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Emotionless Infidelity Part 4

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rebplay posted 11/23/2018 12:08 PM

Longsigh- ďanniversaryísĒ are tough. Itís a an extra punch. Iím sorry.

Perdita- kids do add an extra level. At first I didnít want to break up for myself then not for my son. I got to where I knew Iíd be fine on my own. I can support myself and my son. I had many moments of wanting to truly stop trying and just end it. Living with the pain, suspicious, never truly relaxed can be too overwhelming. Iíve gotten to a comfortable place of functionality but Iím not completely happy. Not sure if thatís ever a possibility again though. My son seems happy, which helps. I try to appreciate the good parts of staying together.

marji posted 11/23/2018 14:25 PM


I try to appreciate the good parts of staying together

Reb, thank you, I love this statement. It's my mantra too though I haven't put it in such clear and simple terms as you have here.

Had a memory moment today while we were having lunch. He said he'd been a fool. I said I was the one who had been the fool; I was in the dark; he had done just exactly as he pleased without a moments qualm for 10 years. He asked if I felt a fool now. Guess he meant because we were still together post discovery,

I continued to eat my scrabbled eggs and bagel. I didn't answer but thought about it and didn't quite know how to answer, but your words feel right-- if I can appreciate the good parts, if I benefit in some important ways by staying then I guess Im not a fool.

I sometimes think if I were much younger then I would have quit; Im now in my mid seventies and I think life is easier in many ways because we are together; but if I were much younger then I would have had trouble leaving because of our son. Indeed I was much younger years ago and didn't leave because if our son.

So it can be hard at any time but it really helps if we can appreciate the good parts of staying together. Thank you once again, Reb, for helping put things in perspective.

rebplay posted 11/24/2018 06:54 AM

Marji- that was sweet and thoughtful. I love to read your words. You are better than a counselor and should be a writer if youíre not.

Shocked123 posted 11/24/2018 08:41 AM

Perdita,
I'm not sure what I would have done had I found out when the children were young. I do know that I would have still had my parents and more friends around than I have now.
Both my parents have since passed away, many of our friends have divorced and others are wrapped up in their own growing families. I feel more alone now than when the kids were young and we socialized more with the kids' busy sports lives and school related activities.I would have had more people around me if I had chosen to D.
All this to say that I wish I had found out earlier and that perhaps being younger makes it a little easier to see a brighter future without your husband.
There comes an age where being single is no longer that appealing. I can't imagine dating at my age!
So Perdita, please encourage your H to figure out what was behind the acting out. If you can both understand his actions then that will give you more information on which you can judge if you will have a safe future with him or you will live a life filled with fear of behaviour returning. I know there are no garantees in life, but if you can at least feel reassured that your H is trying then maybe there is a chance to learn to live with the betrayal.
If you are still doubting him, if he is not doing the work, if you cannot imagine living with him in your golden years, then begin to think about a life beyond this marriage.
I understand staying together because of the kids but your children will grow up fast, and then it's just you and your husband. We are on the verge of this now and it's scary.
We should be looking back at all we have accomplished together but instead I look back on lies, deceit, betrayal and heartache.
So yes, our kids grew up with a father, but he was never a dad.
A dad doesn't spend his time looking for the next best HJ from whores then come home to his kids. as though nothing is different. A dad comes home and shows his kids what it is to love their mom. That is the greatest gift he could have given them. Instead he chose the excitement of the whore chase.
He cheated me and them of a normal, loving and fulfilling family life by straying regulary for at least 12 years.
I never had a chance to change things because I didn't know.
You have the gift of an early D day. You are still young as well as your children. You can plan your future now.
Create the life you want for you and your children.
I only wish I could go back in time. You are where I wish I had been 10 years ago.

rebplay posted 11/24/2018 09:04 AM

Shocked- thereís no perfect time to find out even
Though I get what youíre saying. Restarting early with a chance of new happiness sounds appealing. But honestly I would now have doubts about anyone. I just donít see being able to give someone new my complete trust and feel
Totally safe. My faith in human kind will forever be rocked. I may be too old to be young and too young to be too old at this point though. Kids can survive divorce, they do all the time. I think my son would be fine (I think). I donít think Iíd be fine with someone else raising my kid even though heís getting ďolderĒ now. Not yet a teen but getting closer. That would bother me a lot. I think I get along well enough with h as an x to make it work for my son. Iíve had a long time to think about what it would be like to split up. I could do it. My son could do it. I think my h could do it but not as much as I used to think. I have no desire to start over with someone new even though that may change. Ugh. I think thereís regrets either way- staying, going. Cheating just messes up everything - going forward or not. Itís such a senseless act that causes so much long lasting damage. No one wins. Not sure where all that came from. Guess I just needed ďto talkĒ about it. Thanks for listening.

veryhurt2018 posted 11/24/2018 10:58 AM

Marji, I also really enjoy reading your posts. I think you should have been a therapist as your posts are always so meaningful!!

