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Totally blind...

Dragonfly123 posted 6/24/2018 02:16 AM

I feel so sad today, just wanting to vent I guess to people who understand.

I truly believed that my STBXWH loved me and that I loved him and that we were just pottering through life raising our babes and building memories. I believed in the simplicity of our little world. I thought we were happy, genuinely happy.

I still find it incredible that I'm here. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind myself that this isn't a nightmare.

I was so blind. Just so totally blind.

How could I not have seen this coming? How can I have been so wrong?

In the ten years of us being together I worked tirelessly metaphorically and literally to give this man the best possible life I could, I was so grateful and thankful for his love and showed it in every action and thought I had.

And the love I was so grateful for wasn't even there, he just threw us and his family away so easily... how can I have been so blind?

In one of his moments of clarity after DDay 2, he told me that he can't believe he's hurt the one person who has never let him down the one person who has always been there for him, that he was always happy with me and that he loved me so much, but then, even after knowing that, he carried on regardless...

How can I have been so blind?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:34 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 6/24/2018 07:48 AM

Hi. I'm sorry you are so distraught today. It seems like you are grappling with becoming fully aware of what happened.

You sound like a wonderful loving woman, a hard worker, and a person that easily sacrifices for others you value. You seem trusting and exceedingly loyal. And a forgiving and extremely patient person that gives others many chances.

He took advantage of all of your goodness, faithfulness, and loyalty.

Do you think good qualities can become too much? Can become a block to healthy boundaries?

I'm asking because that is what happened to me and that is why I was blind and did not see it coming.

Dragonfly123 posted 6/24/2018 09:40 AM

Thank you Chrysalis...

I really am having a tough day today. I've been NC and the greyest of rocks for two weeks now and I've been so much better but today has just hit me.

I'm struggling to comprehend how my boys and I can have meant so little to him. He really did write me out of the narrative with his AP over the last 8 months. It became a 'fight' between his true love/soulmatism/kismet for her and his resonsibilities for his children (she won). I didn't even factor in it, I was inconsequential.

I've always defended my position as a person who gives/loves too much as 'isn't that what love should be'. But I am having to re-evaluate this now, as it's clearly left me very vulnerable to disordered people like my husband. So yes, I think you're right. I did the lions share of the work in my marriage and never really questioned it. He loved me and that was good enough for me. I was so grateful and thankful that I had his love, or so I thought. I definitely need to firm up my boundaries, like you say. Even when he was living with the AP after the first DDay I had football cards made for him with pictures of our boys on, because I thought he'd like them. Even now I find it hard not to want to give a little kindness to him in regard to him missing the children, and I have to reign myself back as this is his choice... his choice to destroy his family and hurt his children and I.

I've read your story (you clearly went through hell, what an awful man your X is) and realise you've dealt with your boundary issues. How did you go about it? Where do I start?

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 9:50 AM, June 24th (Sunday)]

inconnu posted 6/24/2018 09:53 AM

(((dragonfly123))) I remember those days. This was something I had to work through for myself, and it took a long time to wrap my brain around it.

I don't think you were blind. I think you are a loving person who believed that your husband loved you the same way you loved him. I'm sorry you're hurting so much today.

Dragonfly123 posted 6/24/2018 11:44 AM

inconnu - thank you. I'm happier when I'm in my angry stage than when it all hits me like this. I'm only 3-4 months out from DDay 1 and even though I feel like I've come a long way in gaining strength, courage and some clarity... I still get blindsided by what I can only describe as shock, that the husband I loved so very very much could do this to me and to our beautiful boys.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/24/2018 12:35 PM

Dragonfly, you are wise to be reaching out. Of course you're distraught because this is all so recent. Think of it as a critical injury. If it were physical you would be in ICU.

I healed very slowly because I was being manipulated by him for a long time. I had to learn to trust myself (including my sense of sight, sound and my memory) due to all the gaslighting.

I participated in Alanon for 3 years. Alanon taught me about selfcare and boundaries.

