SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Reconciliation

Stronger19 posted 1/11/2019 12:45 PM

Hello, this is my first time posting, so thank you all for bearing with the length of this post. I'm not sure yet what all the abbreviations are, so I will just write it all out. I have been married a little over two years, and this is a second marriage for both of us. Both experienced infidelity and abuse in previous marriage, and promised never to do that to each other. Well, he had a mostly emotional affair with a woman from his office in the fall of 2017. "I love you" was said, loose plans for him leaving me for her were made. The other woman ended it around Christmas that year, and I found out about it in March. I was completely devestated. I still am. Not only was he giving his heart and lust to her, he was treating me so terribly at home. Went from caring and compassionate to cold and hurtful. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he thought marrying me was a mistake. As soon as it ended (and I had no idea it had even happened at this point) he decided he wanted to make it right with me. We started communicating more, having fun more often, and we both started counseling on our own. New depression meds for him, which made a huge difference.
I'm taking it a day at a time. He has owned up to every bit of hurt he has caused, and let's me open up about how I am feeling any time I need to. He changed jobs, sold the car he would see her in, we moved houses, I have access to his phone whenever I need to see it... he's doing everything right. Replacing what he said with encouragement and loving words, but I still can't get those words out of my head. I still wonder if he is hiding anything from me. I still feel raw and heartbroken. How do I begin to actually let it go? I stayed home from work today because I had an anxiety attack and felt like I couldn't breathe. All because I booked a weekend away for myself, so that I could have some quiet time away. As soon as I booked the bed and breakfast, I started worrying that it would be the perfect opportunity for him to cheat, and I lost it. When I talked to him about it last night, he offered to go with me or help me cancel it. Again, he is doing all the right things. Why am I still such a huge mess so much of the time??
Thank you for reading this enormously long post. I am glad this group is here.

numb&dumb posted 1/11/2019 13:53 PM

First off. There is nothing "wrong" with you. These are reasonable reactions to any human who experiences trauma. Infidelity is traumatic.

The real burn of being a BS is that while our WS can x, y and Z that is only part of the puzzle and we have to do the rest on our own. Not fair, not right and not easy.

It helps sometimes to see our WS as two different people. Who they were while in the A and who they are now. It is a stepping stone to seeing them warts and all. It takes time. Loads of it.

There are some things to do in the near term to help your anxiety. Go see your doctor and explain the anxiety to them. My guess is your are not sleeping well either. Doctors have heard it all before and are professionally bound to patient confidentiality. Further they are there to help.

IC worked well for me. A place to organize my thooughts. Focus on things one at one time was really helpful. Trying to do everything at once just plain doesn't work.

Taking care of your physical self. Eat right. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Limit or abstain from alcohol. Alcohol helps short term, but makes it worse the next day.

PS I written longer responses to posts today No worries about the length. Just let it out there. You wouldn't believe how long some posts get. This is your safe space to get your thoughts out there. Don't fliter, even if it doesn't make sense, Everyone here is in the same boat. We get it too.

I am sorry you are here, but I am happy you found us. Welcome to the last club you ever wanted to join.

The healing library has some good articles (yellow box above Dr. Phil's head). I think there is an acronym list somewhere in there along with some great articles that have been very helpful to most of us.

Let me leave with this. What you are feeling now does not last forever. It does get better. It takes time, but there are some things you can do that make the journey easier on you. If someone told me 7 years ago I would be helping someone cope and can say I am truly reconciled and happy I wouldn't have believed them either. If you find yourself short on hope please read the positive reconciliation stories at the topic of the reconciliation forum. Shameless plug, my story is in there too. Keep reading and keep posting.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 1:53 PM, January 11th (Friday)]

numb&dumb posted 1/11/2019 14:00 PM

Duh. I totaly forgot to address the trust. Trust takes time. This is one of those things that our WS need to do a lot of heavy lifting on right after Dday. Being consistently transparent is about the only thing that really helps.

Our WS broke our trust and they need to earn enough of it back before we can take anything on faith. The biggest thing to watch is the actions of your WS. Do their actions and words agree with one another ? When they do it lets us relax a little bit each time they tell us something that turns out to be true.

It is also very common for BS to feel like they can't trust their own instincts. I mean we should have "know," right ? Well all we did was trust our spouses to live up to the commitments they made to us as we do. That is not wrong, BTW. However being hurt requires us to guard ourselves from further hurt. It is only natural you will go through a period of trusting but verifying. If your WS really wants to earn your trust back then they should be enthusiastic about being given an opportunity.

Again, you will be fine. This doesn't last forever. You always remember, but it doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. You learn self soothing techniques and it gets much easier with practice (IC helped me the most there).

Keep posting.

addictswife posted 1/11/2019 14:50 PM

Sounds like he is doing a great job at making things right! I think his offer gives good reason to trust him. Is there a reason you want to go without him? If not, take him and enjoy! Not because I think there is reason not to trust him but because even if you realize you can trust him you may be anxious anyway so why risk ruining your vacation?

Stronger19 posted 1/11/2019 15:30 PM

Thank you for the replies, they are an encouragement.
I am afraid of him feeling discouraged, knowing I still feel this way with all he is consistently doing. He has opened up about feeling that way. I feel like we both do a bit of a dance to keep the balance. We are open, but we are still careful. Sometimes I don't want to be carful, but I still am.
As far as the vacation goes, I wanted to go alone simply to have the chance to not have to be anything for anybody for a bit. We have a blended family with kids 8,7,5 and 5. Over Christmas break I was cooking and cleaning getting ready for lots of his family to stay with us, the kids were wild, and I didn't get much alone time with my husband, making me feel really spread thin and overwhelmed. I wanted to get away for a while to recharge, but I think I would spend the whole time feeling anxious and not really enjoy myself. I think we will both go and enjoy a quick little get away in a small town.

seekjoydaily posted 1/13/2019 23:37 PM

Glad to hear that you are going away together. That sounds like a good plan. Reconciliation takes time and it's not a straight path. Sometimes you think you've got it all figured out and something will trigger you and bring back all the doubt, fear, and anxiety. Keep moving forward and take one day at a time. Are you going to counseling together? That may be a good choice as well so you can talk to one another about how things are going, how each other is feeling etc. Wishing you all the best. It's a difficult road but one worth taking!

Edie posted 1/14/2019 02:12 AM

Went from caring and compassionate to cold and hurtful. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he thought marrying me was a mistake.

It is very unsettling and concerning that he is capable of this kind of cruelty and lack of feeling. He needs to explain this to both you and himself. Then you can begin to see if he is developing any sense of self understanding or if in fact he is non-empathetic and selfish.