

josiep posted 6/19/2018 17:44 PM

I miss the man I thought I married, but I sure as hell don't miss the one I divorced.


I hope you don't mind but that's going to be my new tagline. I LOVE it!

josiep posted 6/19/2018 17:48 PM


Please consider followin the advice you've gotten here. Unless you need to file for divorce to protect yourself financially and legally, just let it ride until you feel like doing it.

In the meantime, take a class, go on a cruise or a vacation, start a new hobby. Anything that gets you out among other people so you'll begin to feel alive and that you are a necessary piece of something much larger than yourself.

Perhaps look at it like this: You've been set free for a reason; it's now your time to live the life you want to create.

Read biographies of successful people. Many of them became successful in middle age and after they'd suffered a huge betrayal in their lives. This isn't the end of your life, it's truly just the beginning. And it's obvious to almost everyone but you so far that your beginning can't happen as long as she's in the picture.

You've got this. You'll be fine. You'll be better than fine.

Hugs to you to dig deep and find the guy you stuffed down for so long.

newlife03 posted 6/19/2018 17:49 PM

Sure, I had second thoughts. Many times. And time and time again he proved that I needed to do it. And when I finally realized that there was no NC and he wasn't going to change, I finally did it.

June 1, 2009.

I waited until I was 100% certain and I've never looked back.

Be 100% sure, but at the same time, don't wait for her to change. What you see now is what you have and you have to work through it...and ultimately accept it. Hugs.

DevastatedDee posted 6/19/2018 18:06 PM

You're grieving and that is so normal. You didn't deserve this. You deserved a wife who loved and was loyal to you. The pain of discovering you didn't have that is so so awful.

I suspect what you want is for it to never have happened and for what you thought you had to have been reality. None of us can get that. I'd have been one happy content woman if I'd actually had the marriage I thought I was going to have.

We had no choice about this crap and both of our options suck. We know why D sucks, but don't gloss over the reality of why R would suck too. You'd never fully trust her again. You see who she really is now and you can't unsee it. You'd be paranoid every time she was 20 minutes late or didn't answer a text or was on her phone or lied about any little thing or one of you had to be out of town, etc. She could cheat again. You'd never trust her words again. In all honesty, though I tried to R, I'm relieved that my path is now clear to D. I found living like that utterly exhausting and stressful and traumatic. You're getting a new shot at life. Take it. Yes, grieve, but take it anyway. This will hurt less and less as time goes on.

HappyCamperDude posted 6/20/2018 09:07 AM

Thanks everyone. Iím very happy I found this forum. Having a place like this where we can ask questions from others who have been there and are also going through it is very helpful.

Iím going to see her tonight. Itís a tradition in our family for the last day of school for the year to grab a meal out. I invited her to join us....yeah I know, I doesnít fit with NC. This is for my not-so-little girls. There is so much resentment and anger with those kids. And after careful thought, and much reading, I need to demonstrate a mature approach and teach by example. Canít expect them to do what I say and itís not what I do.

Iíll see her demeanor and gauge my responses accordingly. The EA, as far as I know, has come to an end. But we have been here before.

I also agree that D is probably the best thing for me. I never deserved any of this treatment. Our marriage might not have been magical, but I provided, listened, gave and loved. I never strayed.

Iíll post up how the interaction went.

HappyCamperDude posted 6/20/2018 19:23 PM did it go...aside from my oldest shutting down and the WW having a less than stellar attitude.

Before we parted ways I told her this: ďIíve got a signed contract with a check that I havenít mailed yet. I was so close to mailing it the other day and something told me to ask you if you can give me one good reason not to mail it.Ē She told me that she couldnít go back to the way we were married. And could be be that person like she was in October of 2017, because that wasnít really her. She said she didnít want to file because of financial reasons. I gave her my wedding ring and told her to sell it, Iím tired of looking at it (Iíve been carting it around but not wearing it). She wouldnít take it.

I told her that I had bought a couple of poorly written books about what happened between us. Maybe she might like them to read. She told me she can paraphrase what happen in one sentence. ďI fell in love with another man.Ē

So I got my answer. Sounds to me like she wants to have financial stability from the marriage and be on her own.

Oh, and remember everyone - the OM is gone again.

Please tell me placing that contract in the mail was the right thing to do!

[This message edited by HappyCamperDude at 7:24 PM, June 20th (Wednesday)]

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