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Am I being cheated on?

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Buster123 posted 9/11/2018 22:29 PM

She is clearly cheating, don't second guess it, normal friends don't text married women xxx messages and ask if it's safe to talk, and faithful married women don't allow such conversations. You have enough to confront but if you really want to have more evidence, hire a PI when she travels back her town/village, and/or download a text recovery app like Dr Fone for the deleted texts.

wordsofwisdom posted 9/12/2018 00:26 AM

Hemel, you have a great strategic advantage by her not knowing that you know. Take this time to get your ducks in a row.

Start seeing a therapist to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. Start seeing an attorney to protect yourself financially, figure out mechanics of divorce and your options of custody. It will help you to remain strategic and be one step ahead of your cheating partner.

I'm telling you this because many of us are getting so much caught up in gathering evidence or dealing with our shock and denial that, when the hummer heats our head during confrontation, we find ourselves unprepared and make a mistake by jumping in cheaters hands for comfort.

CatsNTats posted 9/12/2018 03:34 AM

From a woman who has caught her WH doing the same thing - yes, she's cheating probably both emotionally (definitively) and physically. I do believe you'll find some sound advice here as I have in the few days since this last D-Day on 9/5.

I'd say the second she stopped fucking you - she started fucking someone else. The porn is not the worst thing ever, but it does imply she's horny as hell (and since it's not your dick she's riding), she's getting it elsewhere. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

I agree with others about getting as much evidence as you can - take pics or get copies. I don't know what VAR is?

I'm sorry you find yourself here too. Take care of yourself first so you can be there for your child. One of the sayings I've seen on here a lot is "those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing". And it sounds like she has a lot to hide.

You don't deserve this - and you didn't do anything wrong. She's the broken one.

Trust your gut. Every time I have, something has always been up. And your need to look is (what I've learned here) "truth by verify" and no one here should judge you for looking in her phone. I felt terrible about doing the exact same thing- but have gathered that it's pretty common when seeking the truth about what's going on in your life. It is your life.

I'm experiencing some of the same - so if you need to chat, I'm around.

She sounds like a serial cheater from the length of time and # of OM there are. Please get screened for STD/STIs and your own health.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 3:42 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

EyesOpened50 posted 9/12/2018 07:59 AM

Firstly, sorry your experiencing this terrible situation and I'm afraid it's going to get worse as it fully consumes you, believe me - I know first hand! So lets start with deep breaths and make sure you look after yourself - really important to eat and drink healthy plus exercise! Appreciate you're in Dubai but is your wife still there or gone back home?

You need to go into detective mode (Miss Marples, Sherlock Holmes, Quincy, Inspector Morse - all of them at once!) Don't be duped, it's time consuming, mind numbing and can take over your life, so be careful and realistic! Some things can be done remotely whilst others need to be done when she's with you! At present, you have the advantage of surprise and you must keep this until you've as much evidence as you need to make the decision to bring it all out into the open! Always remember, she will most likely lie to your face and you won't believe it at first!, affair down (minimal details) and make you feel bad with insecurities, jealousy, paranoia etc - we all know she's up to something but to what extent is still to be discovered! Likewise, how much do you need to know - it's not about now, it's more about the future as this will haunt you for a long time! Either way, you need to find out enough to get the truth - that has to be your current goal.

You've had some great advice, take what you need and leave the rest. Never reveal your sources, use technology to your advantage - learn what you need to do to achieve your goal, at the moment it's finding the truth! It's an agonising situation at the moment and my heart goes out to you - do you have any really good friends to speak to who could or would help you - discretion is paramount! Always remember you have found a great source here at S.I., only wish I had at the time!!

A VAR - voice activated recorder and key logging / spyware are readily available by mail - assuming no issues getting them to Dubai. If an issue, get one of your work colleagues to bring everything back from home etc. Luckily you can see the call / text ratio's on your bills but people use a lot of other medium's which you've identified - whatsapp, messenger, gaming apps e.g. 'Words with Friends'- Scrabble game, plus KIK etc. If you can get her phone, you could use Dr Phone recovery or Enigma - I have found them in-valuable for deleted information even though it's not 100% return. Depending on her phone, can you get into her icloud if an iphone - be aware there are issues before attempting this!! I noticed you mentioned using google maps, so maybe an android phone?

