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Feel like I'm slowly dying and all alone

ZoeKay posted 10/11/2019 14:53 PM

As I'm sure you all know, this is unbearable. My husband is my best friend and my security blanket. We have been married for 15 years. Everyone always talks about how great of a guy he is and how much he loves me. About 6 months ago he told me he was unhappy and I asked if it was me or us and he said no. He just had felt off and unhappy since turning 40. I made him a doctor's appointment... he no showed. He recently had an affair with a 25 year old with three children. He's 41 and we don't have children because he didn't want any. I found out 12 days ago. I still can hardly eat, I can't stop picturing her or worrying about him not loving me. My heart rate is high, I can feel it beating hard, I constantly feel like throwing up, and my vision in blurry. The worst part is how alone I feel. He's the person I go to for everything. He's being very offish and I'm terrified. I have a tracker on his phone etc.. I'm just terrified he somehow fell out of love with me. I don't think I'll survive more pain.

Odonna posted 10/11/2019 15:00 PM

Sweet ZoeKay,

Welcome, and we are all so sorry you are here....

Can I ask some questions that will help get you better advice?

Was the affair going on when he first said he was unhappy! Why did he not keep the Doctor appointment? How did you find out? Has he been denying or “trickle truthing” to you? Has he broken it off? Gone “no-contact” ? Given you access to everything? Does he show signs of true remorse? (Not just regret and embarrassment?) Does the Spouse of his affair partner know?

And please tell us more about your respective views on having kids, as this will affect your joint process in addressing reconciliation.

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:02 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

pearlamici posted 10/11/2019 17:06 PM

Dear Zoe ... I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Please read The Healing library in the upper left corner. Do not do the "pick me" dance. It's okay to let him see your devastation but don't plead or beg him to stay. Instead let him get a taste of a life without you. Start to see lawyers - no decisions - just start to look at your finances. Most importantly take care of yourself, rest, drink water, eat small meals. I remember that constant hammering of my heart and feeling faint. Also reach out to friends and family. Don't be ashamed to tell anyone. Don't protect his infidelity - plus affairs usually die a quick death when exposed to the light of day.

Dispirited posted 10/11/2019 18:17 PM

I have been there before.Such a traumatic experience. One side says:"how could you do that?" And in the back of ur mind, you say :"How dare you?"

And that is the essence- the shock and cowardly reasons. And then one decides to stay- many reasons.

Obviously, each one is different- for different reasons.Much of this board has been determining that.Obviously, everyone is different for many reasons. However.when your spouse or partner betrays you, then suddenly you're forced to think about any children involved- and rightly so.

BUT...that doesn't deal with "why" your spouse or partner took off. Always separate issues, but not many have any idea. Why? Because people can not either be honest or are IMO a waste of time to begin with.

Dispirited posted 10/11/2019 18:19 PM

So ZoeKay, how does it feel to question someone? Not normal for a relationship. When trust is lost, then forget it:)

Dispirited posted 10/11/2019 18:23 PM

You are not dying at all...we all have been in situations where we were blind-sided or dealt with something unexpected.

Nonetheless..your worth is not attributed to another. I get it.

Dispirited posted 10/11/2019 18:29 PM

I understand all of the "stuff"..I have been there before.When people walk away, I assure you that it is not your fault. We can not control others and their decisions.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/11/2019 18:30 PM

Welcome Zoe. I am sorry he did this to you and so sorry you had to find us.

You found the best place you never hoped to find. Lots of wisdom here, and you already received some great advice.

You are safe here. Do not share this place with him as you need a safe place to process.

((((Zoe))))

Dispirited posted 10/11/2019 18:42 PM

Nonetheless....I understand what people experience. Whether that comes back on me is debatable.Yet, another example of each ability. And I seriously want to say that I am done.Too much heartache and I experienced the same.

So now? I really don't care, but to explain "why" is not one so accepted nor understood. Nonetheless...I have given so much, and now I could care less.

ZoeKay posted 10/12/2019 11:07 AM

To answer the questions...
He told me at a festival. I made him call her the next day and break it off with her. He seems remorseful but also still very offish. He did go to the doctor and testosterone etc. Is fine. He did trickle truth out the first 2 days bit claims I know everything now. He got rid of snapchat and blocked her number. I had him install a gps tracker app on his phone. She is not married. The actual physical part of the affair was only about 2 weeks. The emotional part started he says about 6 months or so ago. I know I should be angry and make him scared I'll leave, but I'm so scared to lose him I find I'm just being needy. I need to be held and comforted so badly but yet he's the reason why.

RedHeadTemper posted 10/14/2019 11:30 AM

Zoe,

I was scared I'd lose my wife too which is why I didn't act. SI helped me realize (get out of denial) that I had already lost her. You have lost your husband completely. He is gone. If he decides to come back, and you choose to R, then it will be something new. Whatever relationship you had previous is gone.

It is the worst, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Mynamedontfi posted 10/14/2019 12:20 PM

Hi Zoe. I am also new here and sorry to see you here too. The people here on SI have helped me so much. I know they will be here to support you through this. They all know your pain. I wish you well.

Newbeginnings24 posted 10/14/2019 15:30 PM

Hi Zoe,
Sorry you have had to arrive here on SI. However, it is the best place to come. Everyone here has experienced something similar and are at different stages to support you along your journey. Definitely don’t do the pick me dance, it just pushes them further away. You don’t want to act like you don’t care and go NC because you are frightened that doing that would end things. But like somebody already said - he’s questioned what he wants and has acted upon this. So therefore, what you had is gone anyway. Hard to hear but this is essential to accept if you are to move on or R.
Read the FAQ and articles in the healing library to try and get some comfort. Visit family and friends when you feel manic. Cry and write a journal if it helps you get out your sadness to ease the pain. Prioritise you and try not to think about the OW, she’s not worth a second thought.
Sending a hug 🤗

BrokenAnyway posted 10/14/2019 18:20 PM

I am now dealing with affair #2. I did the pick me dance for the first one, and he did stay, but has resented me for it ever since, and has done nothing to change or make the relationship better.

And now he just told me on Saturday that he is "in love" with someone else.

The pain is unimaginable. And yes -- all I want is to have my old life back. But the others are right -- my previous life is over, and the marriage is over. He made his choice.

Honestly, 180 with no contact is helping me manage to get through these days. We have two kids so I will have to have contact with him at some point, but I'm limiting it as much as possible.

I know it hurts. It's not fair. And it just effing sucks. Thinking of you and hope you are managing.

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