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Am I being cheated on?

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1975inHemel posted 9/13/2018 13:10 PM

Forgot to ask - what phone does she use and is it recent or still in a contract?

Samsung S8, so relatively new, she uses a pre-pay SIM so no contract as such.

I like the idea of getting WW a new phone as a surprise gift but pre-loading it with spyware and adding my fingerprint to unlock before I give it to her.

I don't suppose anyone can suggest this type of spyware? I assume there has to be a second piece of companion software on my phone so it can receive the data from her phone?

Can someone explain to me how Dr Fone or Enigma works? I've seen them mentioned a few times, if I ever manage to separate her from her phone I'll need to install it quickly.

I have to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who took the time to read or respond to this thread, I very much appreciate you all taking the time.

LifeisCrazy posted 9/13/2018 13:30 PM

Stop. Just stop. I get all the responses but you are not James Bond... and you don't need to be.

This is your wife and this is your marriage. You're not in a court of law. You don't need to have evidence that sends her to the electric chair.

And you DO have evidence. You actually have a LOT of evidence. Look - married people don't have secret communication apps and maintain communication with multiple men... particularly if the husband doesn't know about it. I know that a lot of posters here want to seem fair and uncritical but you can't get around the fact that, regardless of her sleeping with someone else, her behavior is beyond inappropriate. She is cheating... no matter how far the situation has gone and, to be frank, it looks like it's gone there, too.

So stop with the games. Life is going by and you're trying to be a detective. Getting information, and getting into her phone, is actually very easy.

"Honey, I need to talk to you about something." Ask her to sit down at the kitchen table - she'll have her phone with her.

"You know that I'm concerned about us. And I'm concerned because I know that you are cheating on me. So something is going to happen here in the next five minutes and I want you to consider the result of what happens... right now. I am going to ask you to hand me your phone - and then I'm going to ask you for your password. I want you to sit here for a minute and think about this.

If you refuse, I am going to file for divorce.

Nothing I'm going to see on your phone will be unexpected. I know I'm going to see a lot of inappropriate things. But I simply need confirmation.

If you can come clean, right now, in the next 5 minutes, maybe we can find a way through this. But if you can't be honest - right now - you will give me no choice and I'm going to start getting my ducks in a row.

I can work through any problem - but not without knowing the truth. It's time to come clean.

Now... put your phone on the table in front of you and slide it toward me..."

1975inHemel, one of two things is going to happen. She's going to realize the gig is up and start confessing because she still wants to avoid you looking into her phone or she's going to refuse. If she refuses, no problem. You have your answer. We can help guide you from there. If she starts talking, we can help you from that point, too.

But you cannot continue to go through this bullshit statically. You need to advance the ball down the field. Fortunately, if you think objectively about your story, you already know what's in store. So just stare it in the eye and address it.

Be strong. Be firm. Don't yell. Just, matter-of-factly, demand her phone.

Done.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 1:33 PM, September 13th (Thursday)]

Ripped62 posted 9/13/2018 13:47 PM

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:47 AM, September 14th (Friday)]

Western posted 9/13/2018 13:50 PM

I agree with Lifeiscrazy.

And of course do this pronto

Ripped62 posted 9/13/2018 14:41 PM

I am replying to your request in figuring out what is occurring in your marriage.

If the question is now about confrontation and seeking the truth I can offer my insight.

My experience is that wayward spouses cannot be authentic in 5 minutes. They have their defense mechanisms deployed and may be well prepared or coached.

The betrayed spouse may often long to keep the relationship as before the infidelity or very strong potential of infidelity entering their relationship. They fail to act in a decisive manner and cling to anything giving them hope whether it is the truth or not.

These two issues may produce limbo. This is not getting out of infidelity or in some situations not even knowing what has transpired.

Please note that I am biased. Cheaters will lie and lie some more. I believe nothing a wayward spouse says and 50% of what I see.

When in affair mode cheaters are so used to and adept at lying that telling the truth is difficult. They cannot take responsibility for what they are and what they have done.

If you are going the confrontation route with threat be ready to back it up. Please know that there is a significant likelihood the affair and wayward behavior will be driven underground. It may already be. Get your divorce issues resolved (ducks in a row) before deploying this technique.

I greatly appreciate the concept of open communication but please recognize the risk and rewards of attempting access to the phone and interrogation of someone using this methodology.

If you feel like you have enough information to confront now and make a decision as to whether you wish to reconcile or divorce given what you know then you may wish to confront now and obtain access to the phone however you wish.

I feel she has had or is in some type of relationship that is inappropriate and very likely physical given what you have posted. I do not know this as truth. You know what you have found and have seen. She and the other men are the only ones that know what has transpired. Will she ever be truthful? Who knows.

Please follow whatever approach you wish. I hate that you have to go through this. It is a very difficult time in one's life.

Note that I am posting from my perspective and opinion. Your experience and results may be different.

Ripped62 posted 9/13/2018 15:13 PM

One suggestion I have regarding smart phones and electronic devices is require complete transparency and access to all of them. Never allow this to be a potential in any type of committed relationship again.

