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Am I being cheated on?

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1975inHemel posted 9/10/2018 13:42 PM

Hi All,

First post as I feel I need advice from people who have experienced what I am feeling. The below may come across a little "factual" or even "cold" but it's the only way I can try and keep a clear head and think logically so please don't think I'm like this normally.

Long story short, we've been together 10 years, married 6 years with one son 3 years old. From the UK but living in Dubai (my work), been here 5 years.

We fell pregnant (planned) and gave birth in the UK (I was there) and then we returned Dubai, 5 months later my wife decided she wanted to return to the UK "for a time" so she had family support. I was fully supportive of this and we agreed I should remain in Dubai as we are trying to pay off the mortgage (only reason to work here), we saw each other as a family every 2 months, it was hard going but we had an objective to be mortgage free and create a strong base for our son, private schooling etc. (we are older parents, both in our mid 40's). About 15 months later my wife said out of the blue that she wanted to return to Dubai which was arranged, this was April this year.

This is where my sanity started to unravel. My wife has always been a bit obsessed with Forum's (Mumsnet addict), on-line chat, Facebook, Messenger, WhatsApp, SMS etc. and would always spend a lot of time on her phone, I never really thought anything wrong or suspicious about this. On her return to Dubai this had heightened and she was never off her phone. This is no compelling evidence of wrongdoing I know.

However, it's worth noting that intimate physical contact had stopped the moment pregnancy was confirmed, this carried on for over 2.5 years. I did try and talk about it but got a lecture on being pregnant, having a young son, being constantly tired, not feeling attractive etc. so I didn't raise it again and did everything I could to try and make her feel the opposite of everything she said.

Then, after almost 3 years of no intimacy my wife "made a move on me" as though nothing had happened, in the last 6 months though there has been a week or twos intimacy on two occasions and then back to zero intimate contact. I don't know what's going on and am confused.

I became suspicious of her substantial on-line activity and one day I noticed the passcode she typed into her phone, at the next opportunity suspicion got the better of me and I checked her phone, this is what I found:

She has been having extensive SMS and WhatsApp conversations with 3 different men, there is no overt reference to any infidelity but the tone with two of them is very flirty and I would say inappropriate, with references to making sure I wasn't around when chatting. My wife has never mentioned any of these men to me as friends or acquaintances.

The messages also alluded to making arrangements to meet up but there are no messages suggesting that any meets ever actually took place.

There were obvious gaps in the conversations where individual messages had been deleted.

There were incoming and outgoing phone calls to unrecognised numbers late at night and the early hours of the morning on days when she was staying with a female friend for the weekend. I'm pretty sure she stayed with the friend but that friend is also single.

Only one of these men are in her Facebook friends list, she has also let slip that she has a "fake" Facebook account, try as I might, I cannot find it. Blocked?

I found old emails exchanged with one of these guys going back to 2013 which are still flirty, contain suggestions of meeting up and in one case recalls an incident where it is clear they had previous intimate relations albeit before I'd even met my wife.

To top it all, I discovered that through our shared Google account I could see her internet activity which included searches for, and visits to, "Free Porn" sites while we were in the same house! She also spent a good while carrying out internet searches on one of the 3 guys she has been messaging and searching his wife's name also.

I'm confused, angry, devastated, depressed ...........

It's clear my wife has gone off me physically as it seems I'm only worth turning to when internet porn has become boring and I seriously believe she stayed to have a child as we are both mid 40s so probably last chance for her (and me), but as soon as that was accomplished our intimacy stopped.

What I am less certain of is what's going on with the guys she is chatting to on-line, what do you all think?

I feel hopeless

Western posted 9/10/2018 14:10 PM

ummm. Yes. You are getting cheated on dude. Re-read what you just wrote as though I wrote it. What would you tell me ?

Western posted 9/10/2018 14:11 PM

tell her to grow up and act like the married woman she is.

Diug for all the history and demand a polygraph. Learnt eh extent of what is going on before you ever get talked into R.

You need the full truth

Robert22205https posted 9/10/2018 14:30 PM

What did your wife do for a living prior to marrying you? That may be her pool of friends.

Trust is wonderful until it's destroyed and then unfortunately you question everything.

What you're looking at is what's left after she'd deleted texts and attempted to cover her tracks ...and what's left points to an EA and PA (weekend with girlfriend).