It's been mentioned but at the moment your head is the wrong place for later events - plan for the future as if it all goes wrong you need to protect yourself especially been out there. How do I know, talking from experience I'm afraid - line those ducks up now, even if you have to wait for the time being, you can always put things back once you're happy to do so!

I've been there and still going through the other end - it's soul destroying on all levels and takes over your life - I can feel the tone you write in. Resentment will come and stay on your shoulder unless you can resolve the issue, thinking short term at the moment is normal and keeping your mind on work is very difficult! You post really resonates with my own experience and felt I had to write - always about if you need specifics, likewise there are some wonderful people on here who will also assist!

Stay strong, keep focused and have a look at the 'Healing Lounge' which has some very pertinent articles which will help you at this critical time! Keep posting as it can be both helpful for you plus advice is always forth coming!

Big Man Hug!!

william posted 9/12/2018 10:10 AM

despite the posts above there is very little that can be inferred from the messages you have managed to see. amazing how those messages can be spun into cheating - its called "confirmation bias".

i would say that your marriage is not in a great place. no sex. the distance and separation. the inappropriate type texts and messages. it does add to a troubled marriage. cheating ... maybe ... and maybe not. there really isnt enough evidence to start pointing at physical or emotional affairs from a couple of texts that could be taken several different ways. note i didnt say the texts were harmless, i just said they are not the smoking gun evidence of cheating that some seem sure they are.

if i were in your shoes id stay quiet and go into full investigative mode. check her social media, her phone with recovery software, her emails, the computer she uses at home, etc. the chances are that if she was cheating then she has gotten careless at some point and you will find more evidence of it.

CatsNTats posted 9/12/2018 10:55 AM

If nothing was going on, then there would be no reason to keep the OMs secret, which she has (kept them secret).

If you hide your male or female "friends" from your spouse - those people aren't just friends. There's more than friendship going on. I don't hide who I'm friends with or who I talk to. Big difference.

Also everyone here suggested he get more evidence before saying anything. But all the signs are there. It sounds like more than a few messages and this didn't start yesterday, it started 3 years ago.

Go with your gut. It tends to be right.

CincyKid posted 9/12/2018 11:28 AM

From an objective third party perspective let me assure you that you have no reason to be conflicted. There are things going on that a married woman SHOULD NOT be engaging in with members of the opposite sex. My personal opinion is nip it right now before it goes past the point of fixing.

1975inHemel posted 9/12/2018 12:58 PM

Thank you all for the replies, like I said before, tough to read but probably what I need.

I'm sure everyone on here has felt this way but at the moment I'm finding it difficult to focus on what I should do first or in what order. I've been reading The Healing Library which is a great resource, I'm going to have to re-read though as I'm a bit of an air head at the moment.

I've been looking at what I've found so far and the main OM, I'll call him OM1, is the one who appears to be an old flame, I know they worked together from 2005 to 2010. The old emails I found go back to 2013, these emails included attempts to arrange to meet up, I don't know if they came to fruition. The emails certainly allude to an incident of physical intimacy, OM1 is also the participant of the messages I recounted earlier. WW has mentioned him once in passing a long time ago. The contact between WW and OM2 & OM3 is less regular. The messages with OM2 are equally inappropriate. Messages with OM3 are more innocuous. Neither OM2 or OM3 have ever been mentioned to me. OM1 and OM2 are both single, OM3 recently married, WW spent a lot of time Googling OM3 and his wife after their recent marriage, jealousy or just nosey? All 3 live relatively local to WW UK location.

I must admit that I am suspicious of WW reasons for suddenly deciding to return to Dubai earlier this year, there was no warning or discussion. Thinking about it more, this seems to point to an incident occurring in the UK which made her decide to return.

