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not sure how to feel

tjmw2011 posted 9/9/2018 18:23 PM

Hello all,
Thank you for replying to my post in advance :-)

I have been with my spouse/partner for 12 years. We have been married for just about 7. I just recently found out about a 1 time (so he says), episode that he had with a friend from high school. This happened about 2.5 years into our relationship. This friend popped up out of the blue, and at the time something felt off, but I was assured it was 'nothing and that they had only met for dinner, where she complained the entire time about her boyfriend' at the time- later husband. Then about 3 years ago she pops up again, newly divorced with a child. (the child is 8 now.) so a couple things, pardon my jumbled thoughts.

1. she told my husband that she was not married at the time they reconnected. Given the timing of when her child was born, I think she was lying. her child was born in august of 2010. she met up with my now husband in september/ october of 2009. I remember it very well because he was behaving so oddly- but I couldn't figure out why. being naive, I guess. No, I don't think the child is actually my husbands.

2. my husband and I have access to each others facebooks. they send each other messages. Not frequently, now, mostly different gifs and meme's. I haven't found anything glaring, but I also don't know if the meme's and gifs are code. It almost seems as though she reaches out to my husband whenever she is not in a relationship, sort of.

3. she is currently in a relationship, of about 8 months, and seems to be happy. her last message to my husband was in august. before then it was June.

4. since this was a long time ago, I don't know if I should let it go. (we do have a child now, who is 6.)

5. I understand mistakes are made, but it bothers me that they still talk.

6. I know that if roles were reversed, there wouldn't be any forgiveness, so why am I inclined to forgive?

7. I honestly don't know if I am more upset that he did it, or that he kept it a secret for so long, as he is something who claims to be "honest about everything."

ugh. I was calm when my suspicions were confirmed, when i finally flat out asked. Now I'm confused. not angry so much as hurt.

Mene posted 9/9/2018 18:55 PM

Mistake? Ummmm... no. An affair is not a mistake.

Re child, the only way youíll know is if there is a paternity test.

More people will come along soon to give you good advice.

Iím sorry you found yourself here.

Mene posted 9/9/2018 19:21 PM

You have every right to feel something is out of place. He needs to make you feel safe in your marriage. Firstly, why is he going out to dinner and keeping in contact with a former female friend (potentially could have been a former girlfriend)? If she is just a friend, why didnít you attend dinnner? This is a red flag. Would he approve if you did the same with a former boyfriend?

Bestthing posted 9/9/2018 19:31 PM

I am sorry this happened to you. You absolutely has the right to be angry. Donít sweep this under. Even though it happened a long time ago, it is news for you and you now have to revise your history with your husband. That revision should take time, and he has to be willing to help. He should never say to you ďbabe, that happened years ago. She and I are only friends now!Ē Once they chose to cross the line, they messed up their friendship when there is a spouse involved. Maybe they should have thought about their friendship before sleeping together. What is more important: their friendship or the marriage. He needs to drop her now to make you feel safe and to give you some respect.

How can he prove that they have only been together once throughout the years?

tjmw2011 posted 9/10/2018 17:19 PM

Thank you.

I am not sure how to ask for proof of no other physical contact between them since 2009. i have obvious proof of messenger messages, for what is, I think, considered an emotional affair.

Part of me is very tempted to send screen shots to her current boyfriend. But that would be purely out of spite, and not because I would want to warn him out of kindness. does that make sense?

I am still sorting out my feelings. I don't feel angry, yet. although I am sure that will come. Just more disappointed and blind-sided even though I had a suspicion all those years ago-- it's something else to have a nagging feeling brought out as truth.

We both adore our son, and I do think we can put this past us. but...not without him dropping the friendship.

Robert22205https posted 9/10/2018 18:36 PM

Both should read Not Just Friends ....you can get it used on Amazon.

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