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Serious advice needed

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jesebeard posted 8/26/2018 22:07 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's infidelity. Yes, time could heal all your pain but he should do his part as well. He should show that he is worthy for your trust again.

Hurtmyheart posted 8/27/2018 00:54 AM

It's really not your husbands choice to decide when to talk about his infidelity, how often to talk about it or for how long to talk about the pain he caused you. If you want to talk about it 24/7 then talk away!

Nothing held me back when I needed to talk. My WH made his choice to cause devastation to our marriage and family and I made a choice to be heard. I didn't care what time in the day it was, if I wanted to talk about my pain or ask him the same questions over-and-over again, that is exactly what I did and I made sure that I was heard.

Sorry to sound so cold and unforgiving but that is where I was at the time. But I also didn't sign up for this horrible journey and neither did you.

I didn't feel much sympathy and compassion for my WH when first going through the personal hell he put me through. I became a not very nice person toward my husband. I think part of my husbands change came because I took a stand and didn't allow him to mistreat me anymore just as your husband is doing to you when he trys to control the situation by not allowing you to talk. F*** him!

Ripped62 posted 8/27/2018 05:17 AM

After trauma of this magnitude you have to talk about it to resolve what happened especially this early since discovery.

Processing what has happened to you and thinking about the betrayal constantly are normal right now. It does get better with time. I still think about what has happened to me many times each day. You must heal.

I am sorry infidelity is starting to effect everyday life. Trauma of this magnitude will. It will get better as you heal.

Forgetting things and appointments, plus work slipping is normal. I scaled back tremendously and tried not to over complicate my life during this time. I utilized a calendar with very detailed activities and "to do lists" like never before. My memory was much poorer than normal. Try to simplify work tasks into manageable steps or tasks. If necessary tell your employer you are going through medical issues now. A physician will provide you with documentation if you talk with them and at some point you may need a prescription to quiet the emotions and allow you to rest/sleep.

If you must, talk to the instructor or University if you have to defer completion of assignments or tell your WH that he has to pick up slack for the next 2 weeks for you to work on your Master's degree and assignments.

It is horrible the problems infidelity causes in our lives. I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could take away your pain. In time and with healing it does get better. The trauma will lessen.

We will be with you as you heal. Please let us know how you are doing. We are here for you.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:27 AM, August 27th (Monday)]

Devastatedwifey posted 8/27/2018 19:57 PM

I've started looking into counseling and I will contact my school about my class. My kids are starting to notice I'm "off". The youngest ask why daddy doesn't share a room with me anymore. To make matters worse my in laws are coming next week. He's in the guest room. I'm not ready for him to return to our room. Don't know what I'm going to do.

Notmine posted 8/29/2018 06:25 AM

I agree with the other poster. Your husband does not get to decide how you need to deal with his affair. HE did not consult with you when he blew your life up. Therefore, he gave up the right to call the shots now that you have to deal with what HE chose to do. It fries my ass when cheaters say that do not wish to talk about the affair. WE wish that they did not have sex with someone else!! HE gets to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.

How did the common whore get his hotel room number?

Devastatedwifey posted 8/29/2018 07:54 AM

Hi Notmine, she got his room number from hget friend who was staying on the same floor.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/29/2018 08:01 AM

Hey everyone I'm checking in. Today I'm dreading the weekend getting closer. Its a holiday weekend which means friends and family will be around. No one in our circle knows what happened, how do I get through the weekend with my constant ups and downs? His family will be here next week and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about having to put on a charade while the visit. I'm down to one meal a day and I get sick when I try to eat or think about food.

ShutterHappy posted 8/29/2018 08:57 AM

Think about yourself first. Cancel the visit, explain that your H has been unfaithful and you need time to process this.

