Devastatedwifey,
You will experience a variety of emotions as you heal. We call this being on the emotional rollercoaster. Many of us are on it. Some of us are a few cars up and some are a few back. We ride it with you and it is hell. When angry or in the anger phase of grief and recovery try and direct it (if possible) to push the healing process forward.
If you must scream and break things that is okay too. I suggest you pick items of little or no sentimental or monetary value. Pillow pounding or throwing is best if you need a physical release.
I am sorry for the pain and trauma your husbands actions have caused you.
Your husbands infidelity is common among wayward spouses. They have the yearning to cheat, feel entitled, and when traveling or other circumstances arise they create the situation to act. Other times the wayward spouse, like your husband, will find themselves in situations they have allowed to spiral out of control and then act on their selfish desires.
I have seen this in my personal life. People are having sex with some nasty morsels of humanity. In such cases the wayward spouse does not matter. They are nothing but a toy...a piece of meat. The only thing desired by the other woman is the psychological need of validation she fulfilled in her having sex with him and perhaps the pleasure his body provided. That is all she was after. He was faceless. He was used.
Your husband made a conscious choice to betray first himself and then betray you when he allowed himself to be involved with this woman. Your husband's decision to cheat and have sex with a $%#&$ required him to make a number of decisions and accomplish a number of acts. He was acting to break vows, destroy those he professed to love, and shatter a marriage all for something. In your husband's case the something extra was sex plus whatever other deficiency he had.
His boundaries, decision making process, and allowing someone of her ilk to harm you and him in such a horrible way is where he must go to heal himself. He must eliminate the wayward thinking so that infidelity will never be an option for him again.
At no point did he involve you or make you aware of what he was up to. You did not allow her to cross boundaries or open the hotel room door and invite her in. Since you did not have a say in the betrayal, it requires him to accomplish the repair.
He must own his actions and must better himself to become the spouse you deserve. He must do the work to be a safe husband for you and excellent father for your childen.
Somehow at somepoint a change must happen in him. He must get out of the wayward mindset. Prior to engaging in acts with another person he must turn his focus from harmful desires and think. He must answer a couple of questions:
* How does this impact my wife?
* How is this good for my family?
As you can see your husband has a lot of work to do.
You also need to heal and process the trauma and pain of his betrayal. He needs to help you with this.
One thing I wish to warm you about is the minimization of infidelity termed rugsweeping. Many wayward spouses want the betrayal to be forgotten and often betrayed spouses long for things to return to normal that they choose to rugsweep the infidelity.
Rugsweeping is a form of denial. It is fake. It is named after the idea of sweeping dirt under the rug, so that it’s not really clean at all…just hidden. Basically, one or both spouses pretend that everything is back to normal. The issues in the marriage are not addressed. There is no work done by the wayward spouse so that cheating is not an option. When the situation or stimulus reoccurs infidelity transpires. Rugsweeping may produce resentment in the betrayed spouse and one day they have had enough and end the marriage.
The acts of betrayal cause tremendous damage to the betrayed spouse, wayward spouse, and their family. That is why it is vital he do the work and you heal. Right now he does not know the pain and harm he has caused you. From your posts he is reacting out of shame and guilt.
I realize I covered several topics in this post. If clarification is required do not hesitate to point it out to me. I probably should have posted the topics singularly. I went from emotional rollercoaster to anger, infidelity and healing, to a warning about rugsweeping. My goal is to help you heal and point out potential pitfalls as you navigate your way in this most difficult time in your life.
Please note:
He must do the work if you and him are to have the marriage both of you deserve.
Many relationships on SI have healed and been better than the original marriage. There is no reason yours cannot as well.
We will be with you as you journey out of infidelity.
[This message edited by Ripped62 at 2:11 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]