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Again! help SI

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tushnurse posted 9/18/2018 07:26 AM

You are making foolish mistakes.

You are using 180 as a manipulation tactic. That's not what it's for, and it will bite you on the ass using it like this.
Use it and stick to it, if you truly do not want to allow her to cause you any more pain.

Get to an attorney TODAY. You have legit concerns that need to be addressed. Also do NOT have a conversation, interaction, or anything with her, without having a VAR on your person to protect yourself. She is too knows how to manipulate, and seems she is out manuvering you already.

Get yourself STD tested, and stop screwing her. Your wife has a boyfriend. She clearly has some deep seated issues that require her to get some professional help to figure out why she is repeat offender, obviously never really got to the bottom of the issue the first time.

babbu posted 9/18/2018 07:32 AM

Dude, she's already accused you of domestic violence. Leave. Now! Why are you trying to reconcile with this?? This is scary.

farsidejunky posted 9/18/2018 08:38 AM

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would even consider reconciliation with this...woman?

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Mike the RN posted 9/18/2018 20:30 PM

Thanks so very much everyone
Its so difficult with a teenage son in Home that we both love
I guess I did misuse the 180

Will detach
Will get lawyer and IC

Shes asked what she needs to do, I told her to look on internet and figure it out
I know shes got NPD, and cant empathize, IC for her may be wasted money and time

How/ should I help her with whats needed to finally fix or just say Fit, and end it

Ripped62 posted 9/18/2018 20:47 PM

I know shes got NPD, and cant empathize, IC for her may be wasted money and time

How/ should I help her with whats needed to finally fix or just say Fit, and end it

If she has been diagnosed with NPD. Healing herself and rebuilding the marriage will be difficult for her but not impossible.

Please keep your rage in check. You do not need a domestic assault charge.

You may wish to get her into IC to heal whether you reconcile or divorce. You can then evaluate if she is doing the work. Her actions will tell you if she is suitable for the gift of reconciliation.

jesebeard posted 9/19/2018 01:58 AM

I agree with the previous replies. Assess the situation first and your wife. You're too thoughtful while your wife doesn't care at all.God bless!

tushnurse posted 9/19/2018 07:38 AM

How/ should I help her with whats needed to finally fix or just say Fit, and end it

ComeonMan, you know you can't fix her. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to to do.
I get it you want to make it all better, it's what we nurses do, we care for other, we help them. It's a really difficult concept for us to accept that we CANNOT fix our spouse.

Personally I would encourage you to detach as much as possible, and move forward w/ the D. If she finally gets it and starts doing the work in a consistent, and meaningful way, well then you can reassess and adjust your plan along the way, but don't think one or two small actions fix the whole thing, this takes years of really really really hard work by both to heal this shit.

traicionada posted 9/19/2018 08:46 AM

Its so difficult with a teenage son in Home that we both love

Please dont, just dont go there. Dont use your child as an excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship. As a parent, your job is to set the right example. Ask yourself, the obvious question, what kind of example are you setting by tolerating her behavior? What would you advise your child to do 10 years from now if he/she was in a similar situation?

ibonnie posted 9/19/2018 09:56 AM

Its so difficult with a teenage son in Home that we both love

No. If she really loved him like a mother should, she wouldn't risk blowing up his family and entire life by having another affair.

Your WW's needs are #1. Period. Everyone else, you and your son included, come after that.

Mike the RN posted 9/19/2018 21:02 PM

I told her this am Im going to IC to figure out why I allow myself to be put thru this again

Shes asking me what site Im on so she can register and come in, shes asking for help fixing herself

I just cant afford her seeing my posts at this time

Are there any even similar sites I can start her on, besides her getting IC?

RubixCubed posted 9/19/2018 22:12 PM

Whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT SI!!! This is your safe place. If she is here she will know everything you think, contemplate or plan and will change her behavior accordingly.

Yes, there are other sites but I think SI guidelines may forbid the posting of links to other sites, not sure. If I'm wrong I'm sure someone will post some for you.

GoldenR posted 9/19/2018 23:01 PM

There are two that are kind of similar...

One will coddle her. It's way over moderated and is useless bc of that.

The other will hammer her from the get go with massive 4x8s.

Reddit sucks bc once you're off of page one, you're yesterday's news.

So no, there really is nowhere else for her to go.

And this place is your safe haven. Don't bring her here.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:07 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]

Freeme posted 9/20/2018 06:48 AM

Shes asking me what site Im on so she can register and come in, shes asking for help fixing herself
You don't want her here. Tell her that she needs more than a website get her to understand why she continues to do this to you. She needs IC

Butforthegrace posted 9/20/2018 07:54 AM

There are couples involved in figuring out the aftermath of an A where both spouses post here. It takes a lot of discipline to avoid reading each other's posts. The benefit of SI is that you can be 100% transparently honest with us, because we are totally anonymous strangers with no dog in your fight. Once your spouse is on this site, there is a tendency to "color" your posts because of the reality that she may read them.

Skadu posted 9/20/2018 10:40 AM

Reddit has improved lately, there's now 2 new infidelity subs, one specifically for WSs trying to fix their shit and another for spouses in r trying to work together. As others said, I don't think I can link, but you can find them in the side bar of the sub with the same name as this site.

There is now also sub live chats, the SI one usually had at least 2 to 3 people active at all times if you need someone to talk to ASAP.

[This message edited by Skadu at 10:41 AM, September 20th (Thursday)]

Mike the RN posted 9/20/2018 11:30 AM

thanks I did let her on here last time, but I remember not feeling comfortable. Luckily, she has forgotten this site, so far.

Skadu- Ive seen reddit this am, but it has a reference to SI site at very top post, welcoming others from SI, cannot give it

sisoon posted 9/20/2018 14:11 PM

I'm really sorry this has happened, Mike. You did not deserve it.

If you edit the details out of your posts, you can probably hide form your W if she joins. I did that.

You will probably have to change your ID, which can be accomplished easily if you donate enough to get to the Platinum level of membership. I think you can do the ID change in 2 ways - either with or without your old ID.

If you want more info, I suggest starting a 'Mod, please' thread.

tushnurse posted 9/20/2018 15:46 PM

Listen to Sisoon he is very wise.

You need to protect yourself, I would encourage you to pay and switch it up.

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/20/2018 19:06 PM

I hate to say it, but if she is looking she is probably here already.

Its not a huge disaster. My EX looked here to. I didn't discuss divorce strategy, but I could care less if she saw what i posted, and what others did too. In fact it drove home what kind of shitstorm she brought on us.

Dont pull any punches and say to her face what you say here.

pureheartkit posted 9/20/2018 19:55 PM

Please, you need to get your anger to where you aren't kicking down doors. All of this feels terrible. If you feel overwhelmed, you need to go for a run or something.

It's awful that she has done this again. And she's drunk at home with a teenage son. Not good and if you are both fighting, it's worse. Better to have a calm happy dad than a freaked out dad.

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