I utilized no contact and became an expert at using email to create a paper trail. I also retained a very skilled attorney.

I saw a therapist. She was a godsend and she helped me learn to find myself.

I benefitted from reading and educating myself. 2 books that I read that you may find useful are:

Why Does He do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Woman Who Love too Much - by Robin Norwood

I participated in SI.

I tried to laugh because it is impossible to be upset and laugh at the same time. So I surrounded myself with things that made me happy. This was hard to do at first.

I didn't do all of the above at once. I slowly started to take positive steps in a healthy direction, and I fell off the horse many times.

I lived my life and slowly I healed. You will heal too and it won't always be this tough.

inconnu posted 6/24/2018 12:40 PM

I'm happier when I'm in my angry stage

I don't know about happier, but I could definitely function better when I was angry instead of sad. I was fortunate enough that my sister would call me every day just so we could go over the increasing long list of shit my now-ex was doing. It would keep me in angry mode, and that was better for me at the time.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/24/2018 12:48 PM

I'm struggling to comprehend how my boys and I can have meant so little to him.

As I read this I thought, it's more likely that his pleasure and selfishness are what motivated him. He truly believes he deserves to be happy and what the fuck is wrong with you and the kids to not see that?

But in the end, does it really matter why he did what he did? He made an abominable decision. Now that you see the real him, you get to decide what it is you want for you and the kids.

By the way, you already were good enough and that wasn't enough for him. If you were Betty Crocker, Mother Teresa, Marilyn Monroe and the most loving mother in the world all rolled into one still would not have stopped him from this decision.

See, it's not about you. It's about him and his fatal flaw of entitlement and selfishness that has always been there.

It took me a long time to wrap my head around that idea. I am good enough and so are my kids. And it's a tragedy he could not see that.

Simplicity posted 6/25/2018 00:38 AM

It can be rough, and I've definitely been there. I'll share what my IC told me and hopefully it might apply to you and help you too.

She said, the problem with the marriage is that he was selfish and dissatisfied, and instead of coming to you with his dissatisfactions and working through things with you, he chose to escape instead.

In essence, the problem with our marriage was him!! Even tho we were picture perfect to everyone else (even I thought we were doing so well!), he was simmering with dissatisfaction, and his selfish and immature was of dealing with it was with another selfish, immature human who entered his life.

Know you can change yourself, but you can never change another person. I definitely have been where you are, and sometime revisit it as well (more than I would like). These are normal feelings.

Dragonfly123 posted 6/25/2018 06:44 AM

Thank you all, I realise that I'm cycling through a range of emotions all the time and this disbelief that he could have chosen wilfully to hurt the family he proclaimed to love so much is just at the forefront. It's also that he knows her actions have hurt his children but he doesn't care, I just don't understand the lack of protection for his boys!?!

But I'm taking on board everything you're saying. I have an amazing friend who gets me back to angry very quickly and she's doing a great job. You're right that maybe happy wasn't the word but I certainly feel healthiest when I'm angry.

Chrysalis - I shall read those books... I do keep cycling back to how pathetic I was to put so much into the marriage for so little reward. I honestly thought his 'love' was reward enough but that wasn't even real. I was so stupidly grateful that someone loved me 'that much'. I guess my self worth was rock bottom. After IVF I started to see the kick arse woman who I was in the mirror, but by then I guess my marriage was habit and patterns of behaviour were set.

Symplicity - yes I totally agree and change is what I want now for myself and my beautiful boys. I tried to 'save his soul' after DDay. I thought trying to get him to wake up was the right thing to do for my boys and for his relationship with them. I know the damage that's done to a parental relationship when children understand the abandonment and wanted to avoid that for my family... but I failed because he doesn't care. I can't change him and I don't want to save his soul now. I want to save my own because I'm worried that I'll never be the same person again and I was (I think) a decent human being before all this. Open trusting faithful loyal honest.

cancuncrushed posted 6/25/2018 14:57 PM

I too struggle with this...I mean, we had children together, our entire future was planned...

I had to first learn about NPD, and then I had to learn to accept it....

