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Loneliness

Soconfusing posted 1/20/2019 14:15 PM

Hello All, this is my first new beginnings post. I seaparated from my WH in October and am steadily feeling better. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and have a great support system in my family. I have four kids whom I adore and they always put a smile on my face.

I was a bit unprepared for the loneliness that has settled on me recently. Just a normal stage maybe?

I miss being with someone. Having someone to talk about my day, or bounce ideas off of, or just to hug me.

He treated me horribly for years between having affairs and generally being uninterested in me, so itís not like I was surprised or lost a close relationship. I was basically on my own for a pretty long time and didnít expect this to hit me so hard.

Iím assuming this is normal? Have any of you experienced this?

Cicinsajn posted 1/20/2019 14:19 PM

Yes..it's so normal..im 2'5 years out and from time to time i feel loneli..in begging i feel lonelli every day..but whit time it become less and less..

nomudnolotus posted 1/20/2019 16:08 PM

Soconfusing, my husband was never home before the affair, but I wasn't lonely, I actually like being alone.

Then when I realized I was really alone, because of the affair, I was suddenly incredibly lonely.

Now that we are in R (sort of) I don't feel as lonely, but I now think that it was more than that, it was abandonment? I don't know, still working on this.

You are not alone in this.

Soconfusing posted 1/21/2019 12:57 PM

Nomudnolotus, I completely relate. I am an introvert so I donít mind being alone, but this feels different. Itís like Iím utterly alone.

WowItsReallyReal posted 1/22/2019 08:44 AM

I had a stage of horrible loneliness. It was pretty overwhelming for awhile. I have my 2 adult kids, and a BFF since jr. high (in another state)... that's all the people I have left. Everyone in my life for 30 years were exWH's friends & family (I am also naturally introverted).

Anyway, I thought that loneliness was going to crush me at some points. It started about 6 months after I left, & it lingered until about 2 months after we were finally divorced. So, roughly a year. It was a pretty scary time emotionally.

Thankfully, it finally receded & while I still have "those days", it's fewer & far between. I usually enjoy my time alone now.

BTW- I'm a really sloooow healer, based on other people's stories here, so don't freak out reading my timeline (maybe it's because I lack the support system/ friends/ family to help pull me forward & I'm left to my own devices?).

So, I'd say yes, it's a really crappy stage of coming to acceptance.

[This message edited by WowItsReallyReal at 8:47 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

CatsEye posted 2/1/2019 02:27 AM

I'm very lonely sometimes. I really wish I had someone to hug me. Fortunately, I have family I can call to talk to about my day, but I wish I had someone to go places with and share chores with and watch a movie with.

I like living alone, but I not only got betrayed by my spouse, I got betrayed by every single person who wasn't family. Living alone is fine, but I wish my so-called friends hadn't all turned out to be so treacherous. I could deal with half or even most of them betraying me, but ALL of them?

But what sorts of people could I expect a lying cheat to gather around him? Of course they're all hypocrites.

It was the one that I thought of as MY friend that really hurt, but I have reason to believe that she had sex with him too. While he was involved with his current girlfriend.

Lovely people.

The more I see of people, the more I love my pets.

LilBlackCat posted 2/1/2019 12:04 PM

Yeah, I know the feeling.. Lately tho, with my long term plan finally heading down the home stretch.. I am feeling excited that hopefully my loneliness will end and I get my new chapter in life going.

I actually recently realized that I am running out of short term plans.. as they were all tied to the long term one.

Been watching a lot of youtube lately.. and listening to music and just relaxing.. so far seem to help me a lot lately.

SallyShrink81 posted 2/1/2019 13:52 PM

I haven't experienced this per se since I have 2 young kiddos that are in my care a majority of the time when I'm not working.

However I wanted to say that when I have my moments of loneliness I think of being overwhelmed with responsibilities most of the time. Also the difference between loneliness and solitude is your perception. I have a SO for 4 months now and it's great but sometimes I miss my me only time when I can have the house to myself to do whatever I want. It's usually a cleaning frenzy or laying in bed and watching netflix but still. I have learned to love my own company.

When you're feeling alone what can you do with yourself that will be more fulfilling?

cancuncrushed posted 2/1/2019 17:27 PM

I agree with the above...I love being alone..I love projects..but it feels different...this is abandonment...I was abandoned literally....

