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WH confessing at work

OrdinaryMuse posted 2/11/2019 14:23 PM

One of WH's AP's was a coworker. They work at a religious school. NC was established and maintained. I broached the topic of how it should be handled awhile ago, he shut it down and I decided to leave it. For me, I decided that it was something he would have to wrestle with and not something I cared to push for, for multiple reasons.

As the school has been investing in him more and more as a valued employee he has felt more strongly that integrity for him would be to come clean and no longer harbor secrets. He shared this with me over the weekend and now has called a meeting with the relevant people in order to come clean this evening. It's happened so fast and as it was something I set aside and we have not talked about in so long... it feels really sudden.

He asked my thoughts on it. I used to have thoughts on it, but feel more disengaged from the topic than previously. It feels healthier, but also scarier as I'm releasing it. Is it a sign of health? I did tell him that I don't know what he should do, but that I affirm him taking his process, integrity and path towards honesty very seriously.

There is the fear that he will lose his job. I'm not keen on more suffering for our family. I'm anxious and sad. He's moved forward with the process so quickly... I can see lots of reasons it's the right thing, but is this a terrible mistake? Just wanted to post it here as this group is gold! Thank you for being there.

[This message edited by OrdinaryMuse at 2:24 PM, February 11th (Monday)]

onthefence123 posted 2/11/2019 14:38 PM

Off the cuff, he should not do anything that you don't want him to do.

If you feel that this is too sudden, then why can't he wait another week for you two to discuss it more and come up with a plan TOGETHER?

If you are trying to reconcile, which is the forum you are in, then this isn't just for him to decide.

barcher144 posted 2/11/2019 14:55 PM

I can see lots of reasons it's the right thing, but is this a terrible mistake?

It's the right thing for him, I believe, for reconciliation.

I have a friend who was in a similar position and her husband went to the school's principal and admitted to the affair and requested that he be allowed to avoid his AP so that he and his wife (my friend) could reconcile. The next academic year, he transferred to a completely different school.

His case is different than my friend's though. If it's a religious school, is it possible that he could get fired? Does he want to risk that? Do you want him to risk that? Are you comfortable with him outing himself publicly?

Thissucks5678 posted 2/11/2019 14:56 PM

I understand your hesitation - as now this may affect you in yet another way negatively. I believe he should have waited to get your approval first.

Overall I think it is a positive. I think it is a good sign that he wants to be a man of integrity and to be honest about his bad choices. It may have a bad outcome, but choosing to live honestly in the long run is best in my opinion.

I like the idea of rescheduling the meeting if possible.

Smashedhrt posted 2/11/2019 16:30 PM

is There more to this? Has the AP made the affair public?

If it helps clear his conscience he should “confess” to his transgressions, but he should avoid naming the AP.

It is possible he will be reprimanded or dismissed. Are you ok with that? If not, you should ask him to discuss this with you further before moving forward.

OrdinaryMuse posted 2/12/2019 08:25 AM

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

By the time he scheduled the appointment and let me know, it was too late for me to ask him to wait.

On the one hand, we have had a relationship that is really lopsided. I've worked really hard to make the relationship better and dig in and I've pushed him hard throughout our marriage. It is a part of who I am, but also I'm learning, been unhealthily imbalanced. So, I feel good about releasing things and giving him more room to decide what he wants/needs to do. So, when he asked me if I thought he should confess, I told him that I supported him being true to himself and his process, but that I can't answer for him. In essence, I verbally released him to deal with it. But I did think it would take a few days at least. Then when he scheduled it, it hit me. I felt anxiety, but I also feel really blah about it all. Maybe that is part of me letting go of my own coping mechanisms of being overly responsible for the relationship?

So, it's done already. From his report, they responded calmly and kindly but obviously didn't have a response or action plan yet. They asked him if he had let the AP know that he would be informing the school and he made it clear that NC is most important and that he can't be worried about her in any respect and can only be concerned about his own process and family. In the end, he asked what he should do now, and they told him to show up for work tomorrow (now today) and they would meet with him in the afternoon. They also affirmed that they believe that he absolutely did the right thing in confessing.

On the other hand... For so long in our marriage, there has been fallout because of his selfishness and it took up so much space. Now, he is going through a really hard process and it takes up so much space. I'm SO tired of it. He loves to sit close and hold hands and is trying to be present/emotionally connected. But he's terrible at it. (he's better than he used to be, but that's SO relative). I want emotional connection and for him to really "hear" me and physical intimacy. I used to long for it and now I feel like I'm giving up on it and don't even feel the urge to open up or be physical.

It's all mixed together. He's growing and I'm wilting?

I know this is long. This is all just so stupid hard. I know it's not realistic: but I wish things would either just be good or total shit.

W3IRZ posted 2/12/2019 09:21 AM

I think this is a good thing. I feel it’s hard to have true remorse if the WS can carryon with a facade. I’m so sorry that the marriage has been about him and he is emotionally vacant but maybe this is the beginning of him being more present.

Also I would definitely make sure he is well aware of your feelings of dissatisfaction. I truly believe that the reason why my husband and I are doing so well is because we communicate exactly what we think and feel. We hold nothing back. If you are afraid he’ll not respond well to your feelings, then first have a talk about the talk. “If we are going to reconcile and reinvent our marriage, then I think discussing our feelings and thoughts regularly is very important”. I can’t imagine him disagreeing. Then explain that what you want when you share your feelings is empathy. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to solve a problem we forget to be empathetic. Then explain what you are feeling. Ask him what he’s feeling. This could be the beginning of realizing you are incompatible or it could be your timing is off. During early reconciliation my husband said to me “you are ahead of me. Give me time to catchup”. In other words he wanted to be as committed to me as I was to him, but he was still peeling off layers of cognitive dissonance that he had engaged in for a year. I’m not sure if that is true for you, but at least it gives you some insight

OrdinaryMuse posted 2/12/2019 10:44 AM

Thank you W3RIZ, what you wrote really resonates with me. I think I am at a point where I have to start choosing to lean in, whereas before it came naturally.

I think I really fear that we are incompatible. But I also think the timing is off. But I'm so tired of my needs going unmet. I feel I should just really hold and be grateful for the progress he has made, but like I said, I'm tired of my needs going unmet.

I did tell him, that it's like that friend where you do ALL the initiating and you decide to stop calling to see what will happen. And nothing happens.

Well, something did happen... he owned his process and made the decision to dig deeper and confess at work. But I want something to happen between us. Maybe he has to work through some of the layers before that can happen. He did ask me to go out with him for dinner later this week and I just feel really uninterested. Sigh. I'm a work in progress too, I suppose. But dates and holding hands don't really mean much to me at the moment when emotional connection is lacking and I want to really connect physically. How can I have such a strong sex drive and he's the one that cheated and now is seemingly happy without sexual interaction?!? Again, that's because of his issues and nothing to do with me, but it's impacting me and I'm tired of waiting.

Last night we were going to try and connect and he had a full on panic attack and then passed out asleep. I understand as yesterday was intense for him. But sheesh. I feel like I used up all my empathy and drive to work through things over the years and now I'm all out. But if he is working hard and needs the time to grow to be the man that he wants to be.... I can't expect him to be somewhere he is not. But I feel like I'm always on the losing end in regards to his process. Maybe I'm just going through a stage and need a perspective change. I'm sure there are many here that wish their WW would dig in...

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