Its not that H loved me and changed one day...its that H cannot love...he put on a great show...he knew the type of man I wanted, and became that for a short time..

I think that's why the pain is so large...he was perfect for my needs...he created it...and when he tired of the game, he went elsewhere...

It helps me to know, there was not great love lost, but love was only pretended....I only hope there is someone who really exists, that can be this great....Im not looking...I don't expect to run into it, but I would like to think the world isn't so bad...

Yes, I agree...we can be too nice...we love with everything inside us...that's why they chose us...we are easy targets.

You had a run in with a con man....this had nothing to do with you....I struggle with figuring out what he wanted from me...?????ego kibbles? he sacrificed a lot, worked doesn't seem worth the trouble...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:00 PM, June 25th (Monday)]

IceThee posted 6/26/2018 00:15 AM

You're not alone D123... ugh... they are SO blind and deluded... I'm sorry for your pain, I so understand... (((Dragonfly123)))

Dragonfly123 posted 6/26/2018 06:42 AM

Oh Cancun, your post made me cry... that's such a hard thing to face. But it's something I'm beginning to get. My STBXWH always claims to love our children and somewhere me. He also tells his AP he loves her. But the truth is I don't believe he really loves anyone because if he did, if he was capable of it, his two children would be at the centre of his world, and they're simply not. He is. She isn't. He is. And what he can get from her.

My beautiful boys just mean so little he couldn't even put the effort into try. I see all these posts from WSs who realise the loss of their family and wake the hell up because they do love their children and want what's best for them. But not my WH.

My heart breaks for them when I watch them sleep at night. I know they'll be ok, because they have me and I have so much love in me for those two babes but not to wake up with their daddy, read books with daddy, play games with daddy... all the little daily things. We can do the big things and he gets to see them but it's all the little things.

We used to have this game where when I got home with the boys he would lie on the carpet pretending to clean or look for something, I'd sneak the front door open and the boys would pile in and jump on top of him and he'd fake surprise. They'll never have that again. Stupid that it causes me so much pain and him none at all.

I was an easy target. I'm still an easy target. Hence why I need to sort myself out.

Ice- thank you. I'm just ranting ATM, I'll always feel so stupid. I also have flashbacks to all the little things I said and did while he was having the affair and how stupid and naive and dull I must have appeared to him. Argh!!!!!!

ohforanewme posted 6/26/2018 07:00 AM


I have been battling with what I could say that would be supportive in any way.

I also don't ever seem to understand the the thinking processes of a WS. It is something that I have struggled with from day one and was in fact the thing that brought me to SI.

I have just posted something on precisely this on 12&20's thread.

But then I read what you wrote here, and it resonated with me;

I don't believe he really loves anyone because if he did, if he was capable of it, his two children would be at the centre of his world

My 2PP are at the centre of my world, and there is not way in eternity, that quick, easy, sleazy sex could ever seem to be worth turning their world upside-down.

You have just given me a little more understanding of why I will never understand how XWW came to make the decisions she did.

Our brains are wired differently

Dragonfly123 posted 6/26/2018 10:17 AM

New me... funny you should say that as I wrote that I was thinking exactly the same thing. I honestly can 'get' finding someone else attractive, I can almost 'get' finding yourself in an affair... (although I think it's utterly disgusting) but I don't get the point where you and your kibbles,/selfishness/entitlement would put you and the A and how it makes you feel (not AP, they could be anyone) before your own children. And then still try to claim you love them before all else. It's nonsense!

You're right, we're just not wired the same. We'll never get it, because if you can truly love you can truly understand the damage you'd do to your family and children and you'd just put them first.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 10:18 AM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

Kintsugi posted 6/26/2018 11:47 AM

the one person who has never let him down the one person who has always been there for him

Like Cancun said, they created the image we wanted to se, manipulated it and played the part until we were no longer of use. I too heard this, and honestly, it pissed me off even more than I already was at the time. Controlled anger was my best friend. When I cycled out of the initial round (you will go though multiple cycles of emotion)I was a mess.