I too feel like having kids changes things, where I feel like I am giving our marriage a harder try because of them. Our boys know exactly whatís going on and they really want us to stay together. The other thing is that I still really love my WH, so if I can ever forgive him, I think weíd be great and live a happy life (if he doesnít cheat again)

On another note, does anyone feel like you are constantly feeling like you are ďnot good enoughĒ or ďnot pretty enoughĒ or ďnot skinny enoughĒ, or ďnot young enoughĒ? I battle this every day and I wonder if I will ever feel normal again. My WH is always trying to make me feel good, but I always think ďif only I was betterĒ, maybe this wouldnít have happened.

We are in the flying back to Cali as I write this, after a nice time with my family. Very emotional though as my WH saw my dad for the first time. Very hard for both of them. Not sure if my dad will ever forgive him, as he has told me that several times. They were very friendly and cordial but it just wasnít the same!!

Like several of you have said, Iím trying to focus on the good things. My WH still loves me and is doing the work to heal our marriage!! I guess I canít ask for anything else. I just canít get the past out of my head!!

Shocked123 posted 11/24/2018 10:59 AM

Rebplay,
I know why you mean about someone else raising your child/ren. It would have killed me too. I wonder what woman would have wanted my H with his track record. Iím favt, Iím not even sure my H would have started a new life with anyone. One of his problems is that he chooses to distance himself from people so why start a new relationship? Itís why he chose EI, for sexual pleasure without any commitment or involvement. He could have easily begun a traditional ďromanticĒ love affair. There are always women around who love to break up marriages that way. He refused that and chose EI.
I understand where youíre at right now as I feel similarly. We are emotionally exhausted and canít even fathom getting out.
Itís Just easier to stay, especially if our Hís are remorseful and doing the work. I do not know if Perditaís H is doing the work.
What bothers me most is my inner voice telling that I am living something that is morally unacceptable. That deep down I know Iím settling because of the fear of the unknown..
I have less energy than i had when the kids were young. I think if I had found out earlier their lives could have been better. Their father would either have been in a better place with IC or he would have been out of their lives earlier.
He lived a secret life for the majority of their lives and I feel they were cheated of a normal relationship with him.
I feel guilty that they lived that all those years and I rarely spoke up and called him on it . In the end, I was making it easier for him to stray.
I was on edge, walking on eggshells, wondering what I was doing wrong and always teying to make things right for him.
They would have had happier if I had found out earlier.
Their father was not the man he pretended to be.
That had an effect on all of us, whether he will admit it or not.
Youírw Right, itís all bad, anyway you look at it
I know you canít go back and change things but stopping earlier would have helped.
12 years is a long time. My gut tells me itís Lomger.
My turn to thank you for listening. Thanks to all of you.

rebplay posted 11/24/2018 14:01 PM

Shocked- yah emotionally exhausted is a good word. I donít think I could be a good person for a new relationship right now. Iím left bitter and couldnít put forth the right effort. Bitter is s good word for me. I can seem ok but im bitter. I think I love and hate my h. I think I have a negative view of people in general. I donít think staying or going would be happy for me at this point. I try to make the most of things most days and sometimes like right now my h irritates me and it makes me feel cold. I hate what heís done to my outlook. Heís changed my kind, cheerful manner for ever. Iím being selfish focusing on me. Your post made me sad for you. Walking on eggshells to make your kids environment ok for them. Living with years of infidelity. Iím truly sorry. So many regrets we have to live with.

