SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

lonelyfox posted 9/1/2018 13:43 PM

Never thought I’d find myself here but here I am feeling like a back up plan and a piece trash.
...

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 10:23 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 9/1/2018 15:09 PM

It sounds like you might need legal assistance WRT ow, say, a Restraining Order. She sounds like a real peach, and dumb as a peach, too.

What's your H doing to help you heal? What is he doing to heal himself, to change from cheater to good partner?

He didn't cheat because of you or your M. He cheated because of his own issues. Unless he resolves those issues, he's not likely to be a good candidate for R.

You may get some responses that describe a lot of hurtful stuff. Just remember: no one here knows you. No one here can read your H's mind or ow's or her ex's either.

All we know about you is what you post.

Welcome to SI. I suggest you do some reading in the healing library - link is in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

Also, if you like to read, here are some more suggestions:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies
Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

lonelyfox posted 9/1/2018 16:53 PM

Thank you, sisson. I appreciate your advice.

I do not want to cause any more problem by taking any legal action now she stopped contacting me. Hopefully, she will never contact us again. Yes, I'm upset with her but I do not wish her harm. I just want her to stay away from us.

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 9:54 AM, September 2nd (Sunday)]

Blondie517 posted 9/1/2018 19:33 PM

It's almost like a double betrayal, isn't it? I was SO kind to the OW in my WH's life.. TOO kind.. and I regret it to this day. I shouldve told her what I really thought of her because despite my kindness, she lied to me, repeatedly. She didn't owe me anything but damn.. no sense of "girl code" or being on the same team here since he betrayed and lied to both of us? My husband is dropping you off at the curb now like the trash that you are, you might as well give me the truth. But, nope

We can hold our heads high knowing that throughout all of this, we acted with grace. Hold onto that - YOU are the better woman. Although, in your case, I might be tempted to tell the bitch to meet me at my house, then, if she already knew where I lived and was prepared to do something.. LOL, sorry.. bad advice. My WHs OW lives across the country and I fantasize about hopping on a plane almost daily.. just keep holding your head up.

kaygem posted 9/1/2018 19:50 PM

First, there is a 99.5% chance that they are lying about the sex. They probably collaborated their stories and lied together. Of course they had sex. Ask him to do a polygraph.

I got from your post that you are more focused on the fear of this OW than the betrayal of your husband? Not sure but I think you need to find your anger, put on your bitch boots and become a mama bear. NO OW would be allowed to treat me like that. I believe they would be afraid of me, not the other way around. She doesn't deserve your kindness, BTW and she has perceived it as weakness on your part. Show her you are not weak or afraid of her. I won't write what I would do, but believe me, she wouldn't come near me after I confronted her and told her exactly what would happen to her if she ever showed her face in my presence.

You've been lied to, betrayed, and now they are trying to put the blame on you? Get creative and don't stand for that crap!

I'm so sorry that you've been traumatized by this, I hope that you can focus on your own healing in the near future and please don't decide to forgive and move on to quickly. You WH has really dealt you a raw deal and he needs to prove to you that he can be a loving, all-in and safe partner to you.

lonelyfox posted 9/3/2018 10:05 AM

Yes, I’m worried and I’m afraid of OW. She doesn’t seem have a sense of right and wrong, and have no conscience of her actions.
I’ll concentrate on healing and staying strong for my kids.
Thank you!

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 3:18 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 9/4/2018 17:21 PM

Hi lonelyfox, I'm sorry you are here. You'll get good advice, keep posting so we can help you.

I'm really concerned about this:

he’s got a temper. Every time I get upset about affair, he gets upset. Things get heated really fast and we would ended up fighting and he’d run away and not return for the night.

It doesn't sound like he really cares how much he hurt you and isn't sincere about helping you heal. That such a selfish thing to do, to get angry at you for the pain he caused you? That's like being mad about the blood spurting out of your back from the knife he stabbed in there.