Remember that this is 100% his fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have to focus on yourself, the in laws are not important. Itís like worrying about whether you left the coffe machine on while the house is burning.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/29/2018 13:09 PM

Shutterhappy, I don't think I can cancel the visit. They are coming to town for the grandkids. Several events going on. I feel canceling their visit will make the issues between my H and I more prevalent in the kids eyes. I could be wrong but I think we've done a good job of keeping it from them. They asked why dad sleeps in the guest room and I told them it's because he snores too loud (not a lie just not the "real" reason). My in laws normally sleep in the room he's currently occupying. He offered to sleep on the floor of our bedroom while they are visiting. He said he knows I'm not ready for him to be in the same bed.

ibonnie posted 8/30/2018 10:37 AM

I believe that you're only as sick as your secrets. I understand being a private person, I understand not wanting everyone to know your business. But it kills you inside to pretend that you're okay and everything is fine when it's not.

And it's nothing that YOU did, so you shouldn't feel ashamed about what happened, but maybe you do. Maybe you're worried people will blame you for being a "bad" wife, or shut you down when you really need support.

Please consider being honest with his parents. Or ask him to do it -- "Mom, Dad, I'm sleeping on the couch this week because I cheated on Devastedwifey, and she needs some space."

My mother-in-law was one of the first people I told -- she wanted to know if she should book us a hotel room, and I burst into tears and said that I didn't know if we would still be together in two months. She was kind and supportive, and let my fWS, her son, know that she thought he was being a selfish idiot and making the biggest mistake of his life.

Anyways. You can use the support. You shouldn't have to keep his secrets. And trying to pretend everythings okay will gut you. Consider if being honest will take a weight off of your shoulders. You don't have to tell your family yet -- they'll probably have a much harder time forgiving him. But his parents will (hopefully) love him no matter what, even if they disapprove of what he did.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:38 AM, August 30th (Thursday)]

Devastatedwifey posted 8/30/2018 19:52 PM

IBonnie, thank you for the advice. I'm still up in the air about telling his parents especially his mom. I'm not sure of how she'll react. He's the youngest and I think she'll say I'm over reacting. But then again she might RIP him a new one hard to tell.

Devastatedwifey posted 8/31/2018 07:40 AM

My M is doomed. My H friends are not healthy for our marriage. Every one of them have cheated or are cheating on their spouse. They send each other pictures of women saying "what if she asked to be your side piece?" WTF!!! They are supposed to be married men behaving this way. I told my H if he wanted our marriage to work then he had to cut ties with those people. I said their behavior makes it easy to cheat and not one of them understands what it means to be committed to someone. His response was I don't respond to stuff like that. I told him by not shutting it down you are condoning their behavior. It's sickening. I told him I'm not going to live my life questioning where you are what you are doing and with who. Every one of his friends relationships have fallen apart, EVERY SINGLE ONE.

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/31/2018 12:51 PM

I hope that you make it thru the holiday and visit. It will be hard to keep up a facade of normalcy.

If at some point during the visit your MIL or FIL says "Devastated daughter in law, you seem upset. Is there something wrong?" would you tell her the truth?

I bet his parents raised him better than to be a married guy who has at least one, ONS, and he does not what them to know, but by you covering for him...I don't know if that is the best thing to do. Be honest.

After my D my MIL (we were close) understood that people divorce for various reasons but she apologized and felt horrible about my xWW EA and PA. She felt so bad about what her daughter did.

Hang in there, it'll be slow around here over the weekend (in the US) but people will check in...

Devastatedwifey posted 8/31/2018 13:05 PM

Mickeybill2016, after the explosion of anger I had last night I'm not sure anyone in my household (MIL FIL are not here yet) isn't aware of what he did. I screamed at the top of my lungs GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! It was late and all the kids had gone to bed, but I have a 17 who stays up pretty late in his room. My H doesn't think the unhealthy friendship he has with his friends is a problem for our marriage.

Tell me if I'm over reacting. Would any of you allow your spouse to remain friends with people who cheat, who send nude pictures with captions like side piece and other deplorable comments?

I know these people didn't make him cheat, but they sure don't sound like the type that would've stopped him either. I'm a firm believer in "birds of a feather".

Buster123 posted 8/31/2018 21:04 PM

You're not overreacing at all, your WH cheated, risked your life with an STD and should be begging you to stay with him and not file for D, DD was just a few weeks ago, he should be bending backwards to meet your demands, to gain your trust back and make himself a safe partner.