I think I'm going to struggle with the technology for information gathering. I've loaded key logging on the home PC but WW almost exclusively uses her phone and she keeps it glued to herself the whole time, never lets it out of her sight even when charging it. The research I have done all seems to point to the fact I will need to get access to her phone to install any key logging/spyware on it, so this is going to be tricky, I'll just have to hope she slips up one day and I can get hold of it. The last time this opportunity arose was 6 months ago when I found the messages that initially made me suspicious, I have no idea what has happened since.

WW is returning to the UK for a months holiday soon ........ I'm going to feel sick the whole time she is away.

I've had a kind offer of help in one of the previous messages but for some reason I don't seem to be able to send PMs, does anyone know why not?

I've also seen how some people have quoted text from previous posts (in boxes) in their own posts, how do you do this?

I'll keep reading.

[This message edited by 1975inHemel at 1:00 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

heartbroken_kk posted 9/12/2018 13:22 PM

I think you need to focus on getting access to her phone for long enough to install Dr Fone and recover her commnications.

The other thing you need to do is see a lawyer about your rights should you decide to D your WW. She is clearly not faithful to you, and you can't trust her. Start with that as a basis.

In particular, protect yourself financially. If you are paying extra on your mortgage, stop. Do the bare minimum to supply extra resources from your paycheck to support her and your shared assets. Otherwise, start saving the money you'd use for joint ventures and put it in a savings account under your name only.

DO NOT do a soft inquiry into her infidelity. Stay quiet about your suspicions and work to discover the information you need secretly.

VAR is voice activated recorder. You can find a little one that you can hide under the dash in the car, in the lining of her purse, in the bathroom, or other room she may go for private conversations.

If she returns to the UK hire a PI to follow her and find out what she's doing while out of your sight.

CatsNTats posted 9/12/2018 14:30 PM

Well, if this hasn't made you have trouble sleeping I'd be surprised. I'd say snag the phone when she goes to sleep. She can't stay awake all hours of the day. Take it and go somewhere so if she wakes she won't be able to take it back from you while you get the info you need. If you can get it back without her waking would be even better.

You can't private message anyone until you've established yourself with 50 posts. I can't either yet.

CatsNTats posted 9/12/2018 14:33 PM

I'm also interested to know how you do that screen shot of others quotes...

Lawyerman posted 9/12/2018 15:11 PM

I'm also interested to know how you do that screen shot of others quotes...

Copy the bit you want to quote. Hit reply and then paste it. Select it (CTRL A if nothing else in there) and then hit 'quote' on the left.

[This message edited by Lawyerman at 3:12 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Buster123 posted 9/12/2018 15:53 PM

Just snatch the phone from her and lock yourself in the bathroom with it, if it's password protected, turn off your phone and hide it in the bathroom, tell her you left it at work and need to make an important phone call (have a number ready just in case she wants to dial the number for you, maybe a friend's number or someone at work) once she unlocks the phone, start talking and walk into the bathroom and lock it (if the call goes to voicemail insist you want to leave a message), have your laptop ready in the bathroom with recovery software already installed, have a thumb drive ready to make an additional copy. Be ready to confront either way with what you've found so far, if she complaints about "her privacy" tell her there's no such a thing in a M other than toilet time, it's not "my"a privacy/life/future but "our" privacy/life/future.

If you decide to R instead of D after finding out, then have a PI ready for next month when she travels back to her hometown.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:54 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

EyesOpened50 posted 9/13/2018 02:53 AM

OK - so you're struggling to focus, this is normal as you're experiencing trauma!!

To Quote: 'I'm so conflicted, I don't want to think I'm over-reacting, I guess the response from WW if I confronted her would be that it's just chat between old friends, maybe I am over-reacting but at best this looks overly familiar and at worse its chat between people who are involved in an occasional physical relationship.'

Believe me you're not over reacting ( her secret friends with inappropriate messages!) but you need to be calm and collect your thoughts and find out the truth, she isn't going to do that unless you have knowledge! Her phone is her access point by the sounds of things, so the easiest way to get more information now whilst she's still with you is to access it! The Phone Is Key, as she is effectively guarding it night and day, my wife was the same!