I think the cruelty plays a part of it...I cant wrap my head around how ugly STXWH has become...I would never have guessed..it was only the last few years, I realized he was NPD...malignant too....

Nobody recognizes him anymore...not even his own family...hes going scorched earth....for about a year and half now...


When I consider my plans, I stop...and realize...oh yeah, I have to do this alone now...I have nobody to discuss it with, or run it by...and at my age, 60, I really don't see a change coming.Then I feel really lonely.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:30 PM, February 1st (Friday)]

CatsEye posted 2/1/2019 17:45 PM

Dear cancuncrushed,

You're right. Being abandoned is different from being alone.

There are, of course, benefits and drawbacks both to living alone and living with someone, but even those of us who usually enjoy living alone are going to have times when we feel lonely. Even the most dedicated introvert needs other people sometimes. Very few people can survive utter isolation for very long. There's a reason that solitary confinement is the punishment reserved for the worst prisoners, and there's a reason prison psychologists warn that overuse can break people.

But when you've been abandoned by the people you thought you could count on to be there for you, every time you miss them, you have to deal both with that loneliness and the reminder of their betrayal. It's not just that I cannot call the woman I thought of as my best friend, but that every time I wish I could, I remember what she did and it hurts all over again.

As hard as it is to lose someone you loved because he died, at least that doesn't taint every memory you had with him. Every thing I could have clung to as a good memory of my exhole and his children and my former so-called friends has been forever tainted by their deception, betrayal, and abandonment. And having someone die doesn't undermine your sense of self-worth in the same way as being betrayed and abandoned by someone you thought loved you.

And it is nice to have someone to help you make decisions. Or share your excitement about an upcoming movie or a new recipe you want to try or a vacation plan. Or laugh with you at something silly the cat did. And when you remember that you're not alone by choice but because someone else broke his promises to you, that's an extra sting.

GraceLove posted 2/3/2019 04:47 AM

About loneliness...I experienced it in a profound way because my youngest daughter got married 6 months after dday so all of a sudden I'm an empty nester, in a foreign country and separated. That was probably the worst time.
I've been on my own now for 1.5 years. and I have to say, I must be the type of person who gets used to things easily? Maybe not a good thing cause I 'got used to' being treated very poorly for years!
However, when I think I am feeling lonely, I really ask myself, is that true? Do I really feel lonely? Not necessarily. I may just be bored. I have reframed this idea of loneliness to....I feel freedom. Yes...it's freedom I am feeling, not loneliness.
The reality is I have a choice to feel empowered by:
-calling a friend
-face timing a friend in a different time zone if it's late at night
-being with me
-checking in with myself and asking...what are you into right now? What do you want? Need?
-I can pretty much do whatever I want because I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want ....that sure doesn't feel like loneliness anymore.
-at times I will picture what it was like when XWH lived with me: it was LONLEY! And awful, anxiety provoking etc. Even though he was a 'good listener' (read: f#$%ing controlling--listened so he could gaslight/ try to alter my reality etc.)
I have friends who are not only good listeners, but they are also truly compassionate and have my best interests at heart. Without ulterior motives.
I listen to the radio, watch Utube videos, read, exercise, swim, garden etc. And I do it in peace and at my own pace without someone all over me about all sorts of things.
So yeah, I now call my loneliness, my freedom.

honesttoafault posted 2/3/2019 06:34 AM

I completely understand how you feel. Like some other posters, I don't have any family except my sons and a few friends. I am an only child, so I'm used to being alone. But there is a difference to being alone, and being lonely. I often felt lonely when stbxWH was in the house or if we went out to HIS family.

Also the difference between loneliness and solitude is your perception.

This is mainly true, but I think of solitude as a choice, and there are many times that I choose to be alone and just read or relax or do things on my own. I feel loneliness is when you are alone when it's not your choice. I know people say call a friend or a relative, but so many times they are busy with their own lives or family.

I think it's also missing having someone care about your day. When I was dating stbxWH so many years ago, we were only able to see each other a few times a week (work, etc), but we talked on the phone every night to share our day. It was nice feeling that someone cared about what you were feeling and how things were going. Sometimes I think I stayed with him so long because it seemed that I had someone in my corner. ("seemed" or perhaps wanting to believe is the operating word)

I also think I'm not used to doing things just for ME or for what I want. I've been so used to operating my life around kids and HIM, that deciding for myself is almost foreign. So much to take in.

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