If his behavior doesn't change, consult an attorney and file for D (you can stop it at any time), if he comes around and changes his lifestyle, offer you full transparency and access to his phone, laptop, emails and passwords then you may consider stopping the D process and try to R, otherwise just let D run its course and avoid future pain and suffering.

nextday posted 8/31/2018 21:43 PM

Dear Devastatedwifey-6 months ago my WH came home from a retreat that he went to with my daughter and told me he cheated on me with one of the other kids' mother. Like you, this woman seemed set on making something happen as she brought a bottle of liqour to his room and they got sloshed drunk. He said he regretted it immediately and came home and told me. The shameless OW actually reached out to him and asked for him to hang out with her WITH THE KIDS again. I mention all this because, as clear as it was that she wanted him, that woman owed me nothing. It was 100% my husband's fault, as he was the one who vowed to love and respect and be faithful to me. He made a series of choices that ended in him cheating on me.

Since that night, he has gone to weekly IC and MC with me, taken on the guilt of what he did and what kind of man he really is, as well as it's impact on me and my happiness. He is not the one steering this ship of recovery, and sometimes when I have been so lost I didn't know what I needed, it has been his role to step up and do what was best for us and me - not for him - in terms of talking through things. This is what you deserve if you are to reconcile with him. He owes it to you.

And yes, the friends should go. If he is equating that choice to you trying to run his life and strip him of his Independence, he just doesn't get what real friends are and what is healthy for himself. This is where MC could really help - an objective party telling him what is reasonable and what is not.

It does hurt less with time. I hope that helps.

[This message edited by nextday at 9:44 PM, August 31st (Friday)]

Justincase posted 9/1/2018 05:53 AM

If any of his friends, by some miracle, is in a relationship I'd out them to their BS at a gathering so no one would be forewarned. I'd certainly appreciate it if someone did it for me.

And yes, floor or couch for him

jesebeard posted 9/5/2018 03:47 AM

I agree with Buster123. You should file a divorce if he doesn't change at all. There's no point in continuing the marriage when there is no love and respect left between the both of you.He doesn't deserve you at all. Move on from the pain he has caused you and continue to live your life without him.

jesebeard posted 9/5/2018 03:47 AM

I agree with Buster123. You should file a divorce if he doesn't change at all. There's no point in continuing the marriage when there is no love and respect left between the both of you.He doesn't deserve you at all. Move on from the pain he has caused you and continue to live your life without him.

Devastatedwifey posted 9/12/2018 11:24 AM

Hello all, I'm back. Let me start by saying my in laws cancelled so I dodged a bullet there, sort of. Because my in laws are coming WH moved all his belongings back into our bedroom and subsequently our bed as well. I'm on the fence about it. I really missed sharing our bed but I'm still worried that it may send the wrong message. WH still continues to apologize and acknowledge the pain he caused and the mess he created. He doesn't try to stifle my feelings be it sadness or rage. My request that he not hang out with his friends is a little difficult. We all hang out (husbands, wives and children). I asked that he not go out with his friends unless it's a couple event. He agreed but asked that we be able to revisit the issue at a later date when our relationship is stronger. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that. I've never been a fan of his friends their behavior is despicable. Up until this point I've trusted my WH believing he was the exception and not the rule. I knew about the crap his friends would send and also knew that he was essentially on the text or email chains but never responded. That all changed when I found a text from him to a friend with a picture of a woman and he wrote "hope this sits next to me on the plane" (trip was also the trip when he cheated). I told him that sort of behavior is unacceptable and how would he like it if I was sending messages like that? He agreed that it was not appropriate and promised to never do it again. I just feel like cutting the friends out will lessen the likelihood of this crap happening again, that and some much needed changes in our marriage.

I said all that to say we are attempting reconciliation. It's been a week since I asked him to have NC with his friends outside of couple events. So far he's compiling which I know is difficult especially with it being football season. It's been cool sharing that with him after all I love football too.

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