Have them purchase their own burner phone if they wish to cheat. Then if you see a phone you are not allowed to use tell then this is a deal breaker and divorce or demand they get into IC because such behavior is wayward as hell.

Caveat: If they are on some top secret mission or project then allow them to use that phone when they are not on your time.

Butforthegrace posted 9/13/2018 15:37 PM

Lifeiscrazy is right on. The only additional step I might suggest is meeting with your lawyer first, getting your divorce pleadings drafted and ready, and have them with you at the time of the confrontation.

"If you refuse, I am going to file for divorce. I have already met with a lawyer and have the papers drafted. Here they are if you wish to see them."

Robert22205https posted 9/13/2018 15:40 PM

There's a real concern of a PA with the X boyfriend ... Xs are very high risk contacts.

Since she's got 3 'friends', I suspect she's also addicted to the sexting/flirting/texting attention she receives on the Internet. If so, you'll need to find a C trained to deal with an addict.

If you confront (handover the phone or D) based on what you currently know, be prepared to divorce her (don't just threaten).

Be prepared for her to be insulted and lock herself in the bedroom. And return 10 minutes later all huffy (like she's the victim) and hand over a cleansed phone. She might eventually admit to deleting texts not because it's evidence of adultery but to protect you from getting angry over flirty texts.

There's also the very real chance that she deletes every text immediately so the phone is already clean.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:54 PM, September 15th (Saturday)]

onthefence123 posted 9/13/2018 19:22 PM

Sorry you are here. If she has a fake Facebook account, then she has a fake email address that’s new to go with it. She probably has the additional email on her phone...reset Facebook password from her phone.

DarkHoleHeart posted 9/14/2018 02:16 AM

I kind of agree with LifeisCrazy's approach, but also agree with others who say that if you try it this way, you must have documents ready.

Most probably she will deny you the phone even if presented with D papers. It is instinctive reaction from cheaters. She will go on deleting spree and then return to you half a hour later with "I thought about it and, as our relationship is important to me, decided to allow you to go through my phone", hoping that you back down from "hand me the phone right now or we are over". I've seen this exact situation happen several times on SI, and BS usually backs down .

For me personally, I would probably go with "gather more intel before confronting" route. I confronted based on a first piece of evidence I found. This opened me to a year of lies and TT (but I didn't have a knowledge of SI behind me at that time). When confronting post DDay2, I had absolute proof.

If you confront and she gives you her phone, I suggest you have some recovery software ready (I have no experience with it). I also suggest you practice it first on your (or some other old) phone.

EyesOpened50 posted 9/14/2018 04:11 AM

I've just googled - 'pre installed spyware phone' - lots of options, including the newer version of her current phone (Flexispy). Just depends on your budget and desire to know the truth! You could confront now but as previously advised you will get at best half a story and plenty of lies, which will not help going forward, whichever way you choose.

With regard to Dr Phone or Enigma, you download the program onto your laptop or PC and link up with her phone via the input / output cable / charging cable. I'd run the program first on your own phone so you know how to do it plus how to extract the relevant information plus realise how long it takes as you want a full download! Just be aware, depending on your wife's technical ability, there may be extra passcode's which are needed before it will allow this procedure to happen, I'd check the notes section as she may well put her normal codes in there, you may only get once chance at this so make it comprehensive! It all sounds complicated but it's easy once you know how, sounds as if your wife's phone is the key!

Keep strong and look after yourself as this can be totally draining, with knowledge comes wisdom - you can choose what to do next!

Keep posting, we're here to help!

[This message edited by EyesOpened50 at 4:15 AM, September 14th (Friday)]

Butforthegrace posted 9/14/2018 06:36 AM

I would underscore the caution from DarkHoleHeart. Her default mode is lying and hiding. It will not be natural for her to give up her phone on the spot. If she doesnt, she will almost certainly go on a deleting spree. Do not accept the phone and back down hour later. Or a day later.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:00 AM, September 14th (Friday)]

unsure73 posted 9/15/2018 00:19 AM

on line flirting is wrong and is a cancer for marriages. whatever her connection to the oneguy she knew before marriage is regardless. once the ring goes on, youre hitched. If she wanted to be in contact with him she should have said so to you. People are what they are and Im struggling with that now. What to do right? Im not the guy to deal advice since I apparently am an easy target for e mail bullshit to happen to, all I can say is be stronger than me, which wont be hard. good luck

I know my wife would come unglued if I did what she did. howd your wife react if you had 3 women you were sexting and flirting with? theres your answer buddy sorry man

william posted 9/15/2018 01:32 AM

I agree that her likely response to a confrontation is to stall, delete, and come back an hour or so later and say some nonsense about how she changed her mind.

In your case this is tricky because there is no smoking gun. No sexting. No proof of anything. Just some inappropriate messages that can be taken several different ways.

Usually its quite easy to tell if a spouse is cheating from the story. In your case I honestly can't. Its obvious your marriage is not in a good spot but a troubled marriage =/= cheating??