Options: look up phone recovery programme's, Dr Phone or Enigma, I used the latter. They won't give you 100% recovery as a phone only has a small memory and effectively overwrites itself but you'll be able to see a whole lot more, depending on her activities - messages, whatsapp, kik, web browsing, notes, photos etc. It does take time especially if going for a full download, maybe up to an hour - best time when she's asleep, ideally after a few drinks or a tiring day perhaps. Do you know her pass codes? Maybe check her phone whilst she's in the shower - see notes, normal innocent saving procedure! At the same time add your thumb print for easier access to the phone for the future, she won't notice that! It's all about slowly slowly catch a monkey - it's agonizing but will be worth it!

Remember your goal is to get out of infidelity but at the moment you need to find out what you're dealing with!

Depending on your finances, you could get her a new phone which has all the tracking software loaded - quite easy if the other phone was broken (accidently!!!) etc. Not sure what resources there are in Dubai for this type of thing? If her phone was say damaged and you needed to replace her phone perhaps - think what would work best for yourself!
There are plenty of 'spy shops' on the web that sell these things plus VAR's which could mean you could hear what's going on when your out at work - it's time consuming but worth it!

Ideally you need to know where you stand before she goes back home, otherwise you're going to be in bits and worry yourself to an early grave!

[This message edited by EyesOpened50 at 2:55 AM, September 13th (Thursday)]

EyesOpened50 posted 9/13/2018 02:56 AM

Forgot to ask - what phone does she use and is it recent or still in a contract?

jesebeard posted 9/13/2018 05:04 AM

Chatting online other than your spouse is considered cheating. You must certainly confront her. You will never know if she has met one of her online chat mates personally.

Robert22205https posted 9/13/2018 08:07 AM

Deleted

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:50 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

Michigan posted 9/13/2018 08:40 AM

I must admit that I am suspicious of WW reasons for suddenly deciding to return to Dubai earlier this year, there was no warning or discussion. Thinking about it more, this seems to point to an incident occurring in the UK which made her decide to return.

1975inHemel

I was going to suggest the same thing. Given her history the most likely thing is that something went wrong with one of her online guys.

Then, after almost 3 years of no intimacy my wife "made a move on me" as though nothing had happened, in the last 6 months though there has been a week or twos intimacy on two occasions and then back to zero intimate contact. I don't know what's going on and am confused.

1975inHemel

Or she thought she might be pregnant. The older you are the harder it is to get pregnant. A woman in her 40’s that wants kids is not going to get an abortion because she may not be able to get pregnant again.

The only “innocent” explanation I can think of is that her online guys got her so hot and bothered that she needed that real thing from you a few times. Then she was satisfied.

it was hard going but we had an objective to be mortgage free and create a strong base for our son, private schooling etc. (we are older parents, both in our mid 40's).

1975inHemel

You might want to rethink this goal. In the US alimony is based upon what you made before the divorce. If you have high alimony payments you will be stuck in Dubai for 20 years. Why pay off the mortgage when she will get the house?

Think about it from her point of view. You;re 40 and your biological clock is running down. You have no trouble getting boy friends but none of them are dependable.

What kind of guy do you want? She’s living as a single mother with a hard working guy saving up for private school. And she doesn't have to have sex with him.

I'm a guy and would take that deal if there was no sex. Just send me a check for my kid.

[This message edited by Michigan at 9:56 AM, September 13th (Thursday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 9/13/2018 08:44 AM

Is there a reason you can't just say, "Unlock the phone and give it to me"? Don't you pay the bill for it? If so, then it's your phone and she's just using it.

Cooley2here posted 9/13/2018 10:40 AM

I wish more than anything that this woman loves you and is dedicated to the marriage. Nothing you have written shows that is true. She might have many issues concerning empathy. Occasionally there are women who just do not develop the ability to form attachments. She wanted a child and she got a child. Otherwise she wants some fantasy life and you are in the way. Women do not go off and leave their husbands for months and months unless there is something seriously wrong in the relationship. She was back in the UK searching. You don’t know if she found it or not. What you do you know if she is continuing to search. She might just live on the surface of life for the rest of her life. Right now, based on what you have written, she has no real ability to form deep love. I suggest that you do whatever you need to do to go home and look look after your child. I would love to think your marriage is salvageable but I do not think it is.

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