"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

babbu posted 9/13/2018 23:03 PM

So ... wait. She tampered with the condoms and his life. He STILL walked out on you to go to this evil person? If he did, run. Run.

Morp123 posted 9/18/2018 08:01 AM

He didn't walk out on me to be with her, he walked out as he planned on endings life that evening and didn't want me to be the one to find him. He went to hers on the way to his parents to tell her he wanted nothing more to do with either of them and not to contact him ever again. He then blocked her on all social media and phone before telling me the reason for him leaving. He'd realised that she would tell people if he was gone so she could be the 'grieving widow' and that would hurt me even more

Morp123 posted 9/18/2018 08:04 AM

We attended a marriage counselling session yesterday. I'd had a bad day already so was dreading it but it was good to be able to get things off my chest and have a 3rd party validate a lot of what I was feeling. She's asked to see us individually for a few sessions to get to the heart of where the issues lie for each of us.
I still feel a need to know why it happened and he just can't tell me right now. I think he's also desperate to understand how he's done this but can't think of a single part of our relationship that was bad at the time.

Morp123 posted 9/18/2018 08:18 AM

AS far as the pics go- they are not explicit but there are pics of them lying in bed together and 'as a couple'.
I had intended to just deny it to anyone she told, explain that she was jealous as we were having a baby together and they'd fallen out and at least save face for myself a little. I can't do that now as she has proof of their relationship. I'm more worried that she may try to get revenge on him by sending the pics to me. I don't want to see them, I see them in my head often enough.
My WH said to the counsellor that over a month in he thought we'd either be over or heading towards more good days than bad but it doesn't feel like that at the minute. I'm concerned he has unrealistic expectations about how fast I'll heal. Today I gave myself a pat on the back for making it all the through a 10 minute conversation without thinking about the 2 of them. Yesterday I made it all the way through the day without driving past her house to see if she'd pitched back up again.
If she moves properly I think I'll be able to concentrate on me more, he had a panic attack at the supermarket a few days ago as he thought he saw her and didn't know what to do. He rang me to tell me he thought she was in the shop and he was hiding in an aisle so she didn't see him. When I got there it wasn't her but hes now terrified of going out in the area in case he bumps into her and I think it was on purpose.
I know a lot of my behaviour at the moment is around minimising the information that may 'get out' and don't want him to think I'm protecting him from the consequences but, as far as I'm concerned, the more people who know the truth the more chance there is that my baby or step-daughter may find out one day and thats not something I ever want to happen.

Morp123 posted 9/19/2018 03:16 AM

We spoke last night about his expectations around how long its going to take to get to a place where there are 'good days'. He acknowledges that he is being overly optimistic but is desperate for me to feel some relief as he hates seeing me in pain (shame he hadn't thought about that earlier). Hes adamant he will be here and fully present and faithful no matter how long the healing takes.

I had a wobble this morning and sent him an email suggesting he move in with her for 6 months to see if their fantasy could live up to real life so he could be sure he was making the right choice. He hasn't opened it yet (he'll still be asleep) but I'm now seeing what a silly thing I've done, putting obstacles and tests in the way to see how he reacts. I'm not sure there will be a right way for him to respond with how I'm feeling this morning.

Smillie posted 9/19/2018 05:22 AM

Ok. I feel concerned about a couple of things.

1) He is responsible for the child he created although he seems happy to have nothing to do with it.

2) He is using his depression/suicide/therapy to hide from responsibilities and be the victim.

I am going to be brutally honest here. This guy sounds like a coward and I think you should divorce him, have him pay child support and move on with your life. He has made a total mess of things and he just wants to bury his head in the sand.

Morp123 posted 9/19/2018 07:14 AM

he doesn't want anything to do with the child but he made that clear with her when he found out she was pregnant and she chose to still have the child therefore I have no issue with him not having anything to do with it. She was fully aware of his situation as she was a friend of both of ours so I'm not going to feel guilty that shes put herself in that situation. If he did want a relationship with it then we wouldn't be considering our relationship at all.

He isn't hiding behind his mental health, hes addressing the issues there but has taken full responsibility for his actions. TBH I'm hiding behind the MH aspects more as it gives me something to focus on 'fixing'. Hes doing everything he can to try help me heal but we're still early on and I'm struggling to put into words what it is I need and am feeling.

He has made a total mess of things but he isn't burying his head. He could have ended the affair and not mentioned it to me and I'd be none the wiser. The OW had even said she wouldn't tell me anything after realising I was pregnant but he decided he needed to be honest and give me the option (finally) of being able to make an informed decision. It also meant the OW had no power over our relationship or anything to try hold over him to keep him involved. He'd tried to end it before and she turned up at our house threatening to tell me and he didn't want to put us back in that situation.

He isn't getting off lightly with this, hes had to give up his privacy, his job, any social life, has trackers installed on his devices so I always know where he is as well as counselling- MC and IC.

I think the hardest aspect for him is seeing me so broken by it all. He always considered me the strong one so seeing how much damage he has caused is the real punishment at the moment. I've given him the options of leaving to be with her or just leaving and us talking about it in 6 months when I'm in a better place emotionally but hes determined not to make me deal with the hurt hes caused alone. I don't know what else I can expect of him at the moment but open to suggestions!