One problem with this site is that almost everyone you get responding was cheated on. So they tend to view all through that prism without stopping and thinking about the assumption.

For instance she wasn't sexting. Or if she was no one knows about it - yet at any case. We don't know if it was an ea either because those texts cant justify the claim it was. Its equally possible she isn't. Again, they do show the M is in trouble but don't show any signs of an ea, pa, cheating, sexting, sex, or anything else.

Another thing to keep in mind about this site is that many people responding were and are deeply hurt and damaged from their WS cheating. They don't want you hurt like they were. Often in cheating a strong decisive stance is the best approach. So this strong stance is often counseled as the de facto approach.

Look, I don't know if your wife is cheating. You don't either. Nor does anyone else here. Those texts could be read as 'I'd like to talk so let me know when you are free to talk' - albeit more inappropriately worded. But not terribly so. I'd suggest keeping in mind that this is very nebulous when deciding your next move. Maybe there is something there but maybe there is no there, there. Kwim?

Look into it. Dig. Don't give up your sources.

But dont confront until you know what's going on. The minute you confront (if there is an A or more than one) the facts you need will be deleted, gaslighting will start, and you will lose access to information and your sources.

I don't think (maybe I'm wrong) that you would be willing to threaten and then deliver on the threat of divorce to gain access to her phone based on the level of info you have now. making the threat but not following through is never a good move. If you had more I'd say its a good tactical move but I don't honestly think you have enough to justify it. Not to yourself.

You need to be at a point where you can live with the outcome either way when you are going to issue an ultimatum like that.



Sharkman posted 9/15/2018 06:53 AM

Take her phone when she is sleeping. Run Sr Fone on it. If she wakes up and ask where her phone is play dumb. Help her find it then ‘magically’ find it.

She’ll obviously be suspicious but cheaters always believe their own bullshit. Plus at that point you’ll have what you need.

Robert22205https posted 9/15/2018 09:51 AM

You both should read and discuss: NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass.

It will provide a common ground of understanding when you do confront her.

It's available used on Amazon.

jb3199 posted 9/16/2018 08:24 AM

One suggestion I have regarding smart phones and electronic devices is require complete transparency and access to all of them. Never allow this to be a potential in any type of committed relationship again.

I have NEVER understood this. Why would anyone want to be in a committed relationship WITHOUT total transparency from both sides?

I understand work phones and company policies. Still doesn't mean that an honest, committed person can't make their partner comfortable with that dynamic. If a cheater chooses to exploit that situation, it complicates matters exponentially. But that aside, isn't honesty one of the major foundations of a deep relationship? Why all the privacy?

Bigger posted 9/16/2018 19:47 PM

I agree with LifeisCrazy but suggest a slightly different approach.

First of all: Based on what you share then there isn’t any way any of us can tell you she is cheating.
What we can tell you is that there is inappropriate behavior, red flags, marital problems and very likely an emotional affair. If there is an EA then it’s extremely rare that the participants recognize it as an affair. That’s where my approach differs from LiC.

“Wife. We need a serious talk. Who is OM1 and why are you still in contact with him?”
Allow her to speak.
“I have been told you are seeing him in the UK. No – you don’t need to know how I know. It’s a source I consider reliable. You were seen with a man and based on what I have seen then it’s OM1”
Allow her to speak.
“What about OM2?”
“What about OM3?”

“I have seen communications between you where it’s clear something is going on”
“Add all this to the sexual issues we have been having and what do you expect me to think?”

Demand her phone. Her reluctance to show it will tell you a lot.
Lie. It’s OK for you to pretend to know more. Like if she shows you the phone tell her messages are missing. As if you have already read them elsewhere. You have a source that say her with another man. No – you can’t be specific because you don’t want to get that person into trouble but it’s a reliable source.

She huffs and puffs about how unfair this is:
“I am working here for US. I have a right to know if there is an US. If you want OM or someone else then that’s fine. I’m OK with that as long as I know. Then there is no “US” and I can move back to the UK so we can complete our divorce and I move on”.

jesebeard posted 9/16/2018 22:21 PM

In my opinion, you have all the right to confront your cheating wife. But before you do that, make sure you have gathered enough evidence and you should show that to her when the confrontation happens. Of course,there is a great chance that she would deny the whole fact of cheating so make sure you take note of these excuses that cheaters usually say to avoid being accountable.
(No soliciting)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:29 AM, September 24th (Monday)]

twisted posted 9/17/2018 10:37 AM

I understand those that say confront her now and get it out in the open, however, knowing that the investigative part of this is critical, if you confront to early, you may never get the truth.
Back in the day, I had a keylogger on the home computer (desktop) that provided crucial passwords and email accounts, along with incriminating evidence that there was certainly something going on. One of those passwords allowed me to open a file that exposed more than I could have imagined. I would have never got the truth of the whole situation without it.
To this day, she is in the dark about what I have access to. I prefer to keep it that way.

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