In view of her deceitful behavior you now have good reason to assume the worse, for example, the old boyfriend may be someone she's cheated with on and off since she married you .... plus it's likely she cheated for the 15 months she was back in the UK. Perhaps her affair blew up so she ran back to you in Dubai.

DNA test your son.

Make a copy of your evidence.

Get tested for STDs, maybe get meds for sleeping and anxiety....and see an attorney to learn what your rights if you divorce.

Lazarus posted 9/10/2018 14:36 PM

It all sounds bad. This is a smoking gun:

with references to making sure I wasn't around when chatting

Loveforlife posted 9/10/2018 14:47 PM

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Yes, you have absolutely every right to be devastated and angry. Everything you are feeling is completely justified and normal under the circumstances.

Gather your evidence and then confront. The time she is giving to these men and porn is time she should have been giving to you, your marriage and your family. Her choices are wrong and selfish.

What you are describing is cheating, there is absolutely no question about it. Even if these relationships are online ones and there has been no physical contact, it is infidelity, it is betrayal.

You are not to blame, you deserve better. Go to The Healing Library and start reading. It will help.

Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Loveforlife at 2:49 PM, September 10th (Monday)]

badmemory posted 9/10/2018 15:34 PM

Friend, It's not a matter of IF she is cheating on you, it's a matter of whether it's gone physical yet. But at this point you'd be wise to assume it has if she has had even the slightest opportunity to meet up with any of these OM's.

If you're smart, patient and learn the discrete monitoring techniques, you'll find out the truth soon enough. I wouldn't confront her until I had indisputable evidence; she'll just deny it otherwise and will be harder to catch.

Keep monitoring her cell phone usage on your bill. Notice the times and duration of calls. Use a VAR in her car or somewhere in the house where she talks on the phone. Put spyware on her cell phone. Consider a PI if you can afford it.

Good luck. Sorry you're here.

[This message edited by badmemory at 3:34 PM, September 10th (Monday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 9/10/2018 15:54 PM

Make copies or photos of your evidence. Don't let her know that you're on to her until you're ready to reveal. As mentioned by another poster, VARs are a good idea. Put tracking and key logging software on her phone and other devices. It sounds like she's already been physically cheating; would she have been able to meet-up with them when she was in GB? It also sounds like her girlfriend is helping her to cheat. Don't be surprised if you find that they've had guys over on the days when your WW is visiting her. Decide if she's worth hanging on to. She's at minimum emotionally involved with 3, that's three, freaking other men at the same time. That's a huge red flag issue. Get your ducks in a row. Remove her from any joint accounts. Take her name off of anything that's yours. See a divorce lawyer to educate yourself about your options and at the very minimum start drafting a post-nuptial agreement. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

DesertLily posted 9/10/2018 17:47 PM

I'm so very sorry. The evidence does suggest she is/has been unfaithful.

Please head up to the Healing Library. There's a wealth of information there that will help you navigate through this shit storm.

Focus on the 180, for you. Read about Affair Fog, etc. And post here for support.

Cheaters lie, and that's what she'll do when confronted. She'll deny and lie some more. She'll minimize what you can prove. And when all else fails, she'll blame you and the relationship.

This is the pattern almost all Waywards follow. Don't fall for it.

Wishing you strength and peace as you journey out of infidelity.

Buster123 posted 9/10/2018 19:53 PM

Yes she's cheating, at least 3 EAs but all that time alone plus one of the OM is an old boyfriend suggests it may have gotten physical (kissing, groping, BJs, sex, etc.), get a couple of VARs and place one in her car and another one where she spends most of the time, also download a message recovery app like Dr Fone that way you can recover sms, Whatsapp, emails and other ways they may be communicating. You have enough to confront with what you have but you may want to gather a bit mroe with the VAR and the recovered messages, contact an attorney to know your options, your WW may be a serial cheater.

Ripped62 posted 9/10/2018 20:44 PM

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:57 AM, September 14th (Friday)]

longsadstory1952 posted 9/10/2018 21:07 PM

Ok man. Here comes a wake up call. Ready? Ding ding ding.

She doesn't give it up for 3 years, then 2x in 6 months. And has 3 om on the side? Yeah yeah I get it they are "just" internet flames.

This woman has no love for you whatsoever. Divorce her ass now and save yourself 30 years of torment.

Take action now. And by the way, do a DNA test.

Sorry, but can you say user and liar. Did I mention user? Make that loser.