Please be very careful before you jump into trying to heal your marriage with this guy, he really doesn't seem like a winner here. It really doesn't bode well for him to change his ways when he reacts like this.

Instead of trying to focus on him, focus on your own healing. Get yourself into therapy. Really. This is so important. You are hurting and you need help!!!

And it's highly probable that your depression is in part because of your WH pulling away from you and generally being a shitty human being. It's hard to be happy when that is happening in the background because your WH will do all these backhanded things to make you look bad so he looks good. Now that you know this was going on behind your back, you need to get support to make sense of this crazymaking and start on a path to healing your broken heart.

He should sell that car pronto and put the money into an account that you can use to pay for therapy. If he's serious about repairing the damage he's done that's the very least he can do.

lonelyfox posted 9/5/2018 12:23 PM

I have no one else to talk to about the affair and I've been struggling.
Thank you all for your advice.
I'm going to focus on healing from this affair, my health and my children.
I've already told my husband that reconciliation is impossible unless he resolve his issues.

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 12:25 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

lonelyfox posted 9/5/2018 12:47 PM

OW texted me again....

"I hope you can keep your word on not contacting us EVER again. Because I WILL go to your house. (Not a threat, a fair warning) And not for a second think that I could be bluffing.
Your address starts with...
so
Hope you find closure.
I don't need a response. Don't reply."

I don't know the truth. I don't know her, nor do I owe her. Why can't she understand that? She is a stranger. What should I do?

Should I text back and try to reason with this person so or should I just leave it alone? This is so frustrating.

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 1:40 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

Starzen posted 9/5/2018 14:05 PM

Time to file for a restraining order.

max2018 posted 9/5/2018 14:14 PM

take everything to the police now

get a RO on her

by the way where is you POS WH ??

lonelyfox posted 9/5/2018 14:14 PM

I just called the police department. They're sending someone to give me advice.

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 2:15 PM, September 5th (Wednesday)]

Starzen posted 9/5/2018 14:17 PM

Good job fox. There are crazies out there so protect yourself by doing it all the legal way. Restraining order will put a stop to her nonsense.

MaggieNow1960 posted 9/5/2018 14:18 PM

I would not reply to her. Ignore it and any future communications as well.
Sorry that you find yourself in this position. I know it's difficult, but you need to try and discover your power.

Momo24 posted 9/5/2018 14:29 PM

Ok, I'm going to say this have you went for STDs tests? Cheaters lie. Since they know she has herpes, still doesn't mean there was no sex. Just in case?
Sorry for you. Nobody deserves this kind of disrespect.

ShutterHappy posted 9/5/2018 14:46 PM

You must protect yourself and your children first. Sending threatening text while saying it’s not a threat is still a threat.

Talking to the police was a good move.

he’s got a temper. Every time I get upset about affair, he gets upset.

Do you feel threatened by your husband? You may need to take steps there as well.

lonelyfox posted 9/5/2018 14:56 PM

Police officer just left. I explained everything to him and showed him all the texts. He thinks OW just wanted me to stop contacting her and her ex. He said because I responded the texts prior so I was communicating with her and I didn’t make it clear with her that I’ll contact the police. There is nothing he can do right now. Call 911 if she shows up.

So I texted OW back one last time and this time I told her not to contact me ever again and stay away from me or my family. I told her I'll call the police if she shows up at my house.

No more communications. I’ll not respond anymore if she texts again.

I don’t know if they have sex or not, but yes, WH tested for Herpes. It came back negative.

Thank you all very much.

[This message edited by lonelyfox at 7:51 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Momo24 posted 9/5/2018 17:37 PM

Good. Take care my dear.

lonelyfox posted 9/5/2018 17:44 PM

Thank you, Momo24.

northeasternarea posted 9/5/2018 19:15 PM

Yes, he got tested for Herpes. It came back negative.

Hav you gotten a full STD screening?