Cooley2here posted 9/19/2018 10:48 AM

Ok, so let me get this straight. He cheated on his first wife with the “lesbian” and then cheated on you with the same person and now they are having a baby? I don’t know how to tell you two wives but you have been the OW. His longest relationship is with her.
Also, if I were a lesbian this kind of lying would steam me.
I have no idea if she chose him to father the baby or not. If so he is a total idiot.
People who suffer from depression don’t automatically cheat. This is a cop out.
You are the one who needs therapy because you are married to s serial cheater. You will have to decide if you can live with this behavior because past behavior pretty much predicts future behavior. He has gone along with this long enough for it to be a lifestyle.
Good luck

1Faith posted 9/19/2018 11:04 AM

You have no issue with him having nothing to do with a child he fathered?

The child is innocent and deserves support.

If he is so cavalier with his own flesh and blood do you really believe he is capable of empathy and care for you on a genuine level?

His track record speaks for itself. Every relationship he has been in (that you have written about) has been riled with angst, infidelity and blame.

What positives are you getting from this relationship?

It appears you are trying to justify and hold on at all costs.

It shouldn't be this hard.

(((good luck)))

SisterMilkshake posted 9/19/2018 11:40 AM

You have no issue with him having nothing to do with a child he fathered?

Many make this choice. It is a valid choice. I would be the same as Morp123. He let it be known his feelings about the OC, that he wouldn't be in the child's life. The OW could have made other choices instead of having a child that will have no bio father in its life. That was the choice she made, that isn't the choice Morp's WH made. So who's choice is more valid? They both are 50/50 responsible for creating the child, but the OW/mother gets to make all the decisions/choices because she is pregnant? Nah, I don't think it works that way. This OW is a wicked woman who tampered with condoms to purposely get pregnant.

I feel it is awful that some want to shame Morp123 and try to make her feel guilty for how she feels. I would suggest you stop projecting your feelings about OC's onto Morp123. Don't forget she is pregnant, also, and doesn't need the added bullshit of others guilting and shaming her.

I get it Morp123. I would feel the same. You sound strong in your conviction about not having a relationship with said child and not letting those who feel differently project their feelings onto you. You are not wrong with how you feel and many understand totally and agree with your stance on this.

hcsv posted 9/19/2018 11:48 AM

So, he's got three children from 3 different women.

He is paying child support to one (any relationship with this child), doesn't want anything to do with the second and you are pregnant with his third???

Oh my. Not a very good track record. That would say a lot to me.

1Faith posted 9/19/2018 11:58 AM

T/J ?

SisterMilkShake,

I am not projecting, I am stating my POV. It is that simple.

Morp123 is absolutely entitled to her feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

Just providing a different perspective to what she has shared. Not shaming her at all but wanting her to be prepared if WH continues his wayward behavior based on the track record she has shared.

So many children are fatherless and not supported and they did not ask to be born. Actions have consequences and IMO, you face your responsibility and support a child you helped create.

Either way, I wish Morp123 all the best and I hope she finds happiness and a life away from infidelity, strife and constant uncertainty.

Morp123 posted 9/19/2018 12:20 PM

There is a misunderstanding here, maybe I wasn't clear earlier. He never cheated on his ex, the OW told his ex he had and then denied she'd said it. He chose to believe his friend over someone who was looking for reasons to blame him for their breakup. The only time he has ever been unfaithful is this affair.
As for his relationship with his (proper) daughter- she lives with us 50% of the time, we also pay child support and provide all clothes and shoes so I don't worry about commitment to our child

Morp123 posted 9/19/2018 12:27 PM

Also he isn't blaming his depression for the affair, he has taken full responsibility. I'm the one who has been considering the impact of his MH issues on the situation and can see how his depression has played out at key points during the affair now I have all the facts. It doesn't change what he's done but me understanding the impact it had on his ability to make good choices is important for my own sanity. I'm not holding on despite everything. I'm not even sure we'll try again, I just know walking away without knowing it's best is a mistake

justamadman posted 9/19/2018 12:43 PM

I don’t want to sound to harsh. But it just never ceases to amaze me how easily the betrayed believes any nonsense a cheating and lying piece of crap like your husband says. I know first hand how it goes. My cheating and lying ex wife was the same way. They make the promise to be married to us and then they break the promises in the most disgusting ways possible.

You really sound like this piece of craps white knight. I also know about the white knight syndrome. But really take a look at how smart the cheater can be at manipulating the ones that give them trust. Take a look at the adultery thread on reddit where they trade strategies for taking advantage of their spouse. Be amazed at how this very strategy (faking like you are suicidal to get back in the door). I’m not saying that your husband is actually using this strategy. Maybe he is such a loser that he got manipulating into sticking his thingy in the woman who ruined his last marriage in order to ruin his current marriage. Maybe this was the plan all along. Maybe they always wanted a kid together. Don’t you find it hard to believe that this guy who was so in love with the idea of being the strong one that he cheated on his wife and risked the well being of his two kids, would not also risk everything again to just see his new kid. Hell the only reason he didn’t kill himself before was because of your recent kid. What will be do when he sees this new baby?

Don’t sell yourself a bill of goods. I know it’s hard. But you have to get to a neutral place where you can actually judge this all rationally. And you gotta be careful, because you clearly are the fixer, and you are trying to fix it back how it was, because it’s honorable, because it’s you, your Child, and your step child (and I guess your poor victim husband). But take a few steps back.