Ponus18 posted 9/10/2018 21:17 PM

Iím sorry youíre here. From what you wrote I think you know the answer already. Itís ok. Thereís always a temptation to bury oneís head in the sand. I did it.

Donít be me. I hope youíll take the advice youíre getting here and do a lot more digging to uncover the truth - or at least as much as you can.

Prepare yourself for the rough road ahead, but know that youíll get through it. Lean on the amazing folks her for support and guidance.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 9/11/2018 11:38 AM

Sorry youíre here it sucks. Why men would put up with a non intimate relationship... I just cannot fathom.

You are a meal ticket. I think Elton John said it best:

And I gotta get a meal ticket
To survive you need a meal ticket
To stay alive you need a meal ticket
Feel no pain, no pain
No regret, no regret
When the line's been signed
You're someone else
Do yourself a favor, the meal ticket does the rest

Sounds like you put up with it so are you going to do anything about it. You will have to take action to change it.

Best of luck to you!

1975inHemel posted 9/11/2018 12:34 PM

I was expecting the responses to be a tough read, and they are, it's probably what I need.

To answer the question:

"What did your wife do for a living prior to marrying you? That may be her pool of friends."

We met at work so I'd know if the other men she is messaging were ex-work colleagues, they aren't. I believe they are from the Village/Town where she lived when we met.

I think I'm sort of in denial, I really don't want to think she would do this especially as we have a young son. Trying to be clear to myself 2 of the more damning messages are:

OM: How you doing beautiful X
WW: Not too bad, you? x
OM: Missing you, are you free to talk?
WW: No, with [1975inHemel] and baby x
OM: Just as well I asked let me know a good time to catch up

OM: Happy birthday beautiful, hope you are having a fantastic day, miss you loads xxx
WW: Not well, in Dubai, miss you to, back for a holiday in a month, will buzz you then so we can catch up xxx

First message was while WW was living in the UK and I was visiting from Dubai.

Second message is actually earlier and pre-dates when WW decided she wanted to go back to the UK for a while post baby.

I'm so conflicted, I don't want to think I'm over-reacting, I guess the response from WW if I confronted her would be that it's just chat between old friends, maybe I am over-reacting but at best this looks overly familiar and at worse its chat between people who are involved in an occasional physical relationship.

The other messages (sent randomly by SMS, WhatsApp, Messenger) are not quite as overt as these two but certainly seem overly familiar. And of course it's clear that some messages have been deleted.

Am I over-reacting? Although upsetting, could these messages be nothing more than old friends who are comfortable with each other?

[This message edited by 1975inHemel at 12:37 PM, September 11th (Tuesday)]

Ripped62 posted 9/11/2018 12:53 PM

Am I over-reacting?

No, I am not aware of any action by you. These messages are inappropriate in my opinion. They are indicative of something more.

Although upsetting, could these messages be nothing more than old friends who are comfortable with each other?

There is always some minute chance. I highly doubt it. You will likely discover more. Please steel yourself for additional discovery or disclosure.

Her and his messaging is inappropriate.

I am sorry. You seem to have identified the tip of the iceberg in my opinion.

fighter76 posted 9/11/2018 15:37 PM


[This message edited by fighter76 at 1:25 PM, November 9th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 9/11/2018 15:41 PM

Do you call women friends 'beautiful' and say 'miss you loads. xxx'? And then have intimate/comfortable/bordering on sexual conversations with them? If that's normal for your culture then perhaps she's innocent. If it's not normal then you need to figure out what she's doing with these other men and then put an end to it. She needs to be spending her time talking and texting to you and caring for her child. If she's not up for that then she needs to let you know she wants to be free to pursue other sexual interests. Limbo is not the place you want to be in. Take care of yourself.

OneInTheSame posted 9/11/2018 16:09 PM

If you can afford a P.I., I would invest in professional investigation. The snippets of conversations are barely the tip of the iceberg, IMO. You have received good advice so far. And you are not overreacting. If anything you are trying to justify. Donít. She will do enough of that to choke a horse when you do confront her. This is why I think a P.I. is your best bet, because you wonít be second-guessing the evidence as it is gathered.

And children, illness, family emergencies, deaths of parents ó none of these has been able to stop infidelity when a WS decides to cheat. I am sorry.

Robert22205https posted 9/11/2018 19:12 PM


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:52 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

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