[This message edited by rebplay at 2:04 PM, November 24th (Saturday)]

rebplay posted 11/24/2018 14:13 PM

Veryhurt- glad your dad was able to handle the situation cordial. Must have been tough on everyone. I went through a long phase of feeling not good enough, not pretty enough etc. I also felt like I could never be ďdifferent-ď a new experience, novel. No way to be that. Now I donít feel like I owe him anything. I donít want to try to be anything on the outside to benefit him. I loved him the way he was, putting on weight, losing weight etc so why shouldnít he have to love me just the way the way I am. Or not if he doesnít want to. Took a long time to get there. Honestly Iím at a place where I donít feel like he can truly love me and do what he did. Iíll never trust anyoneís love again. Love means fidelity and safety and you just donít do otherwise, ever. Iíll forever be messed up over this. But Iím glad I went from thinking about how to be perfect for him to thinking Iím worthy just as I am.

kaygem posted 11/25/2018 17:50 PM

[This message edited by kaygem at 12:53 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

veryhurt2018 posted 11/26/2018 07:33 AM

kaygem, I'm so sorry you are going through this and feeling all the pain all over again. I think our minds HAVE to know at some point, in order to let it go and get past it. For me, I asked the questions and searched for the info the first 2 weeks and everything came out. I even found several pictures of the prostitutes which was the most painful for me, as the ones that I found were GORGEOUS. I DON'T recommend that anyone do this as it has added another face into our bedroom that I can't seem to erase. This is the one thing that I wish I never did, in this whole painful process.

I feel, in a strange way, a sense of relief that it's finally "over". It just hurts so much.

Our MC has told me over and over again, that the only way to heal from this is to go through it. You can't avoid it because it will just haunt you later. If you were itching to know, then you took a step closer to get over this. Good job.

Shocked123 posted 11/26/2018 08:03 AM

Kaygem,
Horrible to hear, I'm sure but I'm happy for you that now you know everything and can start real healing. I too struggle with thinking there was more. I may never find out because my H claims I know everything now yet the more I work up the nerve to ask, the more small details emerge. It's like playing a game of 20 questions or cross-examining a witness!
I completely get your heartache over oral and kissing. Can't explain why but i also feel that those are almost worse than intercourse. I guess it's because those activities are often associated with a different level of intimacy; one is usually viewed as "romantic", the other as a selfless giving of pleasure.
I suppose we like to think that EI is completely on sided with complete disregard to the other person. Horrible to think that such selfishness would make us feel better.
We are living a warped reality!
Hope you're feeling better this morning. There's something to be said for a fresh new day....Wishng you a fresh new outlook. Sounds like you have a very remorseful and cooperative H.

kaygem posted 11/26/2018 10:58 AM

Veryhurt, yeah..pictures...I have wanted to see them and NOT wanted to see them. So far, there doesn't seem to be a way for me to find them and I guess I'm good with that. And, those whores are in my bedroom, pictures or not.
I do hope this is the END of the detail monsters! IDK though, I always ALWAYS feel like there is something lurking in the dark, waiting to push me into the pit of infidelity despair.

Shocked, I agree about the selfless pleasure part. Who cares about the nameless whore you are screwing? Apparently these guys want the ego kibbles they get from being the orgasm heros.

I literally cannot imagine wanting to give oral to anyone you were not totally in love with. It's just too gross. I yelled at him last night (TMI WARNING) .... that he sucked down the scum of her disease filled pussy and all those she's fucked in her many, many years of whoring. I have gagged and vomited at the thought of it.

kaygem posted 11/26/2018 11:03 AM

I literally cannot believe this is my life now.

My life before this almost seems pollyanna-ish compared to what I have to go through now. I was not a suspicious person...at all! I always assumed the best of everyone and life was so much better when it felt safe.

People say I'm one of the "lucky" BS's because I have a kind, remorseful spouse. Wow, becoming a BS really trumps any "luck" I have in the world of reconciling with a WS I would think.

I am so shocked and disappointed that I have fallen down the stairs again into the pit. I thought we had made so much progress? We had come so far? Now I feel almost as bad as Dday itself? I can't stand the sight of him right now and I am flatlined. And for those who know me...pottery/china smashing has commenced again.

I was SO thrilled that that was behind me. I guess not.

veryhurt2018 posted 11/27/2018 10:57 AM

kaygem, I understand your pain and anger, as I have the same. I never thought I had that much anger in me. I agree, the more information that comes out, the more you go to the bottom again. It's so painful. Like you, I felt like we had a perfect life before this happened, so I am still so baffled that he did this to me.

I was in couples therapy yesterday and WH read a letter that he wrote to himself about how I've been so mean to him and that he has feelings too, and he doesn't want to go through all this pain also. He said that he feels like he's not in control of his marriage anymore and that he feels like he's just waiting to see if I'm good or depressed each day. I freaked out and went off on him that he ruined my life by going to prostitutes on and off for 8 years. It infuriates me that he taking this "poor me" attitude, because the pain that I have is about 100 times as bad as his pain. I just want to scream. It's true that there are times that I feel like hurting him (emotionally) so I lash out at him and say things like "I'm only sticking around until something better comes along", but I don't know what else to do. I'm in so much pain and I don't know what do to with it.