Dragonfly123 posted 6/26/2018 13:46 PM

Thanks kintsugi, I do feel like I'm coming back round in thinking AGAIN. Not keen at all, on this cycling through the range of emotions involved with grieving the life I thought I had. Stupid really when you're grieving for something that never existed. This great marriage with a spouse who truly loved you! Ha what a load of nonsense that is! He was playing really happy married man literally two weeks before he started it all.

And yes I'm getting what cancun says about putting it all on because it fulfills a purpose for that period of time. Not sure what's worse though, thinking that they fell out of love with you and their family life (because let's face it when children are involved you're more than just 'you') OR never really loved you and their family in the first place. It's pretty heart breaking stuff whichever argument you settle on...

My boys and I deserved so much better than this A and to an extent, AP to become 'more' than us... it's all so seedy and pathetic! And she's just so 'meh', just so emotionally redundant and ridiculous, it's laughable!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:51 PM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

Kintsugi posted 6/27/2018 07:57 AM

D123, I went to a Frampton concert last night, and this song spoke to me and the process of acceptance and moving on, maybe it will you too. Lines on my Face.

Lines on my head from that one thing she said
She spoke of strangers that don't sleep two a bed
Kept on trying, buying time, not waiting on fate
I somehow got the feeling that I opened my eyes too late

I saw where you came from
Called out your name
But there's no answer
We lived on your doorstep
I made you my wife but I don't need that

Lines on my face, while I laugh lest I cry
Speed city dirt and gritty waving me goodbye
So many people, my family of friends
Trying so hard to make me smile until this heartache mends

I saw where you came from
Called out your name
But there's no answer
We lived on your doorstep
I made you my wife but I don't need that

Ice in her eyes, frozen tears would never be a surprise
You can't erase a dream you can only wake me up
My mind is turning slower, never to accept defeat
It don't matter where I live I still got a house to heat

I saw where you came from
Called out your name
But there's no answer
We lived on your doorstep
I made you my wife but I don't need that

realitybites posted 6/27/2018 09:33 AM

Dragonfly123, you write so eloquently and remind us all of how we feel or felt during that period of seeing and knowing what is happening around you, to that just really painful and weird "coming out of denial" period for a BS. Just those exact same moments that swirl around in our head and we start to remember moments where they did a selfish thing or said something to us that sounded so weird but you just knew it had an underhanded meaning to it, the little digs at us that seemed odd but we brushed it under the rug.... just that over all feeling of just being so super sad and in shock at times of not understanding how it all got so hidden from us.

Some BS's will know that feeling of being totally blindsided, feeling so stupid that we did not see it, the shock and awe of how they silently led another life and were slowly slipping away, yet pretended they were happy at home.

We have to just sometimes allow all of this to cycle thru our emotions, its called the grieving process, for some it is not very long, for others it can last a long time, but what you are doing is grieving the end of something and you are allowed to be sad and then be angry and it will all rotate back around in many different shapes or forms, but it is grieving, its a part of letting it go.

I too found anger to be my friend, many days I truly felt if I was not angry I would just be a huge puddle of goo on the floor never to get back up again. Anger helps you get thru some really tough parts.

But I feel you. I think we all feel it if you have gone thru infidelity in one shape or form. Those who try to R and find out it was false go thru a grieving process. That is why they say this stuff is hard, really hard. Be good to yourself.

[This message edited by realitybites at 9:33 AM, June 27th (Wednesday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 6/27/2018 12:00 PM

Kintsugi, I hadn't heard that song but went straight onto YouTube and listened... it's beautiful. And certainly does speak to the broken hearted and moving on from that and ultimately that's what we all are whether we decide to reconcile or divorce, our hearts have been utterly broken. Thank you for posting that.

Realitybites, thanks for your words. If I could stay at anger I would. I have focus, clarity, good mental health at anger... it's my friend ATM... all the other parts of the process just leave me broken and unable to think straight. And this disbelief part is the worst, just wondering how the hell your 'happy marriage' got here.

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