Shocked123 posted 11/27/2018 18:07 PM

Veryhurt and Kaygem,
I long for the days that I was oblivious to my H's dirty habit. Even though he was being somewhat abusive by being withdrawn from the family and detached from me, nothing ever hurt as much as when I found out what he had been up to.
I wish I could still live in my lala world of thinking my poor H was overworked, stressed, getting older, tired and under the effects of a decresed libido because of anti-depressants.
I was miserable but I trusted him.
Nothing is worse than trusting someone who is pulling the wool over your eyes.
I feel like an idiiot to have believed his lies and not associated his mistreatment of me with his cheating.
I completely understand both of you and your heartache. Not many people really get what this type of infidelity (or any type fo that matter) does to your pride and self-esteem.
I'm embarassed, humiliated and shocked that my man, the man I loved enough to marry, paid for sexual gratification on a regular basis. I hate what he did with these women and irrationally hate the women themselves, even though I know they probably do it out of desperation.
Never in a million years did I think that I would end up in such a predicament. I am married to someone I no longer know, yet still love very much.
I am torn inside beacuse I know that it is probably wrong to stay with a cheater, yet, I do...
A part of me is stil trying to make sense of it. I have moments of sheer panic, following by emotional rugsweeping which keeps me going for a few days then it hits again. I actually shake my head to try to clear the mind movies.
I watch my life unfold as though it belongs to someone else.
I have yet to cry. I am numb. Can't even be mad for some reason.
Maybe I just don't love him any longer. Perhaps I just love him out of habit.
One thing I do know is that he lost all respect from me and loving someone you don't respect is vey challenging.
In fact, he did it to me for years. Claimed he loved me but continued to disrepect me.
I am so sorry for all of us. While I understand that life isn't always easy, why did they have to find something so stupid to do to intentionally hurt us?

Perdita1 posted 11/28/2018 07:26 AM

I had a rubbish day today, Iím down and gloomy. But just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear you guys hurting, how much I relate to the questions of how could they do this to us, how much I get how hard it is to stay with someone you no longer respect. Iíll write more another day, when Iíve pulled myself out of todayís mire enough to get up the energy. Some days are so hard.

Perdita1 posted 11/28/2018 07:38 AM

A thought just popped into my mind (so much for switching off) - do any of your Ws keep in contact with people who think this kind of EI is ok? The reason I ask is that in my WHís industry this kind of behavior is apparently disgustingly common (heís told me it is). But he Ďdoesnít judge people by this one flawí. I donít want to associate with people who do this. Iím not sure itís healthy for him to do so either. But it seems to be everywhere...is it unavoidable?!

marji posted 11/28/2018 11:34 AM

So sorry you are having such a difficult day, Perdita, unfortunately what they've done brings us those kinds of days.

Not quite sure what you mean by the kind of behavior that's common in his industry--Im thinking you may mean strip clubs? parlors? Unfortunately I think it is all too common in many areas--if you're talking about pay-for-sex type of EI--surely a billion dollar enterprise; our H's were not the only patrons. But it's not universal and I would not want my H to be associating with those who did as he did. It's not healthy for a person working to avoid unhealthy behavior to be with others who are not of like mind.

Don't know any details of your husband's situation or occupation but yes, very bad, very ugly exploitative, violating behavior is avoidable. But he has to want to avoid it. Hope that's the case.


Perdita1 posted 12/1/2018 08:37 AM

Marji - strip clubs (and then cheating with the strippers) is apparently all part of a night out / business trip in WHís industry. Charming, right? And how nice that I didnít know all this time. He says heís better than that now, and wonít go to these places anymore but frankly I am having another bad day and I just donít know what to do with that.

I donít know what to say to him about this anymore. We could re-hash the behaviour, but any Ďexplanationí just makes me furious (we talked about this in MC today, and it ruined my day). I want him to make me feel better, but I donít know what would make me feel better. I want to sleep most of the time, but right now Iím wide awake and on a hamster wheel inside my head.

Shocked - Iím still trying to fathom what was behind the acting out - I canít write it yet but basically life got difficult and he wanted to escape. Never mind that it was difficult for me too and I didnít do what he did. It just makes me want to scream.

The kids usually give me a reason to try. I donít know why today that seems so far away.

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